RiffTrax
Rifftrax
TV-14
Feature movies riffed by teams that include Mike Nelson
Where to Watch Rifftrax
300 Episodes
- Plan 9 From Outer Space (Mike Nelson Solo)E1
Plan 9 From Outer Space (Mike Nelson Solo)Held up by many as the Worst Movie Ever Made (though the twelve people who saw Mariah Carey's 'Glitter' may strenuously disagree) Ed Wood's classic has endured so long because of the fine performances of Vampira, Dudley Manlove, and of course, Tor Johnson, the Swedish wrestler and hulking tower of flesh who turns in his best work as Inspector Dan Clay, a hulking tower of flesh. Original film made in 1959. - Night of the Living Dead (Mike Nelson Solo)E2
Night of the Living Dead (Mike Nelson Solo)A true cult classic -- and one of the scariest movies of all time. The dead are walking, and they hunger for human flesh. A group of panicked survivors are barricaded in a deserted farmhouse while the army of flesh-eating zombies hovers outside their door. Now experience the bone-chilling terror in color for the first time on DVD! With a 5.1 surround sound remix, and a hilarious commentary track by Michael J. Nelson, this is the most fun you'll ever have with the living dead! Original film made in 1968. - Road HouseE3
Road HouseThis is it – the best movie ever made about a world-famous bouncer and his epic struggle with the evil owner of the local J.C. Penney. Patrick Swayze is at his most shirtless as Dalton, a bouncer who is as comfortable quoting Zen aphorisms as he is kicking drunken men in the head. The incomparable Sam Elliot is hilarious as Swayze's grizzled but lovable mentor, growling out lines like "I'll sleep when I'm dead," and running his weathered hand through his long, gray, greasy hair. And Kevin Tighe (of Lost) as the owner of the titular roadhouse delivers one of the strangest performances ever committed to film. Road House is the comic mother lode and Mike takes advantage of every smashed beer bottle, throat kick, and monster car smash-up in his hilarious running commentary. Original film made in 1989. - The Fifth ElementE4
The Fifth ElementLong before the exceedingly boxy, strange-looking car, there was another Element: The Fifth Element, a clown-headed young woman in orange rubber lederhosen who held the key to saving earth from a big ball of evil…stuff. Bruce Willis is a hack (as in "cab driver") who must protect her from the malevolent Zorg (Gary Oldman sporting an acrylic yarmulke, novelty teeth and an accent that makes him sound like a cross between Foghorn Leghorn and Barney Fife). The yummy Ukrainian Milla Jovovich stars as Leeloo, the titular element. Yes, earth's very existence is in the hands of someone named Leeloo. - Star Trek V: The Final FrontierE5
Star Trek V: The Final FrontierThe bittersweet sequel to Star Treks I, II, III and IV was indeed the "Final Frontier", one last voyage for our heroic Captain Kirk and the brave crew of the Enterprise – except for another one to follow. And then of course the several dozen spin-offs and spin-off sequels to follow. "The Final Frontier" sees a special guest appearance by the one character fit to take equal billing with William Shatner: God. And so this RiffTrax deserves an awe-inspiring guest appearance by none other than Kevin Murphy, Mike's riffing companion for years on the Satellite of Love! It's a RiffTrax lover's dream come true. (And Mike and Kevin promise not to make any jokes comparing the Enterprise and Charmin toilet paper.) - CocktailE6
CocktailA drunken Australian councils a young Tom Cruise on life, love, and female undergarments. Tom and Nicole's wedding night? No, this is the thrilling plot of Cocktail, starring Cruise, Bryan Brown, Kelly "Road House" Lynch and Gina "Showgirls" Gershon. When young Brian Flanagan (Cruise) is discharged from the Army and quickly discovers that he has few job prospects, scant talent, and no discernible intelligence, he exercises his only real option and gets a job at a TGI Fridays, whipping around bottles of Blue Curacao and serving deep-fried broccoli balls to people wearing suspenders. When Coughlin betrays his partner, Brian flees to Jamaica, puts on a cheap, Qiana jungle print shirt and resumes his half-baked act there, soon bedding down the improbably named Jordan Mooney (Shue). Coughlin follows him to Jamaica. Can they rekindle their friendship? Will they reform their circus/bartender act? Will they get a job together tossing chicken strips around at a Carl's Jr.? - xXxE7
xXxVin Diesel, the Jean-Claude Van Damme of our time, stars as Xander Cage, an underground extreme sports star who apparently lost all his hair in a tragic skydiving accident. The NSA shanghais Xander to help them bust up a dangerous group of anarchists – and what an amazingly well-organized and thorough group of anarchists they are – by using his skills at pulling the most extremely off da heezy-fo-sheezy stunts ever, bi-atch. Samuel L. Jackson co-stars as Xander's cantankerous boss, made cantankerous, we can assume, by the fact that one side of his face is melted (the result, no doubt, of a mishap while he and his nutty friends were filming a Diet Coke and Mentos stunt for YouTube.) The film is a perfect fit for Mike's RiffTrax style, what with his deep, deep roots in the underground sports community (once, when he was nine years old, he rode his bike right over a milk carton.) - CrossroadsE8
CrossroadsAmong the finest Britney Spears movies ever made, Crossroads* tells the story of a high school graduate who drives to L.A. Not very exciting on paper, but up on the big screen, it's a drive-to-L.A.-stravaganza! Fueled by today's exciting pop hits, Crossroads is sure to connect with the new "youth" market we've been hearing so much about lately. Featuring knock-out performances by Dan Aykroyd (My Girl 2) and Kim Cattrall (Turk 182!) and featuring the chart busting hits of newcomers Mystikal and *Nsync (prounounced NUHS-ink), Crossroads is Federline-free fun for the whole family. Oh, and it makes for a hilarious RiffTrax. *Not the Crossroads where the Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio) challenges Satan (The Author of All Lies) to a blues guitar contest. - X-MenE9
X-MenOn the shadowy periphery of society lives a secret organization of mutants – despised, deformed and loathed, they live in fear of a nation that holds them in contempt. They are comic book fans. And one of their favorites is X-Men, which tells the tale of a secret organization headed by Professor Charles Xavier, master of the mysterious brain device known as Cerebro and ideological enemy of the metal-manipulating villain Magneto. It's all very neat-o. Featuring the extremely British performances of Patrick Stewart (Robin Hood: Men in Tights) and Sir Ian McKellan (Last Action Hero), X-Men tries its altogether best to maintain some shred of dignity even while adults with names like Cyclops and Storm leap around in spandex suits fighting other adults named Toad and Magneto. There's a lot to work with, so Mike enlisted the help of his MST3K co-star Bill Corbett for this hilarious RiffTrax! - Top GunE10
Top GunIceman, Maverick and Slider: while they make great names for members of a tracksuit wearing boy band, they make even better names for shirtless, pretty boy pilots! And Tom Cruise is the prettiest and shirtless-liest of them all as Maverick, a bad boy aviator who lock horns with the large-toothed Iceman (Val "The Island of Dr. Moreau" Kilmer) and locks other things with the saucy MIT-educated Naval consultant Charlie (Kelly "Supergator" McGillis). And if you're a fan of music that is likely to be heard in an aerobics class, you'll love the pulse-pounding soundtrack by disco top gun Giorgio Moroder! For this RiffTrax, Mike flies high with his Mystery Science wingman, Bill Corbett. It will literally "take your breath away"! No breath will actually be taken away. When we say "literally" we don't literally mean it. Original film made in 1986. - Point BreakE11
Point BreakNot since Chicken Fried Steak met Country Gravy has there been such a dynamic pairing as Patrick "Forever Lulu" Swayze and Keanu "Permanent Record" Reeves. The "whoa"s fly fast and furious as Johnny Utah (Reeves), a hotshot FBI agent, pursues Bodhi (Swayze), a tan little fellow with Bon Jovi's hair who dresses up in adorable little costumes and robs banks. Gary Busey (the other Nick Nolte) gives a powerhouse performance as Utah's partner, and Lori "Free Willy" Petty, in one of her thinnest roles, is the girl Johnny likes to sleep with. Point Break is 100% pure adrenaline and Mike's "Point Break" RiffTrax is 100% pure nitrous oxide! - HalloweenE12
HalloweenThe most shocking Halloween-related thing ever -- with the possible exception of the joke about Mrs. Ghost not being able to get pregnant because Mr. Ghost had a hollow weenie. But in a respectable 2nd place, anyway, is Halloween, the horrifying tale of an evil madman named Mike Myers (as if his Simon character wasn't chilling enough) who terrorizes a babysitter by putting on a jumpsuit and hiding in the hedge. (A technique now widely used by custodians the world over.) Featuring the blood curdling theme song by director John Carpenter in which he hits a G on a piano key 900 times, then a C about 738 times and then hammers on the G for a time before hitting a G# and then starting the process over again and repeating it several hundred thousand times. Because he was too chicken to sit in the dark and watch it by himself, Mike enlisted the help of his old pal Kevin Murphy for this hilarious RiffTrax. You'll scream, you'll laugh, you'll jump out of your seat! (And then you should probably start watching the movie). - The MatrixE13
The MatrixIn Earth's dirty, dystopian future, one in which every person alive is kept in a dark, moist pod and fed misinformation (kind of like Manhattan, only the odors are less pungent), only one man can save us – and that man is Johnny Utah. Wait, no – Johnny Mnemonic. Hold on, that's not it. It's some kind of car name…uh, Horizon, um….Omni. Ram Charger – No, Neo. That's it. Neo. Led by the enterprising Morpheus, and the hot-erprising Trinity, Neo learns his fate from the Oracle, a corpulent, crusty, chain-smoking broad who is likely to put you off Oracles forever. What is the Matrix? It's a laugh-a-minute RiffTrax with Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy, that's what. - Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom MenaceE14
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom MenaceOf all the many Binks in the world, who is the most skull-crushingly annoying? Is it the Binks Company, the Canadian insurance brokers? Is it the U.S. manufacturers of spray guns, paint booths, and electrostatic spray equipment? Or is Jar Jar, the mouthy horse-lizard from the 4th Star Wars movie, appropriately titled Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace? If you said anything but number three, you are imprisonably insane! That's right, Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy take on the franchise-ruining Star Wars that everybody loves to hate but nobody loves to watch! Only we make you want to watch it again, and laugh instead of kill! Finally, Jar Jar gets what he deserves! Original film made in 1999. - The GrudgeE15
The GrudgeThe scariest thing to come out of Japan since Pink Lady, The Grudge tells the story of a young woman who travels to Japan with her underwear-sniffing boyfriend and soon finds herself in the clutches of an evil curse (as if having an underwear-sniffing boyfriend wasn't bad enough). Bill Pullman co-stars, sort of, in that he speaks several lines of dialogue. In contrast to a high body count slasher film, The Grudge is infused with a suffocating sense of dread, very much like an average episode of According to Jim. Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson settle their own grudge in this not-to-be-missed RiffTrax. - The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the RingE16
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the RingThe greatest fantasy epic of all times is at last a RiffTrax! No, not Crossroads – we already did that. And not A Very Unlucky Leprechaun – which we haven't done yet but are seriously mulling over. We speak of course of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, the thrilling tale of some short guys, some slightly taller hairy guys, some thin, fey, but slightly taller guys, some grungy, somewhat beefier, slightly taller guys, and a frighteningly hairy, older, slightly taller guy with a stick, and their quest to throw something somewhere hot. Mike Nelson and special guest riffer Kevin Murphy go after the ultimate comedy prize in this very special two-part RiffTrax. This RiffTrax is only compatible with the Theatrical Release, not the extended edition. It does however, work for both the single side and doubled sided versions of the Theatrical Release. Viewing Suggestion: This RiffTrax was written and performed with the whole family in mind, so if you are comfortable with your children watching Lord of the Rings, this should be perfectly appropriate for them as well. Skip the endless reruns of The War at Home and treat your whole family to the RiffTrax experience! - The Island of Dr. MoreauE17
The Island of Dr. MoreauAnd the people cried out with one voice, "Maketh us a movie in which Marlon Brando can don a muumuu, false teeth, clown white make-up and a really gay bonnet. See that it also stareth Val Kilmer at his scenery-chewing best. And, yea, putteth the extras in hot, smelly animal suits and maketh you the plot absurd." And, lo, did John Frankenheimer deliver unto us The Island of Dr. Moreau. And it was good. Truly, you must see it to believe it. But you must only see it accompanied by this RiffTrax, for which Mike enlisted the talents of Kevin Murphy, or else you WILL die. Original film made in 1996. - FirewallE18
FirewallThe thrilling world of banking explodes across the silver screen! Harrison Ford is a bank security manager who gets more than he bargained for when a cold-blooded thief (Paul Bettany) breaks the little chain and steals the pen that belongs to the desk where most customers fill out their deposit slips! And as if that weren't enough, he ups the ante, nearly emptying the entire pot of complimentary coffee into his giant, one-liter travel mug that he got from the Tom Thumb! His reign of terror continues as he gets in line for the teller and begins to fill out his deposit slip only after he gets to the counter! Oh, there are gunfights and fisticuffs and intrigue and Virginia Madsen playing put-upon wives and whatnot, but mostly, this is thrilling, non-stop, ink-spilling banking at its best! The bottom line on this ledger shows an aggregate surplus of laughs, as Mike is joined by Kevin Murphy for one fiscally sound RiffTrax! - Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas DonkeyE19
Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas DonkeyYou know Dasher, of course. And Dancer, no need to refresh your memory there. Prancer, you go way back. Vixen is as familiar to you as Comet, not to mention dear old Cupid. Donner and Blitzen, why you had them over to your house for chili just the other night. But do you recall the most famous donkey of all? Neither do I. That's why Nestor the Long Eared Christmas Donkey performs such a great service. It offers THE authoritative biography of this under-appreciated representative of the species Equus asinus. And it makes a great RiffTrax! Note: Though this RiffTrax could probably technically pass with a "G" rating, it is not recommended for very young children. We suggest screening it first if you are unsure. - Reign of FireE20
Reign of FireA post-apocalyptic thriller that substitutes dirt and grime for any inkling of logic and probability, Reign of Fire features shirtless one-upmanship at its finest. The cigar stub chomping Matthew McConaughey is finally chiseled into Mt. RiffTrax, making a gutsy bid to become the hardest working shirtless man in show business since The Swayze himself. Playing the Keanu-esque foil to McConaughey's Swayze, Christian Bale returns every hardened stare, lets no machismo go unanswered, no muscle flex go un-flexed back at, and he'll be damned if he puts a shirt on either. For good measure, the writers also toss in a few dragons, and hint at the existence of thousands more. It's an old fashioned post-apocalyptic dude-off, both on the screen and in the recording booth, as Kevin Murphy joins Mike Nelson for what is sure to be your newest favorite RiffTrax involving dragons. - DaredevilE21
DaredevilSeveral years ago, it is quite likely that you were one of the millions who bought a ticket to see X-Men or Spider-Man in the theater. The massive success of these two movies convinced studio execs that the public was desperate for any and all things Superhero. In short, it is because of you, yes you, that the film Daredevil darkens our world. Daredevil tells the story of lawyer Matt Murdock (Ben Affleck), who due to a childhood accident involving toxic chemicals has no fear. He is thus able to leap off of skyscrapers and land on the ground without shattering his tibias. Along the way he encounters Elektra (Jennifer Garner), who he fights on a teeter-totter, Bullseye (Colin Farrell), who embraces every stereotype about the Irish, (namely that they have really good aim) and Michael Clarke Duncan, who plays against character for once, in his groundbreaking role as A Really Big Guy. Only a fool would choose to leap headfirst into such a world of second tier heroes on his own, and Mike, despite voluntarily spending hours of his time watching Daredevil, is no fool. So his good friends Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, (who are both also Men Without Fear) are all along for the ride. It's a trio of crime fighting Riffiness that no Riffaholic should Riff without. - Battlefield EarthE22
Battlefield EarthIn the year 3000 man is an endangered species, enslaved, severely unshowered, beholden to a cruel alien race fond of dreadlocks and really impractical boots.Only one man can break the yoke of slavery and lead mankind to victory over their cruel tyranny. And that one man is television character actor Peter MacNicol. Wait – slight error there. Salt of the earth, Peter MacNicol, but it's not him. Actually, the one man who can break the yoke of slavery and lead mankind to victory is Johnny Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper), if you can believe that. Yes, Battlefield Earth, L. Ron Hubbard's epic tale of why you should become a Scientologist splashes* across the big screen in John Travolta's masterful** retelling. Helping Mr. Travolta along in his masterful retelling are Mike, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett. Yes, the MST3K gang is back together in full force to take on the most legendary cinematic blunder since whatever Joel Schumacher's last film was. *like vomit. **here "masterful" is used in the sense of "revoltingly, irredeemably noxious" Original film made in 2000. - Troll 2E23
Troll 2"Be afraid...be twice as afraid!" So goes the tagline for Troll 2, the follow up, unsurprisingly, to Troll. A more fitting tagline might have been, "What the hell was that? Seriously, what was that? Was the director spraying Pam cooking spray into a paper bag and huffing the fumes throughout the production? Was the script assembled by a madman using words clipped from Lyndon LaRouche pamphlets? Did the actors regularly ingest a cocktail of lithium and horse tranquilizers before each scene? And Eliot – someone please explain Eliot to me, using visual aids, if you will, because I cannot even begin to grasp the barest outlines of a concept of just what the hell Eliot is or was? Or does he just exist in some shadowy, nightmare dream world of my own creation? WHO IS ELIOT? WHY IS ELIOT?! WHERE AM I?!" Yeah, that should have been the tagline, but it's a touch long. As it is, Rich Kyanka, the founder and proprietor of Somethingawful.com (and a huge "fan" of Troll 2) joins Mike for a hilarious RiffTrax. Original film made in 1990. - Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered CountryE24
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country"To boldly go where no man has gone before," and if you don't count the 79 television shows and 5 movies that came before it then Star Trek VI does exactly that. Yes, it's bold enough to have lauded stage actor Christopher Plummer glue on a few hideous plastic appliqués and shriek out lines from Shakespeare's plays at inappropriate times. It's bold enough to hire Kim Cattrall for her acting experience alone in a role that has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. And it's bold enough to pretend with a straight face that the cast of the original series shouldn't have been dry docked 20 years prior to this film. To handle this mess, Mike enlisted the aid of Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, his riffing companions from Mystery Science Theater 3000. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll say to yourself, Who is John Shuck and how can I avoid his work from now on? - Over the TopE25
Over the TopNever make the mistake of thinking that Over the Top is just an arm-wrestling picture. Oh, there's arm wrestling, all right – more arm wrestling than an 8th grade study hall. But there's also a truck. And a kid. And a whole lot of arm wrestling! And just wait till you hear the shocking secret behind Sylvester Stallone's signature "turning the hat backward" move. (Hint: it has something to do with arm wrestling!) And there's arm wrestling! And if you're really good, maybe there'll be a Kenny Loggins song at key points in the movie. (And arm wrestling) Mike won't come out and say it, but by the glint in his eye, we suspect that this just may be the next Road House! Disembaudio co-stars in this arm-wrestlo-rama of a RiffTrax. - Aeon FluxE26
Aeon Flux"Seeing it...made me feel helpless, humiliated and sad." A celebrity apologizing for their latest paparazzi shots? No, those are the words of Aeon Flux creator Peter Chung regarding the big screen adaptation of the TV show he created. Peter, Peter, Peter...Why the long face? You have it so good! You want helpless? Watch yet another director hamfistedly attempt to cope with a studio's order to "Be more like The Matrix." You want humiliated? Try Best Actress Oscar winners Charlize Theron and Frances McDormand, who must have done some hard drinking together the night before they signed up to play members of a spy sect called the "Monicans" for some reason. Want sad? Look at the latest devoted sect of fanboys whose beloved cult cartoon is now known by the general population as being "That movie with that guy from xXx." Peter my friend, when a bomb as fast and as loud and as incomprehensible as Aeon Flux comes along, it's your job to just quietly cash the checks, and then turn the reigns over to Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy, and let the two of them do their thing. The hilarity, much like the Relical, (whatever that is), is omnipresent in this RiffTrax, and it is guaranteed to make you feel the opposite of helpless, humiliated and sad, (whatever that may be as well.) - The Wicker ManE27
The Wicker ManHorror has a new name – and that name is "wicker". Once used almost exclusively in the construction of baskets and attractive outdoor furniture, wicker will now and forever after be synonymous with a terror that will chill your blood and torment your mind! (Though admittedly a certain small percentage of people, rather than associating it with terror, will continue to think of their grandma's patio set. There's nothing you can do about these intractable folks but throw your hands in the air and just give up trying to change their minds where wicker is concerned.) Yes, "Wicker Man" dares to depict a nightmarish world in which Nicolas Cage punches a woman in the face so that he can steal her bear costume. And this after having stolen at gunpoint a bike belonging to a woman dressed as a magpie and then going on to knock out Leelee Sobieski by kicking her in the breadbasket. If this doesn't sound scary, may I remind you that there's WICKER! Neil LaBute has done the impossible by making the most unintentionally funny movie since "The Lake House". With such rich fare it would be unthinkable not to let Kevin Murphy in on the fun. And so we did! Kevin and Mike couldn't have had a better time with "The Wicker Man" if he'd been made of rattan! Original film made in 2006. - Terminator 3E28
Terminator 3Robots sent from the future into the past to kill people who will one day become important to the war against machines are like cockroaches – no matter how many of ‘em you kill, there’s always another, showing up one day naked in a little glowing ball of energy (the robots from the future, not cockroaches. Well, to be clear, the cockroaches show up naked as well, but without the little glowing ball of energy.) The point is, humanity’s loss is our gain, as Terminator 3 offers another chance for Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger to show off his prodigious acting chops [i.e., his pecs]. Kristanna Loken co-stars as the ruthless Termanatrix, a superior model of robot with, I think you’ll agree, a superior bare backside, altogether less hairy, not nearly as Austrian, with smooth, clean lines and a… anyway, back to the synopsis. Arnold must protect John Connor (Nick Stahl) not only from the Terminatrix, but also, because the kid is a supremely annoying presence, from all those who want to slap him, and that encompasses everyone who has ever met him. Things get complicated when a whiny young irritant named Kate (Claire Danes) locks John into an unhygienic dog kennel and refuses to even worm him. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines is a big, dumb movie filled with big, dumb people. Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson are two big, dumb guys who are just dumb enough to take it on! - LostE29
LostThe television phenomenon of our time (no, not “According to Jim”) is now the RiffTrax phenomenon of this week! Yes, “Lost”, the thrilling saga of a group of castaways – of varying degrees of hotness – and their struggle to survive without having to resort to wholesale drinking of their own urine. “Lost” conveys the wit, intrigue and fierce intelligence of “Gilligan’s Island” in a modern setting – and without the mind-shattering annoyance of Bob Denver! Contains Episodes 1 and 2of Season 1. - Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the ClonesE30
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the ClonesIt’s Binks-ian fun for the whole family as George Lucas empties the contents of his brain onto film one more time! This go around, the part of the annoying kid is explored more deeply by a new annoying kid, Hayden Christensen, in a performance so jaw-droppingly wooden and laughable it’s got to make Keanu Reeves feel pretty darned good about himself. Ewan McGregor returns as that one guy who was once played by that other British guy, and he’s apparently become comfortable enough with his green screen acting that he no longer even pretends it matters whether he puts in effort or not. And returning for the role of Padme Amidala is Natalie Portman, looking cute but losing her bid to keep her voice from grinding into her audience’s skull like a buzz saw. All of this would be a RiffTrax dream come true – but making it even dream come true-ier is that Mike and Kevin are joined by none other than Chad Vader, brother of Darth and star of his own colossally successful internet series. It is quite simply a RiffTacular RiffStravaganza! - Willy Wonka and the Chocolate FactoryE31
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate FactoryYour favorite chicken-slaughtering candy-maker is now a RiffTrax! Yes, Willy Wonka (the older, shouting Willy Wonka, not the newer, thin, fey version), the chocolatier and inventor of a gobstopper that lasts a good deal longer than the older, short-lived gobstoppers, gets the treatment from Mike and special guest Riffer…(wait for it… drum roll… fanfare… small burst of fireworks…) Neil Patrick Harris! That's right, Neil Patrick Harris, not Ed Harris, the guy with the scar on his face from "A History of Violence", but rather NEIL PATRICK HARRIS! Yes, we somehow finagled the star of "How I Met Your Mother" into the RiffTrax studios to sit with one of his favorite Oompa Loompa-packed films. The result is a very special, very hilarious RiffTrax. - Casino RoyaleE32
Casino RoyaleA spine-tingling thrill ride that moves from the exotic poker tables of Montenegro, to the exotic hotel rooms of Montenegro, then back to the poker tables, then the rooms again, then a return visit to the poker table for a more extended stay, then a short rest and back to the poker table! And there's killing, too! And lot's of sweet lovin', if you're into that. Daniel Craig inhabits the role of James Bond, the dashing MI6 agent who holds a license to kill, as well a license to wax his chest and wear tiny, undignified swimming trunks. Eva Green is Vesper Lynd, (get it?) the hot-to-trot financier who administers the majority of Bond's lovin', with luscious Caterina Murino batting clean-up. And Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen stars as Le Chiffre, a sardine-faced villain and numbers genius (he can make change for a dollar without punching it into the cash register!) Joining Mike is Kevin Murphy. Both Mike and Kevin have a license to Riff. - EragonE33
EragonAre you a fan of Star Wars but feel that there just weren't enough brain-stunningly idiotic names for your taste? Do you like the Lord of the Rings films but find they move too quickly and make too much sense? Did you enjoy The Matrix but wish it could have contained a horrendously embarrassing performance by former actor/professional picnic ham John Malkovich? Then you need help! That is, then Eragon is the film for you! Ostensibly about some punk who finds a dragon egg, Eragon is actually a poignant onscreen documentation of the decline of Jeremy Irons, whose eye bags, if there were any justice, would have received third billing. And it's also a showcase for first time actor - um- can't remember his name. Really made no impression one way or the other. (In fact, was he even in the film?) But mostly it's an opportunity to watch John Malkovich turn in a performance that had to - HAD TO - be a direct challenge to the director, "Please, fire me.I'm begging you to fire me. I'll do a take like this and then you'll have to fire me. Wait,I'm still not fired?" Kevin Murphy joins Mike in the RiffTrax International Studios (and Small Engine Repair) for Eragon, the blockbuster fantasy epic that forgets to be a blockbuster. - GlitterE34
GlitterIf you're a fan of movies that feature screaming, megalomaniacal divas and their relationships to shirtless guys, you have so far been limited to Barbra Steisand's "A Star is Born". But now, like a nut-covered cheese log from heaven comes Mariah Carey's "Glitter" - the film that, more than even her decade long string of unlistenable pop songs, landed her in the loony bin where she spent several months writing lyrics on the padded walls of her recovery room using a thick crayon held between her toes. A film that, without the barest hint of shame or irony, features as a centerpiece the Robert Palmer song, "I Didn't Mean to Turn You On." A film that, against all laws of logic and common sense, gives a prominent role to the former Mr. Halle Berry (a.k.a, Eric Benet.) No one, not even Mike, is dumb enough to take this one without some serious help. And serious help he got in the person of former MST3K cast member Mary Jo Pehl. A true RiffTrax event! - PredatorE35
PredatorSomething lurks in the dense jungle. Something horrible and cruel, a creature from beyond our world. His name is Arnold Schwarzenegger. He lurks next to another unspeakable creature named Jesse Ventura. And another, goes by the handle Carl Weathers. Who himself lurks next to a monstrous slab of flesh known as Bill Duke. Together, they face down a creature who, quite understandably, hunts them for their skulls, hoping to fetch a fair price for them at the many Open Skull Markets that dot the galaxy. (If you haven't been to one, you must go. Take the kids, because the markets are very family friendly and they have these great Hawaiian Ice stands. And, of course, there's the skulls.) Predator unseals a whole tin of whoop-bottom, trotting out cliches like so many, well, like so many boiled human skulls at the terrific Open Skull Market on Nespus VIII (honestly, I know I sound like I'm raving, but it really is just a great way to spend a Saturday, and it's fairly reasonable, too.) Finally, a good use for your Predator DVD that isn't "propping up that one corner of the entertainment stand, the one whose castor you snapped off when you were moving out of that place on Spring Street because you just couldn't hack sharing a place with Beezer anymore, on account of his socks." Original film made in 1987. - Grey's AnatomyE36
Grey's AnatomyThis is the hugely successful, boldly innovative show that dares to tell its story in the unlikeliest setting imaginable – a hospital! But where Grey's Anatomy really ploughs new ground is in its use of attractive young lead actors, and the moody, radio friendly hits of some of today's top artists! And unlike St. Elsewhere, Chicago Hope, ER, The Doctors, Dr. Kildare, General Hospital, Ben Casey, Scrubs, Marcus Welby, MD, Doogie Howser, MD, M*A*S*H, House, LA Doctors, Nip/Tuck, Trapper John, MD, Quincy, M.E., Strong Medicine, After MASH and Doc, this one is on Thursdays at 9:00PM on ABC. Navigating the complex emotional core of Grey's Anatomy would be impossible without the help of Bridget Nelson, a writer, performer and MST3K alum, who joins Mike for back to back episodes. Dr.'s orders – take two shows for maximum results!* *RiffTrax assumes no responsibility for pain and emotional distress caused by that last line. Contains Episodes 1 and 2 of Season 1 - Fantastic FourE37
Fantastic FourMost film adaptations of comic books skimp on the amount of fantastic-ness, offering at best one or perhaps two units of fantastic-osity. Not Fantastic Four! It goes the extra mile by providing THREE (3) fantastic characters (plus a bonus character who's not so much fantastic as he is a fantastic irritant, in the spirit of battery acid on the skin or airplane glue in the eyes.) Plus, Fantastic Four gives you a villain who looks and acts as though he were carved out of large log of congealed tallow! And while other movies might cast Jessica Alba in a lead role and then task her with giving a performance, Fantastic Four plays to her strengths by avoiding any performance at all and instead merely parades her around in a tighter-than-skin Spandex suit. Featuring eye-popping special effects and a collection of words written down and then spoken by the actors (it would be a wild exaggeration to refer to it as a "script"), Fantastic Four gets a fantastic four star rating* from Mike and expert riffer Kevin Murphy. *Out of ten possible. - Star Trek VII: GenerationsE38
Star Trek VII: GenerationsStar Trek: Generations – truly a loving gift from one generation to the next. Much like that 15-pound, 10 percent water-added Danish ham that your uncle Clark who lives in Rockford mailed to you on Thanksgiving, the one that cracked open in transport and arrived at your doorstop in a brine soaked box, stinking like a week old corpse. Yes, this is the legendary Star Trek that at long last teams two of the series' most enduring elements – Scotty, and a size 74 uniform. Not to mention a performance by respected British actor Malcolm McDowell that can only be described as, well, dis-un-respect-ulating. And Klingon cleavage? Generations has it in great heaping mounds! Mike and Kevin Murphy climb once more unto the breach for a fun-filled, intergenerational riff. - 300E39
300A small band of brave men struggle against enormous odds, battling a superior force, and though ultimately they are defeated their sacrifice becomes a source of inspiration and hope that rings out like a clarion call through the pages of history. But enough about the Mighty Ducks. 300, in contrast, is about a gang of shirtless and immoral baby-killing idiots who hack up a larger group of idiots on some cliff in Greece a couple of thousand years ago. To a soundtrack of ersatz Nine Inch Nails. Starring Gerard Butler as a shrieking inarticulate Scotsman (so in other words "a Scotsman"), 300 delivers on its promise to be the bloodiest movie since Carrie 2: Carrie vs. Saw. (Though it should be noted that in lieu of blood, 300 utilized digital globs of diluted road tar.) To make it a fair fight, Mike enlisted the help of battle veterans Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. 3 against the 300! This…is…RIFFTRAX! - The Bourne IdentityE40
The Bourne IdentityImagine waking up in an unfamiliar place, unable to recall where you live, what you're doing there, or even your own name. Now imagine for the first time in your life it wasn't a direct result of your downing eleven pints of Guinness and then agreeing to do a Lemon Drop shooter with Jimmy T., Spleef, and Hondo the night before at Durty Nelly's. Now imagine that you began to discover you had mysterious talents -- talents that didn't involve the ability to stand next to the open refrigerator door in your underpants and drink a half gallon of Minute Maid Pulp Free directly from the pitcher without stopping for air. Now imagine you are Matt Damon. Why, the mere thought of it is to stare into a bottomless well of agony. Yet Matt Damon awakes to that fresh horror every morning of his life (the horror of discovering that he remains Matt Damon, not all that stuff about his memory. That happens to his character in that one movie – what's it called? – The Bourne Identity. My memory's not so good.) Anyway, the point is that Bourne Identity is a pulse-pounding thriller that goes from the exotic…um, somethings of somewhere to the even more exotic – look, it's tough to recall all the little things, I'm just a little fuzzy today. Suffice it to say that Bourne Identity makes for a terrific RiffTrax – and the fact that Mike is joined by Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett, well, that's just -- what do you call it, that brown runny stuff – gravy! - Independence DayE41
