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- Hor-RIFF-ic: Friday the 13thE1
Hor-RIFF-ic: Friday the 13thDown to Earth maniac, Gary Slasher, and his delightfully dead wife, Erin, are set to tackle one of the most important horror movies ever -- 1980’s Friday the 13th. Sean Cunningham’s classic is dissected by the sharp tongues of this deadly duo whose bitterness over not having made it big in the horror industry has driven them mad. In order to avoid any potential accidental injury while viewing, please review the following: * No skinny dipping in lakes, fornicating in woods, or “getting busy” in general. * Please keep keen eyes on any children swimming whose safety you are in charge of. * Clothing is not legal tender in Monopoly. * Having alternate lighting is a bonus, however if none is available shouting “Hello” into the darkness almost guarantees your immanent death. * There’s always time to stop for a nice cup of Joe. * No doob, puff, crank, duff, spaz, or goof balls. Be among the first to experience the horror and hilarity of this premier track from Hor-RIFF-ic Productions, the bloodiest crew in the biz! Update: There are now tracks available for both the Theatrical version and the recently released Uncut version of the film. - Hor-RIFF-ic: Children of the CornE2
Hor-RIFF-ic: Children of the CornThe Slashers are back! Gary Slasher - the madman of movie riffs and his wife Erin Slasher - the corpse of commentary. Still bitter about not being accepted by the horror “in” crowd they have decided to take their revenge on Stephen King’s The Children of the Corn, Hor-RIFF-ic Productions’ 2nd victim. This film gets plowed, picked, shucked, cooked, eaten, and oddly enough, passed straight through their systems. Yep, this movie certainly doesn’t skimp on the fertilizer. Just a couple of things to consider when considering this one: * Never go to Nebraska. * Not buying this track is forbidden sayeth the Lord! * Seriously, never go to Nebraska. * Profaning and unbelieving, all the cool kids are doing it. * If you’re already in Nebraska....get out now! * You might start referring to perfect strangers as “OUTLANDER!” * Western Iowa, Northern Kansas, Northeast Colorado, just stay away from the whole Midwest in general just to be safe. BONUS: Special guest star -- Satan! Be sure to pick up this latest installment by the Hor-RIFF-ic duo that’s here to slay. We promise it’s going to be a bloody good time. - Hor-RIFF-ic: Sleepaway CampE3
Hor-RIFF-ic: Sleepaway CampThey are NOT happy campers! Gary and Erin Slasher (the rippers of riffing) are back again to slice up another helpless horror movie for their own sick amusement, and yours as well. This time it’s the 1983 cult horror favorite Sleepaway Camp and Hor-RIFF-ic Productions has some fun activities in store for campers: * Fun with swear words. * Gender confusion talent show. * The art of being mute. * Making out without doing anything. * Irresponsible boating. * How NOT to react to emergencies. * Archery, and many more! Pack your curling iron and your psychiatrist’s phone number -- it’s going to be a great summer! Hor-RIFF-ic Productions is proud to present their 3rd victim to the chopping block for all horror/comedy fans to devour. - Hor-RIFF-ic: My Bloody Valentine (1981)E4
Hor-RIFF-ic: My Bloody Valentine (1981)Hor-RIFF-ic Productions has decided to spread the blood love, with their next sickeningly funny offering: My Bloody Valentine (1981). Gary (I-don’t-like-to-be-touched) Slasher and his always lovely corpse bride Erin are more than willing to dissect this Canadian horror classic. What do you need to make a horror movie in Canada? * Beer - a lot of it. * Miners - the less safety conscience the better. * “Eh?” - a lot of them. * Harmonicas - there can be only one! * Women with low standards. * And a dryer that can handle a severely unbalanced load. Presented in mind-blowing 2D!!! Hor-RIFF-ic Productions has gone the extra mile and is providing tracks to both the theatrical and uncut DVD versions of the original 1981 film. It must be loath love! - Hor-RIFF-ic: Friday the 13th Part IIE5
Hor-RIFF-ic: Friday the 13th Part IIHere they go again! Hor-RIFF-ic Productions returns to the franchise that started it all: Friday the 13th Part 2. Gary and Erin Slasher continue the assault on this beloved horror series with their lackey Satan in tow. Will hard feelings over Jason’s success hold them back? Not these horrid hellcats of hilarity. Let’s just make sure we’ve got everything for the trip.... * Fire extinguishers? -Check. * Scantily clad teens? -Check. * Deranged Mama’s boy? -Check. * Dimwitted authority figures? -Check. * Potato-sack fashion statement? -Check. * Mandatory handi-capable survivor? -Umm... Pick up this track or you’re DOOMED! Join Hor-RIFF-ic Productions on their continued trek toward stardom, one victim at a time. Just be careful where you step, things might get messy. - Hor-RIFF-ic: Stephen King's IT (Part 2)E6
Hor-RIFF-ic: Stephen King's IT (Part 2)Hor-RIFF-ic Productions is proud to present the 2nd half of Stephen King’s classic made-for-TV epic -- IT. Having been sufficiently tenderized by Cinester Theater in part one, Erin and Gary Slasher are set to devour IT’s remaining half. Mmmm....mediocre acting talent. What can be expected from this creepy crapfest? * Cross-dressing corpses * Adorable fortune cookies * Brown Thrushes (Noooo!) * Sizzling Ritter/Curry action * Team disembowelment tryouts * Balloons, Balloons, BALLOONS!!! IT’s long, IT’s disappointing, IT’s stupid, it’s IT! The Slashers are hell bent on taking their revenge on any horror film that dares exclude them, even if they are 3 hours long. - Hor-RIFF-ic: The Monster SquadE7
Hor-RIFF-ic: The Monster SquadHow can a movie with Dracula, Frankenstein, the Mummy, Wolfman, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon be bad? Exhibit A: The Monster Squad. Hor-RIFF-ic Productions riffers, Gary and Erin Slasher, are primed to rip this 80s childhood favorite limb from limb. Yes, even the little girl, that @#$%&! In case you're not familiar with this Goonies knock-off, here's what you're in for: * Science... I dig it man! * Armadillos... wait, what? * Nards... they're everywhere! * Fat Kid News... All fat kids, All the time. * The most inept monsters ever... Bogus! * Scary German Guy... is there another kind? Special Guest: Brad Dracula! So gather up the kiddies for some family un-friendly fun with your favorite killer comedians. Please be sure you bring at least one virgin! (Don't worry, that one time doesn't count.) - Hor-RIFF-ic: TremorsE8
Hor-RIFF-ic: TremorsDid you feel that? The ground is moving, something's under there! Oh wait, somebody was just shaking with laughter after watching the newest Hor-RIFF-ic Productions victim: TREMORS! Gary and Erin Slasher, along with Satan and a gaggle of their freakiest friends, are ready to drag this cult classic down and kick sand in its face. - Hor-RIFF-ic: Friday the 13th Part IIIE9
Hor-RIFF-ic: Friday the 13th Part IIIAgain?!? Surely they didn't make another one. Ok, if you say so, but it does seem like overkill. Hor-RIFF-ic Productions is back for another installment of the famous horror franchise: Friday the 13th Part 3! Gary, Erin, and Satan return to Crystal Lake looking some merry mayhem. But with the same recycled deaths and lame attempts at 3D photography, this one is going to be painful! What's left to scrape from the bottom of this bloody barrel? * Phallic symbols! * Pregnancy...wait, what?! * Hay, straw, and...more hay! * Bowel movements...in 3-D!!! * Manners Enforcement Squad! * Harold - the worst man on Earth! Plus: Random Hockey Equipment! And guess what? You get an eyeball, and you get an eyeball, EVERYBODY GET'S AND EYEBALL!!! Well, what are you waiting for? Go buy it already! - Hor-RIFF-ic: The StuffE10
Hor-RIFF-ic: The StuffHungry? Your pals Gary and Erin at Hor-RIFF-ic Productions have cooked up a tasty treat for their 10th victim: THE STUFF! Never heard of this gaggingly bad MO-tion picture? Well tuck in! You don't know what you've been missing... * Spanking! * Abe Vigoda! * Communist plots! * Wild mayonnaise! * Folksy sayings at every turn! * Extremely effective advertising jingles! Warning: This film has not been approved by the FDA for consumption by the general public. So if you like your horror to be smooth, creamy, and delicious--this one's for you. Dig in! But be careful, because enough is never enough. Ok, technically it is but you get the point. - Hor-RIFF-ic: PoltergeistE11
Hor-RIFF-ic: PoltergeistHor-RIFF-ic Productions rises from the dead yet again. This time Gary and Erin have set their blood soaked sights on the spooky classic: Poltergeist! Sure, it's a critically acclaimed box office smash produced by Steven Spielberg, but you think that will stop the Slashers? They can k<censored by DreamWorks>s! What did we find when we cleaned out this movie's creepy closet? * Evil Clowns! * Steak Marathons! * Horrible Parenting! * Gravity Fluctuations! * Psychic Leprechauns! * Puff...Dope...Bud...Chronic! Plus: Enough Star Wars toys to choke a Wookie! - Hor-RIFF-ic: Halloween IIIE12
Hor-RIFF-ic: Halloween IIIHor-RIFF-ic Productions takes it's first stab at one of the original horror franchises. In doing so, Gary and Erin will attempt to survive one of the strangest sequels ever devised: Halloween III - Season of the Witch! Never heard of it? Assume you must have seen it at some point but just don't recall? Don't be so sure, once you've seen Halloween III, you never forget. Scared? Good, that's kind of our thing! What can you expect to find in your pillow case this Halloween? * Druids! * Irish Robots! * Catchy Jingles! * Alcoholic Doctors! * Unfortunate Nudity! * Defective Halloween Masks! Plus: The perfect amount of Michael Myers! So join us, if you've got the guts, and soon you'll be singing along: "We just saw Halloween III, Halloween III, Halloween III! We just saw Halloween III and laughed our ass off!" - Hor-RIFF-ic: GremlinsE13
