The Colbert Report
Season 3
TV-14
Satirical newscaster Stephen Colbert provides humorous commentary on the big issues going on in the United States and the rest of the world, with his larger-than-life ego and overly-patriotic spirit along with him every step of the way.
Where to Watch Season 3
138 Episodes
- Ethan NadelmannE1
Ethan NadelmannStephen opens the show disappointed that Saddam Hussein was suddenly hanged over the show's break. He responds to Lake Superior State University's ban of the word 'truthiness' in "Who's Attacking Me Now?", and gay.com's naming of Stephen as Person of the Year in "Who's Honoring Me Now?"; gives "Stephen's Sound Advice" for getting over the winter blues. - Jim CramerE2
Jim CramerFreem replaces superstantial in the opening sequence. Stephen thanks former Archbishop of Warsaw Stanis³aw Wielgus for being caught in a Catholic Church scandal of a non-sexual nature; scorns Democrats for taking a day off Congress for the college football National Championship game, with quick suggestion of taking a day off for a Ontario Junior League Hockey game; begins new segment "We the MEdiator" to pick sides in celebrity feuds, featuring Rosie O'Donnell vs. Donald Trump, Angelina Jolie vs. Madonna, and Amitabh Bachchan vs. Shahrukh Khan; and ends the show in tribute to James Brown by declaring himself the new "hardest working man in show business". - David KampE3
David KampStephen criticizes Bush for not sending 300 million troops as Stephen advised the day before but he pardons him if this is "the only mistake he makes in this war". He then talks about illegal immigration in a new segment called "Invasion of the Country Snatchers" and about the new Democratic senator of Missouri and its liberal legislation in the Word-Segment. After the break there is a new episode of Stephen's Tek Jansen adventures. - Judy WoodruffE4
Judy WoodruffStephen starts with another episode of his challenge "What Number is Stephen thinking of?" with a clip from 2005. He then celebrates 5 years of Guantanamo Bay and talks to the executive director of Human Rights Watch, Ken Roth. After that he does a "Tip of the Hat/Wag of the finger", double-wagging Apple (claiming this is his first double-wag) for 1) changing their name to "Apple, Inc." and 2) bringing out the iPhone. - Alex KuczynskiE5
Alex KuczynskiWishing viewers a happy Martin Luther King Day, Stephen calls for a nationwide lie-in to refuse engaging in "anything at all", in the style of passive protest such as Rosa Parks, then attacks Senator Barbara Boxer for comments suggesting Condoleezza Rice has no personal ties to the Iraq War. Stephen praises the army for lowering recruitment expectations in order to be filled; channels last week's guest Jim Cramer for a new financial segment "Stephen's Bears and Balls" focusing on real estate, oil, Cingular's name change, soy milk, and beef jerkey. - Dinesh D'SouzaE6
Dinesh D'SouzaIn anticipation of Bill O'Reilly arriving in-studio on Thursday, Stephen lashes out at Jimmy the director for a squeaky chair. In a new segment "Invasion of the Country Snatchers", Stephen profiles immigration issues, from an Italian-descended anti-immigrant possible Presidential nominee, to a chain of pizza restaurants which accept pesos, segueing into Letters from Iwo Jima winning the Best foreign Film Golden Globe. In another "Stephen Colbert's Sport Report", Stephen covers David Beckham playing for Los Angeles, and an anti-Colbert movement of fans throwing teddy bears on the ice when the Saginaw Spirit played the Oshawa Generals in the Ontario Hockey League. - Richard ClarkeE7
Richard ClarkeStill in anticipation of Bill O'Reilly arriving in-studio on Thursday Stephen is more nervous than the day before, bringing out some cherished objects he plans to show O'Reilly the next day. He then talks about the NFL play-offs with Lynn Swann, trying to trash talk all teams except the New Orleans Saints who he favors. After the break "Better know a district" continues with Washington's 3rd congressional district representative, Brian Baird. - Bill O'Reilly
E8Bill O'ReillyThe big day is here, so Stephen is crazy with anticipation that Bill O'Reilly will be on the show, stating that his only goal with this show was to see this day, which makes him reveal a "Mission Accomplished" banner and open the last door on his "Bill O'Reilly advent calendar" (in which he finds Geraldo's mustache). He then turns back to US politics talking about Bush's plans to rise the troop levels in Iraq. He then talks about fights between celebrities on his segment "We the MEdiator", rethinking his last week's judgements. - Tom SchallerE9