Independence DayIn every single one of the 900 million aliens-come-to-earth movies that had come before it the aliens were malevolent, bent on man's destruction, but Independence Day changed all that. Yes, the alien's were once again malevolent, but this time Judd Hirsch was in the movie! Never before had this even been dreamt of, putting Judd Hirsch in a film. It was a brazen move, one almost as stunning as casting Bill Pullman as the president of the United States as opposed to taking the obvious path and casting him as a guy at a Rapid Oil Change who says, "Ahead. Little more. Little more. Okay, stop." And never before in screen history had a person named "Vivica" done anything let alone attempt to act credibly in a movie role. Not only that, Independence Day dares to feature one of the most ineffective inspirational speeches since those delivered in a bunker in Berlin in late April 1945. For ID4, Mike is joined by both Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, so in the words of Captain Jimmy Wilder, Kick the tires and light the fires!* *If it wouldn't be too much trouble. And we'd like to thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation in our tire kicking, fire lighting scheme.** **RiffTrax is to be held blameless for any damaged tires, bruised tarsals or burnt property as a result of any tire kicking or fire lighting engaged in by the customer. - HeroesE42
HeroesImagine, just imagine, if ordinary citizens suddenly began to discover that they have acquired extraordinary powers. Why, you would have X-Men. But imagine if instead of acquiring X-Men-like powers of healing, time travel, mind control and the ability to fly these people instead had those powers but weren't X-Men! Why, then you'd have the very un-X-Men-like Heroes! Follow the exploits of Claire, Hiro, Peter, Logan, Scott Summers, and Jean Grey as they struggle to come to grips with powers that are so obviously not modeled after X-Men. Join Mike as he discovers his extraordinary power to riff on Heroes. Contains Episodes 1 and 2 of Season 1. - Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the SithE43
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the SithThe Sith is back, and this time he has come to make ponderous speeches to the gathered Senate and kick tail – and he's all out of ponderous speeches to the gathered Senate! Ian McDiarmid steals the show as the Supreme Chancellor Palpatine (not to be confused with the heart medication of the same name. Palpatine is not for everyone. Ask your doctor if Palpatine might be right for you.) He inhabits the character showing astonishing range: now fey and annoying, now wrinkled and laughable. As to the rest of the cast – it's the darndest thing, but I can't recall that there was anyone else even in the movie. There was a Darth Vader costume, I believe, but that was filled by a wax statue and manipulated digitally to remove any possible chance that it would be interesting in any way. And there was something called a Ewan McGregor, but further research shows that to be a technical term used by the key grip for a kind of light stand. Oh, and Natalie Portman was in it, kind of. Mike is joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy on the RiffTrax for this, the Sithiest film ever made! - Raiders of the Lost ArkE44
Raiders of the Lost ArkThe ark is lost! Who will raid it?! Clearly, there is only one man for the job: but since Ben Gazzara is unavailable, Indiana Jones will go in his stead and accomplish the needed raiding. That the shoot will take place in Tunesia where the traditional fig liquor "bokha" is readily available to cast and crew alike simply means that the raiding will get off to a particularly rousing start. Along the way Nazis will be punched (stupid Nazis probably deserved it), submarines be will clung to, and staffs of Ra will be cut to the wrong size, the error discovered and finally the correct size staff of Ra fabricated! Yes, the original blockbuster finally gets the RiffTrax treatment. Raiding with Mike are Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. To quote the soundtrack, "Da da da-da, da da-da! Da da da-da, da da DA DA DAAAH!" - Spider-ManE45
Spider-ManWhen Peter Parker is bitten by one of Columbia University's many genetically engineered "super spiders" (now we know what they do with their 6 billion dollar endowment) instead of doing the sensible thing and dying, he transmogrifies into an arachnid, extruding fluids from his spinnerets, leaping about, swinging and twirling just like a spider. But being a spider naturally puts him on the bad side of Norman Osborn, the charismatic head of OsCorp Industries who manages to find enough time in his day to moonlight as an evil goblin (played by real life evil goblin Willem Dafoe.) He also finds it difficult to manage his relationship with the beautiful Mary Jane, because, well, he's a freakish wer-spider. His exoskeleton alone makes it literally impossible for him to come out of his shell until it's time to molt – and at that point he's too vulnerable for a relationship. It all makes for the most thrilling arthropod-on-human love and adventure tale ever told in the year 2002! Joining Mike are Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett and several harvestmen that live in the corners of the studio. (Yes, we know that harvestmen are not spiders. And, no, theirs is not the most poisonous venom in the world – that's just a myth.) - NextE46
NextNext, the thrilling story of a down-on-his luck magician (Nicholas Cage) who hitches a ride to Flagstaff! Not only that, he walks down into the Grand Canyon and shows a kid a rock! And can your heart stand the excitement when he gives a car to Peter Falk!? The fact that he can see two minutes into the future is just frosting on the ride-hitching, rock-showing, car-giving cake of non-stop thrills! Jessica Biel co-stars as a woman who spends one day with Nicholas Cage and rather than doing the sensible thing and running away, moving without leaving a forwarding address, and getting an unlisted phone number, actually falls in love with him! (Note: she also appears onscreen wearing no pants. This is in no way meant to encourage you to buy the RiffTrax by appealing to your prurient interests, we merely wish for our customers to make fully informed decisions where JESSICA BIEL WEARING PANTIES AND A SKIMPY SHIRT is concerned!) Joining Mike is Bridget Nelson, a Mystery Science Theater 3000 alumni (and Mikes' wife!) That's NEXT! - Missile to the MoonE47
Missile to the MoonThe title says it all: a missile goes to the moon! Only there are people in the missile so it's not really a missile but should more precisely be referred to as a "rocket"! Still, it goes to the moon, so the title is 50 percent right, which is more than you can say for, oh, Magnolia, which is not about magnolias at all, but rather is largely comprised of Tom Cruise talking about his junk. Not only does Missile to the Moon offer a title that is half true, it also delivers a thrilling 50's era tale filled with chunk headed scientists, shapely pageant winners, and a spider that's roughly as menacing as one of the lesser Baldwin brothers. But the real star of this RiffTrax is comedy legend Fred Willard! Yes, the funniest man in America joins Mike as they take on the classic Missile to the Moon. - TransformersE48
TransformersThe toys you got free in your happy meal explode across the screen as the loosening of FCC regulations on marketing directly to children is now a major motion picture! And the now grown-up targets of that marketing once again obeyed their overlords, turning Transformers into the loudest hit of the year! Shia LaBeouf (from the German meaning "diffident steak") stars alongside Megan Fox, who certainly lives up to her name (she looks like a Megan)! Optimus Prime (which the Feds just raised by a quarter point) battles the evil Decepticons led by the eviler Megatron for control of the Allspark, which is possibly the silliest thing ever conceived by man. It's the most fun you'll have watching toys, at least until Mr. Potato Head: The Motion Picture hits the theaters (Jack Black is in talks to star). Mike, Kevin and Bill endure the lashings of Michael Bay in a must-have RiffTrax! - Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's StoneE49
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's StoneThe most profitable bespectacled Potter since Henry F. and Sherman T. combined, tales of Harry's indoctrination into Satan's dark and unholy arts have delighted dozens of children the world over. And this, the first movie of the series, ably helmed by Chris Columbus (Monkeybone, Christmas with the Kranks, Jingle All the Way, Bicentennial Man, Mrs. Doubtfire, Nine Months, Gremlins 2: The New Batch) captures all the wonder, magic, and reckless child endangerment, thanks in no small part to the scene chewing of some of Britain's hammiest actors. Starring Daniel Radcliffe, years before he gave everyone a good long look at his Nimbus 2000, Emma Watson and some kid who makes Ron Howard look swarthy, Harry Potter and the Something of Something Else is the most fun you'll have giving J.K. Rowling yet more of your money this year! Mike, Kevin and Bill Dumbledore their way through a Hagrid of laughs in this, the Hogwartiest of all RiffTrax! (We have no idea what any of that means!) - Star Wars Holiday SpecialE50
Star Wars Holiday SpecialHave a Happy Life Day! And nothing kicks off a memorable Life Day quite so much as watching the legendary Star Wars Holiday Special receive a fully deserved Rifftrax treatment! Yes, all your favorite Wookies are here: there's Chewbacca, Malla, Itchy, Lumpy and Art Carney. Tony Award Winner and Oscar nominated Diahann Carroll as a singing holographic prostitute who services Grandpa Itchy. And Bea Arthur stretches her talent by playing a woman. Not only that, there are commercials from 1978 that will come close to convincing you that "1978" is fairly synonymous with "Hell". "But, Rifftrax," you say, "Rifftrax, please - The Star Wars Holiday Special is not commercially available. How am I supposed to watch this?!" Well, we assume you taped it off the TV back in 1978 using your 130 pound top loading Panasonic NV-9300 U-Matic VCR, just like we did. If not, what were you thinking? Stop right now and GO Out and Get Looking for onE. Because we taped ours off of the television set, and our NV-9300 doesn't have an "edit" function printed on one of its dozens of plastic piano key-style switches, we just left the commercials in there. (We're sure the International Ladies Garment Workers Union won't mind.) So ours is two hours long and has a descriptive scroll on the front end, just like the one you can Get frOm yOur friend Greg, in LakE VIDEO, Illinois. (Don't look it up, they don't like to draw attention to themselves in Lake Video.) Bill, Mike, and Kevin make this the itchiest, lumpiest Life Day of them all! Original film made in 1978. - Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver SurferE51
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver SurferThe Fantastic Four are back! Or the Fantastic Four is back! Depending upon whether one is referring to the title of the film, the four individuals who are fantastic and number four, or the group of four fantastic people who use that title! The point is, they're back! And this time, unlike the first, there's a surfer made out of silver and he rises! It's fantastic! And if you're a fan of repulsive, waxy-faced Australian Prime Minister's sons as ineffectual villains, then you're in clover, because this film is packed with them (well, it has one, total). But FF:ROTSS has much more going for it. The fact that we can't think of a single thing does not in the least bit undermine our claim that it has a lot more going for it, because it does. Have a LOT more going for it. SO BUY OR RENT IT TODAY! IT'S FANTASTIC TIMES FOUR (rising of silver surfer included with every purchase).* *You might want to buy the RiffTrax that Mike, Kevin and Bill made to accompany the film because to watch it sans RiffTrax is to commit an act of monstrous, suicidal recklessness. - Plan 9 From Outer Space (Three Riffer Edition)E52
Plan 9 From Outer Space (Three Riffer Edition)There have been many, many Plan 9s all throughout history, some of them more successful than others, all of them terrestrial - it took a man with the vision of Ed Wood to show us the very real horrors of a Plan 9 from Outer Space! Starring Dudley Manlove as an alien who looks as though he regularly dishes out generous helpings of Manlove, and a giant sack of animate suet called Tor Johnson as inspector Dan Clay, Plan 9 lays out a bold tale of aliens who come to earth and yell at us in a shrill and undignified manner. This is the new, vastly improved Plan 9 that brought down the house as a live show at the historic Castro theater in San Francisco. Mike, Kevin and Bill at long last take on the legendary Ed Wood classic in a new, soon to be classic Rifftrax. - Batman and RobinE53
Batman and RobinCrossroads. Battlefield Earth. A Visit to Santa. As if the RiffTrax audience hasn’t suffered enough, we put to them the extraordinarily challenge of writing us a script for what is universally considered to be the source of all evil and suffering in the world, Batman & Robin. Incredibly, they accepted. (We intentionally mumbled the words “Batman & Robin” every time we brought it up and it seems to have worked.) Yes, Chris Hanel and James Whistler of Riff Raff Theater bravely spearheaded this COMPLETELY FAN WRITTEN RIFFTRAX! Mike, Kevin and Bill merely act out the gags, jokes, Arnold impressions, and most of all, the bitter contempt, all written by you, the fans. (Assuming you are both a fan and a participant. If not please amend and/or disregard.) Hear the crew kick some serious ice in this, the first ever fan-written Rifftrax! Original film made in 1997. - Jurassic ParkE54
Jurassic ParkEvery quarter century or so a project comes along that so perfectly unites artist and medium that one can only stand in wonder and proclaim, "Wow, Sandra, when was the last time something this magical came along - quarter century or so, wasn't it?" So it was with Michelangelo and marble; Paderewsky and piano; And so it is with this RiffTrax, uniting THE legendary dinosaur movie of our time and THE weirdest "Weird Al" Yankovic of our time into one harmonic convergence of RiffTastic Jurassic WeirdAlistic bliss! RiffTrax would like to say, timidly and with all humility, YOU MUST GET THIS RIFFTRAX! IT'S WEIRD AL, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! YOU CAN FIND COPIES OF JURASSIC PARK ON BUS SEATS! Mike and Weird Al join forces on the most colossally funny RiffTrax yet! *As with all RiffTrax, this was tailored to be age appropriate to the movie itself. That is, we feel confident saying that if you're old enough to enjoy Jurassic Park, you're old enough to enjoy this RiffTrax. Original film made in 1993. - The Matrix ReloadedE55
The Matrix ReloadedLike a previously worn diaper, The Matrix has been Reloaded! All your favorite characters are back wearing all your favorite unlaundered fetish costumes! See Trinity leap - A LOT! See Morpheus fold his hands and talk - a lot A LOT! Thrill as the Oracle and Neo have long drawn-out conversations to the effect of, "Yea, but if you know that what you know is unknowable, how can you know that what you don't know isn't unknowable, too, you know?" And this without them having consumed half a pan of magic brownies while sitting in front of an Alf marathon! But more than anything else, Matrix Reloaded is loaded and loaded again (see diaper reference, above) with NIST Certified Assloads of Agent Smith! Hugo Weaving brings his mouthful of Busey-esque, Chicklet-y teeth to this Neo-punching, "Mr. Anderson"-saying role. Kevin, Mike and Bill re-load the RiffTrax recording studio for another go at the most Whoa-eriffic movie franchise ever! - BeowulfE56
BeowulfFor years we at RiffTrax have lived under the mistaken belief that we are Beowulf. So we were shocked when a cartoon version of Ray Winstone squeezed into a tiny pair of leather battle panties (LBPs) and set us straight in no uncertain terms. And he's right - HE. IS. BEOWULF!! Though it took some getting used to the idea that we are not Beowulf, in all honesty it's been a whole lot more pleasant to come into the office and see pants where one once saw nothing but a sea of LBPs. But if you haven't yet exceeded your limit, may we suggest you download our hilarious new RiffTrax for Beowulf in which a fully clothed Mike, Kevin and Bill take on our less than clothed hero, his extremely unclothed lizardy paramour (played with big boobs gusto by Digi-lina Jolie), and a disappointingly unclothed Anthony Hopkins. IT! IS! FUNNY!!! - Spider-Man 3E57
Spider-Man 3The biggest Spiderman movie of 2007 is now the biggest Spiderman-based Rifftrax of 2008*! All your favorite characters return (Hoffman, Mr. Ditkovich, Ursula) and new favorites join in the fun (Crane Operator, Emergency Room Doctor, Kid in Central Park)! And joining Mike is writer/newspaperman/radio guy/blogger extraordinaire/podcaster/best-selling author and uber-fan of the Spiderman series James Lileks! Just what will his reaction be when he sees what they've done to his beautiful series? Will he freak out and begin hitting Mike with a folding chair? Yes, he did, but we edited that out of this ArachnaRiffic Rifftrax and left only the funny! *Unless we do Spiderman 2. - CloverfieldE58
Cloverfield"What if a monster attacked a city?" This is the shockingly novel concept behind the viral marketing triumph of the year! Filled with "fresh"* performances and "authentic"** cinematography, Cloverfield masterfully takes a page from The Blair Witch Project, reworking the "snotty 20-somethings endure trauma while repeatedly saying 'dude'" genre into something unique while still being very much the same. Look for star turns by That Girl Who Was in Mean Girls and That One Dude Who Played Eric in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Mike, Kevin and Bill's RiffTrax was found by the Department of Defense (and then thrown away, but we dug it out of a garbage can.) *Not very good. **Not good at all. - I Am LegendE59
I Am LegendLet's not get into the contentious issue of exactly who is Legend. R&B singer John Legend thinks he is Legend; the Tom Cruise movie Legend think it is Legend; "I Am" thinks it's Legend; and Matthew McConaughey is as certain that he is Legend as he is that his butt looks awesome in bike shorts. (RiffTrax remains neutral, of course, but if RiffTrax was forced to comment, we'd say that Brian Bosworth is Legend.) No matter, the movie making the claim that it is Legend makes a strong case, bringing a pretty slick PowerPoint presentation featuring lots of shirtless Will Smith, a dog that can act, and plenty of slim-hipped digital zombies. Confronted with it all, Mike, Bill and Kevin slip into their own panic room and unseal a number 10 can of low-sodium whoop-ass (in heavy syrup.) - The Lord of the Rings: The Two TowersE60
The Lord of the Rings: The Two TowersThe epic story of tiny men doing very important things continues.* In this multi-hour installment the two very different towers come into sharp focus. You see, whereas one tower is the domain of a once great but now evil sorcerer who rules over an army of orcs and is bent on destroying man and taking possession of the One Ring, the other tower is the domain of a once great but now evil sorcerer who rules over an army of orcs and is bent on destroying man and taking possession of the One Ring, but - BUT - his name begins with an "S", and also contains the letters "a", "u", "r", "n", whereas the other tower guy's name begins with an "S", contains the letters "a", "u", "r", and "n" HAS NO "m" AND ADDS AN "o"! And the differences don't end there: one of the guy's names is seven letters whereas the other has six! Mike, Kevin, and Bill strap on the wizard's hats, snap into some fortifying lembas and head on the down the road that goes ever on and on... *"The hobbits' quest to destroy the cursed ring" not "Martin Short, Michael J. Fox and Danny DeVito's performances in 'Mars Attacks'". - The Sixth SenseE61
The Sixth SenseM. Night Shalalalalalalalalalala-tee-da burst onto the scene with the biggest suspense thriller of 1999 (well, right behind a relatively short list of films that includes Analyze This, Wild Wild West and Varsity Blues.) Haley Joel Osment delivers the most miraculous performance ever given by a toddler (he was just 18 months old when he was nominated for the Oscar!) and Bruce "The Return of Bruno" Willis turns in yet another trademark performance as a guy who seems sort of tired and annoyed. When a guy in his underpants shoots a child psychiatrist (who, to be clear, was also wearing underpants, he just happened to have pants on over them) his life is turned upside down (the guy wearing pants over his underpants, that is, not the guy only wearing underpants.) Why does his wife seem withdrawn and narcoleptic? Why do the local children taunt him and call him "Casper"? Why does he seem tired, run down, just sort of dead? Watch along with Mike, Kevin and Bill as they unlock the most unlockablest secrets of "The Sixth Sense".* *This is the 1999 film, not the 1972 TV show starring Gary Collins. Gary Collins apologizes for the confusion. - Harry Potter and the Chamber of SecretsE62
Harry Potter and the Chamber of SecretsHarry Potter is back with the second installment in the franchise that is worth more than the Tolkien, Roddenberry and Herge estates combined! Part Two lays the groundwork for the stunning revelation that shook the series: that the guy who plays Ron absolutely, 100% cannot act. I mean, that performance? What the hell was that? Every scene he's in looks like someone from Are You Being Served forced at gunpoint to mug at a level that would make the cast of Police Academy blush. If they were to spin Ronald McDonald's friend Grimace off into a series titled The Grimace Hour it would have less grimacing per hour than Ron in Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets (approximate number of hours in movie: five.) Watch Ron pull one face after another as he teams up with Harry, Hermione, Hagrid, and Hagar the Horrible to outwit an army of spiders, battle a giant lizard, and encounter an emo-chick who lives in a toilet. And what would a Harry Potter movie be without Quidditch? Answer: Better. Mike, Kevin, Bill and their respective self-mutilating house elves are here to riff until the Secret of the titular Chamber is revealed! - MementoE63
MementoFor most of us, the experience of waking up in a strange motel room, alone and disoriented, means that you were the victim of Chinese Organ Thieves. Inconvenient, sure, but kidneys are replaceable.* And how often does it really happen?** For Leonard Shelby, however, this scenario was just another part of his daily routine. You see, Leonard suffers from a rare form of amnesia, usually only found in protagonists in works of fiction. Unable to form any new memories, Leonard stumbles around Southern California, vowing after every meal that he will never eat a McDonald's Filet-O-Fish again. To be fair, he does have a slightly more pressing agenda than eating pre-formed patties of vague seafood: the attack that rendered him an amnesiac also resulted in the death of his wife. Through an intricate system of tattoos and notes to himself, he hopes to one day track down the killer and after making him beg for mercy, ask them who they are, why he has this gun and if they know directions to the nearest McDonalds. Also, at one point in time during the movie, a peripheral character muses that Leonard’s condition must be like living your life backwards. Despite this being a barely coherent thought muttered by a bearded motel attendant, it's evidently license enough to tell you the entire story in reverse, making this Mike, Kevin and Bill's first ever xarTffiR! *Just talk to the delivery guy from the Chinese food place down the street **Every time you order from that Chinese food place - Ocean's ElevenE64
Ocean's ElevenTake Ocean's Thirteen, pare down its cast to a trim Ocean's Twelve, then take away one more and you've got Ocean's Eleven, the swingingest, hippest, don't-they-look-like-they're-having-fun movie since Cannonball Run II! And though it was long ago mathematically proven that Mike is the least hip person who has ever lived or will ever live, he was able to up his swank quotient considerably by enlisting the talents of Las Vegas lounge singer extraordinaire, Guest Riffer Richard Cheese! Nelson's Two takes on Ocean’s Eleven and its viva lots of laughs, baby! (Ow, it physically hurt to type that.) - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black PearlE65
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black PearlThe most adorable pirates you've ever seen take to the high seas to do battle with an army of walking skeletons to see who is thinner. With a team consisting of Keira Knightley, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom they can't possibly lose! Geoffrey Rush gives it his all -- that is he does his best impression of the pirate mascot standing outside the Long John Silver's at a strip mall in Oakbrook, Illinois, and respected actor Jonathan Pryce as the girlish British governor risks being stripped of the descriptive "respected". Mike, Kevin and Bill strap on the cutlasses and swing away! - Iron ManE66
Iron ManIn the tradition of I, Robot comes I, Ronman, the story of a shy college student who is bitten by a radioactive guy named Ron. Our hero's DNA is transformed, his body taking on the attributes of Ron until - hang on. Apparently we got that wrong and there's nothing remotely that cool going on here. It's Iron Man and from what we're told it's just a guy in a metal suit. Kind of looks like a Transformer. Fights another guy who looks like a Transformer. And you get to see Gwyneth Paltrow's back. And it's directed by the guy who did Zathura. Not only that, it made a gajillion dollars, no doubt because people got confused and thought they were seeing I, Ronman. But Mike, Kevin and Bill put aside their collective disappointment over it not being I, Ronman and give it the most iron fortified RiffTrax yet! - The HappeningE67
The HappeningThe Happening is a departure for director M. Night Shyamalan: he abandons his trademark conceit of the twist ending to tell a straight-forward tale of horror. It's like going to a Gallagher show where he refuses to smash watermelons with a giant mallet. The only difference is that Gallagher's comedy is grim and depressing and The Happening is hilarious. Yes, the plants of the Northeastern United States are fed up with how we've been treating them and decide to simultaneously release a toxin that causes humanity to commit suicide in various comical ways. Evidently this is something that is entirely scientifically valid, because a hot-dog obsessed lunatic says so at one point in time during the movie. Mark Wahlberg baffles as a Lemon Drink-eyeing science teacher and the part of Zooey Deschanel is ably played by a Tarsier. Mike, Kevin and Bill lend intentionally funny riffs to this masterpiece of unintentional comedy. (Unless there's some sort of real-life Happening, in which case they pre-emptively announce their allegiance to the plants.) - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal SkullE68
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal SkullThe most beloved franchise in film history returns to the screen and quickly becomes one generally well-liked franchise among many in film history! Yes, Indy is back, and this time he has a skull. And he has Shia "Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd" LaBeouf's infectious logorrhea! And as promised, the filmmakers gave in to the forceful and ceaseless cries of "GIVE US MORE RAY WINSTONE!"* Mike, Bill and Kevin took their own skulls into the studio to create a RiffTrax for the ages! *Experts concede that demand for Ray Winstone may have been overstated. In fact, the cries have been traced back to one guy, Bill Tillerstot of Port Washington, Wisconsin, and his actual quote was "Give us NO Ray Winstone." - X-2: X-Men UnitedE69
X-2: X-Men UnitedAll your favorite X-people return as Magneto, Cerebro, Pyro, Columbo, Tonto, Pinocchio, and Jell-O do battle to determine who can look more ludicrous. Everyone wins! And because these are officially the silliest roles ever created we are lucky to have British and Australian actors stepping in to do the jobs Americans won't do. Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen sink their teeth into their performances as though they were big helpings of spotted dick, and Huge Ackman scowls constantly like some sort of small angry mammal. As far as plot, this is essentially Angels in America with silly hats. Mike, Kevin and Bill form their own justice league to give this movie what for! - The Incredible Hulk: The Final RoundE70
The Incredible Hulk: The Final RoundThe story of the Hulk is a complex one but we can know a few things for sure: Hulk smash and... well, that's about it. The Ed Norton version doesn't add much new information (Hulk smash, we already knew that), nor did Ang Lee's (Hulk bore.) In order to get the full picture we must revisit the beloved late 70's TV version, specifically the episode "The Final Round" (Season 1, Disc 2, Episode 3 for those Netflixing), in which we learn that Hulk befriend untalented boxer who literally dumber than half-full bag of hammers. Oh, and, Hulk smash in slow motion. Mike, Kevin and Bill riff! - The Dark KnightE71
The Dark KnightIf you can spare a minute, think back on the greatest work of cinema that you have ever seen. Did you think about The Dark Knight? No? Then you are a moron. Because while you were out doing whatever it is morons do...demolition derbies or...croquet, (we wouldn't know, we loved The Dark Knight), The Dark Knight pimp-slapped Andy Dufresne, spat in the Godfather's face and gave Charles Foster Kane a big ol' wedgie on its way to becoming the greatest movie of all time. All this in spite of the bat suit causing our hero to grumble like the offspring of Tom Waits and Cookie Monster. There is nothing at all silly about that. We here at RiffTrax regret even having to point out that he sounds like your Great Aunt Vivian sending you out for her third pack of Pall Malls of the day. Because The Dark Knight is not just a superhero movie. It's a gritty crime drama about political corruption and the choices men make that just happens to involve a superhero. A superhero millionaire that dresses as a bat whose voice sounds like your cat heaving up a hairball into your slippers who battles a guy with half a face named Two-Face. Despite all this, Mike, Kevin and Bill are ready to take on...(reverent pause)...The Greatest Movie of All Time.* * Source: The Internet - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of AzkabanE72
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of AzkabanSummer is over—time to get back to evil school with Harry, Hermione, Ron, Sirius Black, Mrs. McGonagall, Filch, Splat, Wang, Timothy Q. Diaperhat, Professor Waddle Von Funkenskull, The Right Reverend Boo Smoothandle, Dr. and Mrs. Walrus V. Chowderboot and all the rest! This time around (the 6th, if we're not mistaken) Harry must battle an ancient curse and the desire to play Quidditch for three quarters of the film. Ron, in the meantime, discovers that his face is capable of hideous contortions as yet unexplored, Dumbledore awakes to find that he's gained a good deal of weight, and respected actress Emma Thompson sets out to prove that the respect is wholly misplaced. Thankfully, this movie has been certified 100 percent Dobby-free! Mike, Kevin and Bill wave their wands at the screen—and the result is magiclarious!* *We think that means magic and hilarious, but our research team is still working on it. - Star Wars Episode IV: A New HopeE73
Star Wars Episode IV: A New HopeA long time ago in a galaxy far, far away (Marin County, to be exact) George Lucas sparked up his favorite bong, kicked back in a bean bag chair and several gurgles later came up with the idea that would become the greatest movie of all time.* The story should be familiar to everyone: a moisture farmer leaves his beloved moisture farm (after a terrible moisture stampede), flies to the planet of Mos Def and eventually rescues a princess from the clutches of the evil Moff and destroys the horribly named Death Star. Who knew that the humble moisture farmer's name would soon be on the lips of kids the world over: yes, Biggs Darklighter, hero of the rebellion. (Or was it Jek Porkins—we forget?) - Reefer Madness (Three Riffer Edition)E74
Reefer Madness (Three Riffer Edition)Now that marijuana (aka "reefer", "bud", "stick", "whoopie doopie", "happy grass", "tingle weed", "Abe Lincoln", "the halt", "muffin", "chew", "altoid", "the Fonz", "little Ricky", "sleestack", "chumba wumba", "red dynamite", "the oaf", "fat man", "little boy", "Richard Milhouse Nixon", "Area 51") has been eliminated as a scourge, it's interesting to go back and look at the film that was almost singlehandedly responsible for its demise. Yes, Reefer Madness let the world know that even a single dose of marijuana (aka "whip scorpion", "Batman", "Holyfield vs. Lewis", "the Kremlin", "babelfish", "Mason Reese", "chowhound", "slab bacon") caused insane laughter, enhanced skill at ragtime piano, the inability to avoid hitting old men with your car, and defenestration. Mike, Kevin and Bill light up...THE STUDIO to take on Reefer Madness. Original film made in 1936. - Little Shop of Horrors (Three Riffer Edition)E75
Little Shop of Horrors (Three Riffer Edition)Fans of shops of horrors will love this nostalgic look back, before the days of the massive chain stores, and big box horror shops. In the old days, horror shopkeepers gave you the personal touch; they knew your name, asked about your kids, were always ready with a smile... before killing you, chopping you up and feeding you to their monstrous plant. Little Shop features a powerhouse performance -- as the diminutive nerd Seymour Krelboin -- by diminutive nerd Jonathan Haze, and as always, the sumptuous cinematography, lavish production values and white knuckle pacing that are the hallmark of director Roger Corman. Kevin, Mike, and Bill invite you to come inside their little shop of RiffTrax and have a look around. Original film made in 1960. - House on Haunted Hill (Three Riffer Edition)E76
House on Haunted Hill (Three Riffer Edition)Long before lunatic millionaires Michael Jackson, Richard Branson or Rick Rockwell, there was Frederic Loren (Vincent Price), an eccentric, unhappily married fop who offers a huge cash prize to anyone who can stay overnight in the house on Haunted Hill (the house, by sheer coincidence having nothing whatsoever to do with its location on a haunted hill, is haunted). The guests have to contend with hauntings, a sparsely stocked bar, and a huge cistern filled to brimming with flesh dissolving acid (the previous owner evidently tired of hauling his excess flesh to commercial flesh dissolving operations.) The film's many twists and turns will keep you guessing! (How many twists and turns? Well, say, two twists and maybe one turn, if you want to be generous about it.) Mike, Bill and Kevin take up his offer, pack their Star Wars sleeping bags and spend a wild night in the House on Haunted Hill. - Night of the Living Dead (Three Riffer Edition)E77
Night of the Living Dead (Three Riffer Edition)Imagine being holed up in a filthy dilapidated building, surrounded by pale-faced hollow-eyed creatures, unable to call for help, while before your eyes zombie-like beings commit the most unspeakable acts. Yes, a night of performance art at your local coffee house is something to be endured. But then so is a Night of the Living Dead! Shocking at the time for its graphic portrayal of the titular living dead feasting on pieces of the dead dead without even a hint of table manners or personal hygiene, what is most startling to modern sensibilities is the performance of the guy in the white pants who looks like Joaquin Phoenix. He manages to actually be worse than Joaquin Phoenix! And if you're a fan of inexplicably hostile, growling men then you have hit the jackpot (you may even throw away your laserdisc collection of the films of Robert Loggia!). Mike, Kevin and Bill spend the better of a night with the Night of the Living Dead. - Missile to the Moon (Three Riffer Edition)E78
Missile to the Moon (Three Riffer Edition)More than a decade before Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and The Other Guy actually landed on the moon, Missile to the Moon made giant leaps for both man AND mankind with its daring portrayal of how the first lunar voyage might play out. It turned out to have gotten a lot of the details right. Except that instead of a meticulously planned journey that took NASA countless man hours to achieve, the impromptu trip of Missile to the Moon takes place on a crazy old man's whim, and four of the five participants wander aboard the ship by accident. Also, where Missile to the Moon portrayed the moon as a dynamic backdrop for intrigue, love, betrayal, and deception, when our guys got to the moon, they sort of just looked around for a while, hit a golf ball or two, then got the hell back to Earth to try and catch Carson. And the real moon also turned out not to be crawling with beauty queens, giant spiders and hideous rock men. Just dust. - JawsE79
JawsJust speak the word "jaws" to anyone and their pulse quickens, the hair on the back of their neck stands up as a dim memory rises to the surface of their consciousness - a memory of the first time they saw Murray Hamilton. Most likely it was in an episode of B.J. and the Bear, or perhaps The F.B.I with Efrem Zimbalist, Jr., but if not that, then his turn as the sartorially resplendent, gravelly voiced mayor of Amity in Jaws, the movie that made a generation of people afraid to go into the water (they were justifiably terrified of getting a skin disease from coming in contact with Quint's run-off.) Yes, long before blockbusters like Spider-Man 2, Shrek the Third, or Garden State there was Jaws, the story of small town mayor Larry Vaughn (played by the magnificent Murray Hamilton) and his quest to find the perfect jacket to wear while resisting the whining of Richard Dreyfuss. There is also a shark. Mike, Bill and Kevin cruise the movie like a large squalus grabbing it with their powerful—oh, what's the word for it...mandibles - then, a little shakin', a little tenderizin', and down it goes. - Carnival of Souls (Three Riffer Edition)E80