Hor-RIFF-ic: Gremlins'Tis the season for bloody slaughter! Well for Hor-RIFF-ic Productions it is anyway. Gary and Erin Slasher bring their merry mayhem to one of the most beloved X-mas horror movies: Gremlins! Will they be naughty or nice to this 80's classic? (Hint: they're never nice.) Chestnuts aren't the only thing that's going to be roasted this holiday season! So, what did jolly old Satan Santa Claus drop down your chimney with glee? * Pupa! * Y.M.C.A! * Foreigners! * Old Lady Catapults! * Depressing Anecdotes! * Disgustingly Cute Mammals! Bonus: The Slashers' Creepy Carols Track! So grab a flashlight, squirt gun, midnight snack and prepare for a heaping helping of Humbug! Dickens has nothing on Joe Dante. - Hor-RIFF-ic: Friday the 13th Part IVE14
Hor-RIFF-ic: Friday the 13th Part IVPack up the camper, Hor-RIFF-ic Productions is heading back to Crystal Lake! Gary and Erin Slasher take down the much loathed 4th film in the franchise: Friday the 13th - The Final Chapter! Four times the kills (that you've pretty much seen before), four times the action (hope you like windows breaking), and four times the suspense (will the opening montage ever end?)! What's in store for us in this ironically named installment? * Twins! * Plot Holes! * Dead F*cks! * Vintage Porn! * Canada and Love! * Cripsin Glover's Dancing 101! Plus: Corey Feldman's Hair Care Tips! So hurry and see the final chapter of the Friday the 13th series... you know, before things start to get silly. - Hor-RIFF-ic: FrogsE15
Hor-RIFF-ic: FrogsPrepare to meet the harbingers of doom and evil beyond imagining. Gary and Erin Slasher from Hor-RIFF-ic Productions will now face their most terrifying foe to date: FROGS! Why are you laughing? You don't think frogs can be scary? Well just try sitting through this ecological cautionary tale all by yourselves and see if you're not screaming by the end. What's out there in the swamp, ready to hop out and kill you at any moment? * Poo Shots! * Pillow Fights! * Drunken Boating! * Toads! Wait, what?!? * Armed Octogenarians! * Excessive Amounts of Denim! Plus: The Horror that is Sam Elliot's Bald Upper Lip! So don't be green with envy, grab some hip waders and come along on this bayou beat down! No renegade amphibians will stand in the way of our good time, no matter how many bodies start to pile up. - That Guy with the Glasses: Lion KingE16
That Guy with the Glasses: Lion KingOnce in every generation comes that rare movie which forever more defines that group's childhood. For the Japanese it was Kimba the White Lion. Unfortunately, those of us in America were stuck with the Lion King. Join the future stars of Broadway's the Producers, the voice of Darth Vader and, of course, the 3rd villain in the Die Hard series for a musical romp* through the film that paved the way for High School Musical 2. The team from the ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com mixes humorous nostalgia, irreverant observation, a touch of homage to classic MST3K and some down-right mean spirited jokes to take you through this little adventure that will have you wondering, just what the heck does "Hakuna Matata" really mean? * Word has reached us this isn't so much a romp as it is a musical death-march through Elton John & Tim Rice's nightmares. - The One Man Band: Mortal KombatE17
The One Man Band: Mortal KombatDo you remember all the love and giddiness that broke out after Super Mario Bros. and Street Fighter came out? No, not the video games, the movies. Wait, I'm sorry I mentioned those. Stop crying, please, I didn't mean it. Anyway, as Mortal Kombat shows, no beloved video game property is safe from the reach of Hollywood. The spine-ripping, head-popping, ESRB-creating fighting game series comes to the movies with a PG-13 rating...not because they toned down the violence, but to spare young children from the ham thrown onscreen by a powder-wigged Christopher Lambert (who clearly was born to play a Chinese thunder god). The One Man Band once again rolls up his sleeves, throws a few well-timed kicks*, and sends this monster back to Outworld where it belongs. At the end, only one of these titans will be left standing. Place your bets now. *Yes, I am fully aware that I could have made so many Balls of Fury jokes. However, Christopher Walken has been seen in my neighborhood lately, and I'd prefer to avoid his wrath.** **If Christopher Walken is reading this, hello. I'm sure you're a very nice guy. Please don't kill me. - Cinester Theater: Stephen King's IT (Part 1)E18
Cinester Theater: Stephen King's IT (Part 1)Stephen King is the Master of Horror. Of course, anyone who's read his books also knows that he's the Master of Writing Books That Are About 400 Pages Longer Than They Need To Be. And anyone who's seen one of the many movie adaptations of his books knows that he's also the Master Of Adapting Great Works Of Fiction Into Barely Watchable Crap. Shawn and Keith of "Cinester Theater" take on 50% of this horrifying tale of terrible terror. The children of Derry, Maine are being hunted by a malevolent shape-shifting demon named Pennywise The Dancing Clown, the least successful movie monster of all time. When the body-count reaches an unacceptable ONE, its up to the Little Rascals... uh, I mean, the Goonies.... uh, I mean, The Losers Club... to save the day! With friendship! And silver ear-rings! And we can't even begin to explain how awful this movie is! - QuipTracks: Lady in the WaterE20
QuipTracks: Lady in the Water"'A Thousand Narfs' is about a rare narf who comes once in a generation of a narfs—called a Madam Narf." Young-Soon sums the story up pretty nicely right there: This movie is about saying the word "narf" (yeah, that expletive Pinky used to use) at every possible opportunity. But wait! There's more! You'll also hear the word "scrunt," which, although it sounds like a small rodent with a gimp leg, is actually a wolf-like beast with grass all over it whose special power is that "it can lie...completely flat!" Stop laughing; this is serious. There's also a mud called "key" and three monkeys with one name and an abusive pool maintenance man and an evil nerd and one of the Fine Young Cannibals. M. Night Shyamalan also casts himself as a writer who's work will change the world and kills off a movie critic in effigy. That guy! What a clown. Features Tristan, Tracy and Kevin - The One Man Band: HackersE21
The One Man Band: HackersHow do you successfully make a movie with unlikeable characters, an outrageous plot, and shot after shot of people staring at screens and typing? The correct answer is, you don't, as Iain Softley's 1995 Hackers demonstrates. On the one hand, Hackers brought Angelina Jolie (granted, a very Vulcan-looking Jolie) to the limelight, but also graced us with Matthew Lillard, so it's a mixed bag all around. As far as plot, the creator of the Short Circuit robot has an evil scheme to steal a bunch of money with Tony Soprano's psychiatrist...until one of the Clockstoppers downloads the program that could blow the lid off the whole thing. Their plan to cover their tracks? Plant a virus to tip over some oil tankers (the FIENDS!) Enter former superhacker Sick Boy, who must team up with Shaggy, Lara Croft, and...let me check IMDB here...ah, Halpern White from "The Shield" to expose the deception before the virus gets pinned on them. And how will they clear their names? By constantly breaking hundreds of other laws, that's how! The One Man Band won't stand for this. Armed with a desktop, a few million lines of code (that's programs to you who are not l33t), and a bag full of tricks, it's time to crash this system once and for all. Hack the movie. HACK THE MOVIE! - MoleMan Riffs: WantedE22
MoleMan Riffs: WantedThe final key has been found to our own evolution. The one thing holding us back from taking the place of the gods themselves...adrenaline. Yes as it turns out, adrenaline makes you fly, run faster, jump cars without a ramp, and gives you perfect accuracy. Yes adrenaline can even make you...CURVE BULLETS!!! So why do people like this movie? I believe it was the use of the tried and true Cinderella plotline, the rags-to-riches story, going from nobody to somebody. This film truly captures the imagination of a child...because surely an adult mind could not conceive of this (Although I have been caught praying to a magical loom before). Get your silver slippers ready....if for no other reason then to have something handy to impale yourself with if you find you cannot handle this movie. - Cinester Theater: Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesE23
Cinester Theater: Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesCowabunga! Just when you thought everyone had forgotten, 1990 comes ninja-flipping back into your life with this timeless classic about martial arts, toxic waste, and hockey! "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" is the story of Carl, the worst ninja ever. Also, there's a subplot about a group of sewer-mutants who come to the surface under cover of darkness to beat up teenagers. Somewhere along the line, they run afoul of the Foot Clan and their leader, the unlikely-dressed Master Shredder. When their wise, old, and undoubtedly stinky master Splinter is rat-napped, the Ninja Turtles must draw on all their ninja training and quip their way to victory! Join Shawn and Keith of "Cinester Theater" as they do battle with stunt-men in turtle costumes, washed-up hockey players, and the pointiest villain in movie history in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"! - Cinester Theater: Total RecallE24