Tom SchallerStephen is disappointed at the loss by the New Orleans Saints to the Chicago "God-less killing Machines" Bears. In another "Who's Riding My Coattails Now?", Stephen calls out Bill Clinton for speaking at Knox College after Colbert already had, and artist Terence Koh for selling sperm (in his art) after Stephen's Formula 401 line. The Word is based on the refusal of Alberto Gonzales to admit a right of the people not stated specifically in the Constitution. In another "Stephen Colbert's Balls For Kidz", gambling is discussed. - Michael S. SteeleE10
Michael S. SteeleStephen explains that this is the second of two episodes they taped on January 22, so that he can host a State of the Union address party on the 23rd. Russ Lieber appears in-studio to comment on new laws of the Democrat-controlled Congress. A new Threatdown is "Media Watchdog" themed. - Barry LandoE13
Barry LandoColbert wins bet with mayor of Oshawa after Saginaw Spirit defeated Oshawa Generals. Colbert discusses Microsoft paying someone for Wikipedia edits, and concludes that reality has become a commodity. Wag of the finger to Scientology, which named Tom Cruise as the "Christ" of the cult. - Donna ShalalaE14
Donna ShalalaStephen opens the show by showing a clip from Fox News' Fox and Friends, talking about the invisible beam that makes a person think he is on fire. Stephen then talks about how he stole his neighbor's New York Times and argues with David Leonhardt about what one could do with $1.2 trillion. This is followed by a new segment, "Judge, Jury, and Executioner" and ends by revealing the new microwave (fitted with a Colbert Report logo) which he would be sending to Bill O'Reilly after stealing his earlier. - Jed BabbinE15
Jed BabbinStephen opens the show by discussing the "problem" with Global Warming and in protest replaces Bobby with a 5000 Watt heat lamp. This is followed by the return of the "On Notice" board and the introduction of the "Fantasies" board. Jane Fonda (his fantasy) and The Weather Channel are placed on notice and Lutherans and E Street Band are taken off. This is followed by the 39th installment of Better Know a District, with New York's 6th congressional district representative,Gregory Meeks. - Chuck SchumerE16
Chuck SchumerStephen comments on the 2007 Boston Mooninite Scare that occurred in Boston and laments the fact that he can no longer proceed with his obviously threatening-looking advertisements. This is followed by the "Movies Destroying America" segment, commenting on Steve Carrell's nomination and Ellen DeGeneres hosting. The show is ended by Stephen presenting "The Most Poetic F#@king Thing I've Ever Heard" - Wendy KoppE17
Wendy KoppStephen is ecstatic at the slaughtering the Bears underwent in Super Bowl XLI. Also, he introduces a new product "Formula 419" (A combination of his Formula 401 and 18, Peyton Manning's Jersey number). Then, Stephen notes that Stephen Jr. has returned from Canada and back into Washington (unfortunately in Washington's 3rd, where Better Known representative Brian Baird has lobbied for a new hunting law). - Steven PinkerE19
Steven PinkerStephen starts by introducing a new segment, "California Values Watch". After addressing San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's recent problems. Then talks about the controversy stirred between Representatives Loretta Sanchez and Joe Baca. This is followed by the series finale of Tek Jansen. - Debra DickersonE20
Debra DickersonStephen starts by talking about the astronaut incident on the news and especially that everyone talks about Lisa Nowak wearing a diaper, admitting that he too wears a diaper during his workday. He then claims that Henry Kissinger called him to get him to run for president, which he says he will "not" do (or will he?) but he has formed an exploratory committee on whether to form an exploratory committee. - Michael OppenheimerE21
Michael OppenheimerStephen starts by dancing/singing "My Humps" behind his desk and discusses Grammys. He then talks about criticism of the Iraq War transitioning into "The Word." This is followed by a "Tip of the Hat - Wag of the Finger" segment, in which he commends Australian Prime Minister John Howard for his attack on Barack Obama, but also chastises him for attacking an American citizen. - Lance ArmstrongE23