Carnival of Souls (Three Riffer Edition)Most carnival going experiences follow roughly the same pattern: some trouble-maker suggests it and, due to alcohol use or lack of personal will power, you ignore the alarm claxon blaring in your head and hop in the car. Six hours later you stumble through the exit smelling of sweat, rancid corn dog oil, cigarette smoke and vomit, roach clips in your hair, breathing in the mercury-laden fumes of a huge Chinese-made stuffed giraffe and praying for your own death. The Carnival of Souls is a lot like that, only with the addition of organ music! Yes, this is Herk "Shake Hands with Danger" Harvey's timeless classic about a mouth breathing church organist who drives to Utah in order to have coffee with a greasy warehouse worker. Mike, Bill and Kevin load into the car, their pockets jingling with fresh souls and spend a few hours at the carnival! - Swing Parade (Three Riffer Edition)E81
Swing Parade (Three Riffer Edition)As the old song goes, "I love a parade." However, this was undoubtedly spoken by someone under torture or extreme mental duress. Parades for most people evoke memories of the many raised welts, received at the hands of the crazed, hard candy-throwing Shriners tooling around on their infernally loud 2-cycle-powered magic carpets (man, they were sadistic!) These were almost always accompanied by Sousa, performed badly by teenagers in large fur hats (good Sousa is trying enough). And then there's the clowns. For the love of all that is good and holy, the clowns! A mind-splitting terror beyond anything cooked up by the foulest demons of Gehenna, clowns!! Luckily, there are no clowns in Swing Parade—there are Stooges! With clowns, all is darkness and torment. With Stooges, all is goodness, bliss, and the occasional scratched cornea. And man, does this parade swing! Mike, Kevin and Bill really bring the riffs, daddy! Original film made in 1946. - Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes BackE82
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes BackYour favorite sand-phobic, midichlorian-rich super villain is back! And this time his capes are even more fabulous, his thigh-high Uggs resplendent like never before, and his burnt chicken head cloaked in the shiniest plastic helmet yet! And if that wasn't enough, Mike, Kevin and Bill are pleased to be joined by Darth Vader's bellicose but lovable brother Chad! Yes, the movie that gave us one of cinema's most startling revelations, and perhaps the most memorable silver screen quote ever ("I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me") gets the RiffTrax treatment. Lots of laughs. Lots of Chad Vader. And no pod racing. - TwilightE83
TwilightRiffTrax was caught up in the Twilight frenzy, and not surprisingly, given that we are staffed almost exclusively by 13 year-old girls. So when we heard rumors of the feature film—the whispers of John Goodman being cast as Edward were especially worrying—we sent so many texts beginning "OMG!!!1!!!!11!!" we nearly shut down our SMS service. At the movie's premiere we were there among the throngs, shrieking with girlish glee when Robert Pattinson got out of his limo (it turns out we had mistakenly gone to the premiere of The Changeling and were actually shrieking for John Malkovich, but the point still stands.) And when it was finally released on DVD we ruined our first three copies by hugging them too much. But we've overcome these obstacles to give you the best RiffTrax for a sparkly-emo-vampire film that we know how to make, and we say with as much humility as we can muster, that's a pretty darn good sparkly-emo-vampire RiffTrax! Turn off that Ashley Tisdale download, tell the clerk at Hot Topic you'll buy that hoodie later, and cozy up with Mike, Kevin and Bill for the mopiest RiffTrax ever! - Planet of DinosaursE84
Planet of DinosaursWhen a spaceship full of hairy people crashes on an unknown planet, it's not enough that the surviving members look a lot like the Starland Vocal Band (it is a help, of course, but not sufficient for their survival). They must forge off on a non-stop mission of wandering around doing nothing in particular, not saying anything particularly noteworthy, and not looking particularly attractive or interesting. However, they do provide a tasty and nutritious snack for some pretty sweet looking stop-motion dinosaurs! Their routine deaths become a challenge to their intrepid captain, who prefers to rule by whining, equivocation and frequent "rest periods." This leaves him vulnerable to a coup by the crew's most hirsute member, Jim, who presses the enormous advantage provided him by what looks like a beard made out of 2-dollar-a-yard fun fur. Kevin, Bill and Mike sharpen some sticks, put on their least smelly animal furs and prepare to poke at the Planet of Dinosaurs. Original film made in 1977. - CasablancaE85
CasablancaOne of the things we like to do here at RiffTrax (during those rare moments when we're not absorbed by our frequent, mandatory company-wide Schnappi sing-alongs) is to challenge ourselves. Sure, it's easy enough to make hay out of a bear-suited Nicholas Cage, but what really tests one's mettle is to see how he reacts when he's staring down the business end of THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE. Yes, our respect and admiration for Casablanca is unbounded, but if our motto—We Don't Make Movies, We Make Them Funny—is to have any meaning at all then it must be tested by fire. So we offer you this, our first in a series of RiffTrax Challenges, where we step outside our comfort zone (our comfort zone, by the way, is a large rumpus room here at RiffTrax Towers, with lots of bean bag chairs, thick shag carpet and a huge supply of Cheddar 'n' Bacon Easy Cheese) for our equivalent of a corporate "team-building" exercise. (We tried the more traditional rafting expedition but lost half our staff. We think it was at a Mobil Station in Bakersfield, CA.) Will Mike, Kevin and Bill triumph? Merely survive? Suffer a huge smackdown by an angry, gargantuan Sidney Greenstreet? Join us for our first ever RiffTrax Challenge to find out! - Voodoo ManE86
Voodoo ManYou asked for more voodoo—and we deliver, with a RiffTrax exclusive*, Voodoo Man. Young women are vanishing somewhere on the road that leads to the creepy old house of a deranged bachelor (Bela Lugosi) and his two lonely assistants. Remarkably, no one thinks to question the deranged bachelor and his two lonely assistants, so the disappearances just keep stacking up. Until one day when the blandest man alive ("Ralph", appropriately enough) uses his remarkable ability to run out of gas at just the right time and discovers their plot. The highlight for most people will be the most shameful performance of John Carradine's career as a thin, mincing idiot, and the most shameful performance of George Zucco's career (they must have had a bet going) as a voodoo priest/gas station clerk. Mike, Kevin and Bill return to the loving (and needle tracked) arms of Bela Lugosi as Voodoo Man. Original film made in 1944. - The RoomE87
The RoomThe typical reaction to an encounter with The Room looks something like this: puzzlement, revulsion, laughter, amazement, hunger, affection, deep depression, inability to digest milk proteins, and ultimately, an unbreakable addiction. Yes, this is the film you've probably only heard rumors about, a truly jaw-droppingly weird melodrama written, starring, produced, financed, endlessly promoted by (most famously by a high profile billboard in Los Angeles for five years), and featuring the hideous naked backside of Tommy Wiseau, the world's shaggiest and most mysterious auteur. The Room's plot seems mundane: a banker looks forward to his marriage unaware that his fiancé is cheating on him with his best friend. But beneath this quotidian veneer lurk peculiar treasures that almost literally defy description. Quite simply, you must see this. Though this film is hard to come by your efforts to secure it will be richly rewarded. Mike, Kevin and Bill are honored to be able to join you for your first viewing of The Room. - Red DawnE88
Red DawnThe year was 1984. While the fascistic regime foretold by Orwell had not yet come to power the nation had been brought to its knees, the victim of repeated playings of Karma Chameleon and Sister Christian. The country needed something to believe in, something besides aerobics or Emmanuel Lewis' winning the People's Choice Award. And so they came, a ragtag group of heroes in a beat-up pickup, complete with a beat-up gun rack: Jed, Aardvark, Daryl, Arturo and their brave, though prone-to-sniveling compatriot Robert (played by the prone-to-sniveling C. Thomas Howell.) The dawn may have been a red one, but they would make sure that when the sun set, it would be red... white and blue! Joining Mike for this very special RiffTrax is Joel McHale, the Daryl to Mike's Arturo, or perhaps the Jed to his Aardvark, or maybe the Aardvark to his Daryl. The point is, it is the perfect partnership with which to assail the enemies of freedom, i.e., the makers of Red Dawn! - Fast and FuriousE89
Fast and FuriousDid you like the 2001 sleeper hit The Fast and The Furious, but are you really not a fan of definite articles? Then 2009's Fast & Furious is the movie for you! After the twin triumphs of The Pacifier and Babylon A.D., Vin Diesel has finally reunited with his co-star from The Fast and The Furious: a several-sizes-too-small wife-beater! Also returning is the other guy from The Fast and The Furious (legal name: The Other Guy From The Fast and The Furious), shocking those of us who were pretty confident that he was the guy that had helped us try on shoes the other day at Famous Footwear. When his girlfriend is murdered, Vin Diesel is forced to return to the US where he is wanted for...well that isn't really made clear. But before he even has a chance to mumble something unintelligible in a really deep voice under his breath, he finds himself in the race of his life! Seriously, the races often feel like they have lasted for the duration of a human lifetime. But at least in between the interminable driving scenes we're treated to a rich, nuanced film tapestry, featuring the very finest in Stock Characters spouting refined Screenplay Clichés. If your idea of a good time is watching the Angry Chief say "Talk to me", you're in for quite a thrill ride (just make sure to "lock and load.") Mike, Kevin and Bill hopped into the sidecar for Fast & Furious, but were concerned by the lack of seatbelts for all three of them so they instead observed it from a reasonable distance. - The Matrix: RevolutionsE90
The Matrix: RevolutionsIf you're like most of us, you stormed out of your midnight viewing of The Matrix Reloaded saying to yourself, "Man, was that terrible! When I come back in six months to see The Matrix Revolutions, they had better balance out those ponderous scenes of two characters quietly discussing the minutiae of the plot with a lot more tedious action sequences where I can't tell what is going on. And instead of involving Neo, Morpheus and Trinity, you know, the characters we care about, it should mainly focus on people we've never seen before. Like a whiny kid and a butch chick with a crew cut. Give them prominent roles! Now hurry up and refill my Dew, I already bought tickets to see this again at 2:35 AM!" If your conversation mirrored ours in any way, then you're in luck: The Matrix Revolutions delivers on all bullet points! Abandoning all the pseudo-philosophical mumbo-jumbo that for a brief window had desperate college professors teaching lectures on the original movie, Revolutions instead dials the THX up to 11 and hopes you don't notice because your eardrums are too busy rupturing. Your enjoyment also depends heavily on understanding the plot of Reloaded, which was mathematically proven to be impossible in a Harvard study. And to top it off, there's a healthy dose of old-fashioned, ham-fisted blasphemy thrown in for good measure. Mike, Kevin and Bill jack in to deliver The Matrix series a hearty goodbye "whoa." - Dragon Wars: D-WarE91
Dragon Wars: D-WarWhen we heard that Korean studio Younggu-Art Movies was making a picture called Dragon Wars, we were both excited and disgusted at the same time. Excited because we have had many conversations about which Korean movie studio would direct our "dream" dragon movie, and the name Younggu-Art Movies just kept coming up. But we were also disgusted, because the movie title failed to provide its own abbreviation as part of the title. This is a major gripe that we have with just about every single movie that has ever come out: Abbreviations of a movie's title should always be included as part of the title. In today's busy web 2.0 world, who has time to refer to anything by its whole name? However, we run into trouble when movies don't specify how we should abbreviate their titles, and competing, non-standard abbreviations are adopted. Fortunately, our disgust was misguided, as Dragon Wars bucks the trend and includes its own abbreviation in the title: D-War. A true abbreviation, where Dragon becomes D and Wars becomes War, Dragon Wars: D-War provides the consumer with something so sorely missing from movie titles today: Choice. So whether you choose to experience the fantastical creatures and hi-octane action sequences of Dragon Wars, or prefer the ancient story of a love that knows no bounds of D-War, you must know one thing: this D-movie D-bites D-hard. Mike, Kevin and Bill decided to D-riff Dragon Wars: D-War, because a fan in attendance at our 2009 Comic-Con panel suggested it. The moral of the story? Don't do that. Original film made in 2007. - Transformers: Revenge of the FallenE92
Transformers: Revenge of the FallenAt its heart, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a love story. A love story between two dogs, Mojo and Frankie, who are shown humping several times in the first fifteen minutes of the movie*. Stunningly, this remains a highlight over the next two hours of movie. We don't see much of the dogs after their owner, Shia LaBeouf, leaves for college, but we found our thoughts frequently drifting back to them as the human characters dropped their pants, ran into things, and stammered incoherently. Who was feeding the dogs? Were they getting along with the other dogs at the dog park? How was Frankie adapting to the new diet the vet had put him on back in June? Sadly, these questions go unanswered. In fact, any question you may have regarding Transformers will go unanswered, because Transformers movies are not in the business of answering your questions. Transformers movies are like the street corner rantings of a tinfoil hat wearing lunatic. You don't expect that guy to actually stop and explain to you what he meant by "The IRS built Yellowstone National Park on the same evening 180 years ago that the Lizard People shot down Sputnik with a rifle made from Avogadro's Number!" You just slink past him and try to wash the spittle off of your jacket when you get home. The same applies for Transformers. Don't you dare ask it "How did these characters whose names I don't know get to this location and what is their purpose once they get there and who is punching who right now?" Just lie back and think of the dogs. Focus on the dogs...Always on the dogs... The tinfoil hat guy gave Mike, Kevin and Bill's riffing of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen two thumbs up, a rating he had previously only given to a shopping cart wheel that he believed influenced the 2004 presidential election. *This is not a joke - TitanicE93
TitanicOn the cold, starry night of April 14, 1912, in the iceberg-infested waters of the frigid North Atlantic, a shocking and utterly disturbing event occurred. We’re referring, of course, to the sullying of a beautiful 1912 Renault limousine by Jack Dawson and Rose Bukater. Yes, the film Titanic is less about the epic tragedy of the same name, and more about one of the most unlikely, unbelievable, and shortest on-screen romances of all time. She’s a gal from the upper echelons of society. He’s a guy from steerage. The ship’s crew would never let him roam the upper-class decks to meet her, let alone caress her lovingly at the front of the ship. And yet it happens, and we are the worse for it… The original 5 hour version screened in test markets was a resounding failure. In that cut, Rose makes some room on the floating door, and Jack survives to marry her. Then we are treated to an over-hour-long epilogue in which they live together for many years in squalor and complete poverty, Jack scribbling cartoons for low-end skin magazines while wearing a grease-stained wife-beater, and Rose yelling at Jack that he should get a real job, lamenting the loss of her fortunes, and thinking she would have been better off at the bottom of the Atlantic after all. Mike, Kevin and Bill hop aboard to bring you their most Titanic riff yet! Oh, and may we add: Rose, Rose! Jack, Jack! Rose, this way! Jack, this way! Jack! Jack! Rose! Rose! Jack!!! - Star TrekE94
Star TrekLike the odometer on your 1984 Plymouth Reliant rolling back over to zero, the Star Trek series gets a reset! The previous thirty-eight films had barely begun to scratch the surface of these fascinating characters, and so Star Trek is back to answer all your burning questions: What’s Scotty’s favorite brand of bacon? Why does no one seize the moment and slap the hell out of Chekov? Why does Uhura jam that huge piece of machined steel into her ear? Was Spock’s mom younger than him, and which uncle taught him that nerve pinchy thing? A tour de force of shameless retconning, Star Trek nevertheless introduces a bold new sci-fi innovation: time travel! And black holes! And characters meeting themselves! And ice planets! And evil nemeses who vow revenge! And ship flybys! These are by themselves very compelling reasons to watch, but Star Trek gives you an even more compelling one—to learn Uhura’s first name. Sure, you never knew she didn’t have a first name, it was never an issue for you, and you haven’t even given it one millisecond’s thought, but at last you get to find out! (It’s Nyota, by the way.) Mike, Kevin and Bill self-consciously tug down their red Federation uniform tops and go boldly into Star Trek! Original film made in 2009. - ManiacE95
ManiacUnless you regularly do mushrooms and go to Lady Gaga concerts with your good friend Crispin Glover, then watching Maniac is guaranteed to be the weirdest experience you have ever had. (Not since The Room has a film had such a deep impact on the staff of RiffTrax, so much so that the images in Maniac temporarily dislodged from our minds the mercurial Tommy Wiseau, the stark horror of Chris-R., even the enchanting beauty of Lisa!) Maniac starts conventionally enough, when a Vaudeville-impersonator-turned-lab-assistant-to-a-mad-scientist refuses his bosses reasonable request that he shoot himself in the heart and offer his corpse as an experimental subject. After that, it starts to get strange. A disturbed patient who thinks he is the orangutan from Poe's The Murders in the Rue Morgue is mistakenly given super-adrenaline (which evidently exists) causing him to give one of the most eccentric performances in the history of film. Meanwhile, the mad scientist's next door neighbor is disturbed because one his cats is missing from his cat ranch, where he harvests their fur after feeding their flesh to the rats (which he feeds to the next generation of cats, and so on.) After that, the offbeat aspects of Maniac really kick in. We caution you that Maniac is not for the faint of heart. There is brief, partial, creepy, music-free, 1930's nudity (mercifully, the emphasis is on "brief"), plenty of cat-on-cat violence, and a scene in which our hero pops out the eyeball of his own lab cat and snacks on it. That said, it's probably tamer than any given episode of Top Chef and you would really be depriving yourself of something special if you let that keep you from this very, very unique and hilarious journey, with Mike, Bill and Kevin as your guides, into the heart of RiffTrax madness known as Maniac. - Drag Me to HellE96
Drag Me to HellTired of horror clichés like empty parking garages, gypsy curses, and séances gone wrong? Drag Me To Hell sure isn’t! Wide-eyed ingénue Alison Lohman (featured in…some other films, presumably) navigates the heady politics of a small bank branch while voluntarily maintaining a relationship with Justin Long (Mac Guy , “funny person”). Yes, with a life like that, a refreshing trip to Hell is just what the doctor ordered! Fortunately, condemnation is easy as pie—an oozing, eyeball-filled pie that director Sam Raimi will throw in your face! Because stuff like that is hilarious. Or maybe scary? Or probably neither. But back to the Hell-dragging: it turns out gypsies are not the most reasonable people, and will sentence you to eternal suffering for any minor infraction. Refuse to extend my credit? Drag you to Hell! Cut me off on the freeway? Hope you like dry heat! Politely suggest that Evening Shade** wasn’t the greatest television show ever produced? Let me introduce you to your new roommate, Adolf “always leaves the seat up” Hitler! Join Mike and Bill on this sentimental excursion down Hell Lane (Kevin dodged the bullet on this one thanks to an unassailable “no Justin Long” clause in his contract—well played, sir). Just watch out for falling anvils and, really, just copious amounts of eyeball splatter. ** All of our research suggests that Evening Shade is universally beloved in gypsy circles. This will never be confirmed nor denied, as gypsies don’t use the internet. - Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the JediE97
Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the JediReturn of the Jedi. For sixteen years, it was widely regarded as the worst chapter in the Star Wars saga. We now look back upon this period of time, appalled and embarrassed at how naive we were. For while Return of the Jedi may be slow to get started, while it may delay the final confrontation between Luke and Vader in favor of an endless Ewok/Stormtrooper battle, while it may feature C3PO as its main character for the first twenty minutes and while it may have killed off Salacious Crumb instead of making him the focus of the entire movie, consider this: nobody utters the line "Yippee". Return of the Jedi begins where The Empire Strikes Back left off: with George Lucas deciding which scenes to ruin by inserting a musical number by a hideous creature named Sy Snootles, who sounds like Disembaudio did before he took singing lessons. The dance scene is vital to the plot: how were we, the audience members supposed to know whether or not Jedi rocked, unless there was a song included in the movie named "Jedi Rocks"? Yes, the song is sung in a foreign tongue and the only way you'd know it was called "Jedi Rocks" was if you bought the soundtrack, but ignoring those irrelevant points, we can finally conclude after watching six episodes of Star Wars, a task that would take up well over half of one day of your life, that Jedi do in fact, Rock. Fans of puppets, Hutts and metal bikinis: your ship has come in. Cancel your weekend trip to the Great Pit of Carkoon, boil up a big bowl of Tatooine paddy frogs and call up your buddy Nien Numb to come sit next to you even though you don't speak the same language: we're finally riffing Return of the Jedi. As this is the final chapter in the Star Wars saga for RiffTrax to tackle, Mike, Kevin and Bill would like to take the time to reminisce about their favorite moments in the series. Here they are in order: The time Jar Jar became a senator and the time Stinky the Hutt was kidnapped. Thank you and good night. - Terminator SalvationE98
Terminator SalvationTerminator Salvation is the thrilling story of the journey of a once valuable franchise. When the intellectual property rights lapse after a disappointing third movie, they're snatched up at well below their estimated market value by a wacky mismatched duo of producers. The petulant star they bring on board demands to play a role that wasn't actually in the script, massive rewrites ensue, and the novice director is forced to fall back on the skills he honed directing Sugar Ray music videos. Will the franchise rise to the occasion, renewing our enthusiasm for its once beloved characters? Or will the resulting film be a cynical, calculated exercise in maximizing profitability with little regard for story or coherency? Terminator Salvation firmly casts its lot with the latter. Christian Bale, apparently unaware that The Dark Knight had wrapped shooting, alternates between his raspiest "Harrison Ford in Firewall" whisper and barking like a mandrill/harbor seal hybrid. Fortunately, the movie turns out to not really be about him. It's actually about the guy from Avatar, the guy who played the new Chekov and a mute eight year old girl. Thrill as the resistance discovers the secret weapon that could save mankind: a specific radio frequency! Bonus points if you can identify which scene Christian Bale was taking so seriously that he unleashed the most humiliating caught-on-camera rant since Hall of Famer George Brett discussed soiling his pants. Google it. As a result of having to endure repeated viewings of Terminator Salvation, Mike, Kevin and Bill are all done professionally with each other. - Paranormal ActivityE99
Paranormal ActivityParanormal Activity succeeds by putting the viewer in the most deviously terrifying position ever imagined by a filmmaker: captive audience to an idiot's home movie. It recreates the experience of being stuck in a room with Micah (pronounced MEEK-uh, or DOOSH-bag), the kind of guy you immediately want to start punching and never stop punching until the punching is done. The kind of guy who spends his free time at the mall, conspicuously checking out 16-year olds while chatting loudly on his Bluetooth headset about hair gels. In short, Micah is a super sweet dude. In a hard-to-swallow supernatural twist, Micah has somehow acquired a live-in girlfriend, Katie. In any other film she would stand out as a shrill, unlikeable person, but in the twisted world ofParanormal Activity she is borderline tolerable. Katie carries some baggage, namely some sort of ghost, or demon, or...well it's not really clear. Whatever it is, it's up to no good, pulling off masterful scares such as moving keys off the counter, and gradually shifting a door while Micah and Katie sleep. By the way, get used to watching Micah and Katie sleep, because that's pretty much the whole movie. Oh, and one time they go outside and Katie sits in a chair. Strap in for terror, or at least a steady, crushing, existential dread, as Mike, Kevin, and Bill go up against the film equivalent of sitting next to a talkative moron on a 6-hour flight: Paranormal Activity. - Twilight: New MoonE100
Twilight: New MoonTwi-Hard. A once proud word that has been shockingly cheapened by over-use. It used to mean something. These days, any given twelve year old girl with Team Edward wallpaper on her iPhone can be the star of a "Vampire Fever" cover story photo in USA Today. It's not right. Just because some soccer mom blows two months of grocery funds on an elaborate face tattoo replicating the iconic "Cullen baseball" scene, that DOES NOT make her a real Twi-Hard, okay? It's something you earn. It's something you live. Forgive our emotion on this issue, but it's just that Mike, Kevin, and Bill are probably the biggest Twilight fans on the planet. Just survey Kristen Stewart's file of restraining order requests, and see which names pop up the most (Stephenie Meyer's file is alarmingly similar). So it should surprise no one that these three sparkly warriors trekked to the theater dozens upon dozens of times to feast upon the sweet succulent cinematic nectar that is New Moon. After the fourteenth viewing, the girl at the ticket counter was unable to make eye contact with them, muttering something about "grown men" under her breath. The pimply popcorn vendor filled his friends' inboxes with texts like "OMG third time today," while the theater janitor constantly fought the urge to beat them with his mop. In a word: epic. But the shame they endured, along with the suffering of their long-neglected wives and children, is your gain. Thanks to these endless, obsessive, life-destroying viewings, Mike, Kevin, and Bill are able to present this RiffTrax of New Moon on the eve of its DVD release. Let's just hope that, now that the ride is over, they can put their lives back together once and for all (they're not making any more of these movies, right?). - AvatarE101
AvatarBy now, everyone knows the story of how Avatar single-handedly changed moviemaking forever. Its visionary director (whose name escapes us, you know the one, he's that guy who didn't win an Oscar this year) proved that progressive films can succeed in today's marketplace. As long as progressive means "completely unoriginal and devoid of depth" and the high praise heaped upon the work is entirely based upon it being nice to look at. In this sense, Megan Fox is a progressive actress, and The Hills was the most important television show of the last 10 years. It is truly a bold, experimental piece of work, keeping in mind that crystal meth and fat substitute Olestra (which brought the phrase "anal leakage" into our lexicon) were also the results of experimentation. For those of you who haven't seen it (*cricket cricket*), Avatar is the story of just how pretty a jungle planet can look in 3D, and maybe there are some people fighting in it or whatever. It's also a great refresher on some of your favorite 90s action movie dialogue clichés. Mike, Kevin, and Bill implore you to "GO GO GO!" and "MOVE MOVE MOVE!" lest you be "s*** out dead without warning" before enjoying Avatar! - Harry Potter and the Goblet of FireE102
Harry Potter and the Goblet of FireWidely considered to be one of the five or six best Harry Potter movies, Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire is a breath of fresh air for a series that desperately needed one. Casting aside the familiar tropes of the first three movies in favor of bold new innovations such as Quidditch, a sinister new faculty member and dragons, The Goblet of Fire leaves the viewer wanting more! And then continues for another hour and a half... We welcome aboard dynamic new characters such as Viktor Krum, who has a line or two; Fleur Delacour, who the books made seem a lot hotter; and Madame Maxime, who engages in a romance with Hagrid. One has to imagine blackmail, a bar bet, or a fetish so vile we dare not speak its name played a major role in that one. Will Harry enter the prestigious Triwizard Cup tournament? Let's just get this out of the way: yes, of course he will. Will he win, let alone survive it? Again: yes. Will a student actually die, justifying all the jokes we've made about this series over the years? And if so, will that student be portrayed by a previously unknown actor who went on to become one of the most universally loathed characters in one of the most universally loathed series of the past three decades? We're not telling! (but you may just want to keep some champagne on ice.) Tuck into some moldy bread and stinking salmon with Mike, Kevin and Bill as they cast their name into the Goblet of Fire, attempt to win the Triwizard Cup and get busted trying to sneak some Clash of the Titans collectors glasses out of Burger King. - The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the KingE103
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the KingOne of the hardest things to do with a popular series is to give it the conclusion it deserves. Some of the greatest entertainment phenomenons of our time, be it The Sopranos, Lost or Hi Honey, I'm Home! have failed to give fans the closure that they, as uninvolved spectators watching at home for free, feel they are entitled to. The Lord of The Rings series, on the other hand has mastered the art of delivering a satisfying conclusion. And The Return of The King does it so well, in fact, that it decides to end seven or eight times. The final chapter of one of the most beloved trilogies of all time finds our characters picking up where they left off. Frodo and Sam continue onwards towards Mt. Doom, despite Frodo increasingly appearing to Sam as a walking roast turkey. Aragorn faces down one of lifes toughest questions: whether to embrace his true destiny, or to combine three flavors of Combos into one bag and lay on the couch with his shirt off eating them. Gimli and Legolas have started an organic dog biscuit bakery in Vermont. And Mushmouth is futilely trying to convince the gang to make him the Buck Buck breaker instead of Fat Albert. All the while, the fearsome Eye of Sauron is observing their movements in a style that can best be described as "pretty funny when you really think about it." There's also drunken table dancing, Elven poetry and a spider proboscis that you would best be served to never think about if you're ever considering venturing into the outdoors again. The journey through Cirith Ungol is never an easy one, so it's best to join up with Mike, Kevin and Bill, who have their very own Light of Earendil*, tin of pipeweed**, and satchel of Lembas Bread*** *Can of Raid **Big League Chew ***Bag of combos with three different flavors of Combos combined in it - The Boy in the Plastic BubbleE104
The Boy in the Plastic BubbleThe past decade has not been kind to John Travolta. It began with Battlefield Earth, and ended with the movies about the middle-aged guys on motorcycles (Wild Hogs), the middle-aged adoptive fathers (Old Dogs), the middle-aged guy who found valuable dancing shoes (Gold Clogs), the middle-aged children's book author who runs at a medium pace (Roald Jogs), and the middle-aged guys who flip milk caps in a meat storage locker (Cold Pogs). It may seem like Travolta has gotten a raw deal from movie-going audiences. Despite the fact that he hasn't had a hit in a long time, believes some crazy things about Thetans, and is starting to resemble the batty aunt you've never seen wear anything but a muumuu, you still feel like maybe the guys deserves a fairer shake than he's gotten. Then you revisit The Boy in the Plastic Bubble and remember that, no, he in fact doesn't. His shorts alone in the 1976 made for TV movie render him undeserving of our sympathy til the end of time. Travolta plays Todd Lubitch, a boy who was born without any immunities and cannot venture outside his sterile environment, lest he slip on a banana peel and end up on America's Funniest Home Videos. He observes the girl next door's every move through his binoculars, and she responds how all females would in this situation: be finding this cute and falling in love with him. Along the way, we meet up with supporting characters Mr. Brady, a hybrid of William Katt/Ian Ziering, and an unaging doctor. The whole thing is set to a theme by noted orangutan dresser-upper Paul Williams, who makes modern day singers like Bon Iver seem like raging barrels of pure testosterone. Mike, Kevin & Bill insist that you please leave them alone in their one room shack in the country, so they can riff The Boy in the Plastic Bubble to their hearts content. - High School MusicalE105
High School MusicalMuch like a scandalous private photo of a semi-famous teenage girl (what? just an example), High School Musical mysteriously showed up in the RiffTrax mailbox one day. And now we thank Efron, the ancient god of non-threatening gender ambiguity, that it did. We’d been searching for a movie that would finally address the issue of cliques in high school, something you never see in a high school film (unless you’ve seen any high school film). - Clash of the TitansE106
Clash of the TitansRELEASE THE RIFFTRAX!! Yes, all too often a movie is reduced to a silly one-liner, a ridiculous catchphrase. This is a sad and unfair practice, demeaning to films with creative integrity and purpose. Fortunately, Clash of the Titans has neither! Upon viewing it, Sean Connery went out of his way to say “You are NOT the man now, dog!” When invited to a screening, Harrison Ford frantically searched for an excuse, finally issuing a panicked “I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!” When a friend asked Admiral Ackbar to come along and see Inception again, Ackbar suspected he was being tricked into watching this movie instead and said...well, you know what he said. Our old Avatar friend Sam Worthington is along for the ride, maintaining his policy of only acting in front of green screens. Also, his policy of not actually acting. Also, his policy of letting his Australian accent slip through frequently, regardless of the role. Also, his policy of being a big charmless slack-jawed meathead. Also, his policy of general turdiness. Anyway, we’re big Sam Worthington fans around here. Mike, Kevin, and Bill can’t help but think this movie would have been improved by a star from L.A. Law and a goofy mechanical owl. - The Last AirbenderE107
The Last AirbenderA lot of bad things have come “from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan,” but we feel it’s safe to say that this one came straight from his colon. What is there to say about The Last Airbender that isn’t already said by its Rotten Tomatoes rating of 6%? A whole lot, as it turns out. It’s becoming apparent that the true genius of M. Night is finding a way to make the wrong creative decision at any given moment. Dialogue, casting, music cues, every choice in the film suggests that the once-acclaimed director has given up Alfred Hitchcock as his inspiration, and replaced him with a certain T. Wiseau. And, frankly, we couldn’t be happier. But, Mr. Shyamalan: we worked with Tommy Wiseau, we know Tommy Wiseau, and you, sir, are no Tommy Wiseau. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Last Airbender, the most disappointing adaptation of a beloved franchise since Mario Brothers 3: Luigi Buys Some Eggs. - Twilight: EclipseE108
Twilight: EclipseEvery now and then a sequel comes along that is arguably superior to the original film. The Godfather II. The Empire Strikes Back. 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. But the makers of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse cleverly avoided such comparisons by just making the exact same movie a third time. You want a slack-jawed girl who can’t choose between some squinty, mopey fellows? We got it! You want a red-headed vampire lady running around causing some sort of unspecified trouble? We got it! You want a consistent mythology, or a story that builds tension and develops in any way over the course of three films? We got...uh...hey look, werewolf nipples! All our favorites are back: Moustache Dad, Harpo, the Volvo. And really, why should anything change? If you like Big Macs, and you order a Big Mac, you want the Big Mac to taste just like every other Big Mac you’ve ever had. And if you keep eating Big Macs all the time you’ll wind up alone, unloved, with a colon that would make even Louie Anderson’s doctor say “Dear God, you’ve let yourself go.” Just like the Twilight franchise! So settle in, get a warm plate of muffins, and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse! - Santa and the Ice Cream BunnyE109
Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny"Man's Greatest Achievement." This was the entirety of the note we wrote down in the official RiffTrax screening room log book for Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny. If "Man's Greatest Achievement" doesn't do it for you, then perhaps the actual tagline from the Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny movie poster will: "What a Story!" You will have to ignore, of course, that Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny barely contains a story, let alone a coherent thought. But you'll be willing to let this pass, since it does contain pigs, gorilla suits, paper mache birds, soiled Santa costumes, child endangerment and, of course, an Ice Cream Bunny. What is an Ice Cream Bunny? We're not quite sure, and the movie doesn't really bother to explain. Evidently he has a fire truck with an air raid siren, and lives at a place called Pirates World. We also know that we are strongly in favor of ceding all power to it and letting it enact whatever foul agenda it desires, just as long as it lets us take a ride through Pirates World in that sweet, sweet fire truck. It's one of the strangest and most baffling pieces of outsider art that Mike, Kevin and Bill have ever riffed, and we were only 65% kidding about that "Man's Greatest Achievement" thing. Please join us in experiencing: Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny. Original film made in 1972. - InceptionE110
InceptionThe ending of Christopher Nolan’s Oscar-nominated Inception left audiences with several burning, thought-provoking questions, chief among them being “When did Tom Berenger become a giant piece of boiled meat?” The film does a lot to support Mr. Nolan’s title of ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY THE GREATEST DIRECTOR OF ALL TIME ZOMG I AM SWEATY (source: Ain’t It Cool News). Who other than a true genius would think to put crucial lines of exposition in the mouth of an actor with a Japanese accent so thick he’s nigh-impossible to understand? Why, anyone who questioned the elaborate dream-logic of this film would have to be an idiot or a racist, but probably both!! (source: IMDb comment threads) Yes, Inception is a shoo-in for the Best Picture Oscar and it will be a travesty if it doesn’t win, according to a bunch of people on the internet who haven’t actually seen any of the other nominated films but are really hoping to get around to it, maybe after they watch their Blu-Rays of The A-Team a third time. Mike, Kevin, and Bill spent so much time watching Inception that they’re now permanently stuck in fourteenth-level dream limbo! (or maybe it was just another whiskey bender...either way we need a hose and a mop) - Harry Potter and the Order of the PhoenixE111
Harry Potter and the Order of the PhoenixIt’s Order of the Phoenix time and the entire gang is back! Harry, Ron, Hermione, Old Weird Harold, Beezus, Ramona, Moomintroll, Peppermint Patty, Churchy LaFemme, Handsome Pete, Kimmy Gibler, Trevor Ochmonek, Chris-R, Sawyer, CCH Pounder, The Fat Kid from “The Sandlot”, Snoopy’s brother Spike, Gobbler, Muffy the Mouse, Minkus, Van Go Lion, Two Bad, Fin Fang Foom, Ugly Naked Guy, Clamps, Yaddle, Carl Winslow, Strong Sad, Mr. Digger, Funky Kong, Error, U-God, Flute Cop, Lester Freamon, The green sumo wrestler thing from the Commodore 64 version of “Bruce Lee”, Dr. Robotnik, Earl Sinclair, Cedric Diggory...Wait, scratch that last one... Yes, in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the series continues its descent into the dark, twisted real world problems that the wizards face. Namely, the addition of an irritating wizard named Tonks to the cast of characters. Hogwarts is taken over by the Ministry of Magic, who installs a puppet regime in the form of Dolores Umbridge. Because if there’s one thing kids love in their fantasy novels, it’s ham-fisted satire of totalitarian regimes! Will Harry master occulmency? Will he describe his first kiss simply as “wet”? Will he severely overreact to the death of a character he had only really met a couple of times? Will Mike, Kevin and BIll imply that Dobby has taken up pimping as a way to earn extra cash? All these questions and more will be answered in the affirmative in this RiffTrax of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix! - BirdemicE112
BirdemicBirdemic: Shock and Terror is the story of a software salesman who founds his own solar energy company after cashing in his stock options. Where it differs from the countless other Hollywood tales of software salesmen who found their own solar energy companies after cashing in stock options is that occasionally birds attack and kill people. Strong emphasis on occasionally, mind you. For while a less assured director might insist “I paid 12 dollars for these bird animations, and they’re gonna be on-screen for every frame dammit!”, Birdemic director James Nguyen instead chooses to focus on his characters. They eat meals, go to pumpkin festivals, hang out with their families, have themselves a party and every now and then make millions, buy Ferraris and date Victoria’s Secret cover models. You know, typical stuff. The comic atmosphere is undercut, however, by the serious message Nguyen wants to impart onto the audience: the dangers of global warming. Trust us when we say that the only way that this sensitive issue could be handled more deftly is by anyone, anywhere, using any means. Birdemic: Shock and Terror is what you’d get if the Ice Cream Bunny starred in The Happening as directed by Tommy Wiseau. Mike, Kevin and Bill invite you to join them for this must-see RiffTrax. And do yourself a favor and experience it on Blu-Ray! - HighlanderE113
HighlanderAccording to legend, the screenplay for cult favorite Highlander appeared when a basement-dwelling metalhead kicked over his bong in a futile attempt to stand after consuming two “share size” bags of Combos and a tube of raw cookie dough. The bong water within, which was ancient and, indeed, nearly solid, spewed forth across the shag carpeting, musty since times of old. The mystic fluid soaked all in its path, including a half-completed “Society for Creative Anachronism” application, one WWF comic book, a cassette containing Queen’s greatest hits, and two or three Dragonlance novels. From the resultant mist, which did reek mightily of Mountain Dew, the film was born. And yea, the world spoke as one: “We won’t see this in theaters but we might check it out on VHS later, maybe.” Mike, Kevin, and Bill were dying to watch a movie about a mopey immortal cursed with loneliness since the women he loves age and die before his eyes. But then they found out there wasn’t a new Twilight movie yet, and instead took a big, hearty, Sean Connery-as-a-Spanish-Egyptian-infused hit of Highlander! - The Karate Kid Part IIIE114
The Karate Kid Part IIIIf you’re a normal, reasonable person, your knowledge of the Karate Kid franchise likely begins and ends with the following items: the phrase “Sweep the leg,” that awesome “You’re the best around” song, and the ironic Cobra Kai t-shirt you purchased online. But, lucky for you, we at RiffTrax are neither normal nor reasonable, and so we know that the richest, fattiest, saltiest meat of the series lies within Karate Kid III. Please, ignore everything you know about diminishing sequel quality, box office success, and critical acclaim, and just trust us on this one! One can only imagine the joy a 1980s lad might feel, settling into his theater seat to enjoy the third installment of the adventures of his film hero, Daniel-San. Never mind that Ralph Macchio is now pushing 30 and looks like maybe he’s been skipping some crane kick practices between movies, he’s ready for action! The action of bonsai store ownership! Spending all his time with a strange old man! And, most importantly of all, hounded by Terry Silver, a millionaire evil mastermind who devotes 100% of his resources to getting revenge on a teenage boy for the sake of a casual acquaintance! How does he wreak this vengeance, you and the wide-eyed young Karate Kid fan might ask? By pressuring him into signing a karate tournament application form, using all the proper and appropriate channels! Eyeball-popping stuff! How would Mike, Kevin, and Bill rate Karate Kid III? By growing evil 80s ponytails, cracking their knuckles, and mugging to the camera, “Perfect.” - Star Trek II: The Wrath of KhanE115
Star Trek II: The Wrath of KhanStar Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is commonly regarded as the most fun and exciting installment of the film franchise. This may well be true, especially given that the average Star Trek film is about as fun and exciting as a half-cup of plain yogurt. If you polled fans about what makes this particular film so thrilling, odds are they’d respond, “All the allusions to Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick!” (results may vary). Indeed, the original script contained even more quotes from that classic novel. Most notably, the moment when Kirk, in a fit of vengeful rage, leans back and roars to the heavens, “Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can.” VERY popular on t-shirts. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they dive into the great valley between Ricardo Montalban’s bulbous pectoral muscles for complete immersion in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan! - The Crater Lake MonsterE116
The Crater Lake MonsterAre you a giant, cheaply-made monster looking for a nice place to terrorize? Your search is over: Crater Lake is the spot for you! Get your limp rubbery body down here, you’ll be feasting on mustachioed creeps quicker than you can say “AaaUUurgghh, I’m a monster!!” This small, sleepy community has everything you’re looking for. A sheriff who will refuse to believe in you until it’s too late. Uptight scientists that DO believe in you, for the sheriff to ignore. A pair of drunken hicks to provide aimless, misguided comic relief, and also be ignored by the sheriff. All this, and random unlikable tourists for you to snack on along the way! Just avoid choking to death on all the hideous 1970s facial hair, and you’ll have the time of your life. Mike, Kevin, and Bill became the laughingstock of the scientific community for their fervent belief in The Crater Lake Monster. But they’ll show them, yes, soon they’ll show them all!! - The Devil's HandE117
The Devil's HandThere are some things in life that you’ll do without a second thought. Lend a friend a quarter. Help an elderly woman across the street. And if you’re like the lead character in The Devil’s Hand, join a satanic cult to sacrifice your fellow humans in the name of The Great Devil God Gamba. Yes, when he encounters the owner of a mysterious doll shop, Rick Turner turns his back on his friends and family to embrace a life of voodoo in the name of the author of all lies. But to his credit, there wasn’t anything good on TV that night. Once signing up for the cult, Rick is drawn into a sinister web of chanting and plodding drumbeats that make Meg White look like John Bonham. Will voodoo executions follow? They will! Will the victims relish the sweet embrace of death as a way to escape the incessant drumming? Probably! Should you immediately download this RiffTrax? The Great Devil God Gamba* commands** it! *Mike, Kevin & Bill **Humbly requests*** ***OK, tearful begging - X-Men: The Last StandE118
X-Men: The Last StandFor some reason, San Francisco has become the go-to location for hack directors to set their abysmal movies. The mere sight of the Golden Gate Bridge or Lombard Street are enough to trigger unpleasant memories of Tommy Wiseau's ass. And as if to prove that the city's unique charms were no fluke, James Ngyuen broke out the coat hangers and did him one better with Birdemic. But we venture to say that with X-Men:The Last Stand, director Brett Ratner has outdone both of those movies in terms of resources squandered and the resulting tonnage of raw suckitude. For while The Room gave us endless catchphrases, breast cancer scares and Chris-R, and Birdemic delighted us with Hangin' Out With My Family, bark beetles and solrpnls, X-Men 3 only offers up the ridiculous sight of Kelsey Grammer in bright blue fur as a means of easing the pain of cliché ridden dialogue, disinterested performances and Vinnie Jones. Mike, Kevin and Bill were extremely disappointed to learn that X-Men:The Last Stand even lies with its name, as the franchise continues to stand to this day, despite repeated requests at ever escalating volumes to please, PLEASE, in the name of all that is holy, take a seat! - The Galaxy InvaderE119
The Galaxy InvaderWhen a spaceship crash lands in a rural community, the locals flock to the scene. Well one local really, a kid who calls his former professor, who fields the call from his bed without a shirt on. Once he confirms that a UFO has actually been sighted on Earth, he springs into action, instructing his former student to sit by the side of the road for six hours, since it will take him a while to get there and he has some phone calls to make first. That’s when The Galaxy Invader really turns the thrills up to eleven! The brainchild of visionary* director Don Dohler, The Galaxy Invader chronicles the struggle faced by the alien when he lands in a new world and discovers that the inhabitants are hostile and fearful of those who are different. Mainly because he kills the first two people he meets and shows no remorse as he repeatedly kills again. Fortunately he’s landed in a hideous backwoods town full of rednecks where hygiene has been outlawed and the mayor has recently been impeached and a can of Skoal elected in his stead, so the deaths are chalked up to the ill effects of that durn book learnin’. Our hero is Joe Montague, a mean, unemployed drunk who threatens his family at gunpoint, slaps his children and enjoys compiling a list of differences between various translations of Dostoyevsky novels (one of those three things isn’t true.) Throughout the entire movie he also sports a costume sure to be the hottest Halloween costume this year: a filthy t-shirt with an enormous hole in the center of it. Our team of experts have yet to determine whether or not the actor portraying Joe even knew he was in a movie. It’s intergalactic cheese at its very ripest and Mike, Kevin and Bill are here to ensure that no moment of the invasion goes unriffed. Join them for: The Galaxy Invader! (In about six hours, they have some phone calls to make.) *possessing the capability to breathe - Abraxas: Guardian of the UniverseE120
Abraxas: Guardian of the UniverseOur new release Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe follows the heroic exploits of a galactic defender, played by Jesse Ventura, who comes to Earth to--wait, wait, that can’t be right. Jesse Ventura? The washed-up 80s wrestler known primarily for his feather boas and conspiracy theories? No, no way. Who would let THAT GUY guard a universe? Forget that, who would even let him guard some small part of the universe? Say, a state of the United States of America, a state with a population of roughly 5.3 million, perhaps located in the Midwest, with an area of 86,939 square miles, famous for its thousands of lakes? Totally implausible, the world just isn’t that silly. And yet, here he is, ready to stumble into action and visibly struggle when he speaks! It’s a Terminator-infringing wonderland of snow, words like Comator (or Colemader, or Cone-mater, depending on who happens to be saying it) and organic apple sales. And it features JIM BELUSHI AS AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PRINCIPAL. He’s there for some comic relief, in the sense that if someone has been stepping on your throat but then stops to step on your chest instead, it’s sort of a “relief”. According to Jim, but also Mike, Kevin, and Bill, it’s time to slap on a bald cap and rat-tail combo and take a ride in the Governor’s car to Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe! - ThorE121
ThorThor is the rare superhero movie that raises important questions. Namely, the important question “If Thor was considered the good superhero movie of 2011, just exactly how wretched must Green Lantern have been?” Yes, Thor, for all its critical acclaim, features not one, not two, but three distinct scenes of our hero being rendered unconscious for comedic effect all within five minutes of each other! (For the record, in order: Thor is tazed, injected and hit by a van. Rumor has it the Extended Cut features a scene where he is trampled by a hungry hippo.) No doubt this cartoonish buffoonery is the touch of acclaimed director Kenneth Branagh, whose intention for Thor seems to have been “Let’s bring out the Shakespearean elements of the comic book, but instead of soliloquies, we’ll have grunting, and instead of intrigue, more grunting.” Sadly, Branagh fails to deliver on the demands made by the most hardcore Thor fans, that he bring to the silver screen the short lived 1985 plot line where Loki turns Thor into a frog and he helps other frogs defeat some rats (this actually happened and you should look it up right now.) So you don’t get any frogs, but you do get fanservice, a thoroughly implausible love story and performance by Sir Anthony Hopkins that were it any more phoned in, would be conducted through two tin cans and a piece of string. Mike, Kevin and Bill needed a nice long Odinsleep once this one was over. - Laser MissionE122
Laser MissionSure, sure, we know what you’re thinking. “Laser Mission? What kind of a thing is that to make a movie about? Everybody’s been on a laser mission, heck I did three-and-a-half laser missions on my way to pick up some eggs this morning.” Just trust us when we tell you, this one is special. First: unlike lesser laser missions, Laser Mission features exactly 0 lasers, and exactly 1 Ernest Borgnine! Nothing says “action” like Borgnine! (No, really, he says the word “action” in a funny accent.) Second: if most laser missions were to include a theme song that repeats on a seemingly endless loop, that theme song would probably contain the words “laser” or “mission.” Not Laser Mission! No, instead you’ll be treated to “Mercenary Man”, a little ditty cooked up by David Knopfler (the junior Knopfler of Dire Straits), over, and over, and over again. And, in the role of the Mercenary Man, none other than Brandon Lee of The Crow fame! It just doesn’t get more laser-ish or mission-esque than this! Mike, Kevin, and Bill came to violence deciding who would get to use “Mercenary Man” as their personal ringtone, but they all agree you really oughtta check out Laser Mission!* *and before you do, it may be a good idea to watch this classic Ernest Borgnine interview clip, which just might come up, “a lot.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3I_PeLNzxNQ - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood PrinceE123
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood PrinceHarry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was released at an important moment in film history -- namely, the last moment when actor Rupert Grint (aka, Ron Weasley) could say “I will definitely be in two more films.” There is a version of this movie that’s about a prince who accidentally donated half his blood in a drive at work, and Harry Potter keeps chasing that guy and saying “Hey, you donated too much blood, come back here you dang Half-Blood Prince!” Unfortunately, that version exists only in the mind of a stoned guy who read the title and collapsed in such a giggle fit that it took three Best Buy employees to drag him out of the store. Mike, Kevin, and Bill put on their favorite “Dumbledore 4 Life” and “Albus will NEVER die” t-shirts for this one: please savor their exquisite heartbreak and join them for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince! - The Sons of Hercules: Land of DarknessE124
The Sons of Hercules: Land of DarknessEveryone knows Hercules (or Heracles, if you’re really fun to talk to at parties), the mighty Greek whose heroic exploits included cleaning up tons of horse crap. But not everyone knows his sons, who for some reason went by the name The Sons of Hercules! Yes, The Sons of Hercules, whose theme song informs us “were men as men could be.” What in the hell this might conceivably mean, we have no idea. Perhaps their Y chromosomes are bulked up monstrosities like Popeye. Or maybe it’s because, as the song goes on to inform us, “They shook the world AND took the world,” while the rest of us, failing to be as men as men could be, merely do one or the other depending on who’s playing in Monday Night Football. This particular episode centers around Argolese, a man whose ability to grow a respectable beard is severely hampered by his periwinkle mini-skirt. Argolese befriends a horrible man named Babar who, as a sidekick, ranks somewhere in between Jar Jar Binks and Shia LaBeouf’s character in Crystal Skull. Their lighthearted goal? Free a bunch of innocent people who have been horribly enslaved! Along the way they’ll wrestle a lion (real), fight a dragon (fake) and evade a hungry bear (we’re not sure. We’re leaning toward it being Nicholas Cage.) One thing is for certain: a sword and sandals tale this bizarre requires the full riffing efforts of Mike, Kevin and Bill, who, put together, come very close to being as men as men could be. - Warriors of the WastelandE125
Warriors of the WastelandThere’s an old saying that goes “Behind every successful movie, there’s a horrible Italian rip-off of it that uses three seconds of endless looped drumbeats as its soundtrack.” Never has this reliable chestnut been more true than in the case of Warriors of the Wasteland, which proudly acts as the mangy dog, devouring the table scraps that The Road Warrior turned up his nose at, opting instead to lick itself for nearly half an hour. Yes, once again the inhabitants of Earth have reduced our proud, McRib-consuming planet to a smoldering wasteland. You might assume nukes, or genetically altered chimps are the culprit. Wrong you are, (though if you’ve recently ate a McRib, you’ve likely consumed some of the latter.) This time around what did us in was -- Books! How did this happen? It of course is not explained. But it was books, you sure can count on that! So the Warriors of the Wasteland drive around in their admittedly sweet cars, sporting their admittedly heinous hairstyles, kinda resenting books and occasionally massacring an outpost of survivors. If you can suspend disbelief for just one moment, hear this: there’s a heroic lone wolf who attempts to enforce justice on these criminals (we know, it’s a groundbreaking path for a character to follow.) Books may have caused the apocalypse, but laughable special effects and ludicrous dialogue certainly survived it. Please join Mike, Kevin, Bill and a bunch of folks who couldn’t afford tickets to Thunderdome for Warriors of the Wasteland. Original film made in 1983. - Buffalo RiderE126
Buffalo RiderWhen you really stop and think about it, there are two kinds of movies: movies where rugged men punch mountain lions, and movies where this sadly does not happen. Fortunately, Buffalo Rider is the inaugural member of this first group, and while it waits for another movie to join it, (we’re looking squarely at you The Help 2), it is content to quietly kick some ass all by its lonesome. Buffalo Rider tells the story of Jake “Buffalo” Jones, a legend of the Old West who tamed and rode a two-ton buffalo named Samson and, in the process, proved that there really must not have been much to do in the Old West. And while the sight of a man who resembles a Doobie Brothers roadie riding a gigantic buffalo is spectacular in itself, the producers decide to spice up the action a bit by keeping crates of vicious wild animals just off-screen and occasionally releasing them to attack Jake and the buffalo. Bears, wolves and cougars all show up to take on Jake, who appears to have been informed of these animals’ presence seconds before they were released. You may have seen the clips of the “Guy on a Buffalo” song. Please, let us reassure you that you have NOT experienced the entire Buffalo Rider universe until you’ve seen the whole movie. This is a film that devotes nearly 1/10th of its screen time to tell the tale of a very, very unfortunate raccoon named Bandit. It has its own majestic theme song that you will be singing for days afterwards. Imagine if all you saw of Birdemic were the coat-hanger scenes. You’d be forgiven for assuming that was all the movie had to offer, but then you’d miss out on solrpnls, hanging out with your family and the spruce bark beetles. Please do not miss out on Buffalo Rider. Although the cougar punching is still pretty damn sweet... - Transformers: Dark of the MoonE127
Transformers: Dark of the MoonHey, you know what happens if you hit play on Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and Transformers: Dark of the Moon at the same time? We tried it, turns out they don’t sync at all and the Pink Floyd album will immediately set itself on fire in protest (who knew mp3s could burn?). So instead you should probably sync it with the RiffTrax, as that is officially the only way to watch Transformers: Dark of the Moon without ending up in a fetal position, weeping at the horror of its brave new world. It’s hard to believe the franchise soldiered on after the loss of its most beloved character, Megan Fox’s butt. Yet somehow Michael Bay boldly moved forward with a new rich & complex female character, who ALSO has a butt, which happens to be the very first part of her shown in the film! And don’t worry, all your other favorite characters are back, including: Noise! Chaos! Stuttering Shia! Racism! Screaming Shia! Respected actors shaming themselves for vacation house money! Stuttering WHILE Screaming Shia! The Matrix of Leadership! The coma induced by your laughter at the fact that they want you to take something called “The Matrix of Leadership” seriously! Join Mike, Kevin and Bill as they take on Transformers: Dark of the Moon because it’s simply not safe to watch this movie alone. - Christmas with Rifftrax featuring Magic Christmas TreeE128
Christmas with Rifftrax featuring Magic Christmas TreeWe’re happy to present the first ever RiffTrax Christmas special! In the spirit of the season (that is, delusional hysteria and madness) we’ve dug up some hilariously bizarre holiday oddities, all new to us and never-before riffed! Join your hosts, Mike, Kevin, and Bill, as they: *Exchange gifts, with vintage toy commercials *Riff a new short, The Shanty Where Santy Claus Lives *And riff the main event, Magic Christmas Tree! Magic Christmas Tree is a fresh slice of holiday weird, sure to bring back cherished childhood memories. Remember how your parents used to tell that old Christmas tale of a boy who hit his head trying to help a witch retrieve a cat named Lucifer, hallucinated for months, and befriended a creepy, sarcastic tree? No? Well that’s probably for the best, you were a young, impressionable child. But you’re ready now! Gather the family, get a bucket of eggnog, and settle in for Christmas with RiffTrax! - Captain America: The First AvengerE129
Captain America: The First AvengerCaptain America: The First Avenger tells us the inspiring story of a skinny weakling who takes excessive quantities of a dangerous performance enhancing drug and becomes a national hero. Along the way he meets a girl, records propaganda films and defeats Sammy Sosa for the 1998 regular season Home Run title. Standing in Captain America’s way is the evil Red Skull, who bears a striking resemblance to the father of the kid in “Son of The Mask.” Red Skull has developed some sort of laser, which he intends to use to achieve modest goals of establishing himself as a respected political figure in a small, manageable region of, we’re just kidding, he intends on taking over the entire world. Aiding Captain America is Tommy Lee Jones, who appears to have been 73 for the past three decades, his loyal sidekick Bucky, who we’re pretty sure had some lines in the movie, and a guy named Timothy Aloysius Cadwallader "Dum Dum" Dugan who wears a bowler hat, ironic mustache and to re-emphasize, is named Timothy Aloysius Cadwallader "Dum Dum" Dugan. You can’t have an Avengers movie without several years of breathless hype and inflated expectations sure to leave fans disappointed The First Avenger, and Captain America certainly makes a case for filling that role, in that he becomes an Avenger and may even have done so before anybody else. Mike, Kevin and Bill are just happy to see Hitler get punched. - GhosthouseE130
GhosthouseYes, yes, Ghosthouse is a film about a dead little girl who has an evil clown doll that commands her to kill. That’s all well and good. But it’s the little things about Ghosthouse that really make you stand up and say “Wait, what?” The star of Ghosthouse is a Ham Radio operator who, HEY GET BACK HERE!!! Anyways, this Ham Radio operator one day asks a fellow Ham Radio operator “Who is more popular in Denver, Kim Basinger or Kelly LeBrock?” This has nothing to do with the plot of Ghosthouse, but we just wanted to point out that this pressing question is raised in an actual movie at some point in time. So the Ham Radio guy and his ambiguously European girlfriend eat some chili, debate Ham Radio ethics* then go to the Ghosthouse where they meet a guy named Jim Dalen. We learn a lot about Jim Dalen, who’s staying outside in an RV with, among others, his sister Tina. That would be Tina Dalen. Jim Dalen’s sister. And hang on a second, we nearly forgot Pepe! Pepe is no relation to Jim Dalen, but he...you know what, this whole thing will make a lot more sense once you watch Ghosthouse. Go spend some time with Jim Dalen, Tina Dalen, Kelly LeBrock and Pepe, then come back when you’re ready to discuss the film. We’re going to go get some chili. *Both of those things actually happen in Ghosthouse - Rise of the Planet of the ApesE131
Rise of the Planet of the ApesFor many of us, the last time we uttered the title “Planet of the Apes” was when we were angrily demanding from a teenage usher “I’ll ask you one more time: Are you going to give me a refund for Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes, or am I going to have to take another finger?” However, at that time, nobody could have foreseen the Ape Boom of the aught’s. It was spurred on by the box office dominance of a trilogy that made the LOTR movies look like one excruciatingly long version of Carrot Top’s Chairman of the Board: MVP: Most Valuable Primate, MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate, and MXP: Most Xtreme Primate. Fortunately, Tim Burton has resisted to urge to “reimagine” any of these classics, though he has expressed interest in making a worthless version of My Gym Partner’s a Monkey. Anyways, the Ape Boom® culminated in yet another Planet of the Apes movie that nobody really asked for or cared about. But when the movie came out, it proved what we once overheard our dad saying to our mom on Christmas Eve: “Set their expectations really, really low, then they’ll be delighted when they get a Man-E-Faces toy where two of the faces don’t work. Dammit, we’re out of beer already??” So, while we kid, Rise of the Planet of the Apes more than delivers on its non-existent expectations, giving audiences what they want: Apes (Yes!), Apes, (Yes!!) and more Apes (Yes!!!!) and James Franco (Wait, what?). Andy Serkis is also along for the ride, playing the role of “Guy who will probably get awarded an honorary Oscar in about thirty years and be really self righteous about it.” Follow Mike, Kevin, Bill and Zippy’s lead: don a fez, plop down on a unicycle and smoke your finest cigar - it’s time for the Planet of the Apes to Rise! - Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 1E132
Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 1When word leaked that the final Twilight movie would be split into two parts, most people assumed that this was done by the studio as a cynical cash grab. Not so. The last chapter in the Twilight saga is so vast, so detailed, that it demanded the lush, panoramic two movie treatment. Okay, maybe they could have trimmed some of that twenty minute wedding because it was very straightforward and didn’t impact the story in any way and essentially could have been a wedding from a Reese Witherspoon movie. And we probably didn’t need every single one of the scenes where Jacob visits the Cullen’s house and shouts at someone. And dear god, they are showing them playing chess on their honeymoon AGAIN! Fortunately, the remaining twelve minutes of the movie that advances the “plot” in some fashion makes up for the slow pace of the rest of the movie by being disgusting and incoherent. The birth of Bella and Edward’s horrible mutant spawn is repellent, nasty and vile, and yes, we are just referring to the decision to name it Renesmee.* Also, this time the wolves go to a logging plant and communicate via telepathy. Mike, Kevin and Bill love to hang out at the logging plant too, or at least they did until that lame foreman called their parents and ruined all their fun. *DO NOT NAME YOUR CHILD THIS OR ALLOW ANYONE YOU KNOW TO NAME THEIR CHILD THIS - Frankenstein IslandE133
Frankenstein IslandWhen four hot air balloonists crash land on remote Frankenstein Island, one thing is certain: they have a dog named Melvin! That’s about all we were able to figure out regarding the plot of Frankenstein Island. The rest is a glorious potpourri of insanity, including but not just limited to: jungle babes in leopard skin bikinis, a bedridden 200 year old man, zombie slaves, Kung-Fu, a brain in a jar, a confused John Carradine, a guy who looks like the protagonist of the fictional Twitter account DadBoner and a scene where a shirtless man injects a mannequin with a hypodermic needle. All things said, it’s a little less strange than The Room. How did these men get here? What is the strange power that runs the entire island? There’s only 15 minutes left in the movie, is Frankenstein ever actually going to show up? Questions like these aren’t important on Frankenstein Island. How dare you ask them. Here, the bikini chicks are dancing with a snake now. Is that better? I thought so. Mike, Kevin and Bill hop into a hot air balloon with Melvin (a pastrami sandwich), and head off into the wild blue yonder to riff Frankenstein Island! - Mesa of Lost WomenE134
Mesa of Lost WomenMesa of Lost Women! Not to be confused with the Plateau of Misplaced Babes, the Bayou of Wandering Broads, or the Tundra of Girlfriends Who Keep Trying to Get You to Ask for Directions but You’re Simply Just Too Foolish and Proud. It’s packed with everything you want in a vintage monster movie: giant spiders, dancing girls, spider-girls, DANCING spider-girls, mad scientists, square-jawed test pilots, and minor characters based on horribly dated ethnic stereotypes (we’re looking at you, Pepe and Woo the “houseboy”)! And, of course, nonstop wall-to-wall flamenco guitar. It’s like everyone says, “Flamenco guitar: why have a little when you could have an insane amount that is clearly way too much?” The action starts when an escaped mental patient forces a group of strangers onto an airplane, which subsequently crash-lands in a strange, deadly wilderness - which, coincidentally enough, was also how RiffTrax got started, so you definitely don’t want to miss this one! - Curse of BigfootE135
Curse of BigfootWell, we found it. The Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny of horror films. Read that again. Reflect on it. Maybe discuss it with your local librarian, or, better yet, one of the pungent men who spends all day on a library computer glancing over his shoulder nervously as he “does internet research.” The Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny of horror films. A bold claim, especially when you consider that Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is arguably a horror film itself, based on the raw metric tonnage of nightmares it’s produced. Just like that holiday classic, Curse of Bigfoot feels like an insane sandwich slapped together by Dagwood Bumstead after an extended opium binge, maybe Peanut Butter & Tacks & Pimento Loaf & a laserdisc of Newsies. A film within a film within a damp cardboard box within a film. Some highlights: a hideous papier-mâché creature (Bigfoot?) gradually approaches a woman feeding her dog for five continuous minutes. A high school teacher, apparently of the common high school subject “Monsters,” forces his students to listen to a guest speaker who would never be allowed within 500 feet of any school. Logging. Lots of logging. Logger deaths. And, to wash it all down and make sense of everything, a vintage monster movie stapled to the end, featuring a monster who may or may not be Bigfoot (it definitely isn’t Bigfoot). You don’t want to miss this. - Jack the Giant KillerE136
Jack the Giant Killer(This is the live version. Already in Specials. This should be remove and updated.) If you’re into cheesy stop-motion dragons, leprechauns in bottles, drunk Vikings, and Giants-Who-Need-Killing, then Jack the Giant Killer is for you! Actually that’s an odd set of things to be into, hypothetical person reading this, and frankly it’s about time you let us get to the point. Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett riffed this vintage 1962 epic live in Nashville, and now you can enjoy the show in the comfort of your own home, castle, or bottle you share with a leprechaun! Also! The guys riff the supremely weird short What Is Nothing? (spoiler: we still don’t know what nothing is). Plus two hilarious cartoons from Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka of somethingawful.com, a Behind-the-Scenes slideshow, and movie trivia slides done RiffTrax style! Make sure all these giants didn’t die in vain - join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for a full evening of great live comedy. - Mutant!