Cinester Theater: Total RecallThey don't make action movies like they used to. Inflated special-effects budgets have made it too easy, and now every action movie seems to be about pure spectacle. Wouldn't it be great to look back on the action movies of yesterday? Back when all you needed to keep an audience enthralled was an overly-muscled protagonist grunting unintelligibly into the camera against a backdrop of exploding mutants? Back when plots were so thin they gave your brain paper-cuts? Back in the days of the legend himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger? Douglas Quaid had it all: a beautiful wife, a wonderful job as the only believable guy at the construction site, and all the protein powder he could eat. But a fascination with the planet Mars soon leads him to Rekall, a vacation company that sells him an implanted memory of his perfect Mars getaway as an unstoppable secret-agent (because nobody's built for espionage like a 6'2 Austrain that can bench-press a motorcycle). But soon Quaid finds himself caught up in an interplanetary conspiracy to deprive ugly people of oxygen, and he'll have to punch, shoot, and grunt unintelligibly into the camera his way to the truth! Join Shawn and Keith as they once again dive into the fray, knives of comedy clenched firmly between their teeth! Joined by their hateful sync-goblin Syncy, Cinester Theater take the some of the worst that the 80's action genre has to throw at them. Will they falter in the face of extreme adversity? Or will they be left standing atop of pile of metaphorical bodies, covered in the metaphorical blood of their enemies, shirts ripped to expose their manly metaphorical chests, and scream defiantly into the sky as the camera fades slowly to black? Don't be the last one on your block to find out! - Cinester Theater: The Nightmare Before ChristmasE25
Cinester Theater: The Nightmare Before ChristmasHave you ever looked over at your neighbors yard and found yourself thinking, "Gee, the grass really is greener over there"? Have you then wished that you could replace that new lawn with Jack-O-Lanterns and bat corpses? Then this is the movie for you! After celebrating another dreary Halloween, Jack Skellington discovers a gateway to the world of Christmas. Filled with the inexplicable joy and good cheer, he decides to share the wonder with the denizens of Halloweentown. But when their love of grisly murder threatens to ruin Christmas, Jack will have to sing and mince about on a toe-tappin' quest to rescue Santa Claus from the Boogieman! - Riff Raff Theater: SpeedE26
Riff Raff Theater: SpeedGet Ready... to rush out of the Cineplex! Sure, 1993 was a more innocent time. The world wasn't burdened with the knowledge of horrible things like reality television, the Backstreet Boys, Enron loopholes, or Star Wars prequels. So it comes as no shock that such a naive world could be snookered into thinking that a bus could actually fly. Now, in a more cynical age, Chris, Todd, and Danuuc have stepped forward to point out the elephant in the room... which happens to actually be an exploding hunk of public transportation. - Josh Way: Cindy Goes to a PartyE27
Josh Way: Cindy Goes to a Party“Cindy Goes to a Party” was filmed in Lawrence, Kansas, and that is literally the most interesting thing about it. This gritty film tells the tale of Cindy, a little girl who wasn’t invited to a party. When an emotionally needy fairy appears and whisks her away to crash the party, we learn exactly why she wasn’t on the guest list in the first place. Fans of superimposed text and crappy dissolve effects will be in heaven. - Josh Way: Dating Dos and Don'tsE28
Josh Way: Dating Dos and Don'tsAn uncompromising look at the world of bland adolescent dating rituals. Woody wants to take Ann to the “Hi-Teen Carnival,” but may only do so under the strictest of conditions. Asking her to go with him, for example, is not permissible. Apparently it is an unforgivable offense to ask a girl a direct question. The date does take place, against all odds, and the teeners attend a rave more wild and debauched than anything the denizens of Zion could imagine.* Urban legend holds that this short was written by Ed Wood, though I’d say it’s far too well plotted. *Zion here refers to the lame fictional city of the Matrix Trilogy, not the Promised Land of God’s chosen people in the Old Testament. Consult a physician. - Josh Way: The Fun of Being ThoughtfulE29
Josh Way: The Fun of Being ThoughtfulThis daring film sparked a national dialog that led to the Truman Administration’s controversial “Thoughtfulness Index.” After a few cranky kids explain why they can’t be bothered with thoughtfulness, we spend way too much time with a disgustingly perfect family who are so darn thoughtful you’ll hurl. Their orgy of consideration and helpfulness escalates in bloody one-upmanship until each of them lies dead. Just foolin’. Nothing really happens. - ICWXP 102: Lady FrankensteinE30
ICWXP 102: Lady FrankensteinJoin Commander Rick Wolf, along with his robot pals Johnny Cylon and Topsy-Bot 5000 as they’re forced to sit through the trashy horror epic "Lady Frankenstein." Italy’s take on the classic tale is the smuttiest one to date! After the Doc’s phallic-headed monster bear hugs him to death, his foxy daughter Tonya decides to use his lab as a boyfriend factory! It’s a steamy love story for the handicapped, as Tonya seduces not only her father’s crippled lab assistant, but their mentally challenged stableboy! Be among the first to see the second episode of the series being hailed as one of the least awful underground riffing shows around! Six fun live action skits included! - Fun With Flicks: The Wasp WomanE31
Fun With Flicks: The Wasp WomanRoger Corman’s THE WASP WOMAN tells the oh-so-progressive story of Janice Starlin (Susan Cabot), a successful-but-aging cosmetics executive who is destroyed by her own obsession with youth and beauty (SPOILER, by the way). When a crazy, vaguely ethnic beekeeper (Michael Mark) offers to share his secret research on royal wasp jelly with her, Starlin embarks on a dark, twisted, and clumsily plotted journey into horror. Winner of the 1959 Academy Award for “Best Science Montage Featuring Footage Already Seen In The Movie,” WASP WOMAN will sting you with terror. Or not. The cast also features Paul Gordon, Lynn Cartwright, and Corman favorite Bruno VeSota (Big Dave from Giant Leeches!). Bzzzzz! Here’s the full, un-riffed movie on Archive.org - The Atomic Soda Pop Gang: Duck and CoverE32
The Atomic Soda Pop Gang: Duck and CoverIf South Park met MST3K, and was animated in the peculiar “Syncro-Vox” style of Clutch Cargo, you’d have… The Atomic Soda Pop Gang. Join Johnny, Jimmy, and Dub as they rip into the Cold War classic “Duck & Cover.” This is the film that taught school kids how to kneel in pencil shavings under their desk to protect themselves from a nuclear holocaust. Of course, a wooden desk is a cement bomb shelter compared to the piece of newspaper Dad holds over his head when the missiles strike. It’s atomic paranoia at its best. Bring on the Commies! The Atomic Soda Pop Gang is ready to rumble. - Riff Raff Theater: TRONE33
Riff Raff Theater: TRONTRON. We can't really identify it as a movie. It's a shared experience of nostalgia. Everyone we talk to remembers loving it, but can't remember when they last saw it. And so we, in our continued efforts to improve our community, have taken it upon ourselves to educate the viewing public on just how bad this film really was. Oh sure -- there's glowing spandex, futuristic crotch rockets, intelligent Frisbees, David Warner - all things we'd love to have in our daily life - but underneath it all, there's a digital elephant in the room, begging you to realize that when a programmer is sucked into a virtual world in order to save humanity from a computer hellbent on domination, we should recognize it simply as The Matrix, and call it a day. - Insert Coin(s) to Continue: Gamera- Guardian of the UniverseE34
Insert Coin(s) to Continue: Gamera- Guardian of the UniverseThe universe is in danger, and He-Man is getting too old to do anything about it anymore. The universe needs a new guardian. Someone strong. Someone brave. Someone green and scaly. Unfortunately, riffer Insert Coin(s) to Continue is the best we could come up with. He'll be taking on one of the biggest threats to mankind: Kaiju revival films! Today, Coin(s) riffs everyone's favorite turtle movie! ... Well, that's not true ... Everyone's favorite turtle-fighting-evil movie ... rather ... Everyone's favorite Japanese turtle-fighting-evil movie ... made in 1995. MST3K favorite returns in Gamera: Guardian of the Universe and he loves children more than ever! More fun than you could crash a taxi through! - Tom and Jon: The CoreE35