Lance ArmstrongStephen makes correction, that the Chinese have four times more population than the US, not three. Colbert admonishes people teaching seniors about sex. Sport Report: about the Westminster Dog Show, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, and mentions that the Saginaw Spirit had reached the playoffs. - Shashi TharoorE24
Shashi TharoorColbert talks about how Mastermedia International will pray for him on February 22nd. Asks J. J. Abrams how his prayer day went, with photo of Jimmie "J.J." Walker showing. Then he moves on, to talking about Helen Thomas losing her front row seat at the White House press room. Interviews Candice Bergen by phone about her prayer day too. Better Know A District guest was Vic Snyder from Arkansas's 2nd congressional district. - Craig VenterE26
Craig VenterStephen comments on a recent report about Al Gore's energy usage. Outdoor Life Magazine fires a columnist for calling for an assault rifle ban, an action Stephen commends in the Word. Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle is named a top mascot, behind only the Toronto Raptor. As a result, the Toronto Raptors are moved from "on notice" to "dead to me." Tip/Wag: Wag to Bilk (Japanese beer + milk company), Tip to 107-year-old Chan Chi. - Nina JablonskiE27
Nina JablonskiColbert comments on how David Geffen has switched his support from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama. Then he mentions how Tom Vilsack chickened out of the presidential race, and interviews him in a new segment, Profiles In Quitters. And Problems Without Solutions, special report about SAHD's (Stay-at-home dad's), which Stephen says is against nature's laws. - Ben & JerryE29
Ben & JerryStephen comments on how many politicians have visited Walter Reed Hospital since the scandal. Ben and Jerry appeared to promote their new ice cream flavor named in honor of Stephen. Bears & Balls segment about recent economic fluctuations. And Mara Vanderslice talked about how Democrats can adapt to reach out to Christians. - Mark FrauenfelderE30
Mark FrauenfelderStephen brags about winning the Mega Millions drawing, which hadn't happened yet. In this segment he also mocks Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone. Then he talks about how Lewis "Scooter" Libby was found Not Guilty on 1 of the 5 counts. In The Word segment, Colbert commends doctors who refuse to treat patients for religious reasons. ThreatDown segment: No. 1 was Gravity. - Michael SpecterE31
Michael SpecterColbert makes a rare correction about winning Mega Millions drawing, and calls his boss Sumner Redstone to grovel. The Word was about removing the military Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Then there was 2007's first installment of "Easter Under Attack": proposed Easter bunny name change to spring bunny. And Michael Specter talks about Vladimir Putin's suppression of and mysterious deaths of journalists in Russia. - Ayaan Hirsi AliE36
Ayaan Hirsi AliStephen celebrates the last St. Patrick's Day ever! Then he moves on to how Latin America has so many rabid admirers of President Bush, with comments from Esteban Colberto. In the 44th installment of Better Know A District, the guest was Phil Hare of Illinois's 17th congressional district. - Jerome GroopmanE37
Jerome GroopmanStephen talks about the latest attack in DC, on him, by Rahm Emanuel.[2] The Word refers to South Carolina proposing to allow prisoners to donate organs to reduce jail time. Threatdown: 5.Angry seniors, 4.Dancing seniors, 3.Time Magazine, 2.Fertility clinics, 1.the FDA. And the "Alpha Dog Of the Week" was awarded to Robert Hancock of Carterville, Illinois. - Willie NelsonE38
Willie NelsonWhile unveiling threat # .5 as an addendum to yesterday's threatdown, Stephen finds himself in agreement with a German environmentalist over the euthanasia of Knut, a polar bear cub at the Berlin zoo, until Stephen becomes suddenly enamored when viewing footage of the cub. Later, Colbert collects on a hockey bet with the mayor of Oshawa, Ontario, wherein this day would become "Stephen Colbert Day" in the town; the day was chosen to be the same day as the mayor's birthday. - Katie CouricE40
Katie CouricDebate over DC-residents voting bill with Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton. Criticism over Chicago Sun-Times face reading expert Rose Rosetree's interpretation of Stephen's facial features. Phone conversation with Coach Bob Mancini of the Saginaw Spirit about the Ontario Hockey League playoffs. - Gwen IfillE41