E137Mutant!Not so much the X-Men kind of mutant, and not so much the Teenage Ninja Turtle kind of mutant, Mutant is all about that most iconic form of mutant: the one that seems a lot like a zombie. Yes, when you see hordes of zombies chasing the citizens of this sleepy Southern town, you might be tempted to tell yourself “I am watching a zombie movie.” When the words “mutant” and “mutation” are never used in the course of the script, and you are watching flesh-eating zombies eat flesh, you might really get into this closed-minded “this is absolutely a zombie movie, why is it called Mutant” headspace. But remember that these are definitely mutants, NOT zombies, and the title surely has nothing at all to do with the fact that the film was originally released with the title Night Shadows before the producers realized that sounded a little more “shade of mascara at Hot Topic” than “horror movie.” Wings Hauser, Wings Hauser’s brother, and Wings Hauser’s giant face are prototypical 80s yuppies (translation: they’re jerks and their shorts are way too short). To escape the stress of life in “Capital City” they take a road trip and wind up stranded in a sleepy Southern town infested with violent hillbillies, a drunk sheriff, and some good old down-home toxic waste. Something is mutanty in zombietown, and our heroes suspect a conspiracy that goes to the top of a local terrifyingly powerful mega-corporation (translation: a few guys in a barn with a hose and a hole in the ground). Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this classic 80s tale of snobs vs. slobs who are mutants who are zombies, Mutant! - Prisoners of the Lost UniverseE138
Prisoners of the Lost UniverseWhen a local TV host gets into a car accident with an electrician, she didn’t count on one thing: that he would be the two time state champion who had also defended the interstate trophy in the ancient art of Kendo Swords. Because honestly, why would you count on that? It’s patently absurd, clearly some sort of horrible plot contrivance. What the hell is a kendo sword anyways? Certainly nothing a grown man should be messing around with. Watch the sample! The point is, those two end up as Prisoners in the Lost Universe, which looks a heck of a lot like Earth except that there is a kind of tree that grows dinner plates, and another kind that grows pods of orange berries. Just try to wrap your little head around that, and also how a film this derivative and cheap looking came out the same year as Return of the Jedi. One thing it did have in common with that film, however, is the presence of horrible little sidekicks. Return of the Jedi had the Ewoks, and Prisoners has Malachi, who makes the Ewoks look like Martini sipping, bon mot spewing embodiments of class and dignity. Malachi...Damn, now we’re thinking about Malachi again. He’s...He’s just the worst. Ugh. He’s also joined on the quest by the Green Man, who’s called that because he’s the same shade of blue as a Na’vi, a giant killer baby in a diaper, and a talking vulture. Grab your finest kendo sword and get ready to defend the interstate trophy with Prisoners of the Lost Universe! Original film made in 1983. - BrainiacE139
BrainiacSay hello to Brainiac, one of the finest movie monsters we’ve ever had the pleasure to know! Sure, he looks like the Troll dolls’ creepy uncle who’s no longer invited to family gatherings. Sure, his mask seems to have been hastily assembled out of found garbage and shower-drain hair five minutes before they started shooting the movie. Sure, he sucks brain matter through his ridiculous plastic tongue, then saves it in a fancy dish to be secretly eaten during posh dinner parties where he could easily be caught. Hm, seems like we should put something nice about him here to round this out. Well, he’s a very snappy dresser. Back in 1661, a Spanish baron in the middle of burning at the stake escaped by hitching a ride on a passing comet, as one does. And now he returns, 300 years later, a shapeshifting monstrosity bent on killing the descendants of those who wronged him, via a series of polite social gatherings (this is the actual plot). Luckily, those who wronged him somehow only have one descendant each, and all the descendants still happen to live in the same town, and also look exactly like the ancestors he knew 300 years ago. What a timesaver for a busy Brainiac on the go! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill and let’s all get our pesky thinking parts gobbled up by Brainiac! - Bloody Pit of HorrorE140
Bloody Pit of HorrorWhen a group of sexy ladies shows up to take sexy pictures in a sexy castle that once belonged to a sexy executioner who may or may not be the reincarnation of the sexy Marquis de Sade, one thing is for sure: we just used the word ‘sexy’ seven times in one sentence (including the ‘sexy’ after the colon and this one inside the parenthesis.) Yes, unfortunately for the llllllllllladies, a guy who thinks he’s the legendary Crimson Executioner is haunting the castle. Wearing nothing but pair of tights and a skullcap that makes him look like a perverted matchstick, clearly this fiend is an unstoppable menace, who may or may not spend more on chest waxing every month than he does on groceries. The insane, diabolical, evil-to-the-core Crimson Executioner (real name: Travis) has a variety of torture implements gathering dust in his basement. They range from the traditional (Iron Maiden) to the idiotic (spider piñata) to the highly specific (Suge Knight dangles you by your ankles over a balcony, may only apply to Vanilla Ice.) Filmed in PSYCHOVISION, (which we hear Fellini used to shoot in), Bloody Pit of Horror is must see Italian horror at its cheesiest. Mike, Kevin and Bill brave the spider piñata and give it their bloody best. - Future ForceE141
Future ForceDavid Carradine in Future Force is what you’d get if Arnold substituted creatine with frosting, Stallone started cutting his own hair and Seagal...Well, Seagal wouldn’t have to change much actually. As John Tucker, he’s the only member of the C.O.P.S. (Civilian Operated Police Incorporated) (That’s not a joke) who’s interested in standing up to corruption. Fortunately, he’s got an incredible weapon at his disposal: his robotic remote-controlled glove, which can fire deadly lasers and fly and bears a hilarious resemblance to the Nintendo Power Glove. Something this powerful comes with great responsibility, so fortunately Carradine leaves it in his Jeep’s trunk most of the time and uses a standard pistol instead. Aside from video phones in cars, the dystopian future of 1991 is not noticeably different from actual 1991, though we did notice a distinct lack of Color Me Badd music. So perhaps there isn’t much to complain about. Grab a warm can of High Life, slap on some Gold Bond Medicated Powder and get ready to watch David Carradine try not to pull a groin muscle while he’s kicking some butt in Future Force. - Neutron the Atomic Superman vs. the Death RobotsE142
Neutron the Atomic Superman vs. the Death RobotsOne of the first Mexican wrestling movies to be titled by an excitable 5 year old boy using a box of magnetic poetry, Neutron the Atomic Superman vs. the Death Robots is not to be missed. The sport of Lucha Libre was once so popular in Mexico it spawned the genre of Luchador films, in which popular wrestlers played crime-fighting superheroes. Here’s hoping Hollywood finally rips off this great idea and replaces the cast of Avengers 2 with Stone Cold Steve Austin, Brutus the Barber Beefcake, and of course, for a little sexy eye candy, the Bushwhackers. Neutron, whose exposure to atomic energy has given him the power of - well, being moderately good at wrestling - takes on the evil Dr. Caronte, who you know is a legit doctor because his Mexican wrestling mask is white. But the real star of the show is Caronte’s little person sidekick, Nick. With his unibrow and voice that sounds like the death rattle of an emphysemic frog demon, Nick fever is sure to sweep the nation like nothing before! (Note: Nick fever and its resultant sores are currently untreatable. RiffTrax cannot be held accountable for Nick fever related insomnia, infections, or gout.) Join Mike, Bill, and Kevin for one of the few superhero vs. robot movies to feature no actual superheroes OR robots, Neutron the Atomic Superman vs. the Death Robots! - The Revenge of Doctor XE143
The Revenge of Doctor XYou expect a movie called The Revenge of Doctor X to have two things: a character named Dr. X and said character enacting some sort of revenge. Were it to lack a Dr. X, you might assume this was a careless oversight. Were it to lack revenge, you might be slightly upset, but perhaps hopeful that it instead replaced it with something comparably exciting, such as blackmail or bobsledding. Were a movie called The Revenge of Doctor X to lack BOTH revenge and Dr. X however, there could be only one explanation: Ed Wood was involved. Yes, Ed Wood reportedly penned the screenplay for this movie, which of course contains no Dr. X and no noticeable revenge. It begins with Dr. Bragin, NASA’s chief aerospace engineer. When a rocket launch goes awry, Dr. Brain’s assistant suggests that he immediately take a vacation to Japan. As one does. Dr. Bragin responds, as he does to just about every situation, with barely contained sputtering rage. On the way to Japan, NASA’s chief aerospace engineer stops at a service station/plant nursery/snake farm. Again, as one does. Here he buys a venus flytrap, which he smuggles into Japan. Waiting for him in Japan is his assistant’s cousin, who informs him that she will take the next few months off from work to accompany him to an abandoned resort that her father owns with a fully functional greenhouse and a hunchbacked caretaker that is near the rim of an active volcano. Yes, yes, a familiar cliche, but stick with us here. Dr. Bragin/X crossbreeds the venus flytrap into a horrible abomination, that would be the most terrifying creature in film history, were every detail about it the exact opposite. It resembles a giant stalk of celery combined with a used car lot tube man wearing giant boxing gloves, and of course, it develops a thirst for blood. Not motivated by any particular kind of revenge, mind you. Any blood will do. The victim does not have to have wronged it. It’s a cautionary tale about the limits of science, the cor - The Bermuda TriangleE144
The Bermuda TriangleFeaturing half-man/half-jaw actor Miguel Fuentes, a.k.a. the Aztec from The Pumaman! There are lots of theories about why ships disappear in the Bermuda Triangle. Some blame magnetic anomalies affecting navigation. Some cite alien abduction. Others point out that it’s actually just a huge amount of ocean, and of course you’re going to lose some ships out there, you nitwits. But the makers of The Bermuda Triangle have their own fresh theory, and it all comes down to something NEVER BEFORE SEEN IN A HORROR MOVIE -- a creepy doll, telling a creepy little girl to kill her family. But this time, it’s on a boat. A BOOOOOAT!!! A hilariously dubbed Italian-Mexican joint production, The Bermuda Triangle is low on logic and high on ridiculous old-fashioned racism. A family sets out to find Atlantis with a crew of stereotypes, including a black cook character that would embarrass Amos and Andy. Heading the family? None other than legendary actor and director JOHN freaking HUSTON, in a role that one can only imagine he took in order to spend time near the ship’s other most notable passenger, A REALLY HOT WOMAN IN A BIKINI. Will they find Atlantis before they’re all dead? Will anyone on board even seem aware they’re looking for Atlantis? Find out by disappearing into The Bermuda Triangle with Mike, Kevin, and Bill! (and, y’know, also that bikini woman we mentioned) - The Hunger GamesE145
The Hunger GamesJust when things looked grimmest for Hollywood’s bottom line and executives started seriously considering adapting the origin stories of cereal mascots for the silver screen, along came The Hunger Games to save the day! Yes, The Hunger Games, the series that critics are saying is “Almost definitely going to have the last book split into two movies” finally arrives to bring you archery, love and oh so much reaping! Star of the show is Jennifer Lawrence, who wowed audiences in Winter’s Bone by being able to make it through a movie called Winter’s Bone without cracking a smile at the fact that the movie was named Winter’s Bone. Starring as Katniss, she volunteers for the games as a substitute for his sister Primrose, which forces her to leave behind her sort of boyfriend Gail, and get sent off to the capitol with a guy named Peeta. We contacted the folks at NASA and asked them to fire up some of their supercomputers in order to calculate which of those four names is the stupidest. They were willing, of course, but as soon as they hit start, we heard a loud buzzing in the background, and some people saying “No...No, this can’t be happening!” and “I’ve never seen a mainframe melt that fast before!” and “To the escape pods! No children allowed!”, so we figure we’re due to receive those results any minute now. Anyways, at some point in time Lenny Kravitz shows up, bringing back fond memories of the wonderful moments just before he shows up. Stanley Tucci interviews the doomed contestants and determines whether they will join Hufflepuff or Slytherin. And Woody Harrelson, one has to imagine, took the role thinking he’d get to hang out on set all day with noted babe Elizabeth BanDEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO NOTED BABE ELIZABETH BANKS!? We’ll just say this: at one point Peeta claims that his professional, almost magical level of talent as a camouflage artist all stems from the fact that he is good at frosting cakes in his family - The Guy from HarlemE146
The Guy from HarlemThe Guy from Harlem is the first blaxploitation film we’ve ever riffed. Why? To quote the temperamental yet ultimately quite sensitive gangster Harry De Bauld, a character you will grow to love as much as we do - “well, it’s...it’s kinda personal.” Okay it’s not actually personal at all, it’s just that the movie is really, really funny. It trades most of the sleaze, grime, and, well, exploitation that you expect from the genre for dopiness, sexual situations that fail to lead to actual sex, a clumsy confused sweetness, and more botched lines per minute than anything we’ve ever seen. As you’d expect from the title, The Guy from Harlem is set entirely in Miami. The makers of Casablanca almost used the same approach, with early drafts titled The Dude from Somewhere Other Than Casablanca. It’s the story of private eye and titular Guy, Al Connors. Al’s a man with such a reputation that when it’s time to protect an African queen/princess/wife of a chief of state (her title changes pretty much every time it comes up) the CIA goes straight to his dingy shag-carpeted office and begs for help. Later, when gangster Harry De Bauld’s daughter is kidnapped by the sinister Big Daddy, and his own criminal organization is just “too upset!” about the whole thing to deal with the situation, where do you think he goes? That’s right. To the guy who’s the best at being from Harlem there is, baby. Join Mike (what you say?), Kevin (that cat’s a bad duuuude), and Bill (get on down!) for The Guy from Harlem! - Future ZoneE147
Future ZoneWhen we last left him, things were looking up for John Tucker. He had landed a babe way out of his league. That nerdy kid who was always bothering him had been gunned down. He owned the world’s most powerful glove, which he occasionally admired as it sat in a box in the back of his dirty Jeep. But Tucker’s world is about to come crashing down when a mysterious visitor shows up at COP headquarters. (Unable to decide whether the acronym was COPI or COPS, the creative team* behind Future Zone just dropped the fourth letter altogether. Also, they may have moved from LA to Mobile, Alabama. The movie is very unclear about this. Oh, and the main bad guys in this one were in Future Force, but we’re pretty sure they are playing different characters here. Lest these changes scare off the potential sequel viewer, do not fear: Carradine’s beer belly remains very much intact.) Anyways, the mysterious visitor shows up. He’s wearing a mesh shirt and seems to know a little too much about John Tucker. Who is this mystery man and where did he come from? This is a question you will ponder for exactly four milliseconds before you, like every other non-brain damaged person, quickly realize “That is obviously his son from the future.” How did he travel back in time? “My friends built a time portal,” he casually mentions, never to address it again. Yeah. It’s that kind of movie. But the family affair doesn’t just stop there! In a delightful twist, Carradine’s real life wife plays his onscreen wife. The chemistry between Carradine and the woman who sold him out to the media after his death with quotes like “He had his kinky moments” and “He would go to a hardware store and buy the stuff” really is the emotional heart of Future Zone. Mike, Kevin and Bill splashed a fresh coat of mud onto their Chevy Blazer and make sure any and all gloves are firmly secured in an out of the way box as they hop on the highway to the Future Zone! *hahaha - Nightmare at NoonE148
Nightmare at NoonNightmare at Noon might sound like what happens a few hours after trying items from Taco Bell’s breakfast menu, but in fact it’s a movie! A totally 80s movie that reunites two stars from our VOD release Mutant: the terrifyingly-faced Wings Hauser and his gruff, permanently drunk pal, Bo Hopkins. And, weirdly enough, they are once again facing off against a rural town full of people turned into ghouls by environmental contamination. But whereas Wings played a young whiny sarcastic yuppie in Mutant, this time he’s...a slightly older whiny sarcastic yuppie. And while Bo played a small town sheriff in Mutant, this time he’s...a cop who lost his job for doing the right thing. But it’s not a sequel! Somehow! Basically, they took what made Mutant such a good movie (nothing), threw in George Kennedy (yes, that George Kennedy), some cleavage (not George Kennedy’s) and a ridiculously long helicopter chase that was probably pulled from an Airwolf rerun, shook it all up and poured a big glass of Nightmare at Noon! It’s worth noting that this movie is also known by another title, Death Street U.S.A. (kinda like how Mutant also had another name, Night Shadows). It’s also worth noting, according to the movie itself, that Wings Hauser’s character loves croissants, but HATES them when they’re microwaved. Might we fixate on this bizarre character detail? Oh, we might. We just might. Help Mike, Kevin and Bill stuff croissants into a microwave until Wings drops to his knees in despair at this Nightmare at Noon! - Tourist TrapE149
Tourist TrapCapitalizing on the widely-publicized series of unsolved murders that occurred at the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas in the late 1970s*, Tourist Trap is a slasher film with all the classic elements. It’s got a big beefy killer in overalls and a mask, portrayed by Chuck Connors, known primarily for his television role as The Rifleman but also for his 400 pound chin. And, of course, a couple of scantily clad babes, including replacement Charlie’s Angel Tanya Roberts, who would later make MILF history as the neighbor in That 70s Show. For some reason the babes are on a road trip with a girl who’s sort of a more conservative version of Sarah, Plain and Tall when their car breaks down (you don’t say!) near a freaky roadside museum. It’s full of creepy mannequins that big Chuck operates via his never-explained telekinesis, proving that if people started developing X-Men style mutant powers in the real world their first impulse wouldn’t be to rule the world OR try to save it, but instead to perv out and build a giant whackin’ emporium full of RealDolls. The girls, naturally, trust museum owner Chuck completely. They don’t realize he’s the killer picking them off one by one, a ruse that even Scooby and Shaggy would immediately see through, even with red-rimmed eyes after hotboxing the van. Throw in a twist ending so shocking it’ll leave you saying “huh, I guess that was the ending,” and you’ve got a Tourist Trap even more perplexing/disappointing than Santa Cruz’s famous Mystery Spot (where, incidentally, the Colby Jack cheese blend was first invented**). Put on your Hawaiian shirt, fanny pack, and Teva sandals with socks, then join Mike, Kevin, and Bill in the Tourist Trap! *not factual, this is just an urban legend we’re trying to get off the ground **this is another one - Christmas with RiffTrax: Santa's Village of MadnessE150
Christmas with RiffTrax: Santa's Village of MadnessAh, Christmas. That magical time of year when Santa travels all over the universe by means of the fifth dimension, (which his close friend Merlin invented in a floating space castle), delivering toys that were made by a skunk in a factory overseen by a wolf in a village whose head of security, Puss in Boots, occasionally has to fend off giant ogres. A story so familiar and comforting, it’s like wrapping yourself in a warm blanket. By which we mean it’s so insane and twisted, it makes the Ice Cream Bunny look like Tiny Tim Cratchit. Christmas with RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness is three shorts from the mad mind of K. Gordon Murray, who brought you the MST3K episode Santa Claus. Featuring cheap mascot costumes, terrifying music, an utter lack of coherence and a Santa who appears to have been dead for most of the shoot, they are some of the most astounding things we have ever laid eyes on, and will quickly become a new yuletide tradition, provided your eggnog is adequately spiked. Mike, Kevin and Bill will be your hosts throughout your journey, introducing each short with their best brave faces as they stare into the abyss of Christmas Skunks and magic flowers that subvert the space/time continuum! - The AvengersE151
The AvengersEarth’s Mightiest Generators of Studio Cashflow, Assemble! These heavy-hitting Marvel heroes (and also some bow and arrow guy) are finally together in one place, thanks to Samuel L. Jackson’s commitment to hanging out after the credits in their movies. Enjoy the fruits of his passive-aggressive labor, a big superhero flick written and directed by the GREAT, FLAWLESS AND IRREPROACHABLE JOSS WHEDON (internet law requires we write his name that way). Once fans got over their disappointment that the film’s roster didn’t include iconic Avenger Dr. Druid (I know, I know, we still can’t believe it either) they had to agree this was a pretty fun movie. And it is fun, once you get past the Iron Man quips, the malnourished art major Loki as primary villain, generic robo-creature-guys from space or wherever -- once you get past all that, you have the true emotional core of the movie. Agent Coulson, and his barely-mentioned offscreen romance with a cellist who recently moved back to Portland. That’s what it’s really all about, True Believers. So shout “Excelsior,” try to keep your eyes from rolling out of your head at the inevitable Stan Lee cameo, and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for The Avengers! - McBainE152
McBainWARNING! Contains naughty language and Christopher Walken impressions! Let’s get this out of the way: Yes, this movie is called McBain. No, it has nothing to do with what you’re thinking: it’s not a biopic of Diane McBain, star of the 1960 TV series Surfside 6. Oh, or that Simpsons character either. No, there’s no Mendoza for McBain to take out in this one. That’s just in the silly movie series The Simpsons came up with. Probably only took them a couple minutes too. Mendoza...Ha! This McBain is much more legitimate and creative. Its drug dealer is named Escobar. Christopher Walken (Mousehunt, Joe Dirt, The Country Bears, Gigli, Kangaroo Jack) stars as the titular McBain. When the man who rescued him from a POW camp is executed by a Colombian dictator, it’s time for McBain to put together a ragtag group to avenge their friend. He rounds up a smooth talking technology expert, a black guy who is afraid of flying, and a guy who repeatedly asks him if it’s really a good idea to rip off The A-Team so blatantly. Finally, they’re ready to take out the dictator and what follows is possibly the most incoherent mess of an action film there ever was. The body count soars, plot threads are introduced and discarded at a moment’s notice and a WrestleMania hat is given prominent screentime. Evidently, nobody ever told the producers of McBain that 80s action flicks were out of style, or that it’s not very badass to make your supposed action hero a welder (McBain is a professional welder, we forgot to mention that until now. Also, his first name is Bobby. Both of these things are true.) McBain is the movie that will have you saying, “Seriously? Christopher Walken did this only three years before Pulp Fiction?” Join Mike, Kevin, Bill and Rainier Wolfcastle for McBain: Let’s Get Silly. Original film made in 1991. - When a Stranger Calls BackE153
When a Stranger Calls BackContains scenes of nudity. (Fortunately, not Charles Durning.) The sequel is coming from inside the house! That’s right, one of the tiredest pop culture tropes of all time finally gets a sequel! And you’ll never believe where the calls are coming from this time (because it’s a really, really stupid reveal. We’re talking the end of Signs level stupid.) Julia is a babysitter, whose motto was evidently “Charisma free child care or your money back!” Her plan to put the kids to bed and then spend an evening quietly enjoying a glass of water is disrupted when a stranger comes to her door. He has a chilling request: he needs her to call the auto club because his car is broken down. Julia responds as anyone would: by lapsing into a hysterical panic attack while the poor guy trudges four miles to a gas station and misses his kid’s birthday party. We’re just kidding of course, he actually is a maniac and he kidnaps both the kids and they’re never seen again. Traumatized by the incident, Julia responds by growing a Joe Dirt level mullet and enrolling in a small liberal arts college. (Experts strongly recommend you do neither of these things, but if you must choose just one, they tentatively recommend the mullet.) Everything is going just fine until one day she notices that small objects in her apartment are not where she left them. Cue hysterical panic attack. She’s really a charmer, this Julia. Fortunately, she’s got Charles Durning and Carol Kane to help her. Durning appears to have gotten over Doc Hopper’s failure to sign Kermit The Frog as spokesperson by eating the Electric Mayhem Band and Kane looks appropriately traumatized for someone who had to play the wife of both Billy Crystal AND Andy Kaufman. At one point, in one of the most terrifying and disturbing scenes ever filmed, Charles Durning goes to a strip club to watch a ventriloquist act. With Mike, Kevin and Bill there to riff, When A Stranger Calls Back will have you ho - Cool as IceE154
Cool as IceVanilla Ice’s album To The Extreme sold fifteen million copies. It is important to keep this in mind while you watch Cool As Ice, because at some point in time, you will inevitably shriek at the TV, “Who thought this was a good idea? How did this happen? Are they really trying to make ‘yep yep’ his catchphrase? Why???” And the answer to most of those questions is: Vanilla Ice’s album To The Extreme sold fifteen million copies. Vanilla Ice (That’s My Boy, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret Of The Ooze) stars as a troubled French missionary volunteering at a refugee camp in the Sudan we’re just kidding he plays a white rapper. The only stretch he gives his acting abilities is playing a character named “Johnny” instead of his real name. At this moment, we will point out for the record that his hilarious real name is Robert Van Winkle. The sleepy little town that Vanilla rides his motorcycle through is not prepared for his chillaxed baditude and funky fresh fashions. Or perhaps they are just stunned that in a movie whose entire reason for existence is the star had a wildly popular album, none of the songs from said wildly popular album make an appearance. No Ice Ice Baby. No Play That Funky Music. Not even Havin’ A Roni. In fact, there is not even the vaguest hint that there was even a Roni anywhere to be Had on the set of Cool As Ice. Despite the lack of Ronis, Cool As Ice is still one of the finest looking bad movies of all time. This is because the director of photography went on to do the cinematography for films such as Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan and Lincoln. That’s right, a mere three years after Janusz Kaminski made sure that Vanilla Ice’s Stussy shirt was properly lit during the construction site frolicking scene, he was finding the right lens to shoot Liam Neeson’s “I could have got more” speech in Schindler’s List. It is perhaps the only movie that is more 90s than the entirety of VH1s I Love T - Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 2E155
Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 2“You see, son, sometimes, when a shirtless teenage werewolf and a newborn love each other, very, very much...” Baby girlfriends! International squads of vampires with a host of mutant superpowers that should be blood in the water to Marvel’s legal department! A final, epic showdown between the forces of vampire “evil” and vampire “meh, whatever”! All that sounds amazing, right! It’s what we’ve been building to for four movies, right??? Like, something’s finally gonna happen! RIGHT?????? Ah ha ha haaaa, remarkable. Believing this series would pay off in any way... to paraphrase Twilight: New Moon songstress Lykke Li, “There’s no posssibilityyyyyy.” This movie is mostly about an extended vampire family gathering to show support for Bella, its newest, most insipid and simpering member. Because that’s why people love vampires -- to see them form coalitions of understanding, and talk out their differences. But there’s hope, in the form of effete ancient men in red - that’s right, more Volturi than ever before! And the great Michael Sheen offering a cackle of delight so extraordinary that the petition to make it part of his eventual Oscar death reel should begin NOW. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they hide in the mustache of Mustache Dad for one last journey into the land of vampire sensitivity, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2! - Breaker! Breaker!E156
Breaker! Breaker!Breaker breaker good buddy! We got a bear in the air on 95 going north, a bear in the grass on route 50, with Brother and Sister Berenstain Bear running a checkpoint for icons in the bear community over by the bear shop, so buckle your bearbelt, step on the bear pedal and get ready to haul some bears. We don’t know much about trucker slang here at RiffTrax, but we gather that roughly 98% of it is bear based. In Breaker! Breaker!, Chuck Norris, star of the jokes from 2007 that your lamest uncle is just now finding out about and preparing to forward to you, stars as a trucker who is also a champion arm wrestler. It's like Over The Top only with slightly less confusion about the hero’s last name. Chuck’s brother is making his first ever trucking delivery, and his cargo is several hundred frozen TV dinners. His routine haul goes awry when his truck is attacked by lonely men in search of cheap, barely edible food-like substances. Actually, he’s captured by the citizens of a rogue town of drunken hicks led by the delightfully Kelsey Grammer-esque Judge Trimmings. Chuck must go in search of his missing mustache, and also his brother. To rescue him, he’ll need to very slowly kick some butt, due to the lack of mobility afforded by his denim jacket/pants combo. Fortunately, he’s got an ace up his sleeve: all his trucker pals who are apparently willing to kill dozens of people and destroy an entire town based on one CB radio message from an anonymous source reporting that a guy who they’ve seen arm wrestle once or twice is apparently in some sort of trouble. It’s a tale full of moonshine, hillbillies and sweet airbrushed eagles on the sides of vans. Mike, Kevin and Bill 86 the tuna, get the six top seated and give the blue plate special wings (trucker slang) in one of Chuck Norris’ finest mustache-less films, Breaker! Breaker! - Viva Knievel!E157
Viva Knievel!Evel Knievel was a 70s icon most known for the “stunt” of flying across the country to beat his former promoter, an executive at 20th Century Fox, outside the studio commissary with an aluminum baseball bat, shattering the man’s arm while shouting “I’m going to kill you!” Okay, that’s not what he’s most known for, but it’s what he should be most known for. I mean, did you know that? We didn’t know that. But it just might come up once or twice in our new Rifftrax of Viva Knievel! The cast of this movie is basically a list of names designed to make you go “whoa, all those people are in this movie?” Screen legend Gene Kelly! Red Buttons! Lauren Hutton! Frank Gifford! Space Mutiny’s Cameron Mitchell! Dabney Coleman! The inexplicably-named Marjoe Gortner! And, perhaps best of all, the diabolical druglord villain played by none other than Leslie Nielsen! If you’ve seen him in The Naked Gun or Airplane! every line he says will sound like a joke to you, and trust us friends, that is a very good thing. From Evel waking up orphans late at night to give them his own shoddy action figure merchandise, to, oh right, the occasional motorcycle jump, there’s almost too much to like about this one. So grab your baseball bat and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they spectacularly fail to jump Snake River Canyon and see Viva Knievel! Original film made in 1977. - The AppleE158
The AppleThe year was 1980 and one trend was sweeping America! No, not that animated dancing cat from the Paula Abdul video. We admire you thinking outside the box, but jeez, you were off by like nine years. Reign it in a bit. We were talking about the nationwide fad of really crappy musicals! Yes, 1980 brought us Xanadu, The Village People’s Can’t Stop the Music and of course the crown* jewel of them all: The Apple. Because what we needed at the start of Reagan’s America was the book of Genesis set to music. The Apple tells the story of Alphie and Bibi, a pair of sweetheart musicians from Canada who make the Osmonds look like GG Allin. Alphie’s vaguely foreign-y accent and resemblance to sensei John Kreese do nothing to slow them down as they ascend the ladder to stardom. Of course, they have a little assistance from Mr. Boogalow of the sinister BIM Corporation, which is at times a record company, an oppressive totalitarian regime and the producer of a reality singing TV show (listed in order from least despicable to most.) Forgot the name BIM already? Do not worry, there is a solid ten minutes of the movie where people shout it at you while doing aerobics. When Bibi is unable to resist the temptation and signs the record contract (GET IT???) she’s vaulted to superstardom, but at what cost? The answer appears to be not much for her. She’s actually doing pretty OK. Alphie on the other hand moves in with an elderly female landlord, as you do when times get rough. The real victims of Satan’s nefarious temptation appears to be the audience’s ear drums, which are assaulted with a variety of songs that are best described as Disco’s death rattle. Mike, Kevin and Bill would love to stop and chat but they just got word that BIM is on the way. Why don’t you watch The Apple while they wait for him to get here. *One of those cheap cardboard crowns you get at Burger King Original film made in 1980. - Kingdom of the SpidersE159
Kingdom of the SpidersCaptain Kirk. T.J. Hooker. Twilight Zone plane guy. Johnny Legal (presumably his name on Boston Legal, didn’t bother to check).The Dad Who Says Sh*t. All great characters, sure, but William Shatner will always be best known for one role, and one role alone: RACK. Rural veterinary doctor Robert “Rack” Hansen, of course, he of the inexplicable nickname, fondness for cowboy hats, and habit of hitting on his brother’s widow by saying he’d like to “milk her.” A lesser man would’ve stopped with Rack, his legacy complete. Such a great, internationally beloved part, it’s a testament to Shatner’s skill as an actor that he’s escaped its shadow, the Kingdom of the Spiders conventions and catchphrases and reboots, and become known for more than just Rack. RACK. Rack. No seriously, he has people call him Rack and he thinks he’s a sexy cowboy. Rack. Animals and people are dying of spider venom in Rack’s sleepy Arizona town, and when he and a foxy out-of-towner discover a gigantic hill of venomous spiders on a local farm they somehow don’t immediately make the connection, burn it down, and end the movie. What unfolds is a creeping, ridiculous, town-destroying horror, packed with more real live tarantulas than the basement home of that spooky pale guy who sold drugs outside your high school. Rack up, put on your spider-stompiest shoes, and join Mike, Bill, and Kevin in the Kingdom of the Spiders! - Psycho IIE160
Psycho IITurns out hilarious re-imaginings of classic Hitchcock movies aren’t just for James Nguyen! They even dug up the original Norman Bates (aka, Anthony Perkins, you may know him from his other work in just kidding, obviously, just kidding) and his momma (quite literally) for this one! Not to mention the Motel and roadside homestead, and even the iconic shower scene! Because, when you see a timeless thriller beloved by millions, the thing you want most is to follow it with a sequel 22 years later that pays homage by just whizzing all over it in every way possible. Norman gets released home to his family crime scene with some help from psychiatrist Robert Loggia, who’s tough and cool as always, but utterly inept as a psychiatrist. Despite the fact that Norman’s killing spree would’ve made national news, with college kids wearing ironic t-shirts of him in his mother’s dress by now, very few folks in his sleepy hometown seem to remember him at all. And those that do are eager to give him a job, or, in the case of Meg Tilly, go back to his home and spend the night, just for funsies. Only Dennis Franz (and, presumably, his bare bottom) is suspicious of the man who IS STILL OBVIOUSLY INSANE. But hey, who knows, maybe Norman’s fine now? JUST KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY, JUST KIDDING, HE’S STILL NUTS AND TELLS THEM SO HIMSELF MULTIPLE TIMES. Join Mike, Bill, and Kevin for Psycho II, and turn the crank on Hitchcock’s grave one more time! - Dr. Who & the DaleksE161