Tom and Jon: The CoreRarely have the planets of Bad Acting, Bad Science, and Big Budget aligned so perfectly as in the 2003 blockbuster movie, "The Core". Contrary to what you are hoping, this "The Core" is not an inspirational video about your company's work ethic, nor a PBS special on apples; it's not even a new exercise regimen. No, this "The Core" spits on the work of H. G. Wells, replacing artistic genius with warmed-over technobablistic faux-facts*. When the Earth's core stops spinning, there's only one course of action: build an unfeasible ship, crewed by unlikely heroes, sent on a preposterous journey to overcome insurmountable obstacles, thus solving an irreparable problem. Oh, and did we mention "Bad Science"? Who could resist all this, an easily predicted character culling, and a two-hour-plus runtime? Certainly we could not, so we invite you to join us on this tour of the bowels of the Earth Sci-Fi movie silliness. - Insert Coin(s) to Continue: The Lincoln ProjectE37
Insert Coin(s) to Continue: The Lincoln ProjectA folder of government documents is in danger! ... And that's about all I understood of the plot of independent director Jeff Prahl's first original feature film, The Lincoln Project. In retaliation for a horribly embarrassment involving a homecoming tux and a can of Red Bull, Jeff's close and personal "friend" Insert Coin(s) to Continue rains on his cinematic parade. Produced on a minimal budget and featuring a cast of Jeff's friends and classmates, the film is a battle between directorial genius and narm-laden cheese. Follow David Manson's and Nathan Burnett's chase around the world to exotic locations like London (shots of downtown Bellevue), LA (shots of Seattle), and Seattle (ironically, not using any footage of the very convenient Seattle). Grab on to your stupid hairstyles! It's like James Bond meets Mission: Impossible ... The High School Years. More fun than you can sneak out of an antiquities show in a champagne glass! - Ice on Mars: Star Trek Voyager: CaretakerE38
Ice on Mars: Star Trek Voyager: CaretakerIn their inaugural riff, Michael T. Bradley and Jason Freston take on the Voyage pilot. Like so much Trek, Voyager's high concept is brilliant, but its execution is, shall we say, somewhat flawed. Ostensibly about a solitary Federation ship in uncharted territory having to mix with a renegade Maquis crew, searching for a way home and having to adapt and take drastic measures along the way, the show quickly becomes a reset button-laden TOS wannabe. With the pilot, we get a blobby alien who brings ships into the Delta quadrant so it can pretend to be an old woman offering corn and/or an old grumpy man who plays the banjo. It also likes to become a flirtatious young woman. Less said about that, the better. The pilot also introduces us to a race of Thunderdome rejects who haven't figured out water but have spaceships. They like to talk about how useless other races are. We also meet the disturbingly nude Neelix. Janeway decides to strand them all 75 years from home with little to no thought and for vague, seemingly unnecessary reasons. It's a fun ride for all. - PS Productions: Star Trek II: The Wrath of KhanE40
PS Productions: Star Trek II: The Wrath of KhanStar Trek II: The Wrath of Khan has it all: slam-bang space battle action; a clash of hero and villain both larger than life; resonant themes of revenge, age and renewal, friendship, and sacrifice. Lots of people say it's the best Trek movie ever made. Think it's too good to make fun of? Think again! C'mon, mind-control earslugs? The Duel of the Hams? The Shat That Roared? Oh, we're gonna have fun with this, boys and girls. William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, and Ricardo Montalban's chest* star in the movie that launched a thousand sequels (okay, eight or nine). Paul Golba and Shane Tourtellotte star in the riff that launched PS Productions. - Logan Jones: AnacondaE42
Logan Jones: AnacondaJon Voight is a deeply disturbed, homicidal maniac with an Ahab-type-Level 3 obsession. That's handy for the movie Anaconda where he plays a homicidal maniac snake poacher with an Ahab-type-Level 3 obsession with giant snakes. However, Mr. Voight is required to flex his acting muscles a bit for the rest of the character in order to create the insanely cartoonish expressions of Paul Sarone who employs a Wile E. Coyote style plot to, for some reason, trick a documentary film crew into coming along on his hunting trip. Oh, and there's also J Lo as the hot survivor girl, Ice Cube as the token black guy, and a handful of other dolts who might as well have "Snake Bait" tattooed on their foreheads. So sit back and enjoy as Logan Jones a.k.a. Riffer Zero tears into this wretched piece of cellulose for his inaugural Riff. - OneWallCinema: Dragnet: The Big SeventeenE44
OneWallCinema: Dragnet: The Big SeventeenUpper middle-class kids in LA have a case of the crazy. They show up at a movie theater and trash the place. So what could possibly cause them do to that? Well drugs of course! Fortunately Frank and Friday are on the case! Marvel at intense dialogue! Vomit at the detectives lunch selection! Learn about many new and exciting products in the commercial breaks! - Fun With Flicks: Voyage to the Prehistoric PlanetE45
Fun With Flicks: Voyage to the Prehistoric PlanetJosh Way riffs this 1965 Sci-Fi "classic," featuring badly dubbed Russian astronauts, a highly impractical robot named John, and just a hint of Basil Rathbone for seasoning. An excursion to the planet Venus reveals the startling truth - that even in space, boring things are lame. This iRiff comes with a Video On Demand movie with the riff audio mixed right in, as well as an mp3 of the isolated commentary. The original movie is available on archive.org: http://www.archive.org/details/VoyagetothePrehistoricPlanet - Some Guy Riffs: DuneE46
Some Guy Riffs: DuneWhy do humans in the future need cinnamon to have a good time? Will Thufer trim his eyebrows? Will Stilgar ever practice basic hygiene? There are very good answers to all of these questions. None of them are found in this movie, however. Join geek and useless knowledge addict Courtney Ferguson for a raucous ride through this dark, confusing science fiction classic. Wallow in disgust at the glorification of obesity! Marvel at the power of technologically enhanced sneezes! Weep in the presence of shocking earth tones! - Hecklevision: Superman in Japoteurs (1942)E47
Hecklevision: Superman in Japoteurs (1942)Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... Wait. It is a plane. But not just any plane! It's a HUGE military plane with tiny planes inside! How about that? Clark Kent and Lois Lane are out to cover the story on this massive machine, but this is during World War II, meaning that there's a bunch of evil Japanese spies running around. Join Max Fleischer's extremely well-animated Superman as he has to deal with both the great Japanese threat AND Lois' racism. This looks like a job for Hecklevision! - Heckle and Jibe: Superman IIIE48
Heckle and Jibe: Superman IIIHave you ever wondered what it would be like to make a sucky superhero movie? I know, in this day and age, we can't possibly imagine them screwing up something as full of potential as the Incredible Hulk or Fantastic 4. But clearly that is exactly what Richard Lester was hoping to do when he came out with Superman III. Of course, then they felt they had to top themselves with Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, but you have to start out slowly when making utter tripe out of an iconic figure. Even Lex Luthor refused to be in this one, so they got the next best thing: Richard Prior. Yeah, we don't understand it either. - J.C. Walsh: Alone in the DarkE49
J.C. Walsh: Alone in the DarkFrom the mind of Uwe Boll, certainly the Coleman Francis of our generation, comes a bold, striking new take on the age-old battle of Good Vs. Evil: what if it was depicted as a battle between light and darkness? This breathtaking new vision lays the groundwork for Alone in the Dark, one of the darkest, loneliest movies of 2005. Tara Reid, fresh off her highly publicized affair with the entire 2005 AFC Pro Bowl team, joins a mostly-not-drunk Christian Slater in a battle against some ambiguously evil guy with some sort of vague plan that involves dropping worms in people's mouths and cavorting with slimy dog-lizard creatures. And that was just how Dr. Boll described it at the pitch meeting. But the pain will abate as J.C. Walsh enhances the viewing experience with his own brand of snarky Jersey wisdom. Why, ninety minutes from now, you'll scarcely be able to tell which you hate more. But maybe, just maybe, you'll learn a little something about yourself. - The Turkey Shoot with Scott Zee: Fire! Patty Learns What To DoE50
The Turkey Shoot with Scott Zee: Fire! Patty Learns What To DoEmergency! Red Alert! Patty please advise! Patty please respond! All Patty report to duty stations! Patty ASSEMBLE!!! A seemingly-dramatic recreation has broken out in the San Fernando Valley, threatening the lives and livelihoods of simple farm-folk. All this seen through the eyes...of our narrator. Not so much through young Patty Garmen as the title might suggest. Yes, contorted irks may occur to the confused stylings of announcer Don McNamara, who apparently read the 'gag' copy all through the recording session. Kids, though, will feel highly empowered towards the end of this short.This was the case for many atomic-era educationals. Why the child in you will feel the call to duty against the flaming red menace that endangers all.The slavic, borscht-eating inferno. The billows of vodka-swilling godlessness. Needing to be stamped out and doused upon by big, American hoses! But, then we'll all learn Patty's big lesson,..and fart at it. - Blame Society Productions: Star Wars - A New HopeE51