Gwen IfillStephen expressed his anger that a severed mummy hand was recently sold at auction, but not to him; the hand was the earliest example of we're No. #1. In response to Rahm Emanuel's practice of discouraging fellow congresspeople to decline interviews with Stephen Colbert, Stephen played an interview of him conducted by PBS's Gwen Ifill rife with potential misinterpretations. - Madeleine AlbrightE42
Madeleine AlbrightStephen chided Sean Penn for his blunt criticism of the Bush administration. Stephen discusses Iran, specifically a clash over religion, with former US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright who took the opportunity to promote her new book The Mighty and the Almighty: Reflections on America, God, and World Affairs. - Jabari AsimE43
Jabari AsimStephen displayed his disappointment at the elimination of Paulina Porizkova from Dancing with the Stars, especially given that her husband Ric Ocasek is a friend of the show. Stephen discussed oil found in the Arctic Ocean near Russia, and an attempt to add Italy to the Axis of Evil led to an uncharacteristic breakdown. Later, Stephen discussed the N-word with author Jabari Asim, who wrote a book on the subject. - Clive JamesE44
Clive JamesFirst, Stephen questioned the necessity of the Equal Rights Amendment, since everyone should be on the honor system. Later, Stephen cited the promulgation of John McCain that Sadr City is much safer than it was three months ago thanks to the military surge, despite the first-hand reports by Michael Ware that it is not safe for an American to leave the Green Zone. In response, Stephen suggested that Americans think of Iraq's capitol as Neverland. - Colin BeavanE45
Colin BeavanColbert celebrates the 4th anniversary of the liberation of Baghdad, while he eats his "Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream" ice cream. He continues to eat it through the show. And announces that is now the number one flavor of Ben and Jerry's. He also runs an empty microwave in response to a family's attempt to live a "no environmental impact" lifestyle. Also in a fake radio show, Stephen insults Hungarians, reminiscent of the Don Imus scandal. - Jeannette WallsE46
Jeannette WallsStephen scolded the 15 British sailors whom after recently returning from captivity in Iran were seeking to publish accounts of their experience. In "The Word", he talked about America's bogus health care crisis. Stephen then changed the subject to an ethnic remark that he made against Hungarians on his fictional radio show, Colbert On the Ert (pronounced "air"), in which he described Hungarians as "those paprika-snorting ghoulies." - Vali NasrE47
Vali NasrStephen introduced the latest eponymic animal, Stephanie Colburtle, one of the leatherback sea turtles being tracked from Costa Rica to the Galapagos Islands. In "The Word", Stephen revisited Monday's story about the 15 British sailors; in response to a British colonel making the distinction between the soldiers' experiences and reality TV, Stephen devised the notion that perhaps Americans should "make the war a reality show" to achieve success in Iraq and to prepare for a future "spin-off in Iraq." - Dr. Richard LandE48
Dr. Richard LandStephen criticized Democratic senator Harry Reid for using "politicizing the war in Iraq" by citing a translation of a recent speech by Pope Benedict XVI. In "The Wørd," Stephen praised the president for proposing a new "war czar" position that would "chiefly be in command" of managing wars. Later aired a video describing Stephen's building manager Tad's quest to find a female companion for Stephen Jr., the eponymous bald eagle being tracked by GPS. - John KerryE49
John KerryStephen begins by issuing a correction for having called Boyd K. Packer the "Mormon Pope" or "Mope," when he is more of a Mormon Cardinal, or "Mardinal." Colbert then compares Don Imus' firing with upcoming testimony of Alberto Gonzales before Congress regarding the U.S. Attorney firings scandal. - Elaine PagelsE50
Elaine PagelsStephen announced that he will be having a metaphor-off with Sean Penn on Thursday's show. Update on Stephanie Colburtle the turtle who was in 2nd place at the time of broadcast on the race to the Galápagos Islands, by some logic "proving Darwin wrong." Short mention of Iraqi insurgents. - Paulina PorizkovaE51