Dr. Who & the DaleksATTENTION, WHOVIANS! (for the uninitiated, that is not something Jay-Z yells at the beginning of a song, it’s a name for Doctor Who fans) Before Matt Smith, before David Tennant, before Christopher Eccleston, before even the scarf and afro guy, there was Peter Cushing. Well, not before, exactly, because this feature-length movie isn’t a canonical part of the Doctor Who universe or storyline. So it’s sort of more adjacent, than before. It’s nearby, if nothing else. Approximate, at least. Like, Dr. Who is in it! But instead of a mysterious Timelord alien, he’s kind of just a confused human grandpa with the last name Who. But he does have a TARDIS! Of course, instead of a disguised alien craft it’s just, like, this junky thing he made with his granddaughter. Oh yeah, he hangs out with his granddaughters. Yeah. But then they travel through space and fight the most classic Dr. Who bad guys of all, the Daleks! Of course, in this imagining of Dr. Who, the Daleks are just some dopey trashcan looking guys with plungers sticking out of ‘em that talk funny -- oh, that’s how they still are? Seriously?? PERFECT! IT’S CANON AFTER ALL! So no matter how much you know, don’t know, or don’t want to know about Dr. Who, this movie will fill your needs. Plus, the RiffTrax itself is totally canon, and an official part of the Mike, Kevin, and Bill timeline (unlike that regrettable one-off TV special, “RiffTrax goes to Hawaii”, which shall never be spoken of again). Exterminate Dr. Who and the Daleks today! - FireheadE162
FireheadYou know you’re in for a treat when we were considering starting this description, “When an Estonian cyborg defects to America...” This Estonian cyborg, as you’ve come to expect from Estonian cyborgs by this point in time, is the ultimate killing machine. Played by The Actor You Get When Reb Brown is Making Something Even Crappier, he possesses the devastating ability to shoot lasers out of his eyes! For this reason he is called LaserEyes. Er, The Blinkinator. Maybe Cyclops from X-Men. No, it was Firehead! He’s called Firehead, since he can shoot fire lasers from his head eyes. Who’s the most suitable man to track down Firehead and ensure that he doesn’t go on a rampage? Did you say Chris Lemmon, son of screen legend Jack? Of course you didn't. Did you know he existed? Well, have you ever seen someone really commit themselves to a terrible Jack Lemmon impression? Right, of course you haven’t. But take our word for it, Chris makes a strong case that the true villain of this movie is Hollywood Nepotism. Actually, the real villain is a shadowy organization known as The Upper Order, which plots the beginning of World War III from a rented conference room at the airport Ramada. They are led by another legend, Oscar winner Christopher Plummer, who was having so much fun that he brought along fellow Oscar winner Martin Landau. Rumor has it they almost convinced Orson Welles to come along too, but he wanted to spend his twilight years pursuing dignified, artistHAHA! We almost made it through that sentence! Join Mike, Kevin and Bill, all Estonian defectors themselves, as they riff LaserEy Firehead! - Fangs of the Living DeadE163
Fangs of the Living DeadEven before Prime Minister Berlusconi brought fame to Italy with his countless deviant and reprehensible acts, it was a sexy, saucy nation. And, according to its old horror movies, it’s also full of sexy, saucy, abandoned castles, owned by sexy, saucy, possibly dead but still wealthy men. And of course, most important of all, lots of sexy, saucy, scantily clad women to explore these castles and gasp at basically everything they see. As you might have guessed, our new feature Fangs of the Living Dead is loaded with your daily recommended intake of exactly this kind of Sexy Sauce (now available at Arby’s). Leading the way is Anita Ekberg, known for being Miss Sweden, her role in Fellini’s La Dolce Vita, and most of all for going out of her way to keep people from finding out she played “the most beautiful model in Italy” in Fangs of the Living Dead about 10 years after all that. Anita is summoned by her “uncle,” aka the Italian Vincent Price, to a remote castle he claims is her inheritance. What she discovers leads to a shocking twist ending, one SO shocking that not even the filmmakers knew it was coming - seriously, they made the movie one way and at the last minute the producers made them tack on a twist ending that makes no sense. See if you notice! (you will absolutely notice) Ease into your most practical dungeon-exploring negligee and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Fangs of the Living Dead! - Silent RageE164
Silent RageTake Chuck Norris. Pair him up with the guy who played Flounder in Animal House. Quickly ball that screenplay up into a wad and toss it into a garbage can where it lands next to a half-eaten ham sandwich because that is obviously a terrible idea and what have you got? Silent Rage! Silent Rage has trouble deciding what type of movie it wants to be. For some scenes, it’s a really, really bad action movie about doctors reanimating a serial killer’s brain. For other scenes, it’s a really, really bad comedy about a bumbling deputy. And in others, it’s a really, really bad romantic love triangle between Chuck Norris, an ex-flame, and his mustache. But when you add all these disjointed elements together, the results are magic! (One of those crappy plastic magic tricks that you ordered from the back of a comic book when you were seven and even you knew it pretty much sucked but you had to pretend you hadn’t wasted your parents’ money so you bothered your dad with it when he was trying to watch football until he told you to go outside.) The plot is fairly standard. Guy kills innocent people, doctor revives him, biker gang invades town, Ron Silver plans a surprise party for his sister, doctor goes mad with power, guy kills again, doctor ignores warnings, Ron Silver breaks his wife’s heart by telling her her cinnamon cake is no good, guy keeps killing, Chuck Norris kicks some guys. And at one point the guy who played Flounder in Animal House tells an anecdote about a dog that is so wildly misplaced and tone deaf you’ll wonder if just maybe he should be kicked in the nads in real life thirty one years after filming it. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you probably won’t be so silent about the great deal of rage you’ll feel. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Silent Rage! Contains a few brief scenes of nudity. No gorilla-grams are provided. - Starship TroopersE165
Starship TroopersThis 1997 giant bug alien war flick was an adaptation of Robert Heinlein’s 1950s militaristic sci-fi novel of the same name, in the sense that director Paul Verhoeven later said he never finished reading the book, and in fact stopped after the first few chapters because it made him so “bored and depressed.” Inspiration, indeed! Whatever you think of the big expensive film he made—simply dumb and loud, or dumb and loud on purpose to make a point it’s a brilliant satire and I am TYPING IN ALL CAPS NOW—it’s definitely not boring or depressing. Go see The Lone Ranger if you’re looking for that. Starship Troopers is the tale of young trooper Johnny Rico, played by Casper Van Dien, star of this and...well, some direct to video sequels of this, mostly. He’s joined in the war by Denise Richards, impossible to believe as a gifted starship pilot long before she was impossible to believe as a gifted nuclear scientist in that Bond movie. He’s also joined by the great Neil Patrick Harris, who is somehow much easier to believe as an intelligence officer with psychic abilities that help him communicate with the giant bug aliens. Throw in Michael Ironside, because duh, it’s a war movie, you’re gonna need Michael Ironside, and Jake Busey, because duh, he just showed up on set and wouldn’t leave, add a love triangle, heaps of alien splatter, and you’ve got the sprawling, great, goofy mess that is Starship Troopers! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this gorilla-gram free version of the blockbuster live show! - Supersonic ManE166
Supersonic ManUp in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s...a copyright attorney that represents DC Comics handing out cease & desist letters to the producers of Supersonic Man! Sadly, Supersonic Man, though he tries his hardest, still does the best to crib from various, more well-known sources. He has the Man of Steel’s strength, Dr. Manhattan’s occasional be-speedoed-ness, and yes, the awkward, moron-like flying of The Pumaman. What original attributes does he bring to the table, you may ask? Well, he uses his amazing supersonic powers to shatter the speed of sound and...turn a gun into a banana. And he’ll need every banana he can get his hands on because a nefarious bad guy played by Cameron Mitchell (Death of a Salesman, Frankenstein Island, Space Mutiny) has an evil island lair where he intends to start slow, really focus his energies, and take over one very specific three block area in the city of Richmond, Vir—we’re just kidding of course, he intends to take over the entire world. Fortunately, he has an ace up his sleeves: possession of the world’s lamest robot, which despite its slow movements and general clumsiness, can still shoot gigantic flames that appear to measure approximately a few degrees less than the core of the sun itself. Can Supersonic Man outwit this foe and save humanity? Assume a rigid, very uncomfortable looking flying stance and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill to find out! - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1E167
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1By the seventh Harry Potter movie, you’d think they were starting to run out of ideas! Not so! Deathly Hallows Part 1 introduces several brand new ideas to the fantasy genre such as: an item of jewelry that must be destroyed in order to eliminate an evil wizard and his army, and when you wear it, you slowly become evil and turn against your friends, which makes the long journey on foot across the countryside even more difficult. OK, so maybe that’s not too original. But there are lembas bread barf flavored jellybeans! When our story begins, grave danger lurks in every inch of the wizarding world. How grave? Well, grave enough that our heroes cannot return to Hogwarts. Yes, that’s how bad things have gotten: evidently Hogwarts, the most dangerous death trap on the British Isles*, has somehow become even more dangerous. Note: this does not mean that the Weasleys will cancel the wedding of one of their unimportant sons and the girl from the movie where Edward the vampire died. Don’t be ridiculous. While the Hogwarts action is lacking, Deathly Hallows does contain surly teens moping in the woods, an inexplicably animated section detailing the origin of O-Ren Ishii the deathly hallows, and the death of a character that may atone for Jar-Jar not biting it during any of the Star Wars prequels. - Swamp of the RavensE168
Swamp of the RavensYes, it’s an utterly baffling horror film about a mad doctor who believes death is simply an evolution and that every woman wants to sleep with him. Yes, he is laughed out of the academy and moves his decency-defying research to a swamp in Ecuador, as one does. Yes, he’s investigated by a sheriff who can only be described as a chunk of swarthy walking meat, and who also believes that every woman wants to sleep with him. But MORE THAN ANY OF THIS, Swamp of the Ravens is a vehicle for an original song about being in love with a dead robot that will change the way you view songs, movies, songs in movies, robots, dead robots, living robots, and love itself. Seriously, we haven’t been so infatuated with a song since Damien Carter taught us all about “Hangin’ Out With [His] Family” in Birdemic, and we know you’ll love it just as much as we do. You poor souls. Oh and also, there are no ravens in the titular raven swamp. Just buzzards. Really, it’s a heck of a movie. So grab the dead robot you love most and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Swamp of the Ravens! No ravens required! - Dr. Who: Daleks - Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.E169
Dr. Who: Daleks - Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.The Doctor is in, and he’s less canonical than ever! Yes, Grand Moff Peter Cushing is back in this follow-up to fan favorite Dr. Who and the Daleks. Those cheerful, not-at-all-soul-crushingly-annoying Daleks have come to Earth, and they’ve brought along the longest, most ridiculous movie title in Rifftrax history. Luckily, the fate of the human race is safe in the hands of Dr. Who (an elderly human, not alien, no powers, possibly not even a doctor), his young granddaughter, and the menagerie of other people he’s chosen to recklessly endanger this time. The Doc and his crew of allies/victims travel to 2150 AD for reasons that are, somehow, seriously, never explained. Once there, they find humanity dominated and subjugated by a race of heartless authoritarian overlords - so, y’know, a big bold departure for Doctor Who and sci-fi stories in general. Will they save Earth? Will the title get any longer? Will our dashing hero get home in time for Matlock? Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill to find out in Dr. Who: Daleks etc. etc. so on and so forth AD! - Treasure of the AmazonE170
Treasure of the AmazonJourney with us into the heart of the Amazon in this cheesy adventure film from...1985? Really? 1985? You’re sure this didn’t come out in 1962? You’re sure. This came out two years after Return of the Jedi? A year after Temple of Doom? The same year as Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend? What, B:SLL is a very common point of reference for people. William Katt fans consider it his “understated masterpiece,” his Bob Dylan’s “Oh Mercy,” his Coppola’s “One From The Heart,” the Birdie the Early Bird of McDonaldland characters. We apologize for the direction the previous paragraph took. Despite being filmed in 1985, Treasure of the Amazon is not “instantly woefully outdated,” it’s old school! It’s from a time back when men had beards, other men wore really tiny shorts, and other men wore diapers. When every voyage into the Amazon had at least one medieval friar on board. Add in a whole bunch of classic National Geographic style toplessness, Donald Pleasance as a treasure hunting nazi, a diva who alternates between a southern and British accent, and a cast that can’t remember whether they’re supposed to be alligators or crocodiles, and you’ve got yourself one mess of a movie. Book a ride at your nearest discount seaplane emporium, strap on a bulky diaper of your own, and get ready to defile an ancient burial ground. What could possibly go wrong? Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill, (who all pony up the 80 bucks for free Prime shipping every year) for Treasure of the Amazon! - The Wizard of OzE171
The Wizard of OzOur most “not in Kansas anymore” release since Avatar! Yes, after years of riffing blockbusters packed with dialogue cliches, we finally went to the source, the motherlode, the true original, The Wizard of Oz. This film is so big and influential that not only movies but books, song lyrics, and even ordinary everyday conversation are 90% Oz references! Quotes, and images, and made-up statistics, oh my! From flying monkeys to monster trees to casual witch murder, The Wizard of Oz has delighted and permanently traumatized children for decades. It’s a timeless classic, a cultural touchstone, and perfect for riffing. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll say “Wait, in this scene the Scarecrow has a gun?? Was that always there?!” It was! Join Mike, Bill, Kevin, and their little dog, too, on the yellow brick road to the horse of a different color that’s no place like home but represents the Lollipop Guild and okay that’s probably just about enough lines from The Wizard of Oz! - Night of the LepusE172
Night of the LepusRABBIT! The very word strikes fear into the heart of anyone with a very strange definition of the word fear! Their very existence seems to bring terror, what with their gnawing on vegetables and hopping and...twitching their little tails… Starring in a surprisingly wide array of beloved books, cartoons, and other children’s entertainment, OK, look, rabbits aren’t scary, at all. But what if, through a combination of terrible editing and confusing camera angles, we pretended like they were very big? Hey, where are you going! So it goes in Night of the Lepus (Latin for rabbit, as characters frequently remind each other and the audience.) When rabbits overrun a farmer’s land, he turns to a local scientist for a cure rather than poison them. Thus the true message of this movie: poison rules. When the scientist’s cure backfires, the rabbits grow to enormous size and the real conflict begins: that of the special effects team vs the movie producers who evidently budgeted next to nothing for the special effects team. Using an innovative technique known as “replaying the same damn shot over and over again” the makers of Night of the Lepus manage to create the eerily convincing sensation that you are watching normal sized rabbits run towards a camera in slow motion. Occasionally they run across the screen right to left in slow motion. That Cadbury commercial where the rabbit clucks like a chicken is infinitely scarier. So is the mustache that DeForest Kelley sports in this movie. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Night of the Lepus, the least scary thing involving rabbits since Bugs Bunny dressed up like a woman and seduced Elmer Fudd. - Cyborg Cop 2E173
Cyborg Cop 2Cyborg Cop 2 is the special kind of terrible movie that has failed before you’re even done reading the title. That’s right folks, Cyborg Cop 2 does not even manage to contain a single cyborg cop. Technically, the main character, Jack Ryan (before his shadow was recruited) is a DEA agent, so he is actually neither a cyborg nor a cop. The second thing we should tell you about Cyborg Cop 2 is that multiple characters wear gigantic fanny packs all the time. Like the kind a tourist without any dignity would wear instead of just sporting a sandwich board that says “Please pickpocket me and my idiot family.” The fanny packs are never addressed or commented on. Perhaps they are meant to distract from the fact that there is not a cyborg cop in the movie Cyborg Cop 2. None of the RiffTrax performers have seen Cyborg Cop 1, nor have any members of the writing staff seen Cyborg Cop 1, yet we were able to follow the plot fairly well. This is not meant to imply that we did not have any questions. We did, namely “So is the cop a cyborg?” and “Seriously, is there a cyborg cop in this thing or not?” Take David Carradine’s Future Force, remove the robotic remote controlled arm as it makes the cop too much like a cyborg, and you’ve got Cyborg Cop 2. Strap on your fanny pack and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for low budget action cheese at its finest. Note: contains some pointless nudity. - Super Mario Bros.E174
Super Mario Bros.The world, characters, music, even the sound effects of the Mario video games are among the most iconic entertainment creations of the 20th century. So naturally if you made a Mario movie, you’d want to abandon everything that people liked and recognized about them, and then just in case people were still willing to give it the benefit of the doubt, throw in The Happening star John Leguizamo. Let’s say you went to the cinema hoping to see your favorite character from Mario 3, the red carnivorous fish Big Bertha. Ignoring the fact that you are a moron for your favorite character not being the King of Ice World when he’s been transformed into a seal, you might be disappointed to to learn that in the movie, Big Bertha is instead a large, violent woman with prodigious cleavage who wears S & M-esque garb. (Or maybe you’re into that. In that case, you’re probably not welcome in many of the theaters that were showing Super Mario Bros.) So Big Bertha isn’t a fish, the goombas aren’t tiny, stompable, sentient mushrooms, and there’s nary a Tanooki suit to be found. No big deal, as long as the Mario Brothers are still brothers, right? What’s that? For no apparent reason Luigi is the adopted ward of Mario? Well, maybe it could still work as long as the movie isn’t an incoherent, hideous mess full of shouting and chaos and cheap sets and… Why are you shaking your head sadly? Strap on your Kuribo’s shoes and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill up on Jugem’s Cloud for riffing on the best live action Mario property that doesn’t contain Captain Lou Albano. - Terror at TenkillerE175
Terror at TenkillerFollow-up to the rarely seen, totally imaginary films Ennui at Eightkiller and Nausea at Ninekiller, Terror at Tenkiller really brings the goods! And by “the goods” we mostly mean there’s a character named Tor in it. Seriously, at this point the Venn diagram of “movies featuring a character or actor named Tor” and “movies we have riffed” must be approaching a perfect circle. Why does this keep happening? We don’t know, but you can be sure an insane scientist in some B movie is hard at work on the answer, and that his name is Tor! This particular Tor lives at a lake called Tenkiller, where his hobbies include boat maintenance, wearing upsettingly tiny shorts, and purifying the world of unclean people with murder. Oh, that Tor! He works with Preacher, an old creep whose voice seems to have been dubbed in a bathroom stall by a sleepy hillbilly. When two cute college coeds show up at the lake to get away from an overbearing boyfriend, and the fact that they’re somehow roommates despite a 15 year age difference, it’s time for terror! And phone calls. And long conversations about restaurant management. And naps. And people waking up from naps. And peaceful walks to the dock. But mostly, the first thing! What was it again? Oh yeah, TERROR! Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and Tor for a relaxing spa murder weekend to Terror at Tenkiller! - Fist of FuryE176
Fist of FuryFist of Fury! The 1972 Bruce Lee classic! Not to be confused with Fists of Fury, or Jackie Chan’s New Fists of Fury, or Fist of Fury II starring Bruce Li (who himself is not to be confused with Bruce Lee). Oh and also, Fist of Fury is known by a couple other names, The Chinese Connection and The Iron Hand, don’t let that confuse you either! Here’s a good way to keep all these movies straight: this is the one where a guy named Bruce takes on a bunch of corrupt bad guys and kicks everyone’s butt real good. There, that clears it up, right? It’s a good old-fashioned Hong Kong revenge story. Bruce’s martial arts teacher is killed by members of a rival martial arts school (spoiler: Bruce roars “TEACHERRRR!” at the thundering heavens quite a bit when he hears about this) and, wouldn’t you know it, decides to undertake a one-man mission of vengeance, pitting his Chinese school against their Japanese enemies. It’s kinda like the “slobs vs. snobs” setup of Caddyshack, except with a lot less gopher dancing and a lot more deep ethnic animosity. Fun! So tense your whole body, make some strange bird sounds, punch a guy to death while you’re not even looking at him, and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Fist of Fury! - Sisters of DeathE177
Sisters of DeathA game of Russian roulette at a sorority initiation goes tragically awry: one of the guns does not kill the pledge! The other one does. We gather that was supposed to happen. Sisters of Death; it’s right there in the sorority name after all. What were you expecting, a pimp and ho mixer with Delta house? But it turns out that the father of the girl who dies is a total drama queen about his “daughter” being “murdered” and decides to go all Liam Neeson in Taken on her sorority sisters. Well, not exactly like Liam Neeson in Taken. He doesn’t so much kick butt as he does lure people to a luxury vacation rental where he provides them with free booze and a pool. And he doesn’t issue chilling phone threats about his set of skills as much as he plays the flute. But he has a spider! We think... It may have just been in the house already when he rented it. When the girls start dropping one by one, they start to realize that maybe accepting money from a complete stranger to get in the car with two other complete strangers (one of whom has a complete distrust of light bulbs) for no specified reason may not have been a wise idea. It’s up to them to find out who’s behind this scheme (the dead girl’s father) and why he wants them all dead (because they killed his dead daughter.) Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they pledge Delta Gamma and get initiated into the Sisters of Death! - Attack of the Puppet PeopleE178
Attack of the Puppet PeopleWhen a dollmaker’s wife leaves him, which of the following does he do? A) Reflects inward on his failed marriage, seizes the opportunity for self-improvement, starts working out, embraces meditation, and emerges a better man. B) Starts putting away a twelve pack before noon every day, eating week old Chinese takeout, and getting really into English Premier League soccer as a means of ignoring his sorrows. C) Starts shrinking people down into a collection of miniature doll-people for no real reason. If you guessed C, then congratulations, you’re clearly a madman bent on ill-fated schemes of varying degrees of lunacy. And no you can’t borrow our shrinking ray. Attack of the Puppet People tells the story of such a madman, and the unfortunate woman who stumbles across his scheme while working as a secretary at his doll factory. That’s right, he makes dolls, and turns people into dolls, and dolls are probably found in a section of the toy store close to puppets, hence: Attack of the Puppet People. There is a puppet show in the movie, but it isn’t a result of the madman. It’s the result of another madman, it supposedly played on Broadway, and you will not believe your eyes when you see it. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Attack of the Puppet People, classic 60s B movie cheese that is almost as scary as that Roberto Benigni version of Pinocchio! - City of the DeadE179
City of the DeadVisit the scenic City of the Dead! Just up the road from the Village of the Damned and a hop, skip and a jump away from the Municipality of the Mildly Bloated. This is vintage horror stuff. A sleepy northeastern town, still under the shadow of the witchcraft trials it once held, a town that’s now somehow completely forgotten by the world despite existing in the middle of New England in the 1960s. Get out your vintage horror bingo card and prepare to check off things like “elderly gas station attendant who warns people not to go up that road.” Yes, all your favorite cliches are here! Speaking of vintage horror cliches: Christopher Lee! Before he was Saruman, before he was…*sigh*…Dooku, he was a professor of the occult with a penchant for sending pretty young female students off to dangerous, devil-worshipping towns. Might he turn out to be secretly evil? For your answer, we remind you again that this is Christopher Lee. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for a road trip to the City of the Dead! Because hey, it’s still gotta be better than Fort Worth. - Zindy the Swamp BoyE180
Zindy the Swamp BoyRiding the tail end of the great Swamp Boy movie craze of the early 70s (see: Columbo the Swamp Boy, McCloud the Swamp Boy, Maude the Swamp Boy) Zindy the Swamp Boy effectively ended the genre. And for good reason: it violated one of the sacred tenants of the swamp boy genre: do not cast the annoying little kid who played Zindy as your swamp boy. Unfortunately, Zindy was cast in the movie because the director is his father, Rene Cardona Jr, who also made the previously RiffTrax-’d The Bermuda Triangle and Treasure of The Amazon. Unlike those movies, Zindy does not have a killer doll or a nazi hunting Donald Pleasance. It does however have a chimp that does the dishes, gator wrestling, and the world’s most deadly two square feet of quicksand. When Zindy’s grandfather discovers his son and daughter-in-law have been hospitalized, he does what we’d all do: flee the premises leaving them to die and guns down the man he believes is responsible. Then he gathers up their infant grandson and moves in with a chimp named Toribio. They move into the swamp, right? WRONG. Turns out Zindy the Swamp Boy is actually forbidden from entering the swamp, or more specifically the swamp zone. Yep, it’s that kind of movie. Sadly, Zindy also plays the flute, so you quickly begin to root for a quick outbreak of malaria to sweep through the swamp and all attached zones. Fortunately, the movie has an ending so wonderful that you’ll want to start the movie over as soon as it’s done, just to relive everything you just saw with the knowledge of where it’s leading. To say any more would be a disservice to you. Please watch, and experience Zindy The Swamp Boy for the first time. - The Bride and the BeastE181
The Bride and the BeastWe’ve seen so many big screen weddings that they’ve begun to feel a touch cliched. Yes yes, the handsome husband sweeps the beautiful bride off her feet. Blah blah, he carries her over the threshold. Yada yada yada, he takes her down to the basement to meet the gorilla named Spanky that he keeps in a cage down there that he had never mentioned owning until that very moment. Etc etc, the chimp escapes and attacks the bride, triggering a relapse to a previous life when she lived as a gorilla herself, interrupted only when the husband guns Spanky down in cold blood. And then they return three of the extra fondue pots they got as wedding gifts. This is the plot of The Bride and the Beast as written by one Ed Wood. This time around, instead of balling it up in Albuquerque, our characters go on on a honeymoon in Africa. You might think that since a main character has revealed that she was a gorilla in a previous life, this might affect the plot in some way. At least they spend the majority of the movie around gorillas in some capacity. Clearly you have never seen an Ed Wood movie before. No my friend, the plot revolves around deadly tigers, which we think were the alien’s Plan 10. The tigers are played by Fake Bela Lugosi. The Bride and the Beast is full of bad gorilla suits, absurd stock footage, and last minute realizations that “Oh yeah, this was supposed to be about gorillas, wasn’t it?” Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this RiffTrax of The Bride and the Beast. - Jack the Giant KillerE182
Jack the Giant KillerThe cheesy 1962 fantasy epic Jack the Giant Killer is back, in newly recorded studio form! This one’s got it all: stop motion dragons, a leprechaun who lives in a bottle, a Viking who turns into a dog… it’s like if your hyper little brother wrote and directed Game of Thrones. Not to be confused with the recent Jack the Giant Slayer (just kidding, we know you weren’t confused and likely forgot that remake existed until this very moment) this movie keeps it old school, and answers the question “what would Ray Harryhausen style special effects look like if you didn’t hire Ray Harryhausen?” It also answers the question “would it be funny if a leprechaun in a bottle kept yelling ‘SEIZE A BONE’?” with a resounding yes, yes that would be very funny. Originally riffed live in Nashville, now updated and recorded fresh and extra Giant-Killing-y, say “Be right there!” to Mike, Kevin, and Bill and join them in mourning Herla the Wizard (poor, sweet Herla) for the fun of Jack the Giant Killer! - YambaóE183
YambaóYambaó! No, it’s not a dopey social media app you’d never heard of until it was purchased by Google for billions of dollars. Nor is it a miracle cleaning solution sold in 90s infomercials for only $19.99, including a bonus travel-sized tube of Yambaó. Yambaó, quite simply, is Yambaó, and there’s nothing else quite like Yambaó. It’s also entirely possible we just enjoy saying Yambaó. Yambaó (AKA Cry of the Bewitched, but why would you call it that when you can call it Yambaó) takes place on a sugarcane plantation in Cuba in the 1850s, and centers on the love triangle between a master, one of his slaves, and Yambaó, the mysterious dancing granddaughter of a sorceress who lives in the wilderness - yeah, we know, another one of those dang Cuban plantation witch love triangle movies we’re always doing. It’s weird, it’s fun, it’s flirty, there’s a cave granny with evil magic powers, it’s Yambaó! - The Last Slumber PartyE184
The Last Slumber PartySlumber parties! What could be more terrifying?? Thrill as a rented movie is watched! Chill as a boy someone likes is called and hung up on!! Squirm as ice cream is devoured directly from the container!!! OK, maybe slumber parties are not actually that terrifying. The one featured in The Last Slumber Party, despite the presence of a scalpel toting psychopath is no exception to this rule. This is because any hint of terror that might arise from the idea of high schoolers being murdered is completely negated by the VHS video quality, amateur sound, and baffling dialogue such as “Who’d you think it was, Shelley Hack?” It’s the last day of school, and one thing is on everyone’s mind: whether or not they are talking to Shelley Hack. In order to solve this problem, they gather at a friend’s house, where the oblivious parents fail to notice that the boys sneaking in and out of the house are in fact d-bags. All is good and stupid until an escaped lobotomy patient shows up and instantly becomes the most intelligent, well-mannered character in the movie. The fashion is 80s, the soundtrack is hair metal, the poster on the wall is inexplicably of Sesame Street, and the Shelley Hack references are more abundant than every other RiffTrax we’ve ever done combined. Slip into your footie pajamas and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Last Slumber Party! Original film made in 1988. - The Beast of the Yellow NightE185
The Beast of the Yellow NightBeast of the Yellow Night! No, it’s not a cleverly-named Simpsons Treehouse of Horror segment, it’s a movie! A movie about a man named Langdon and his deal with the devil. Langdon’s deal doesn’t involve a fiddle made of gold, it’s more about turning into a monster with a face straight out of the mask section at Spencer’s Gifts. Also the devil is not so much the traditional “pitchfork and horns” type, he’s more of a fat ghost with a bad hairline who travels with his own fog machine. And the fog machine seems to break down a lot. But hey, are you a fan of “yellow nights”??? Because the movie doesn’t actually have any of those. As far as we can tell, Langdon is some kind of undead murder spirit, sent by the fat devil ghost to do evil stuff at different points in history. Like Quantum Leap, but with slightly more cannibalism. This incarnation finds him in a beautiful home, with a beautiful wife, but rather than asking himself “how did I get here?” or just enjoying this luxurious life, he gets mad and ruins it all. If none of this is making sense, keep in mind the filmmakers didn’t even bother to specify a setting for their movie more clearly than “A Country in Southeast Asia.” Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill in going completely mad trying to figure out what exactly is supposed to be happening in Beast of the Yellow Night! - Dinosaurus!E186
Dinosaurus!Time for Dinosaurus! Not to be confused with Dinosaur U.S., the traveling show where patriotic velociraptors do a leggy synchronized dance to entertain the troops. No, Dinosaurus is a vintage 60s monster flick, complete with a caveman and drunk-looking stop motion dinosaurs (or are they dinosauruses? It’s never quite clear). The dinos find themselves unfrozen on an island chock full of stereotypes (stereotypuses?) including a square-jawed hero, a fat man-child sidekick named Dumpy, a kid who knows what’s really going on but gosh, gee golly, nobody will listen to him, and O’Leary, an Irishman so drunk and cartoonish he single-handedly inspired the formation of the Irish Anti-Defamation League. And, last but not least, the Island Manager (which is apparently a thing) whose hat and beard and general sliminess might just remind you of a certain fella whose interests include keeping the Master happy and slow pizza delivery. It’s not about DinosaurMe, it’s not about DinosaurYou, it’s about DinosaurUs. We love this one and think you will too, join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Dinosaurus! - The Sword and the SorcererE187
The Sword and the SorcererAnd the 80s said, “let there be fantasy movies,” and there were fantasy movies, and they were good. Well, they weren’t really. But lo, raise thy flagon to the 80s, for through the mists of legendry* (*actual phrase from the movie) they bring us The Sword and the Sorcerer! Before George R.R. Martin ever Gamed a Throne, The Sword and the Sorcerer had a witch bringing forth a hideous monster, a noble family of good guys getting wiped out, and even a Red Wedding! Or at least a Magenta Wedding. It also has a three-bladed sword that shoots blades, the kind of idea that seems like it could only have been pitched by an 8 year old boy right after the phrase “You know what would be COOL?” Follow the adventures of our hero, Talon, a rogue/warrior/buccaneer/general/upholsterer/freelance architect/hooker with a heart of gold, as he gets vengeance and shoots his sword and swings on ropes and whatnot, y’know, hero stuff. It’s high fantasy, just like the blacklight posters and pewter figurines at Spencer’s Gifts envisioned! Join The Mike and The Bill and The Kevin for The Sword and the Sorcerer! - R.O.T.O.R.E188
R.O.T.O.R.R.O.T.O.R. could be described as The Room meets Cyborg Cop 2, and if that makes any sense to you at all then you know how excited we are about it! It’s an embarrassment of riches, where to begin? Our hero Captain J.B. Coldyron, police robotics genius and ranch owner, whose dialogue was all dubbed by a different actor and written by a different species? The goofy office robot who somehow possesses more sophisticated intelligence than the dangerous “advanced” prototype on the loose, aka R.O.T.O.R.? Or what the acronym R.O.T.O.R. itself stands for: Robotic Officer of the Tactical Operations Research. Yes, the last word in the killer police robot’s name is Research, for some reason. Except later in the movie, when it suddenly stands for Reserve instead. Why? If you want an explanation, you’d better ask Shoeboogie, the wacky Native American janitor who loves to dance. Actually, don’t ask Shoeboogie anything, it’s probably best to avoid all eye contact with Shoeboogie. Coldyron! Research! Shoeboogie! If you say those words real fast they kind of sound like a song, but they’re also three of the many reasons you should join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the wonder of wonders that is R.O.T.O.R.! - Hawk the SlayerE189
Hawk the SlayerIf you took a Dungeons & Dragons adventure written hastily by an 8th grader during study hall and turned it into a movie, you’d wind up with something a lot like Hawk the Slayer. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how they actually got the script. But this movie has something that no D&D adventure can claim: Jack Palance. A whole lot of Jack Palance. Specifically MEGA-EVIL Jack Palance, playing a character named Voltan. He yells, kills, yells, whisper-threatens, whisper-yells, kills, and mostly just yells his way across the countryside. Seems no one can stop him until his brother Hawk - yes, his brother, despite being about 40 years younger - gathers an elf, a dwarf, and a giant to take him down. Not as much dignity as a Fellowship of the Ring, more of a… Crew of the Stuff. Keen-eyed fans may recognize the dwarf from our release Prisoners of the Lost Universe. Also, the actor playing Hawk went on to portray Jack’s dad in Lost -- hmmm, Prisoners of the LOST Universe, LOST, time to dig up your old Lost conspiracy theories because there’s something happening here, IT’S ALL CONNECTED. Join Mike, Kevin and Bill for a heaping helping of Jack the Palance and Hawk the Slayer! Original film made in 1980. - GodzillaE190