Blame Society Productions: Star Wars - A New HopeBack in 1977, an unknown little indie picture named Star Wars was quietly released. It was a critical and box-office failure and has been criminally ignored ever since. Now it’s time to dust off this obscure gem and give it the attention it deserves. Blame Society Productions is Matt Sloan and Aaron Yonda -- creators of Chad Vader and a slew of other hilarious internet videos. Listen as Matt, Aaron and Chad Vader himself riff on everyone’s favorite sci-fi sacred cow and reveal some startling secrets about the characters: the sickness and depravity of R2-D2, C3P0 and his “special friend”, and Darth Vader’s bizarre Neil Young obsession. Chad Vader also waxes nostalgic about his relationship with his older brother Darth and tells a few stories from his own life. Oh, and there’s also a bunch of boring “good vs evil” and “hero’s journey” junk too. Enjoy! - Riffer Phoenix: Destroy All PlanetsE52
Riffer Phoenix: Destroy All PlanetsWhat would happen if the Gamera franchise ran out of ideas and tried to pad out a new movie with random fight sequences from other Gamera movies? Destroy All Planets. Still, there is something to be said of the gore of giant monsters violently tearing into each other in a movie aimed at children and dressed as a family film. Offical Synopsis: A group of aliens from another planet head for Earth with the intentions of conquering it. Their first ship is destroyed in transit by the giant flying turtle Gamera. A second ship makes it to Earth and captures two Boy Scouts and holds them captive so that Gamera will not attack them. The aliens then implant a remote control device into the monster's neck and use the great turtle to attack Tokyo. The boys then come up with a plan to foul up the remote control device to the point where Gamera does the opposite of what he is ordered to. As a result Gamera destroys the aliens ship, but then has to contend with their giant squid like leader Viras. - Luke and Joe: Bloody Pit of HorrorE53
Luke and Joe: Bloody Pit of HorrorWhat happens when airhead models and smarmy photographers break into a castle for some sort of photo shoot or something? Bloody Pit of Horror won't answer that question but it certainly tries, and Luke and Joe are here to help in this full-length VOD riff. - Fanboy Sci-Fi Theater: King Kong - The Eighth Wonder of the World (2005)E56
Fanboy Sci-Fi Theater: King Kong - The Eighth Wonder of the World (2005)What’s really a wonder is how any audience could manage to sit through this painfully-long 2005 remake by Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings) without the benefit of an iRiff commentary. If you thought the previous 1976 remake by Dino De Laurentiis was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet! Jack Black and Naomi Watts co-star, along with Adrien Brody’s nose, and more CGI dinosaurs and bugs than you can shake a banana at, plus the King himself (and we don’t mean Elvis). Lawrence Woolsey presents this first installment of Fanboy Sci-Fi Theater, while Dan ANGELO and his robot pals—Tim Gizmo and Art T. Robot—provide the commentary, making this iRiff more fun than a barrel of (giant) monkeys! - The Back Row: The Relaxed WifeE57
The Back Row: The Relaxed WifeBetter living through chemistry 50's style as Rifftrax iRiffs presents "The Relaxed Wife"- a vintage short from Pfizer. Join riffer mister X (professional smart-ass) as he tackles all this bizarre little film tosses at him: -see an actor who's mugging makes Jim Carrey seem subtle -hear pathologically whimsical music that will test your sanity -endure a rhyming narrator who makes the poetry of Jewel sound like ee cummings Complete with disembodied arms coming out of desks, a man with a pressure cooker head and a product we never get to see, "The Relaxed Wife" is a trippy prescription drug short that makes you think the makers were on something a little stronger when they made it. Fortunately the snarky, silly and deceptively crass commentary by mister X is the cure for this one. - ERS: Super Mario BrothersE58
ERS: Super Mario BrothersBuckle up and hang on tight- the discovery of a parallel universe launches you into the adventure of a... oh, who are we kidding? It's Super Mario Brothers, I can't write this with a straight face. Bursting onto the scene with witty repartee and mild inebriation the Emergency Riffcast System proudly presents their debut iRiff, Super Mario Brothers. Sean Kuczmarski, Mike Haka, and Jack Thorp bravely suit up and follow these plumbers into the soft, squishy underside of New York plumbing. We ask the hard questions: Why are they Mario Brothers if one of them is a Luigi? Is Bowser the missing link between Gamera and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? What did we just step in? The ERS (Emergency Riffcast System) consists of Sean Kuczmarski, Mike Haka, and Jack Thorp. A trio of Michigan engineers out to prove that everything is funny if you dismantle it far enough. - The Celluloid Shinobis: Street FighterE59
The Celluloid Shinobis: Street FighterThe Writer of RIDING WITH DEATH Directs his first and last Video Game Movie with STREET FIGHTER. Starring Jean Claude Van Damne as the guy from Universial Soldier and Raul Juila as the guy from Overdrawn at the Memory bank... with super powers! Also Starring a bunch of TV actors and Wal Mart Greeters cosplaying as their favorite Street Fighter 2 Characters! - Riff Vault: Build Your VocabularyE60
Riff Vault: Build Your VocabularyWhat happens when Mister Willis, a poor sap with no neck, can't find the right words to say at a city council meeting? Sure, he becomes the laughing stock of the community, but there's more. As a nameless narrator lurks in the shadows, Willis' whisper thin son (who frighteningly looks like Jimmy Fallon) gives him tips on building his vocabulary. Famed voice actor Mel Blanc's spirit even drops by to take possession of Mister Willis. It's fun for the whole family if the paint has finished drying. - The Turkey Shoot with Scott Zee: Alcohol Is DynamiteE63
The Turkey Shoot with Scott Zee: Alcohol Is Dynamite $0.75 Uploaded: Mar 04 12 Available formats: Alcohol Is Dynamite Add to Favorites This is an iRiff - created by RiffTrax fans! Click to see all fan iRiffs! Sure, I can say without rebuke, we've all experimented at a young age with the explosive effects of booze. Whether it be that swig of shine from Granny's still, or.. Actually, I can't think of a single real, live-action instance when a libation has ever been so incendiary. Where dark, gaseous matter is violently strewn from the ear cavities, suggesting that alcohol is more than a mere oral irritant and liquid depressant. Well, at least we have the notion of do-gooding, sports writer Tom Ullman. He claims that alcohol, in the hands of minors is a deadly combination. A stress-relieving 'POISON', if I may, that brings decadence to young minds and horribly taints the essence of good, clean American youth. And when this teen-borne alcohol abuse causes risk to health, livelyhood, property, and even life itself, Tom, for some reason, calls this poison 'DYNAMITE'! IT JUST WORKS, DAMMIT! For you (the viewer) we hope this educational ephermeral will be most informative in the ways of preventive measure. And may it not sway you from the fact that Mr Ullman is a stodgy, generalizing weinis trying to appeal to head-strong teens with certain buzz-words he read about once in 'Boy's Life'. And all our hopes that your own meaning of 'dynamite' serves you well. - The Celluloid Shinobis: What About Prejudice?E65
The Celluloid Shinobis: What About Prejudice?... Be Careful, cause "Bruce" will either save your family or KILL YOU... depending on how you feel about invisible people. ... sounds like something that only the great CENTRON could come up with! Pretty people don't like things that are not them ... and they let YOU know... - Marital Riffs: Cooking TermsE68
Marital Riffs: Cooking TermsNewlywed Margie wants desperately to please her husband Tim, so she learns about soft balls and sheet testing. These are just a few of the thousands of hot and sultry "Cooking Terms" that every new wife must learn (what did you think we were talking about?). Watch with the "Marital Riffs" couple as Margie races against time, stupidity, and the harsh reality that pizza delivery hasn't been invented yet to finish lunch before Tim comes home. - Two Men and a Movie: JumperE73
Two Men and a Movie: JumperDavid Rice (Hayden Christensen) has discovered he can teleport anywhere and wouldn't you know it, people want to kill him! Folks just aren't as accepting of Jumpers as they used to be. Despite the advice of legal council, David continues forward in a plot full of more holes than a mini-golf course littered with swiss cheese. The "talented" and whiney Christensen brings a performance that will leave you saying, "Did he just fart or was it acting?" UPDATE (January 2009): No more YouTube sample. Sorry. The "man" said so. And by the man I mean FOX. And you know what they say about the "man"... Chico and the "Man." Here is an approximate transcript of what you missed: Movie says something. We say something clever. The Movie Says something else. We say something witty. The Movie says something related to a "Plot." There is a pause. Fart Joke! So, in short, I'd like to conclude by saying this iRiff is funny. But you don't have to take my word for it!* - QuipTracks: The Show! Ep 101 - Escape Into SpaceE74
