Two and a Half Men

Season 3

TV-14

88%

A hedonistic jingle writer's free-wheeling life comes to an abrupt halt when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move into his beach-front house.

Where to Watch Season 3

24 Episodes

Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
E1
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic GymnastsAfter falling off the roof, Alan needs Charlie's help in looking after Jake, which interferes with Charlie's social life.
Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
E2
Principal Gallagher's Lesbian LoverJake gets suspended from school after drawing an offensive picture of a girl in his class that has large breasts. Meanwhile, Charlie is asked to watch over Alan's chiropractic office after pulling an all-nighter.
Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
E3
Carpet Burns and a Bite MarkAlan has been dating a lot, and Charlie soon finds out that it has been one woman - his ex-wife, Judith. He tries to stop Alan, and even brings Rose, Evelyn and Berta to interfere - but Alan ignores them all.
Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
E4
Your Dismissive Attitude Toward BoobsBerta causes tension between Charlie and Alan, when she temporarily moves in with them
We Called It Mr. Pinky
E5
We Called It Mr. PinkyCharlie's conquest Colleen wishes him dead for not reciprocating her declaration of love. Alan calls him a misogynist for implicitly counseling Jake not to commit to his bed-partners. Charlie discusses his attitude to women with Rose, who suggests the psychological root cause is his mother. Worse still, this doubt affects his sex-life, so he's ripe to consult mother and try hypnotherapy from Rose.
Hi, Mr. Horned One
E6
Hi, Mr. Horned OneAfter Charlie's Gothic latest bed-partner Isabella gets him drunk and hands him over to her Satanist coven, both brothers are scared by sudden and unexpected physical afflictions. After Berta meets Isabella and flees, the Harpers fear her spell and try to rescue Jake too. Salvation comes from someone proven even scarier.
Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
E7
Sleep Tight, Puddin' PopCharlie gets drunk and sleeps with Rose on her birthday. Rose says she knows it's no big deal. But her father quickly shows up at Charlie's house, under the impression that they've been dating for two years.
That Voodoo That I Do Do
E8
That Voodoo That I Do DoWhen Mia shows total disdain for Charlie's overtures, Alan believes he's finally out of his depth, but Charlie can't resist the challenge. He deduces she's a dancer, figures out where she teaches a kids' ballet class, and bribes Jake to join so he can bring the boy as his excuse for being there. Once there, Jake falls for Mia, which is the one problem that even Charlie's charm can't overcome once Mia finally accepts a date with him.
Madame and Her Special Friend
E9
Madame and Her Special FriendOne of Charlie's elderly neighbors tries to seduce Alan, while Charlie tries to stop Jake from giving money to a televangelist.
Something Salted and Twisted
E10
Something Salted and TwistedWhen neither Charlie nor their mother commends Allan for being named in the local rag as a 'good doctor', he gets drunk. Despite a humongous hangover Alan's resolution is that he will no longer bend over backwards to please women. Charlie attempts to coach him on male self-confidence.
Santa's Village of the Damned
E11
Santa's Village of the DamnedWhen Alan's girlfriend Sandy shows she's not only pretty but also domestic, Charlie warns him she's a 'nester', but he can't resist her cooking either. At Christmas, elaborate decoration by Sandy confirms Charlie's fear, and the worst is yet to come as she focuses her attentions to the minute detail of her efforts and turns dictatorial. The Christmas dinner has many irresistible courses and a long aftertaste.
That Special Tug
E12
That Special TugCharlie sees a therapist to learn how to deal with Alan's emotional insecurities.
Humiliation Is a Visual Medium
E13
Humiliation Is a Visual MediumCharlie has to decide whether he can really commit to a serious relationship with Mia, especially when sex is currently off the agenda. Unsurprisingly, his suggestion that he sleep with other women in the meantime falls on somewhat stony ground.
Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
E14
Love Isn't Blind, It's RetardedCharlie has committed to Mia, and after two months they're finally ready for 'consummation' of their mature relationship in the sack. Just then, Kandi turns up and drifts to Alan, as Charlie is now off-bounds. Everything seems to go wrong whenever Charlie comes close to the coveted carnal deed.
My Tongue is Meat
E15
My Tongue is MeatCharlie has trouble keeping up with Mia's healthy lifestyle, so he begins to sneak beers, cigars, and burgers behind her back. When Mia finds out what he was doing, Charlie has to decide if he is truly in love with her or just whipped.
Ergo, the Booty Call
E16
Ergo, the Booty CallAs Jake's twelfth birthday approaches, Alan is still smiling ear-to-ear over his sex life with 22 year-old hottie Kandi, even when he's forced to explain to his son what a "booty call" is. Meanwhile, Jake celebrates with a sip of coffee and a handful of vitamins, or at least that's what he assumes the blue pills in his dad's bathroom cabinet are, with the imprinted "V". Like Berta says, he's going to need another party hat.
The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer
E17
The Unfortunate Little SchnauzerCharlie is nominated for an advertising award, but he decides to boycott it because his arch nemesis always wins. The rest of his family tries to trick him into going. Rose is having relationship problems with Gordon and seeks help from Charlie.
The Spit-Covered Cobbler
E18
The Spit-Covered CobblerAlan starts to have financial problems when he starts paying for his girlfriend's bills, so Charlie tries to get him to break up with her. Meanwhile, Judith is after Alan because he is late in paying his alimony check.
Golly Moses, She's a Muffin
E19
Golly Moses, She's a MuffinCharlie is surprised to find out that Kandi has been living with them for the last three weeks. Alan is having a tough time helping Kandi earn a living. Charlie has lost his sense because of the dry-spell he is going through.
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
E20
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a BurroAlan tries to win Kandi back. Meanwhile, Charlie starts to sleep with her mom, Mandi, and Judith gets set up with her father, Andy.
And the Plot Moistens
E21
And the Plot MoistensJake’s teacher has a meeting with Alan and Judith to discuss the lack of interest Jake has at school. Alan starts to fall for Francine, in a platonic way, because he is tired of the lack of intelligent communication he has with Kandi. Charlie helps Jake audition for his school musical.
Just Once with Aunt Sophie
E22
Just Once with Aunt SophieA girl from Jake’s school invites him to his first boy-girl party. Charlie and Alan help him get ready for it by giving him advice. Alan and Charlie get nostalgic and remember their first boy-girl party.
Arguments for the Quickie
E23
Arguments for the QuickieMia comes back to town with her dance troupe and invites Charlie to her performance. At first, he decides not to go and tries to convince Alan that he no longer has feelings for her. He goes to the see the performance and Mia explains that she wants some of Charlie’s sperm. Charlie responds by asking Mia for something.
That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
E24
That Pistol-Packin' HermaphroditeCharlie and Mia start making their wedding arrangements. Things begin to fall apart when their two families meet each other. They eventually decide on a small ceremony in Las Vegas.