GodzillaDecades before somebody had the revolutionary idea to do a Godzilla remake that was “good” or “cool”, Hollywood hired the director of 2012 to make one that would be neither of those things but would instead have an ad campaign co-starring the Taco Bell chihuahua. Matthew Broderick stars as Dr. Niko Tatopoulos, because obviously when you have a character named Niko Tatopoulos, you get Matthew Broderick to play him. Co-starring is the hit Puff Daddy single “Almost Certainly the Low Point of Jimmy Page’s Career” (Sample lyrics: Uh-huh, Yeah, uuh / Uh-huh, Yeah, uuh.) And in all the commercials they showed that part where the guy gets stomped on. Somehow this is a two and a half hour long movie. About as scary as the Tamagotchi you had back in 1998 and about as loud and obnoxious as the Prodigy CD you were listening to that summer, Godzilla was one of the biggest RiffTrax Live titles we’ve ever done. Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and roughly 82% of the cast of The Simpsons for this studio MP3 version of Godzilla! Original film made in 1998. - Fun in BalloonlandE191
Fun in BalloonlandWe would say that Fun In Balloonland is our favorite RiffTrax movie that we've ever done, but there’s just one problem: it’s hard to really describe it as a movie. It is an event. To attempt to describe its plot to you would be like attempting to divide by zero. There are balloons, there are kids, there is a parade, and there were mercifully cameras rolling to capture the madness. It’s a spectacle so cracked and baffling that you’ll have to double check to make sure it wasn’t recorded at Pirates World, home of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. In fact, the Ice Cream Bunny would have taken one look at this flick and begged off saying “Too weird for me man! Even I have my limits! Oh whoops, lost another kid off the back of the fire engine. Well, you’re gonna get that.” Fun In Balloon Land throws a whole casserole of crazy at the screen: kindergartners in gold lamé diapers, giant Indian stereotypes, a maniac of a parade host, blow fish who halfheartedly tell jokes, a lengthy guessing game, The Farmer In The Dell, two headed cats, and something called The Marrying Turkey. Then Santa shows up. Trust us, it will all make sense when you sit down and watch it.* We've been holding this one back for the holiday season ever since we discovered it at the beginning of the year and we’re delighted to finally present—no, unleash would be the better word—we’re delighted to unleash it to all of you. Please join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and the Marrying Turkey for: Fun In Balloonland. *100% untrue. - Wonder Women
E192Wonder WomenA fiendish super-villain is kidnapping star jai alai players in order to harvest their organs! Even more shocking, someone pitched that plot to a Hollywood executive and they said “Yes, we’ll make that movie!” And when you want an obscure paddle sport champion kidnapped, there’s only one group to turn to: The Wonder Women! No job is too big, no outfit too skimpy, no catfight with fellow Wonder Women worth passing up! (Warning: Please note that we said Women, not Woman. This movie does not contain any invisible airplanes or golden lassos. If you or a loved one dons an American flag style leotard at any point during the viewing, please consult a doctor, especially if it’s grandpa doing the donning.) The only thing that stands in their way is Ross Hagen. Well, Ross Hagen and several thousand Filipino citizens who were apparently unaware that a movie was being filmed and literally stand in the way during the movie’s several chase scenes. Fortunately, their lives were endangered, quite possibly lost, for a quality production, one that uses something called “Brain Sex” as a central plot point. Mike, Kevin, and Bill don Linda Carter’s Bracelets of Submission to riff Wonder Women, the rare sort of movie that manages to rip off Charlie’s Angels despite coming out three years before Charlie’s Angels. - The Dark PowerE193
The Dark PowerHollywood legend Lash LaRue returns to the silver screen in this thrilling tale of zombies, the occult, and stretching the definition of “Hollywood legend” as far as our lawyers will allow us! Lash LaRue, as you’ll undoubtedly recall, was famous for being playing a cowboy that used a whip. In every movie he was in, he found a way to pick up a whip and crack it a few times. Cattle rustlers? Whip! Pistols at dawn? Whip! Bankrupt from loss of cattle because trying to stop cattle rustlers with just a whip is incredibly stupid? Whip! Dead from ignoring the pistols part of pistols at dawn and instead bringing a—Well, you get the idea. Yes, Lash and his whip were inseparable. It’s even claimed that he taught Harrison Ford how to use the bullwhip! Sadly for Lash, he was providing his “whip lessons” on the set of Regarding Henry, and was escorted off the lot by security after startling Harrison in the bathroom. But that didn’t stop Lash, and he’s still flinging his whip around in The Dark Power. And it’s a good thing too, because four ancient Toltec Indian chiefs have risen from the dead and are terrorizing a house full of college students who don’t look a day over 32. Turns out that defiling their burial ground was a bad idea! Who knew? Can Lash drive his Chrysler there with his blinker on the entire way before the students are picked off one by one? Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this RiffTrax to find out! - Kiss of the TarantulaE194
Kiss of the TarantulaDid you ever watch the movie Carrie and think, “hm, pretty good, but her creepy home life wasn’t nearly creepy enough”? Then boy, have we got something for you! Meet Susan. She’s just like any other troubled teen, except her dad is an undertaker, their house is a mortuary full of corpses, she’s got a sleazy uncle who’s around a little too often, and a room full of pet tarantulas who do her bidding. And what’s her bidding, exactly? Revenge murder against those who’ve wronged her, of course! And how exactly do the tarantulas kill her enemies, given that tarantulas are really not that dangerous to humans? Well, they… um... you’ll just have to watch the movie and see if you can figure it out, because we really can’t. Some of the slowest murders in film history, a final sequence so drawn out that the first time we screened it we were in tears (the laughing kind of tears, mostly), and middle-aged teenagers galore! Time to pucker up for your Kiss of the Tarantula! - Alien OutlawE195
Alien OutlawWhen you see a title like Alien Outlaw, you know to expect one thing: a heavy focus on rural gunfighting shows and the agencies that book them to regional fairs. What’s that? You expect some quantity of alien outlaw activity? Well, there is some of that, sure, a small amount. But surely the next thing you expect is a healthy dose of elderly whipmaster Lash LaRue, sort of wandering around the set and shouting things at other characters? And that he’ll be shirtless at some point? Okay, good, glad we’re on the same page there at least. When last we saw Lash LaRue he was fighting ancient Native American zombies over a sacred rental property in The Dark Power. This time he and his protégé, the young pantsless gunfighting phenom Jesse Jamison, are defending a tiny mountain community from alien outlaws - no, that’s not a typo, despite the title Alien Outlaw there are actually multiple alien outlaws in this movie. It’s also not entirely clear that they’re outlaws, and it’s even less clear why they came to Earth or what their plans are at any point in the story. But one thing’s for sure: they love old-timey Wild West gunfights! Because okay, why not! Homemade Predator costumes, Lash LaRue AND his fat hillbilly sidekick buddy from The Dark Power, an alien killed with a fishing hook, what more could anyone ask for? For Lash to use the whipping talent that made him famous at some point in the movie, maybe? Good luck with that! It’s time for befuddlement and laughter, join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Alien Outlaw! - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)E196
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)It is a tale as old as time: four turtles are exposed to a mutagen and grow up to annoy the living crap out of every adult within earshot. They form distinct, marketable personalities and headband colors: nerd, joker, leader who seems to not grasp that a long sharp sword can actually cut things, and cool but rude.* Then, when a major entertainment conglomerate deems it long enough since the last movie to be financially prudent, they emerge from the sewers and onto the silver screen. Occasionally Splinter makes a funny. This iteration was not without controversy, however! Turtles fans were outraged when Witwicky love interest Megan Fox was cast as April O’Neil. Many complained that she was completely wrong for the role, and that the only true April O’Neil was Judith Hoag, Paige Turco, Renae Jacobs, Veronica Taylor, or perhaps Sarah Michelle Gellar. Fortunately, Ms. Fox delivers a subtly nuanced performance, and is often the most realistic looking thing on screen. Mike, Kevin, and Bill take on the winner of our “Worst Movie of 2014” poll, TMNT! *It has come to our attention that there is a faction who interpret the theme song lyrics as “Raphael is cool but crude.” These people are literally worse than everyone who was tried at Nuremberg combined. - AnacondaE197
AnacondaThere’s riffs out there this big?? One of our favorites, now available as a studio riff, the movie that’s been called “Probably one of the top four films in the Anaconda series,” Anaconda! Anaconda stars a pre-fame Jennifer Lopez, a post-fame Eric Stoltz, and an Owen Wilson who even then was somehow ashamed of his role in The Internship despite it not happening for another sixteen years. With the help of Ice Cube (Straight Outta Compton, F@%& Da Police, Are We Done Yet?) they set off into the Amazon in search of those drones they claimed were going to revolutionize package delivery. Then Eric Stoltz gets stung and paralyzed by a venomous wasp, so things are really looking up for our crew when they encounter Jon Voight. Voight has been obsessed with hunting down a deadly anaconda ever since the snake tricked him into selling his beloved Chrysler LeBaron to George Costanza. From then on, things spiral into a deadly game of cat and mouse, one where the cat is played by a snake, and the mouse is played by Danny Trejo. And, as if that wasn't enough, at one point the anaconda spits a monkey right at a man’s face! How many movies can say that? Don’t miss out! Original film made in 1997. - The Hideous Sun DemonE198
The Hideous Sun DemonThis is the tale of a man who transforms into a violent lizard creature whenever he’s in the sun too long. No, he’s not the third wheel love interest in an upcoming Twilight reboot, he’s The Hideous Sun Demon! It’s the late 50s, a time when exposure to radiation still caused fun stuff, like superpowers and shape-changing, as opposed to less fun stuff, like, y’know, death. After some radioactive material falls off the toy train the scientists use to transport it through the lab (actual plot point, not a joke) mild-mannered genius drunk Dr. Gilbert McKenna is changed forever. Sunlight turns him into a reptile man-monster, presumably because that’s the rubber suit that was cheapest to rent when they made this movie. But not cheap enough for them to rent the bottom part of the suit, apparently, because he runs around in totally soaked khaki pants for roughly half the movie. Why are his pants so wet? That’s just part of the mystery! It’s a superhuman dose of old-fashioned nuclear mutation fun, stay out of direct sunlight and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for The Hideous Sun Demon! - The Incredible 2-Headed TransplantE199
The Incredible 2-Headed TransplantBruce Dern has it all: A beautiful wife. An expensive house with a pool. A two headed monkey. Casey Kasem for a neighbor. And yet, he’s feeling unfulfilled, perhaps because— What’s that? Oh, you’re right, we did kind of just gloss right over the unusual part of that sentence. Yes, Top 40 DJ Casey Kasem is Bruce’s neighbor. He’s always stopping by to deliver a long distance dedication or prattle on about some dead dog while Bruce is trying to do important stuff, like attach heads to a monkey or an idiot manchild. For you see, Bruce’s entirely normal pastime is figuring out how graft additional heads onto things. Why? Why did Michelangelo paint? Why did Mozart compose? Man is compelled to create, and sometimes what he creates is as stupid as a serial killer’s head sewn onto a local hillbilly’s shoulder. Needless to say, this does not go well. (Both being neighbors with Casey Kasem and the whole 'manufacturing godless abominations in the guest room you converted into a lab' thing.) Come for the mutant in overalls, stay for the wife in a cage, it’s all here in The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant! - Radical JackE200
Radical Jack“We should rip off Road House and Billy Ray Cyrus should play Dalton!” There are two types of people in this world: those who read the above sentence and immediately lapsed into fits of hysterical, table-pounding, pants-wetting laughter. And then the other .00001% of people, who thought “Sounds good to me! Is Michelle Pfeiffer’s sister available to play the love interest?” We have that .00001% to thank for Radical Jack. Eight long years after "Achy Breaky Heart" came out, and approximately 7 years, 364 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 34 seconds after the first jukebox playing "Achy Breaky Heart" was smashed with a pool cue, American cinemas got the movie they needed. Except, minor detail, it was actually released direct to video in Russia. Which makes a lot of sense once you see Radical Jack. Fans of Road House will recognize the key points: a loner with a mysterious past comes to town and finds employment at a local dive bar. A local arms dealer has grown rich running the town, despite the fact that its population appears to hover around 35 people. Occasionally Billy Ray takes breaks from doing construction to pour water all over himself in slow motion while seductive music plays1. The only thing missing is the Monster Truck. Once you see the budget on this thing, you’ll understand why they had to leave it out. And Radical Jack doesn’t just rip off one of our all time favorite RiffTrax titles! Shot in Rutland, VT, it features the very time machine from Time Chasers itself!! (AKA, a crappy, weathered small airplane.) Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Radical Jack. Just don’t tell their lips, their fingertips, or various other body parts. 1 This never actually happened in the version of Road House that was shown in theaters, but it does in the one that airs on a loop in our hearts. - To Catch a YetiE201
To Catch a YetiTo Catch a Yeti. To live a dream. To Meat a Loaf. Some things just seem too good to be true. Meat Loaf, in a movie about a bigfoot? But Meat Loaf isn’t playing the bigfoot? Might seem disappointing, until you find out Meat is instead playing the world’s greatest hunter, Big Jake Grizzly, and his prey is a yeti that’s 2 feet tall and makes the puppetry in Mac & Me look like high art. Even calling the yeti a puppet is really an exaggeration, since basically all it can do is sit still and whimper and blink. But that doesn’t stop it from doing some rad skateboard moves1, because hey, it’s the 90s!!! (1radical skateboard moves = someone dropped this stuffed animal disaster on a board and kicked it down a hill) Against all notions of reason and good taste, a little girl is charmed by the creature and makes him her friend. But there’s also an evil little rich boy (who somehow manages to be even more detestable than the yeti and ‘Loaf COMBINED) who wants the hideous goggle-eyed creature for himself. It all leads to a thrilling hijinks-filled showdown in New York City...or at least, the best fake approximation of New York City to be found in a production so Canadian your screen will ooze maple syrup. Maple syrup, Meat Loaf, a horrific puppet, and more things you’ll never want to eat again after To Catch a Yeti! - Rock 'n' Roll NightmareE202
Rock 'n' Roll NightmareRock n Roll Nightmare is what you’d get if Mötley Crüe guest hosted The Muppet Show. But it turns out it wasn’t Mötley Crüe, it was a Mötley Crüe tribute band. And it wasn’t The Muppets, it was some scrap foam from the Muppet factory that fused together when the dumpster behind the studio got too hot and a bum stuck googly eyes on it. And it wasn’t a Mötley Crüe tribute band, it was a sizeable pile of industrial ooze that was struck by lightning and achieved basic sentience and learned rudimentary musicianship. Wait, that actually may be Mötley Crüe... Yes, Rock n Roll Nightmare combines the exciting worlds of hair metal and hideous puppets! The Tritonz have rented a house in rural Canada. Their ambitious goal? To record ten new minutes of music. For this they have set aside an entire month. Little do they know that years earlier, or perhaps the previous day, an Oven Skeleton killed the family that lived in the house (just stay with us.) Needless to say, this causes any number of unspeakable horrors to happen, namely the full length performances of several Tritonz songs and the sight of singer Jon Mikl Thor’s butt in the shower. Also, a literal portal to hell opens up and the devil and several of his minions come through. Be warned, these scenes are not for the faint of heart, as a few of these puppets are slightly scarier and more grotesque than Baby Sinclair on Dinosaurs. Like Spinal Tap recording The Basement Tapes on the set of Labyrinth if it was written by Otto from The Simpsons, Rock n Roll Nightmare is some serious 80s cheese. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill to talk about rock, around the clock, because their energy has got them where they wanna be. - Fever LakeE203
Fever LakeWell, Save my Bell and Lost my Boys, it’s Mario Lopez and Corey Haim! In Fever Lake, A.C. Slater and The Other Corey™ are college kids, or possibly high school students, depending on what part of the film you’re watching. They, a sex-crazed buddy, and some female teen-adults leave whatever kind of school it might be for a trip out to a cabin in an equally vague rural location, Fever Lake! Might it be the kind of cabin with a dark past that “nobody goes up to anymore”? Starring those Tiger Beat heartthrobs and Bo Hopkins as a grizzled cop, Fever Lake is a good clean old-fashioned horror movie the whole family can enjoy. - Stone ColdE204
Stone ColdStone Cold tells the story of John Cold, a renegade cop played by failed NFL player Brian Bosworth, whose most notable football accomplishment was having a bad haircut. We’re just kidding of course. The character’s name is John Stone. Otherwise that first sentence would be ridiculous. When the FBI wants to bust a notorious biker gang by sending in an undercover agent, there’s only one choice: John Stone, who is sure to blend in since he walks around with what looks to be a piece of roadkill that got run over by a bleach truck glued to his head. Inside the gang he meets bikers with names like Ice, Gut, Chains, AWOL, Beetle, Sarge, General Halftrack, and Miss Buxley. At first everything is going great, but then it turns out that the murderous, drug-dealing nazis are actually kind of a bunch of dicks. So Stone is forced to take them out the only way he knows out: by maximizing civilian casualties and property damage. Despite Boz not being an actor, or even able to tackle Bo Jackson, Stone Cold turned out spectacular. Like, “launching an unmanned motorcycle into a helicopter to bring it down on the courthouse steps” spectacular. Stone Cold is like if you wadded up all the Fast & Furious movies into one gelatinous ball, replaced all the crap about "family" with maniacs who shoot beer cans off each others heads with machine guns, and then fired it out of a shark you’d somehow transformed into a bazooka. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for a RiffTrax that’s so 80s, they legally couldn’t put it out until the 90s! - Julie and JackE205
Julie and JackBefore he made Birdemic, James Nguyen made Julie and Jack. All the familiar Nguyen trademarks are there: poor Tippi Hedren. Blown out white balance. Characters announcing they are going to purchase Ferraris after their company is bought out and their stock options are fully vested for a childishly round number (seriously, that specific scenario happens in both his movies!) But while Birdemic explored the issue of global warming with the nuance of Grover explaining the terms ‘Near’ and ‘Far’ to a three year old, Julie and Jack attempts to delve into the deepest philosophical question of them all: what does it mean to truly love someone? Needless to say, this goes very poorly. Nguyen shoots in a wide variety of exotic offices that he definitely used to work at, or at least deliver things too. The cast features some familiar faces from Birdemic, as well as actors that were evidently too crappy to cast in Birdemic. - MegaforceE206
Megaforce1982. The decade of the action hero was underway. Within years, catchphrase-mumbling sentient biceps like Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Guttenburg would come to dominate the cinemas. Audiences hungered for mayhem, bloodshed, and for a very brief period of time, Billy Zabka. What they got instead was Megaforce. Named “Movie of the Year” by critics from a diverse array of publications including “Upsetting Jumpsuit Enthusiast,” “Dweeby Dirtbike Review,” and “Our Memories are Severely Clouded by Nostalgia Monthly,” Megaforce made film history by giving lead character Barry Bostwick both a funny headband and a funny hairstyle. They would prove to be the film’s most enduring legacy. Some viewers may criticize its paper-thin plot, tedious action sequences of no consequence, and overall cheap feel despite having a shockingly high budget for the era. To this we respond: funny headband and funny hairstyle. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill (who do not) for the oft-requested RiffTrax of Megaforce! - The Magic SwordE207
The Magic SwordMeet George. He’s twenty, unemployed, lives at home, and spends his free time using a magic pool to spy on nude women while they are taking baths. If the movie were taking place in present times, George probably would have already called you something horrible in a comment section today. But somehow he is the hero of our story. Standing in George’s way is the evil wizard Lodac, who intends to feed the Princess to his pet dragon. After confirming that she will not be nude when she is fed to the dragon, George decides to rescue her. Fortunately, he has an ace up his sleeve: the birthday presents that his mommy gave him. At this point we should acknowledge that George is not exactly Liam Neeson in Taken. These presents include some magic armor, a magic horse, and yes, a magic sword. The armor filed a grievance against the producers when the movie title was announced, while the horse merely continued filling his dung sack. Along the way, Jack, er, Arthur, er, Jon Snow, er, GEORGE is helped by a band of merry knights, all of whom seem to be participating in a “who can do the worst accent” contest. (SPOILER: The Irish guy wins.) They also encounter an ogre, a hag, elves, and pretty much everything else that you can find on the “List of Fantasy Clichés” Wikipedia page. Spells will be cast! Heroes will be born! Bones will be seized! Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and a horse that may or may not be magical, we don’t know since the title doesn’t address it, for The Magic Sword! - RollergatorE208
RollergatorIf you scooped a pile of goo out of a backed-up gutter, submerged a pair of electrodes into it, fed it a slurry of protein rich nutrients while sending jolts of ever-increasing voltages of electricity through until it demonstrated the most basic signs of what could technically be considered life, then immediately handed the pile of goo a video camera, it is impossible that it would make a worse movie than Rollergator. Why is it so bad? Let’s start with the ultra cliched plot: The talking, purple, almost twelve year old alligator is on the run from the skateboard ninja who is employed by the evil carnival owner. We know, we’ve heard it a million times. But here’s where Rollergator differs from all the other talking animals the 90s gave us. Get this: he’s totally in your face. We’re talking x-treme with a capital X, ‘tude with a capital ‘. Does he rap? Please. You may as well ask if Poochie ever hitchhiked to the fireworks factory. Standing in the way of Rollergator’s goal of endorsing every Blue Razzberry flavored product that 1996 had to offer is Joe Estevez. Joe is the villain, because he merely wants to put Rollergator in a cage, whereas the rest of humanity wants him destroyed in the quickest way possible. Joe thinks people will pay a pretty penny to see Rollergator quip at them. What he doesn’t realize is that nobody will be able to hear Rollergator’s quips because SOME HORRIBLE MUSICIAN IS PLAYING THE SAME AWFUL ACOUSTIC GUITAR RIFF OVER 98% OF THE MOVIE!!! Shot on video without any fancy pants “microphones” or “lights” or “permits to record here”, Rollergator is truly something to behold. We’re not saying this is the worst movie we’ve ever done here at RiffTrax, but that’s only because we aren’t being asked to do so under penalty of perjury. Please join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Rollergator. - Manos: The Hands of FateE209
Manos: The Hands of FateMany years ago the people of El Paso, Texas gave their money to a local fertilizer salesman and said, “Go make us the best horror movie you can make.” The result, "Manos" The Hand of Fate, is an object lesson in why you should never give your money to an El Paso fertilizer salesman. Manos has it all: teens making out, luggage fetching scenes, The Master, Torgo... Did The African Queen have a Torgo? We think not! Did Casablanca have teens making out? It did not! Did The Master have a The Master in it? Okay, perhaps you’ve got us there. Manos is still one of the strangest examples of what one person with no particular talent can accomplish when given a camera, what technically counts as a cast, and a soundtrack that will drive you mad and/or serve as a pretty sweet ringtone. Originally regarded as one of the defining episodes of Mystery Science Theater before becoming one of the most popular RiffTrax Live events of all time, this studio VOD version of "Manos" The Hands of Fate is perfect for anyone who lives in terror of jib shots, live audiences, or Norman. - Death Promise
E210Death PromiseIt is with glee in our hearts and clumsy 70s karate vengeance on our minds that we present to you the amazing, undefinable Death Promise. So goofy, so full of confused non-actors wandering through their dialogue like kids lost at the mall, and with so much more gentle sincerity than you’d expect in a movie about systematic revenge against a group of evil slumlords. It’s Guy From Harlem meets Kill Bill meets an after-school special about friendship - in other words, we really like it. A boardroom full of comically-dressed, openly-evil New York City rich guys are hassling their slum tenants for reasons that don’t quite get around to becoming clear. Fortunately, their harassment methods don’t go much beyond “empty a box of rats into a building that’s already filled with rats.” But when they kill an old drunk boxer, the old drunk boxer’s son makes a vow, a pledge… oh, what to call it… an oath to demise? A commitment to casualties? Well, however you want to phrase it, he and his surprisingly agreeable friend Speedy work their way through the list of baddies who wronged them. All in pursuit of the main baddie, a shadowy figure who - and we’re not making this up - sits so that you can’t see his face, only his evil hand stroking the evil cat in his lap. Again, this movie is taking itself seriously. Again, we really like it. Settle in for some upbeat revenge with Mike, Kevin, and Bill. We don’t just promise you’ll have a good time: we Death Promise. - No Retreat, No Surrender
E211No Retreat, No SurrenderAn organized crime syndicate is attempting to muscle out all the karate dojos in the country with the aid of deadly Russian black belt, and it’s up to the new kid in town and his breakdancing sidekick to defeat them, if the local bully doesn’t stop him first! Here is a test: at which point in the above sentence did you realize the film was a product of the 80s? A. After “Karate Dojos” B. After “Deadly Russian” C. After “Breakdancing sidekick” D. I actually thought it was a Sofia Coppola film from the late 2000s If you answered A, B, or C, then congratulations! Your senses have been honed to detect the fine subtleties of 80s cheese and you are going to enjoy the hell out of No Retreat, No Surrender. “Borrowing” the jingoism of Rocky IV and pretty much everything else from The Karate Kid, it adds the baffling twist of having our hero learn karate from the ghost of Bruce Lee. It is the second most unrealistic thing in the movie after having Jean Claude Van Damme portray a Russian. Co-starring other 80s staples such as the fat guy who is always eating (otherwise viewers might not have noticed that he is fat) and training montages that out-parody every training montage parody you’ve ever seen, No Retreat, No Surrenderwill get you so pumped up you’ll be tempted to forgive Van Damme for Street Fighter. All that’s missing is a ponytailed, toxic waste dumping millionaire to deem it: “Perfect…” - The Night Dracula Saved the WorldE212
The Night Dracula Saved the WorldWhen you review the list of reasons that the Star Wars Holiday Special was such a colossal failure, very rarely does “Not enough Judd Hirsch” come up. “Contains no Judd Hirsch” was actually one of the few things critics cited as a positive for the SWHS. In fact, rumor has it that George Lucas got the entire special green-lit solely by pitching an hour of television that Judd Hirsch would not appear in. So while The Night that Dracula Saved the World does not have Harvey Korman, or crappy animation, or an elderly wookie pleasuring itself, it does have Judd Hirsch. Please do not go into this special expecting not to see Judd Hirsch. You have been given fair warning. Judd Hirsch plays Dracula, who is facing a major dilemma: he’s played by Judd Hirsch. Also, The Witch is refusing to fly over the moon, something that is totally a thing that everyone associates with Halloween. If she doesn’t fly over the moon, Halloween will be cancelled (it was already on thin ice after a Halloween special starring Judd Hirsch aired.) Fortunately for Dracula, he’s got a lineup of monsters to help him, none of whom are played by Judd Hirsch. If you’re on a box of seasonally available General Mills marshmallow cereal, you’re in this special: Frankenstein's monster, The Wolfman, The Mummy, even MST3K's own Brain Guy makes an inexplicable appearance. Together they must stop The Witch from doing the unthinkable and ruining Halloween, (though everyone probably would have blamed it on Judd Hirsch anyway.) Thrill and chill at how low the standards were for winning an Emmy in the 70s! (Seriously. It won one.) The Night that Dracula Saved the World is probably the second worst holiday special of all time, but then again, see it and decide for yourself. At least the Star Wars Holiday Special had those funny old commercials. Happy Halloween! - The WizardE213
The Wizard“I love the Power Glove… it’s so bad.” This iconic movie quote is often misattributed to Lawrence of Arabia, but in fact it’s from our newest VOD, The Wizard! Before there was a terrible movie about the Super Mario Bros., there was a terrible movie about PLAYING Super Mario Bros. Fred Savage’s little brother is a savant video game player, and the two of them run off to California so he can compete in Video Armageddon, that big famous video game contest like they had in the 80s, remember those? Sure, we all remember those, and they definitely happened all the time. They’re joined by a plucky little girl who’s just putting up with all this until she can grow up to sing in the indie rock band Rilo Kiley (no, really!). The kids are pursued by a child bounty hunter, again, something that might sound fake but is definitely just as real as Video Armageddon. To add to the playful Nintendo fun, the child bounty hunter looks like, well, a sexual predator. And at one point he is even accused of inappropriate touching. No, really! All this happens in The Wizard! The little kid Nintendo movie! And we haven’t even scraped the surface of the unnecessarily complex and bleak family drama at the center of this movie that is, primarily, a commercial for Nintendo and Nintendo-based products. There’s almost too much to love here. Dust off your NES Advantage, blow in the cartridge even though we all know that doesn’t do anything, and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for a walk down “not how you remember it from childhood” memory lane with The Wizard! - I Believe in Santa ClausE214
I Believe in Santa ClausAh, Christmas. The stockings are hung. The fire is roaring. Mom and dad have been abducted by an African warlord and their son forces a friend to board a plane to Finland to find them only to be kidnapped by an ogre who forces them into slavery. Chestnuts roasting. You know how it goes! I Believe in Santa Claus starts with our hero, Simon, being locked in a closet by a cruel janitor. Perhaps he was trying to eat pudding without eating his meat, we’re not sure. Anyways, Simon is a bit of a whiner these days because both his parents have been kidnapped while on an aid mission to Africa. Where in Africa you might ask? “Just Africa!” the movie says, and yes, it’s going to be that kind of film. Anyway, you’re probably way ahead of us, but yes, Santa Claus goes on a covert mission to rescue the hostages with the aid of a fairy princess and a couple of automatic weapon toting child soldiers. Kris Kringle nearly gets devoured by an alligator, Simon nearly gets devoured by the ogre, and there’s probably a scene on the cutting room floor where Blitzen nearly gets devoured by Comet and Cupid. Because yet again, it’s that kind of film. Add in some of the most maddening Christmas earworms this side of “Dogs Barking Jingle Bells”, and you’ve got yourself a brand new RiffTrax Christmas classic that’s destined to join the ranks of Stinky the Skunk, Droppo, Accordion Wolf, The Small Tree of No Account, Lupita, the husky kid from Magic Christmas Tree, Rudolph’s foxy mama, Norman Spear Jr, and the Ice Cream Bunny himself. Stop all your crying business and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the madness that is I Believe in Santa Claus. - IcebreakerE215
IcebreakerIt’s obvious what the makers of Icebreaker were going for: Die Hard on Skis. Unfortunately, they weren’t even able to make A Good Day to Die Hard* on Skis. We think they should have gone with making Speed 2: Cruise Control, aka Die Hard on a Boat on Skis. We heard the boat was available. Terrorists have taken over a Vermont ski slope! Why? Who knows! Their motives are extremely unclear. Perhaps they were frustrated by the state’s lack of east to west interstates. Or maybe they were angered by Vermonters' inexplicable preference of Heady Topper over the superior Focal Banger.*** The point is, Sean Astin is the only man who can stop them. Why? We actually know the answer to this one: because that’s how the Die Hard on a ____ format works, dammit! Standing in Sean’s way is B-movie god Bruce Campbell, who evidently really wanted an all expenses paid ski vacation. And when we say “Standing in Sean’s way” we mean it quite figuratively. We are not entirely convinced these two ever actually were on set at the same time. The two trade quips at a bunny slope level that culminates in the most thrilling series of snowboard stunts we’ve seen ever since we tried to play a downloaded ROM of 1080 on a stuttery N64 emulator. Written and directed by David Giancola (Time Chasers) and featuring a memorable performance by Asahi T-shirt Guy from Radical Jack, Icebreaker is one film that will make you say Yippee Ki Yay, Mr. Gamgee!**** *It’s technically the fifth** Die Hard movie. **We know, we prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist either. Besides, how can there be a fifth Die Hard movie when we’re also pretending the fourth one doesn’t exist?) ***Please forgive us, one of our writers moved to Vermont four months ago and these are the only two facts about his new home he has learned in that time. ****I refuse to apologize. What are you going to do, come find me?? I’m in Vermont!! - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2E216
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2At long last, the conclusion to the endless, seriously endless, so-unbelievably-endless-they-took-two-whole-movies-to-end-it endless Harry Potter saga is here, fully riffed and available in delicious RiffTrax flavored jellybean form! Until this movie came out, a lot of people thought Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 was the end of the series, the “Part 1” thing being a cute ironic affectation like Leonard Part 6 or when you call a fat guy “Tiny.” But no, Harry Potter is back, and it’s time to watch his whimsical friends who we’ve goofed along with for seven full movies drop dead rapid-fire like background players in a Vietnam movie. Part 1 was all about finding and destroying horcruxes, but Part 2 really ramps it up, following the kids as they… continue finding and destroying horcruxes. Like the film version of your nephew forcing you to watch him rack up Xbox achievements and trophies, but with more crying! We couldn’t be prouder or happier to bring the saga to its conclusion. Much like Dobby the House Elf, we is free! And also like Dobby, we is dead. Very, very dead. Join Mike, Kevin and Bill for one last hilarious broomstick ride into the ultimate Quidditch bloodbath, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2! - The Room (Live Version)E217
The Room (Live Version)In 2015 we kicked off The Crappening by riffing The Room live! Due to a certain cast member who will remain nameless (OK, it’s the guy who says “Lisa looks hot tonight” during Johnny’s birthday party) we’re unable to release that live show on our site. But this studio MP3 of the live show is the next best thing! Consider it a “Special Edition” MP3. Tons of all new jokes, fully riffed sex scenes, and Denny even shoots first! Just borrow a laugh track from Fuller House and you’ll feel like you’re watching it live! Alley football, underwears, breast cancer, doggy, barbecue chicken rice, framed spoons: The Room has contributed so much to our culture, way more than suckers like Van Gogh or Thomas Pynchon. It is one of our all time favorite bad movies and this MP3 version is the definitive riffing! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill-R for this studio MP3 of our The Room live show! Do it quickly, before Mark moves to a bigger place - word on the street is he’s making some pretty good money these days. - Wizards of the Lost KingdomE218