QuipTracks: The Show! Ep 101 - Escape Into SpaceJoin Rocky Jones and his obnoxious sidekick, Winky, as they pursue Truck Harman, a traffiker of the "tarantula weed," who has, in fact, escaped into space. Can they catch up to Truck before he smokes all his "tarantula weed"? Will they be able to find a loophole in the law so that they can charge him for the crimes he already confessed to? And what of Truck Harman's smaller cousin, Go-cart Harman? All will be made clear (and made fun of) in QuipTracks: The Show!'s first victim—Escape Into Space! - Ice on Mars: Star Trek Voyager: ParallaxE75
Ice on Mars: Star Trek Voyager: ParallaxMichael T. Bradley and Chris Alderman lampoon the second THRILLING episode of Voyager, B'elanna punches a guy and gets promoted! Also, effect precedes cause! So really B'elanna gets promoted and punches a guy? It's all very confusing, and you'd have to be Janeway to understand. Luckily, SHE IS IN THIS EPISODE! Featuring multiple Voyagers! This is one episode you'll certainly feel follows after the pilot! - Aaron Bossig: Christmas Comes But Once a Year (1936)E77
Aaron Bossig: Christmas Comes But Once a Year (1936)Finally, a Christmas tale that doesn't get all bogged down with that whole "True Spirit of Christmas" mishmash. A bunch of physically-identical orphans wake up on Christmas morning, completely unconcerned with their lack of parents or even food. No, what does them in is finding out that their Christmas loot is subpar. Not to worry! Thanks to the lack of privacy laws in the 1930s, an eccentric old man discovers their plight and decides to get them some toys. The kids are left on their own to find food and adult supervision. - Just Andrew: Purely CoincidentalE80
Just Andrew: Purely CoincidentalSimultaneously eyebrow raising and forehead slapping, this odd short from the 70's probes into how NFL football causes food processing managers to dunce around the plant, inadvertently tainting their product. At least until the great pendulum of nature swings into high gear and doles out heaping helpings of sweet retribution. Watch with "Just Andrew" as he orders up "food safety" with a touch of "Twilight Zone". - PS Productions: Star Trek - Amok TimeE85
PS Productions: Star Trek - Amok TimeEveryone wants to know whether Kirk or Picard would win in a fight, even though Generations bungled our chance to find out. But if you ever wondered whether Kirk or Spock would win in a fight, here's your chance, with the Classic episode "Amok Time." And now, it's funny too! Spock finally hits puberty, and must return to Vulcan to mate -- or die! (Admit it, you would've loved having that excuse as a teenager.) But when his fiancee back home turns out to be the worst Bridezilla this side of the Crab Nebula, he's forced into ritual combat where he must kill his captain -- or die! Paul Golba and Shane Tourtellotte at P.S. Productions will keep you in stitches with this riff -- or die! - Introverted Magical Emporium: A Day of ThanksgivingE87
Introverted Magical Emporium: A Day of ThanksgivingThanksgiving - that national tradition of stuffing yourself so full of turkey and various other heart attack inducing foodstuffs to leave you comatose on the couch. But due to a shortage in turkeys thanks to someone in the 70's needing to toss them out of planes (don't ask me how the economy works) in the 1950's the government was afraid all of the schoolchildren would turn communist. So this short was born, a warning to everyone that if you are not grateful for your small miserable little American life then the government could just break down your door and take your small popcorn bowl away when you weren't looking. Perfect for anyone who's facing a huge family Thanksgiving dinner, a small intimate gathering, or planning on eating a Hungry Man in front of the TV this short will make you grateful that you're not stuck in their horrific little world being forced to recite at McCarthy gunpoint every democratic thing you're thankful for. - Star Trek The Corbomite ManeuverE88
Star Trek The Corbomite ManeuverIn this episode creepy Clint Howard AKA Balok!!! Rules his cubical ship with an iron fist and plays shenanigans with the Enterprise. Meanwhile, Kirk references board game strategies to take control of the situation and leaves one of his own crew members behind as a peace offering. Maybe Kirk should have considered Candy Land instead of Chess when he formulated his master plan. Confused? So is Kirk! - Ice on Mars: Star Trek Voyager: Time and AgainE89
Ice on Mars: Star Trek Voyager: Time and AgainMichael T. Bradley and Kaisha Medford present the third riff by Ice on Mars. Picture a pitch room in Hollywood. Braga and the usual suspects litter the room. Someone brings up the idea of doing an episode of Voyager about a cut-off alternate future, where effect PRECEDES cause. Someone else says, 'Maybe we should check and make sure we haven't done that already?' And someone else—probably Braga?—says, 'No, we've only had two episodes, NO WAY have we done that already.' Then everybody laughs and PROBABLY there's cocaine involved? Maybe they torture a hobo to death? Whatever. This is the episode in which Kes's amazing psychic powers to—in the "real" space-time continuum—SENSE NOTHING first show up, and ... that's obviously an important continuity point. You like annoying elf children? Check! You like fashion mistakes that would make Lady Gaga blush? Check! You want craggy white guys arguing? BABY, VOYAGER WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN. - Corvis and J. Freek: Cool as IceE90
Corvis and J. Freek: Cool as IceRob "Vanilla Ice" Van Winkle terrorizes video screens with his obnoxious hair and bad rapping. He hangs out with the father from Alf, who coincidentally has a daughter named Kat who Ice seems to be "hungry" for. Is Ice an alien? Is Ice Alf in disguise? Why do fish get more screen time than the token black people? What happens to Willie now that Alf discovers him? AND WHY IN GOD'S NAME IS THERE A SCENE WHERE ICE SIMULATES HUMPING A DUDE ON STAGE???? Find out the answers to these questions and more in "Cool as Ice." - Riff This: LabyrinthE91
Riff This: LabyrinthThe 80s. An era of hair, an era of synth music, and an era of children's movies with puppety creatures. Obviously, combining all three would make for the most amazing cinematic experience imaginable. Right? Depends on your definition of amazing. Watch an underage (and overacting) Jennifer Connelly run around whining, David Bowie showing off amazing songs and even more amazing hair and codpieces, and creatures born under the unholy marriage of Jim Henson and George Lucas's creativity. All with the added bonus of John Fleury's first ever edition of Riff This! - Aaron Bossig: Joe Santa Claus (1951)E92
Aaron Bossig: Joe Santa Claus (1951)Merry Christmas. Peace on Earth, good will toward men. Women, on the other hand, need to learn their place. In what may be the most sexist Christmas movie ever, Joe Santa Claus tells the story of a man who runs away from his wife. The woman did, after all, want to cook, clean, raise their child, and HAVE A JOB! Their family was torn asunder by Mrs. Joe Santa Claus' determination to keep them out of bankruptcy. Joe finally manages to find a way to keep his wife at home-- by becoming an illustrious retail associate and being fondled by the janitor. Will Joe ever come to terms with his wife's devotion? Will he ever go back to his family? Will dinner be ready when he gets there? Find out in this holiday special so classic, no one remembers it! - Red Dawn - Track Zero presentsE93
Red Dawn - Track Zero presentsIn 1984, assuming you were around back then, you probably saw two movies; Ghostbusters and Red Dawn. And in the long run, Ghostbusters became a classic while Red Dawn became a cult-classic. Which is to say one is awesome and the other... persists. The film, packed with the hottest young stars of the day, chewing the scenery like they were in a rush to start a cocaine habit, can only be described as jingoistic - and Reagan-tastic! Join us for a romp through alternate history that doesn't include Canada, allergies, acting, and military porn... it's Red Dawn! WOLVERINES! - The Movie Asylum: Titan AEE98
The Movie Asylum: Titan AEJames, Ben, and Casey are three video rental store employees who work at a store that wishes it had a fraction of the business that Blockbuster has. Brad Sherman, the owner of B.S. Video, has a questionable taste in the movies that he decides to play in the store. Instead of succumbing to boredom or doing something completely insane, like doing their jobs, the trio decides to pass the time by making fun of the horrid movies that their owner makes them endure. Titan AE is the story of Cale (Not Luke Skywalker) and his quest to free humanity from the evil Drej (Not the Empire). Along with Captain Korso (Not Han Solo), Akima (Not Princess Leia), and Gune (Not Yoda) they embark on a quest to find the Titan (Which looks nothing like the Death Star). Filled with characters and dialog that makes the Star Wars prequel trilogy look like Citizen Kane, this is one film that Joss Whedon surely wants to forget he ever wrote. Written and performed by James Rosenthal (James of LinHood), Ben Rosenthal (MechanicalTorgo), and Casey Tripp with additional writing by Mike Hirsch (dignan) of the Rifftrax forums. - HeadGames Podcast: Mazes and MonstersE105