Paulina PorizkovaOn Who's NOT honoring me now, Stephen complained that he was not being awarded a Pulitzer Prize in journalism. In "The Word," Stephen suggested the corporate sponsorship of the War on Terror since the "War on Terror is more than a name." Video showed promoting bovine growth hormones in dairy cows. - Sean PennE52
Sean PennStephen balks at a scientific study saying that chimpanzees are more evolved than humans in DNA. On "The Word," he talks about John Edwards' $400 haircut and considers him going over to the Republican party. Colbert then interviews Sean Penn, and leads to a Meta-Free-Phor-All hosted by Pinsky (the decider of topics for the rounds used humorous pictures and sound effects in the style of The Daily Show's "God Machine," which Colbert usually took part in). - Dr. Andrew WeilE54
Dr. Andrew WeilThe first act opens with a remembrance of Boris Yeltsin. Stephen continues with a combative interview with Eleanor Holmes Norton regarding a recent bill to give the District of Columbia a vote in the U.S. House of Representatives. In "The Word," Stephen comments on EPA Administrator Stephen Johnson's announcement that the Bush Administration's anti-global warming efforts are delivering "real results". - David WalkerE55
David WalkerColbert decides that a new name is necessary for the long war, and comes up with Freemerican Victernity Made in China. He then backs the idea of having illegal immigrants fight in the armed services in exchange for citizenship. He points out his position on the cover of GQ, then complains about the Four Horsemen of the A-pop-calypse: movies, television, music, and books. - Madeleine BordalloE56
Madeleine BordalloStephen is unhappy at the fact that Stephanie Colburtle The Turtle did not win The Great Turtle Race, after being bested by another turtle named Billy. He claims Billy is a male, and demands a re-race. (After explaining that one can tell the sex of a turtle by the concavity of its plastron, Stephen says that he checks the plastron on "all [his] dates, and if it's not concave, [he is] outta there." - Michael WallisE106
Michael WallisFrom the previous episode, Stephen again mentions the possibility that his ancestors were Jewish. He then discusses perceived inflammatory speech on the Daily Kos website and interviews the website's founder, Markos Moulitsas. In the "Monkey on the Lam" segment, Stephen talks about a capuchin monkey that picked the lock on his cage door at a zoo in Tupelo, Mississippi for the second time in two weeks. He then discusses Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' failure to meet his potential. Finally, Stephen interviews Michael Wallis about the Lincoln Highway. - Mike HuckabeeE107
Mike HuckabeeStephen begins by asking people not to watch his interview with Richard Branson on August 22, which has been reported in the media as a "trainwreck." Stephen then interviews Mike Huckabee, claiming that he came second in the Iowa Straw Poll due to his appearances on The Colbert Report, and what Stephen claims is the "Colbert Bump." - Nathan SawayaE108
Nathan SawayaStephen continues to attack wrist violence, and says the worst offender in "Wrist snuff" is Steven Seagal. He also announces that his "WristStrong" wristbands are now available from colbertneation.com, and all proceeds go to help the Yellow Ribbon Fund. Stephen introduces a new segement, "Nailed 'Em", focusing on successful stories in the criminal justice system. - Michael ShermerE109
Michael ShermerStephen starts with the \"Smokin\' Pole: The Fight for Arctic Riches\" segment, where he attacks Canada\'s claim to the Northwest Passage through the Arctic, claiming it belongs to the United States. In \"The Word,\" Stephen attacks WikiScanner claiming it prevents corporations from editing their own entries, and describes Wikipedia as, \"Second Life for corporations\". - Richard BransonE110
Richard BransonIn \"Colbert Platinum\", he talks about the shutting down of a helipad in Saint-Tropez and the growing demand for champagne. He then interviews Richard Branson about Virgin America and \"Air Colbert\". However, as the interview goes on, Branson and Stephen throw water over each other. - Thomas E. RicksE111
Thomas E. RicksStephen reviews the Iraq War and Dick Cheney\'s role in advocating it. He then interviews Thomas E. Ricks about the war. Stephen then talks about his broken wrist and shows a documentary film entitled Fractured Freedom: The Stephen Colbert Story. He announces that several people had signed his cast, including Nancy Pelosi, Tim Russert, Tony Snow, Brian Williams, Bill O\'Reilly and Michael Bloomberg.