HeadGames Podcast: Mazes and MonstersA clarion call for negligent blame-seeking parents everywhere, "Mazes and Monsters" (1982) was Rona Jaffe's attempt to cash in on the sensationalism behind the James Dallas Egbert III case - you know, the one that Patricia Pulling made so famous as an "expert witness" to the demonic influence of Dungeons & Dragons? Out of the cast of nobodies that starred in this made-for-after-school-TV masterplop, one shining Bosom Buddy emerged relatively unscathed: Tom Freakin' Hanks. Though to this day he continues to conveniently omit this unsightly little springboard (check his Wikipedia entry - it's not there), the Head Games Podcast crew managed to dig it up out of the dollar store bargain bin and give it the sarcasmoblasting it so achingly deserves. - Aaron Bossig: Star Trek: TOS Spock's BrainE132
Aaron Bossig: Star Trek: TOS Spock's BrainThe original series of Star Trek was groundbreaking in so many ways. It took the genre of science fiction and elevated it from campy kiddy matinee fare up to a serious primetime drama intended for adults. It showcased some of the best writers in the industry, and went down in history as a show that promoted equal treatment of all people, both now and in the future. Then, with one episode, all of that was shot to hell. "Spock's Brain" was 50 minutes of hokey, sexist drivvel. Everyone even remotely connected with Trek would like to forget this episode exists... but it does exist, we have proof. And as your Riffer for this evening, I promise you that I will not let them live this down. - 8Trax: Doomsday (Unrated)E134
8Trax: Doomsday (Unrated)Seriously, this is the real description on fandago.com. Not jokeing, you're in for a wild ride and I, Matthew Madonna, will be your scoufer. Three decades after a major country is quarantined in hopes of containing a lethal and highly contagious virus nicknamed "Reaper," signs that the super-bug has resurfaced in a major city prompt desperate specialists to race back into the infected zone to find a cure. Few could have foreseen the terror that the microorganism known as "Reaper" would unleash upon the unsuspecting population, and when terrified authorities quarantined the entire country in hopes of saving the human race, the streets immediately descended into chaos... - Aaron Bossig: Social Courtesy (1951)E170
Aaron Bossig: Social Courtesy (1951)Who is going to teach high school boys not to pick fights, scowl in the corner, or treat girls like pond scum? Well, you'd think it would be their parents, but apparently this herculean task is reserved for the good folks at Coronet Films. They'll introduce us to Bill, pug-fugly kid with personality issues that go far beyond your garden-variety emo. He thinks all the kids are stuck up, yet Bill can't figure out why no one is jumping at the chance to hang out with him. Given the help of his friend, the all-powerful narrator, Bill gets all the help he needs to go to the Hobo party. Will he succeed and win the heart of his fair Carol before the clock strikes midnight? - QuipTracks: Godzilla (1998)E171
QuipTracks: Godzilla (1998)Godzilla was originally about a Japanese guy in a rubber monster suit wrecking cities and fighting big moths. *Record-Scratch* But it's the 90's! And the 90's require a dope new attitude, and This ain't your daddy's Godzilla, and Parents 'll never understand it, and We just do, and Special effects and rap covers of Led Zeppelin songs are fine, but what kids really want is a cohesive plot and likable characters...NOT! *High Five* Put on your clashing, unbuttoned (or incorrectly buttoned) over-shirt, swivel that cap around and pull a tuft of your greasy blond hair through the hole, strap on your RatchTech Shoes and get ready to raise the roof because this fly flick is totally money! - ICWXP 103: Bloody Pit of HorrorE178
ICWXP 103: Bloody Pit of HorrorMr. Universe of 1955, Mickey Hargitay (Lady Frankenstein) plays reclusive ex-actor Travis Anderson, who enjoys wearing effeminate bathrobes and brooding in his cozy castle. Along with his two live-in henchmen, he lives a life of complete and utter solitude! However, that all changes when a group of smarmy smut photographers and their fussy model girlfriends storm his lair, and it means one thing – wacky trouble! Watch Travis’ noble crusade against the sinful pornographers, aided by the lovable spirit of skin-tight leotard-wearing murderer, The Crimson Executioner! Your jock area will be positively aching with sympathy pains! - QuipTracks: Van HelsingE180
QuipTracks: Van HelsingThe year is allegedly 1888. The Vatican's army of Buddhists, Muslims, and toddling friars with hat hair work tirelessly to arm the great monster hunter Wolverine with the most ridiculous and inane weapons known to man, so that he might fail to hit large targets with the utmost speed and accuracy, picking up baronesses in tight corsets along the way. You'll gasp as Dracula chews more scenery than you could fit in Wyoming. You'll scream as the Frankenstein Monster relays life lessons about tolerance and acceptance. You'll yawn and scratch your unmentionables as Kate Beckinsale expands her acting repertoire to include vampire *hunters* (she wouldn't want to be pigeonholed). And you'll snack as the movie becomes tedious and you wander into the kitchen for a sandwich. Features the voices of: Tristan, Tracy and Kevin. - Fun With Shorts Double Shot: You and Your Work/Bus NutE184
Fun With Shorts Double Shot: You and Your Work/Bus NutWe're passing the savings along to you with this double shot of brand new shorts! "You and Your Work" is the inspiring tale of a shoe salesman who learns to suck it up and pretend to like his job. "Bus Nut" is the inspiring story of a little girl who really, really, really, REALLY likes her school bus. They're both yours for the ludicrously low price of 99 cents. Have we gone INSANE?? - OneWallCinema: Enter The Lone RangerE187
OneWallCinema: Enter The Lone RangerWhat "solitary" figure in American folk lore deserves to be taken down a peg or two less than the Lone Ranger? Well strap on your spurs because OneWallCinema is about to do just that. Firing silver bullets of wit and sarcasm, k1 and K2 take you on a 79 minute ride full of laughter and awkwardness as they tackle the beloved Lone Ranger and his cringe-worthy sidekick Tonto. Hi ho Rifftrax aweigh!* - Good Table MannersE191
Good Table MannersAre you afraid to go to parties because you might slather ice cream all over your pheasant au jus and try to shove it in your earhole? Wouldn't it be great if your future self could come back and beat some sense into you? Now you can deal with such involuntary time travel with the aid of forks, spoons, plates, fingers, and other eating implements beyond your limited comprehension. Soon you'll be in demand as the most excitingly dull person on your block! Riffs provided by Dana Simpson of "Ozy and Millie," Thomas K. Dye of "Newshounds" and David Brodbeck. - The One Man Band: An American Werewolf in ParisE204
The One Man Band: An American Werewolf in ParisDo you remember John Landis' classic take on the werewolf film, American Werewolf in London? The classic scene with the "American Balloon Thief?" The amazing transformation sequence that won a special Makeup Effects Oscar? This is not that film. Less of a sequel and more of a...well, completely unrelated film, "American Werewolf in Paris" proved that yes, a film was made 16 years after the other one. Starring Kirk Cameron-alike Tom Everett Scott (from others films in the late 1990s) and Julie Delpy (who shows there's more than one way to pronounce 'cellar'), the plot revolves around a group of extremely hairy monsters that stalk the streets of Paris hating Americans...and there's werewolves, too! But I kid...the real horror in this film revolves around CG embarassing even for 1997 and, of course, gratuitous use of Smash Mouth. - KiTMAh Predicts! - The Green SlimeE207
KiTMAh Predicts! - The Green SlimeMore than two decades ago, a group of men attempted to riff the 1968 movie, "The Green Slime". They failed... Okay, so they didn't know what riffing was yet, they hadn't perfected the craft, but soon would! Now, revisit the film used for the original, unbroadcast pilot of MST3K, given the full iRiff treatment. How could it maybe have sounded had they fully done a riff of the movie, with the full abilities of riffing afforded to them later on. Thus, it's KiTMAh Predicts! Thrill to vague attempts to not sound much different from how they sounded, without breaching copyright issues! No references past October 1988! A sleepy voiced guy and a Midwesterner! A third riffer oddly appearing after whenabouts a host segment would've gone, then disappearing after when the next one would've gone!... And YOU, are there! - Tom and Jon: The MummyE215
Tom and Jon: The MummyThe target of this iRiff is 1999's 'The Mummy': 739th in a long line of miserable remakes. This version of the movie far outstrips its predecessors on two counts: it contains more Brendan Fraser, and it contains more of that sugar-substitute for quality, CGI. If either of those two things seems promising to you, may we suggest that skipping this iRiff and viewing Journey to the Center of the Earth might be more to your liking. For those still with us, please enjoy this iRiff as we dig in to a nice, dare I say 'juicy'?, helping of well-meaning acting and energetic silliness. Adding that special blend of sarcasm and irony, with a dash of disbelief and a pinch of pain, Tom and Jon endeavour to make this movie palatable to the discerning Riff-lovers' taste. - Aaron Bossig: Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter (1966)E225
Aaron Bossig: Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter (1966)The Old West! It was back when times were tough, the land was harsh, vigilantes were unforgiving and outlaws… were apparently pretty nice guys! Jesse James is the perfect gentleman, quick-witted and soft-spoken, who is wanted by the sheriff of every town in the West. It’s hard to figure out why—everybody seems to like him! Sure, the guy might have hit a stagecoach or two, but he’s just so darned charming! Those stagecoach drivers would probably have just handed over the money if Jesse had just asked. In keeping with its dedication to historical accuracy, Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter depicts one of the most legendary conflicts in American lore. The legendary gunfighter goes up against Maria Frankenstein, a power-hungry babe with a PhD in Undeadology. If Jesse doesn’t stop her, and put and end to her corpse-reviving, the West will be overrun by terrible monsters! Even worse, it’ll mean a sequel to this crappy movie! - Aaron Bossig: Care of the Skin (1949)E245
Aaron Bossig: Care of the Skin (1949) Did you ever wonder why older people think kids will do anything they see on TV? It’s because apparently, in the 50s, parents and teachers believed kids couldn’t learn anything unless their lesson was the subject of a crappy educational film. A fine example of this is Care of the Skin, next in our series of useless educational shorts. Apparently, Encyclopedia Britannica films was under the impression that elementary schools were full of kids who couldn’t bathe properly. Such naiveness is characteristic of the 50s… today, we’re well aware that dirty, smelly people tend to migrate toward airplanes, where they inevitably sit next to you. In this film, we get a glimpse into the lives of three children—Virginia, Billy, and Fred—who live in a giant mansion, dress in silk pajamas, and sleep in gargantuan beds. These obviously wealthy seven-year-olds have no parents to speak of, but that doesn’t bother them too much. Somehow, they’ve managed to make a functioning household. Their only concern in life seems to be their evening wash-up time, which easily takes three or four hours for each kid. Care of the Skin documents every soaping and sudsing these already clean children put themselves through on a daily basis. - Ice on Mars: TwilightE247
Ice on Mars: TwilightIf you think back, I'm sure we all can remember a time that we were an innocent, naive 13-year-old girl who wanted nothing more than for the cute older boy in our class to look our way and realize how special we were beneath our clumsy exterior. For most of us, the story ended with us realizing that the older boy in our class was held back because he'd huffed so much paint he couldn't spell his name without entering a trance-like state, and us realizing we were young men from the Midwest randomly dreaming of older men in a society more stringent than that portrayed in Brokeback Mountain when it came to such things. For Stephenie Meyer, however, she takes this premise, makes the boy a sparkling vampire who doesn't kill humans, and Mary Sues herself right into the midst of things. Whether you love it or hate it, there's certainly no denying that Twilight exists. So whether you're a Twi-hater, the boyfriend, husband, father or some other relation to a Twi-lover and you're sick of it and just want something to deaden the vapid silences rampant in this film (you can throw it on an MP3 player & enjoy the film in your own special way!), OR you're a Twi-lover and want to use this as an excuse to show it to friends ('no, no, this makes fun of it!' but secretly you're hoping the magic will sweep them away despite all the silly voices...), this is the riff for you! Features Michael T. Bradley, Kaisha "Time & Again" Medford and Josh "Human Beasts" Robinson. - WiseCrax: Big Trouble In Little ChinaE248
WiseCrax: Big Trouble In Little ChinaKurt Russel has found himself in the midst of a Chinese buffet battle raging in the streets of little China. All he wants is his truck back... and maybe a crack at the crab legs. Meanwhile- John Carpenter himself is looking for the ultimate shemale to be his bride and the grandpa from 3 Ninjas is pissed. Will Wang get his "girlfriend" back? Will John Carpenter have to register as a sex offender? Does anybody else smell that? Just remember what old Jack Burton says at a time like this- "Yes sir, the check is in the mail." - Reminds me of a joke my uncle Roger once told me... - Sharpshooter Productions: How Do You DoE252
Sharpshooter Productions: How Do You DoStep right up and buy some nuts, because you'll get a handfull in this adventurous and dare I say nuts, humerical Riff. You can soar through the planes of comedy and will NEVER stop laughing. Please rate it and dont bias the rating just because my description is amazing. How Do You Do is a rather stupid and anoying film and honestly I damnright love em this way. If you do too, break a leg and bust a nut and buy my film now. This film is 13 mins and 34 seconds so your heaving laughter will be eased. - Aaron Bossig and Michael T. Bradley: Meat: From Range to Market (1955)E260
Aaron Bossig and Michael T. Bradley: Meat: From Range to Market (1955)Do you like meat? I bet you don’t have a CLUE where it comes from! See, meat actually comes from ANIMALS! And animals eat GRASS! And get this—those animals don’t just fall apart into sausage, hamburger, chops, and roasts—they need to be BUTCHERED! Or wait, maybe you did know that… you and every other person who’s even vaguely familiar with the concept of “meat”. However, somewhere out there in some remote corner of the planet is a poor sot who has no idea how cows turn into Big Macs, and that person is thanking their lucky stars that Encyclopedia Britannica Films is there to help. So don’t be making fun of them! Michael T Bradley (Ice on Mars writer and longtime vegetarian) joins Aaron Bossig (who likes a good steak) to deliver this farm-fresh iRiff. Meat: From Range to Market is suitable for carnivores and grass-eaters alike, and is offered as a full-video iRiff. Download and enjoy! - Team Swizzlebeef: What Makes a Good Party?E281
Team Swizzlebeef: What Makes a Good Party? Jean's brother Steve is bringing his roommate home from college. They're having a party, and it just has to turn out right! This 1950 educational film warns us that our party will be a disaster without careful library research. This is Team Swizzlebeef's long-awaited debut. Please note: this is perhaps the only iRiff featuring bacon, furries, and a panda. - The One Man Band: DoomE290
The One Man Band: DoomThe "Dwayne Johnson" Rock stars as Sarge, the tough-as-nails Marine...um, sergeant, alongside Karl "Bones McCoy" Urban, as well as...um...yeah, about that. Anyway, the most British/New Zealand-sounding U.S. Marines ever are called in to find out what happened to a group of scientists that disappeared under mysterious circumstances (if you call recordings of people being eaten mysterious, but what do I know?). As trained professionals, they handle themselves with dignity and respect...until the monsters show up, at which point they start shooting at everything and everyone, yelling at each other, picking on the handicapped gentleman, and make sure corners are secure. And then there's Portman. Ohhhh, is there ever Portman. And don't forget the 1st-Person segment, so reminiscent of the video game that you'll shout, "I waited an hour and a half for THIS?!?" Join the One Man Band as he leads the team into the depths of the red planet, looking for survivors. Odds aren't looking good. - Introverted Magical Emporium: Make Mine FreedomE293
Introverted Magical Emporium: Make Mine FreedomIn a world filled with tea parties crazy enough to put out the mad hatter, Russian spies that rub elbows with Paris Hilton and Glenn Beck we look to a simpler time: a time when all we had to fear were the Russian commie rats trying to poison the water supply and no amount of turtles covering and or ducking could save us all from nuclear annihilation. Make Mine Freedom is all about a town filled with 3 foot tall cartoon stereotypes as they weigh the pros and cons of embracing the devil's new government and just when is America supposed to get it's shiny new straw hat? A special appearance by a Disney character gone mad with power. - Dark Matter Productions - Star Trek: The Next Generation: Best of Both Worlds Part OneE298
Dark Matter Productions - Star Trek: The Next Generation: Best of Both Worlds Part OneWith the Internets abuzz with J.J. Abrams' successful relaunching of the Star Trek franchise, we invite you to take a step back to yesteryear with us - a big, biomechanical step into Borg territory. Yes, it's Best of Both Worlds Part One, wherein Captain Picard is captured by the Borg, who are all very upset because they don't get to shave his head like all of their other captives. Performance and script by Matt Nelson; writing assistance by Kevin Rudolph. Part Two is riffed by Ice on Mars, which is available at: https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/ice-on-mars-star-trek-the-next-generation-best-of-both-worlds-part-two - Ice on Mars - Star Trek: The Next Generation: Best of Both Worlds Part TwoE299
Ice on Mars - Star Trek: The Next Generation: Best of Both Worlds Part TwoOH NOES! Jean-Luc Picard is a Borg! Whatever shall we do? Well, a few months later we're gonna start off the new season with some slam-bang action, THAT'S what we're gonna do! If we're the people making ST:TNG. But we're not. We're people viewing it 15 years later and mocking it, so WE are going to riff the hell out of it. Featuring Michael T Bradley and Jason "Caregiver" Freston. This is the followup to Dark Matter Production's riff of part one, available at: www.rifftrax.com/iriffs/dmp-best-both-worlds-part-one