Wizards of the Lost KingdomFrom the deepest, darkest, most sorcerously stained corner of the video store, in the “mid-80s fantasy movies trying to trick you into thinking they were kind of like Star Wars” section, it’s Wizards of the Lost Kingdom! Yes, it’s hard to believe now, but in the 80s people were still pretty obsessed with Star Wars. Oh, how the world has changed since then! And Wizards of the Lost Kingdom brings the knock-off heat. A roguish but charming scoundrel who can’t help but do the right thing: Check! A giant hairy monster mess of a best friend who makes digestive sounds to communicate: Check! A whiny unlikable kid prodigy who’s the son of a more famous magic type: Check, with extra unlikeability! A thrilling plot full of amazing special effects and edge-of-your-seat action: uh… did we mention the furry digestive sounds guy? Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is like 6 different movies in one, in the sense that it was seemingly cobbled together from at least 6 different movies into one not-at-all cohesive whole! And it stars Bo Svenson, who you may recognize from small parts in some Tarantino movies, the kind of small parts in Tarantino movies actors get because they were once in obscure movies like Wizards of the Lost Kingdom. The film business is confusing! Finders keepers losers weepers, sorry Wizards but it’s our Kingdom now! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the tour of an ancient Spencer’s Gifts store that is Wizards of the Lost Kingdom! - Samurai CopE219
Samurai CopThe Samurai Cop is here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and he’s already infringed on enough movies and cliches so he’s just going to stop with that introduction right there. Yes, the cop they call Samurai has travelled to Los Angeles from a faraway land they call San Diego. Because it would just make no sense to have the movie take place in San Diego, or to have the cop be from LA to start with. Or, y’know, Japan. Why do they need the Samurai Cop in town? Because frankly, the chief was telling everybody how absurd his haircut was, and nobody would believe him, so he said “Look, I’ll have him come to town and you can see this damn thing for yourselves.” It is a work of art. If it seems like there’s a serious threat at any point in time, it’s going to leap off his head and start kicking ass on its own. Samurai Cop is assigned a partner, whose main job appears to be mugging to the camera as the Samurai Cop punches people. Together, they’ve got to bust a gang whose stated goal is putting someone’s head on their piano. These villains are lead by Robert Z’dar, who will hopefully reinforce any piano he plans to put his own prodigious cranium on top of. Decapitations, explosions, poorly subbed in stunt doubles, mangled dialogue, prominent lion heads, and unfortunate banana hammocks abound in this extremely eighties-y nineties movie. Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and Alfonso Rafael Federico Sebastian for Samurai Cop! - Cyber TrackerE220
Cyber TrackerCyber Tracker! No, it’s not a spyware killing program from the early 2000s that, when downloaded, actually adds MORE spyware to your computer. This Cyber Tracker is a robot policeman designed through a shady collaboration between the shady government and a shady corporation, and those usually work out pretty well in movies. But this isn’t just any Terminator knockoff, it’s far weirder than that. Taking on the vaguely cyborg, not-vaguely hairless menace is Don “The Dragon” Wilson. Don “The Dragon” is an actual martial arts expert but not an actual dragon, or actor. He is a hired bodyguard, who immediately turns on his evil bosses when he notices he’s taking orders from an Australian bro with a permed mullet. Don “The D” escapes to join a revolutionary group headed by a newscaster who just happens to also be a top-level hacker because sure, why not. Will they fall for each other while tracking the Tracker? First Don will have to get over his lost wife, who only comes up occasionally and is maybe dead but maybe just left him because he sucks, you’ll have to watch to find out! Truly the Geo Tracker of 90s robot movies, with an ending you really, REALLY won’t see coming, log on with Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Cyber Tracker! - Star Wars Episode VII: The Force AwakensE221
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force AwakensMany Hollywood insiders were baffled when Star Wars, a mildly popular franchise that has never rendered multiple generations of otherwise right-thinking people incapable of critical thought, announced a seventh movie. Over the past two decades, very little had been written on the internet about Star Wars, and almost nobody had expressed their enthusiasm about excruciatingly minor details of the franchise, so it seemed risky to make a brand new movie. There was a strong chance it might be a massive failure and only make something like six billion dollars on its opening weekend. Any naysayers were of course proven wrong, likely buried beneath a pile of t-shirts which, get this: mashed up aspects of Star Wars and other pop culture franchises. (They thought of everything folks!) The Force Awakens was a massive hit. Experts estimate that the value of BB-8 merchandise thrown away thus far is more than the Fantastic Four movie made last summer. Those same experts went on to point out that maybe we shouldn’t be buying so much Star Wars crap when the average household income worldwide is well under ten thousand dollars, but we inserted our earplugs that look like Lor San Tekka so they couldn’t harsh our buzz. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the movie event to end all movie events: grainy home video footage of Bib Fortuna’s retirement party. Er, I mean, Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Additional contributors: Conor Lastowka - Senior Writer Sean Thomason - Senior Writer Contributing Writers: Molly Hodgdon, Jason Miller, Mike Schuster, and Joseph Scrimshaw - ArachniaE222
ArachniaYes, Arachnia, for people who want a goofy spider movie but find the word Arachnophobia a couple syllables too long. As is required in Edgewood films, it all begins with a light plane crash. (TIP: if you ever find yourself living in the Edgewood film universe, stick to big planes, the little ones will only get you in trouble.) This particular crash brings this particular crew of non-actors to a little remote cabin in a little remote place that claims to be somewhere near Arizona but sure looks a lot like Vermont. (Another tip: if you find yourself living in the Edgewood film universe, no matter where you think you are, you are actually in Vermont.) The macho pilot, sleazy horndog scientist, stoner idiot grad student, smart assistant and some impossibly stupid undergrad eye candy meet up with a grizzly old coot in this convention of not-quite-right stock characters. They’ll wage war against the massive spider monsters who threaten their lives and the very limits of what qualifies as “stop-motion animation.” - Hillbillys in a Haunted House
E223Hillbillys in a Haunted HouseWhen three hillbillies on their way to Nashville take a detour and end up in a haunted house, most critics stop reading after that sentence and immediately assign the movie whatever grade is several grades lower than the lowest grade they’ve ever given out. Shamelessly cashing in on the Hillbillly Craze of ‘67, Hillbillys in a Haunted House finally gave country music fans what they had long been demanding: a movie where John Carradine interacts with a sweaty guy in a gorilla suit and is interrupted by the occasional hootenanny. It’s sort of like a country fried Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band with the Bee Gees replaced by the cast of Scooby Doo, but not that dignified. Warning: Contains extreme closeups of Lon Chaney Jr, the name “Ferlin Husky,” and misspelled words in the movie's own title. - Game of Thrones: Season 1 Episode 1E224
Game of Thrones: Season 1 Episode 1Long before winter was coming, winter was… well, still coming. We’re taking it all the way back to the first episode of Game of Thrones! To a simpler time before [spoiler alert] killed [spoiler alert] and [spoiler alert] betrayed [spoiler alert] and [spoiler alert] severed [spoiler alert]'s [spoiler alert]. A time of direwolves, imps, and gratuitous nudity that would be screen-capped throughout the realm. The challenge begins: If we riff every episode before George RR finishes the next book, he has to buy us all our own Unsullied! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the premiere episode of Game of Thrones! - The Last SharkE225
The Last SharkMamma mia! Some Italian filmmakers decided to rip off Jaws! The Last Shark doesn’t have the acting talent or music score budget of the original, but it does have a substantially higher percentage of actors with mustaches! The town’s annual windsurfing regatta is threatened by the presence of a killer shark, and rather than do the sensible thing, cancel it and refund both the tickets they’ve sold, the town presses onward. The result: extremely hilarious shark attack special effects! Tell Mrs. Kintner to stop mourning and get her slappin' hand ready, it’s The Last Shark! - Attack From SpaceE226
Attack From Space“Oh look, honey, we got something from Space!” “That’s nice, open it, what is it?” “Ugh, looks like it’s another stupid Attack.” “You know, I’ve just about had it with Space.” Attack from Space! Several Japanese sci-fi movies from the 50s, conveniently and nonsensically edited and repackaged into one American TV movie in the 60s. The system works! The aliens of the Emerald Planet, who are basically piles of shoeboxes wrapped in tin foil sitting at a table in space, are worried about their enemies the Sapphireans attacking Earth and taking over the whole dang universe. That’s right, Emeralds vs. Sapphires, there really aren’t enough gemstone based feuds in modern sci-fi. So naturally the Emerald guys summon Starman, a pudgy man in a tight, no-detail-spared unitard with a goofy antenna and a couple of guns. Not laser guns, just regular normal guns, for shooting people. Science fiction! Will Starman defeat the Sapphireans and save the universe? Can he destroy their Death Star? Do they really have a thing called the Death Star? Yes, they really do! Strap on your head-antenna and buckle your space diaper, it’s time to join Mike, Kevin and Bill for an Attack from Space! - RubyE227
RubySouthern desperation, B-movie drive-in theaters, and the vengeance of the angry dead all come together in Ruby, honestly one of the weirdest things we’ve found in a long career of finding weird things. Ruby is a failed performer hanging on to her glory days, Baby Jane style (hey, whatever happened to her?). She also happened to help some gangsters kill the love of her life in a swamp 16 years ago this very night, but we’re sure that won’t come back to haunt her or anything. Now she and her pal, Stuart Whitman (of Night of the Lepus fame!), run a seedy theater and are sort of just generally professionally seedy, all the time. Everything’s great - well, as great as it can be running a drive-in next to a Florida swamp - until people start dying in spooky, albeit comical ways. Ruby is played by Piper Laurie, aka Carrie’s mom in Carrie, and she brings that same low-key subtle energy to this—we’re kidding, she shrieks and chews all the scenery and it’s great. The movie’s like somebody wrung out a filthy sponge all over a Tennessee Williams play, then added a heavy splash of The Exorcist. Oh, and there’s some Norman Bates stuff going on too! Ruby’s got it all, baby! Don’t miss it. - Road House: Three-Riffer EditionE228
Road House: Three-Riffer EditionThis is it – the best movie ever made about a world-famous bouncer and his epic struggle with the evil owner of the local J.C. Penney. Patrick Swayze is at his most shirtless as Dalton, a bouncer who is as comfortable quoting Zen aphorisms as he is kicking drunken men in the head. The incomparable Sam Elliot is hilarious as Swayze's grizzled but lovable mentor, growling out lines like "I'll sleep when I'm dead," and running his weathered hand through his long, gray, greasy hair. And Kevin Tighe (of Lost) as the owner of the titular roadhouse delivers one of the strangest performances ever committed to film. 100% new riffs with all three riffers - Astro-ZombiesE229
Astro-ZombiesDead bodies are disappearing and being reanimated as horrible undead ghouls! Who could be responsible? The undercover Air Force investigator? The burlesque dancer? The local mad scientist who has sworn revenge on a society that has forsaken him and even has his own personal Igor? Uh, probably the last one. Why was this even a question? Reuniting Tom “The Kid” Pace with his Girl in Gold Boots director Ted V. Mikels, Astro-Zombies are neither zombies nor the dog from The Jetsons. The film also stars John Carradine, who aged approximately 92 years in the 28 years between The Grapes of Wrath and this movie. Astro-Zombies is the type of schlockfest that will have you gasping “Wait, how long has this lab scene been going on? They just showed the assistant turning that dial. Wait, now they’re showing it again??” - The Walking Dead: Season 1 Episode 1E230
The Walking Dead: Season 1 Episode 1You asked for it, now it’s here: the relentless, all-devouring horde that is our riff of The Walking Dead! This is a riff of the very first episode. It’s a good time for fans of the show to revisit, as the new season is just about to start, and 3 or 4 more prequels and spinoff series are presumably being prepared. And for non-fans, it’s a good time to watch for the first time and wonder why all those fans are such fans! Unlike other zombie stuff you’ve seen, the zombies in The Walking Dead… hmm. Uh… well, they walk. They’re dead. There’s some kind of virus, probably. Oh, someone wakes from a coma to discover the world has changed, that’s new, right? No? That’s also not new? Hm. Well there is a lengthy discussion of why women don’t turn off light switches at the beginning of the episode, that part’s probably new, at least! Pick up a 2X4 with a nail in it, boil that copy of the Zombie Survival Guide you never actually read for stew, and shut yourself inside with Mike, Kevin, and Bill as we all try to survive The Walking Dead! - Daredevil: Season 1 Episode 1E231
Daredevil: Season 1 Episode 1Matt Murdock was blinded in a tragic accident so now he’s really good at kicking guys. Evidently the blindness isn’t really much of an issue, because he lives in Hell’s Kitchen, a neighborhood where 95% of the buildings permanently have their lights dimmed to a cinematically noirish level. Murdock will never be able to see another sunset, the faces of his loved ones, or the terrible Ben Affleck version of Daredevil, so things are looking up. He has no choice but to become The Man Without Fear in order to take out The Kingpin, a villain so sinister he does not actually appear in this episode. Instead you get Foggy. Maybe you should blind yourself too. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they Marvel at Daredevil! Additional contributors: Conor Lastowka - Senior Writer Sean Thomason - Senior Writer - Honor and GloryE232
Honor and GloryHonor and Glory - they’re not just Mike’s brand new knuckle tattoos, they’re the subject of this 90s martial arts movie that’s so magically inept it borders on the surreal. It’s like a child’s finger painting of what a big 90s action movie should be, except with much less innocence and way more hair grease, unmotivated rage, and “dime-store pimps” involved in major nuclear arms deals. In short, we really love this movie. The story, as far as we can tell: two sisters, one an FBI agent and the other a news reporter, both way into kicking and punching - don’t worry, they go out of their way to clarify which sister is Honor and which one is Glory - are out to take down the villainous Jason Slade. Jason Slade is the richest, most powerful man in the world, despite the fact he looks like a buff 14-year-old and does business from an office that an HR manager at a regional bottling plant would find insultingly small. On his side is the world’s greatest bodyguard, who is such a blatant imitation of Beverly Hills Cop-era Eddie Murphy you’ll find yourself waiting for that song to kick in every time he’s on screen. All that, and so much more to love. We didn’t even mention the hammock-jumping! Treat yourself right, sit back with Mike, Kevin, and Bill and savor the glory that is, well, Honor and Glory! - Jurassic WorldE233
Jurassic WorldThey say you can never go back again. Jurassic World proves that you can, as long as you go there in a Mercedes-Benz SUV, prominently feature that SUV in several shots, and generally keep your expectations lower than the hanging belly of a CGI stegosaurus. Jurassic World pays homage to the original Jurassic Park by constantly reminding you that you are not watching Jurassic Park, and that you sure wish you were watching Jurassic Park, or even the 90s ABC family sitcom Dinosaurs, instead. Fortunately, we are here to help! And so is Chris Pratt, doing his best to fill the complicated role of Running Guy. And Bryce Dallas Howard, doing an admirable job as No-Nonsense Businesswoman Who Has Apparently Never Even Heard Of Children And Gosh Does She Have Some Big Lessons To Learn About What’s Important In Life. There are also a couple of little boys you will forget about 5 minutes after the movie ends. Hold onto your butts, say a quick prayer to Goldblum, and laugh the crimes against nature and film away with Mike, Kevin, and Bill. It’s Jurassic World! - Deadly PreyE234
Deadly PreyMike Danton took out the garbage. Now it’s time to take out the trash. (Please note that right after he took out the garbage, he was abducted by a paramilitary group who intends to hunt him down like a dog for a training exercise. It’s the only way our Cool 80s Tagline makes any sense.) Danton must stay alive by any means necessary, which mostly means whittling twigs into projectiles capable of piercing bone when lobbed from a short distance. He also eats worms, has a few bazookas lying around the house, and occasionally bludgeons an enemy with their own severed arm. He’s essentially every member of The Expendables rolled into one guy, stripped down to short shorts, and then whacked over the head with a sand wedge until he couldn’t remember any words longer than two syllables. Deadly Prey is the kind of budget badassery you’ve come to expect from the guy who donned a mesh belly shirt to play David Carradine’s son in Future Zone. Align your desk grenades properly, then join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for 80s action cheese at its ripest. - Superargo and the Faceless GiantsE235
Superargo and the Faceless GiantsWho is Superargo? He's an Italio-Spanish superhero whose main powers are that he used to be a wrestler and now he drives a car! Also, he can blow up small vases with his mind, but that doesn’t come up very often. Superargo’s super-heroics wouldn’t be complete without his turban-wearing, 1960s-style sidekick, based on the usual vague turban-wearing, 1960s-style sidekick ethnic stereotypes. And who are the Faceless Giants? Why, simply the world’s greatest athletes, kidnapped and reprogrammed to be giant clumsy robots. Their mission? To rob banks, of course! If you can think of an easier way to rob a bank, we’d sure like to hear it! Even if your favorite cheese isn’t the vintage European superhero type (like Supersonic Man, or that Puma fella), you and your face will have a blast with the meandering, low-impact heroics of Superargo and the Faceless Giants! - Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!E236
Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!Our Christmas special this year stars Whizzo the Clown. Whizzo’s not one of your big, flashy, Hollywood clowns who relies on clichés like “scripts” or “coherency.” Whizzo’s got huge, gross feet, a terrible catchphrase, and he’s ready to fly some kids to the North Pole on his streamer-powered magic carpet. And yes, for this movie, that qualifies as a plot description. After thirty seconds with Whizzo, you’ll find yourself thinking, “Yeah, I can see where The Grinch was coming from.” Or maybe, “You know, Mr. Potter had some good ideas…” In fact, it might just be the movie to turn your coulrophobia into pantophobia! RiffTrax Christmas Circus also features a short about Christmas trees that have human faces and communicate psychically with houseplants before dying and going to tree heaven. It is by far the most normal, sane part of this Christmas special. - The Wonderful Land of Oz
E237The Wonderful Land of OzThe Wizard of Oz is one of the most beloved movies in the history of cinema, but don’t you think it was missing a little something? Namely, the deft directorial touch of Barry Mahon, whose other films include Fanny Hill Meets Dr. Erotico, The Diary of Knockers McCalla, and a little movie called Santa and The Ice Cream Bunny? The Wonderful Land of Oz takes everything you loved about the original Oz movie and coats it in a slippery, weird, filmy substance. Scarecrow and Tin Man are back, looking like Yugoslavian knockoffs of Russian knockoffs of the original characters. There are also new characters, like the Wogglebug, and the Purple Cow. Sound pretty crappy, right? Well set your expectations even lower! It’s the Barry Mahon way! - ReplicaE238
ReplicaThe bar is impossibly high, but Replica might just be the strangest of the Nguyen trilogy. Yes, we’re using the term trilogy, because there is no term for “set of 3 movies with the same basic nonsense plot and characters but slightly different Hitchcock-inspired science fiction premise each time.” All the tropes are here: cars gradually pulling out of a very familiar driveway, office meetings about business deals with large round figures, dates between charmless humans who seem to be learning to speak for the first time. But this time, instead of birds angry about global warming or virtual reality romance snafus, the issue is CLONING. Human organ cloning, whole human cloning, all handled with the scientific accuracy and moral sensitivity we’ve come to expect from this film auteur. And happening on digital “sets” less realistic than a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper. Complete with performances by some of our favorites in the Nguyen repertoire of actors, like Nathalie’s mom, that one business guy, and footage of Tippi Hedren playing on a TV during a scene! - Retro Puppet MasterE239
Retro Puppet MasterOh hai, direct-to-video prequel to C-list 90s horror movie franchise! Greg Sestero, who you might know from such roles as Mark from The Room and Retro Puppet Master, stars in Retro Puppet Master! Learn the answers to all your burning Puppet Master questions like: “Where did he get the puppets?” (He already had them) and “What kind of drugs, Denny?” (It doesn’t matter) To top it all off, Mark tries to pull off a French accent for the entire movie that somehow ends up sounding even faker and weirder than Tommy Wiseau’s. You know those videos where a dog is holding a huge stick in their mouth and trying to get through a doorway, but they can’t because the stick is too big? That’s what it’s like watch Mark attempt to act while simultaneously maintaining a “French” accent. Fear not! No prior knowledge of the Puppet Master series is required. No, not even Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys. Join Mike, Kevin, Chris R, and Bill for Retro Puppet Master.* *Chris R was arrested before he was able to record. Mark assures us that “It’s clear.” - Ator, The Fighting Eagle
E240Ator, The Fighting EagleMiles O’Keeffe, everyone’s favorite Cave Dweller from the MST3K episode of the same name, is back, and he’s Cave Dwell-ier than ever! Miles reprises his role as the dopey well-coiffed warrior Ator, which is pronounced all different kinds of fun ways depending on which chopped-up segment of dubbed Italian cinema you happen to be looking at. This installment gives us Ator’s origin, and boy is it creepy! Suffice to say the first thing we learn about Ator is that he wants to marry his sister, and, uh, everybody is pretty much fine with that. Everybody except the evil spider priest, who is mostly focused on gently caressing spiders in the abandoned community college amphitheater he calls home. Does the evil spider priest call to mind the evil snake priest from the popular Conan the Barbarian, released shortly before this movie? No! Of course not! What a strange question! Ator goes on a quest to save his sister-wife and continue their morally questionable marriage, with the aid of a bear cub who is sometimes there but a lot of times not there, for unexplained reasons. Also unexplained: why the movie is called Ator, the Fighting Eagle or what a “Fighting Eagle” is. The phrase seriously never comes up at all. Strap into your animal skin hang glider and soar to new depths with Mike, Kevin, and Bill. It’s Ator, the Fighting Eagle! - Day of the AnimalsE241
Day of the AnimalsPollution has left the ozone layer severely depleted, and we all know what that means: eagles start commanding mountain lions to attack hapless campers! It’s basic science people! Day of the Animals has a premise that will be familiar to anyone who’s ever mispronounced the word ‘solrpnls.’ But it has one thing going for it that Birdemic does not: shirtless Leslie Nielsen. Frank Drebin himself descends into madness as members of his expedition are picked off one by one by vicious wolves, hungry bears, and ground squirrels that make a sort of annoying screeching sound. Eventually he removes his shirt and beats up a kid. We’ve all been there. A film that saw the glut of 70s ensemble disaster movies and thought “I could do that for way cheaper!” Day of the Animals is guaranteed to delight both fans of animals and twenty four hour intervals of the earth’s rotation. Pull up a chair alongside Mike, Kevin, Bill, and a bunch of spruce bark beetles in a trench coat! - GrizzlyE242
GrizzlySome movies are labors of love, the product of a singular vision and a lifetime of hard work. And sometimes, a guy just says “Make Jaws, but with a bear.” A rogue bear is attacking campers! This means that the director films a bear, then a camper in a completely different state, then cuts back and forth between them until a shot where a fake bear paw swats an even faker severed arm in front of the camera. That’s filmmaking baby! Despite this vicious animal running amok, the head of the park refuses to shut it down? Why? Because he’s bitter he doesn’t get to wear a sweet anchor jacket like Murray Hamilton! Starring Bart The Bear’s mother, last seen duking it out with Leslie Nielsen in Day of the Animals, Grizzly will make you say “Smile you son of a sow*!” *a sow is a female bear - Star Wars: Rogue OneE243
Star Wars: Rogue OneFor years, most movies that came out were not about the Death Star. Lots of people were OK with this, it meant we got movies like The Godfather, Point Break, and The Stoned Age. This evidently changed in 2015 however, and now every movie must relate in some way to the construction or destruction of a Death Star. This has led to a few odd choices, like the 2016 sequel to The Adventures of Milo and Otis, which critics called “tonally baffling” and “supposed to be about a puppy and kitten, why?” It’s worked out slightly better for The Force Awakens and Rogue One. Rogue One tells the story of a plucky band of upstarts who bring us the long awaited answer to one of the deepest mysteries in the Star Wars universe: what exactly was Jabba the Hutt’s toilet situation? As they seek out the answer to this disgusting riddle, they stumble across the plans to the Death Star and set in motion forty years of wildly disposable Star Wars parodies and tributes. Mon Mothma plays a major role for some reason. Mike, Kevin, Bill, and the reanimated likenesses of several actors who signed the wrong thing before they died team up to riff the latest chapter in the neverending Star Wars saga: Rogue One! - Star GamesE244
Star GamesStar Games! If you’ve ever asked what it would be like if Greydon Clark, the infamous director of Final Justice and Angels' Revenge, tried his hand at a science fiction movie… well, then maybe your question somehow willed this movie into existence. And maybe you owe the universe an apology. But, since you asked, what IS it like when Greydon Clark makes a science fiction movie? Here are some highlights: --A holographic clown that runs a spaceship in the style of knockoff Robin Williams --Tony Curtis as a space emperor with a New York accent --Greydon’s two non-actor sons in the lead roles, because why not --The most fearsome alien in the movie is a bear hanging out in the woods --Yeah that’s right, there’s a bear --We only do movies with bears in them now All that, plus a major plot revolving around a boy’s insulin schedule! Star Games really pushes the boundaries of the genre, and the boundaries of child labor laws in regard to casting your own children in a movie. Go to infinity and beyond (or at least, a forest) and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for some Star Games! - Missile X: The Neutron Bomb IncidentE245
Missile X: The Neutron Bomb IncidentA nuclear missile has been stolen! The fate of the planet hangs in the balance! There’s only one thing to do: send an aging Peter Graves to Iran and imply that beautiful women half his age are somehow attracted to his lumbering! The stolen missile has been transported to a Tehran Casino where the bad guys are storing it in a room next to the craps tables. It sounds ridiculous, but in fact The Luxor had a nuclear missile room too. They eventually converted it into the theater for the Blue Man Group. Defying all odds, the lead mad scientist is played by John Carradine, who in a shocking twist occasionally seems to be vaguely aware of where he is. Or perhaps he just had a little too much metamucil that day. Regardless, critics called it his finest performance in decades. - UninvitedE246
UninvitedUninvited is a horror movie written and directed by Star Games and Final Justice mastermind Greydon Clark, so it’s not surprising that Greydon Clark put himself in the movie. What is surprising? Pretty much everything else. There’s a killer cat on the loose, but only sort of on the loose, because the killer cat lives INSIDE of another, larger cat. That fuzzy tabby escapes Greydon’s lab into the world, where it occasionally barfs out the killer cat within to deliver nasty low-budget feline death. Meanwhile, a sleazy rich criminal lures some Spring break college babes and their friends onto his yacht for a voyage. The voyage is to complete a big high-risk criminal deal, so why does he want random college partiers along for the ride? Because he likes watching girls do Jazzercise. No, really, that’s the whole reason. Also along for the ride? GEORGE KENNEDY! Yes, Oscar winner George Kennedy is here, because no great character actor wants to retire without a Greydon Clark film under his belt. Oh, and the killer cat is on the yacht too, along with the bigger cat it lives inside of like a Russian doll. It’s terror on the high seas, Garfield style, and no lasagna or human is safe. Wondering if any of Greydon Clark’s family show up in this movie, like in Star Games? If you know to ask that question, you already know the answer. Invite yourself along and yacht away with Mike, Kevin, and Bill, it’s Uninvited! - The Little UnicornE247
The Little UnicornThe Little Unicorn is a tale of whimsy, fantasy, and extremely generous definitions of the word “little.” Turns out making CGI little unicorns is way more difficult than strapping a horn to a regular horse and shining a blue spotlight on it, so the unicorn in question remains little for maybe fifteen seconds of screen time. When reports of a regular-sized unicorn surface in the English countryside, all the local scumbags are seeing dollar signs. Evidently a completely normal in stature unicorn is something that could make a regional circus owner a millionaire, instead of being the type of thing your average person glances at and goes “Huh” before heading to the concession stand to see if circus peanuts are still as gross as they remember. (They are.) And since your pre-teen daughter is no doubt pulling on your sleeve and demanding to know, YES, OF COURSE George Hamilton is in this movie!. He stars as the unicorn’s leather saddle. Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and a whole bunch of those sparkly puffy unicorn stickers you get for a quarter from the machines after the checkout stands in the grocery store for The Little Unicorn! - Game of Thrones: Season 3 Episode 9E248
Game of Thrones: Season 3 Episode 9Weddings are a joyous occasion, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t without annoyances! Travel is expensive, figuring out seating can be awkward, and sometimes the host ritually executes the entire family of the groom. Yes, it’s the Red Wedding, the episode of the series that is famous for killing off a bunch of characters that shocked viewers by killing off a bunch of characters. More people might have seen it coming, but they were too busy saying “Hey, isn’t that the guy who played Filch?” Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, Old Nan, Hot Pie, Reznak mo Reznak, Marvin K. Mooney, The Bear, and The Maiden Fair for Season 3, Episode 9 of "Game of Thrones" - The Rains of Castamere! - Final Justice
E249Final JusticeJoe Don Buckle your Joe Don Belts, it’s Joe Don Baker in Final Justice! A brand new riff of the classic film that put the “chubby Deputy Sheriff from Texas goes on an adventure in Malta” genre on the map! Meet Joe Don. Goes by Geronimo. He’s got a shady past and a need for justice burning a hole inside of him. Also, a need for donuts. His sleepy small town life of being pestered by his partner Greydon Clark gets interrupted when some mafia guys kill his partner, Greydon Clark (yes, Greydon Clark is in it, which answers the question “did Greydon Clark direct this movie?”). It all leads back to a major matter of international crime, so naturally the government sends the CIA to Italy to take care of the -- what’s that? They send Joe Don Baker? All by himself? In his western wear? Well, uh, sure, why not. Don’t mess with Texas, I guess? Speaking of Texas, if you are worried that at any point in the movie Deputy Sheriff Geronimo will let you forget he is from Texas, ease your mind, he will not. He’s a real fish out of water, or a chocolate-glazed cruller in a pile of spaghetti. Either way join him and Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this brand new riff of Final Justice! - MothraE250
MothraIt’s the story of a group of explorers who travel to a remote island, kidnap two tiny women, thereby inciting the wrath of a giant (albeit adorable) larvae which then swims the ocean, cocoons itself in downtown Tokyo, emerges as the titular Mothra and destroys everything in its path. Yes, it's a tale as old as time, but Mothra does it best! Join Kevin, Bill and Mike as they roast one of the most beloved (and bizzarre!) of the Japanese monster classics, Mothra. - Miami ConnectionE251
Miami ConnectionIt's the same script from one of our favorite live shows, without the crowd and occasional shots of the lovely mugs of Mike, Kevin and Bill! If you put everything about the 80s in a blender, then somehow ran the resulting smoothie through a translator that only speaks languages from another dimension, what you’d wind up with still wouldn't be half as hilarious, weird, and oddly charming as Miami Connection. It's 1987, and the Biker Ninjas behind the Miami drug trade are finding themselves facing the newest heroes in town: the Taekwondo-loving rock band Dragon Sound! They'll focus all of their black belt skills, alongside performing their hit songs "Friends" and "Against the Ninja" at a popular Orlando night club - to end the threat of Ninja Biker violence once and for all! For the first time riffed in the studio, it's Miami Connection! - Merlin: The ReturnE252
Merlin: The ReturnMerlin, the legendary wizard is stuck inside a terrible nether dimension. Meanwhile, the former stars of Wayne’s World, Highlander, and The Young Ones are stuck in a terrible movie about Merlin, the legendary wizard. Merlin wants to escape the nether dimension, which makes sense because the nether dimension looks like a black light barfed glo-sticks all over a Spencer’s Gifts. Unfortunately, his arch foe Mordred wants to leave too. Assisting him is Tia Carrere who has built an interdimensional portal. (She was hoping to be able to travel into Mike Myer’s house to beg him to make Wayne’s World 3.) Eventually, King Arthur, Lancelot, Merlin, Mordred, and all their armies wind up in modern day… Uh, England? America? South Africa? Wherever it is, they have what is undoubtedly the fakest Stonehenge in film history. There are ghost-skeletons in this movie that look more realistic than this Stonehenge and ghost-skeletons aren’t even a thing! - The Psychotronic Man
E253The Psychotronic ManA surreal journey into the trippy world of, uh, being a barber, it’s Psychotronic Man! What does “psychotronic” mean, exactly? Well, we’re not sure, and neither is the movie. But it seems to be the result of being a barber, and drinking too much of your liquid barber products, which leads to weird dreams, which leads to telling people about your weird dreams. And then killing them with your mind, as if telling them about your dream wasn’t bad enough. Also, to be truly psychotronic, it’s important that all this take place in a Chicago suburb rich with some of the thickest accents you’ve ever heard. Make sense yet? No, no it doesn’t. Floating cars, shampoo drinking, endless stretches of silent sweaty driving, they’re all part of the eerie psychotronic-ness that have made this movie a cult favorite. Strap in for a buzz cut of the mind, and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Psychotronic Man! - OblivionE254
OblivionIt’s Cowboys & Aliens in the Wild Wild West! How could a sci-fi western about either of those things possibly be bad? A sleepy western town has been overrun. Not by varmints, but by D-list actor cameos! No amount of fame is too minor or fleeting to warrant disproportionate amounts of screentime! Issac Hayes! Julie Newmar! And of course a rarely seen acting appearance by professional meme sharer George Takei! Standing in their way is the evil alien Redeye, who has fallen on hard times after his successful southern gravy campaign. He’s in a bad mood, possibly because whatever his cheap lizard mask is made of is itching like hell, maybe even causing a lifelong skin condition. At the very least it certainly can’t smell very good. All this, plus sexy cyborgs, steampunk sidekicks, some actually pretty cool stop motion effects, that creepy guy from Twin Peaks, (no, not that one, the other one), and zero, we repeat ZERO huge robot spiders! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Oblivion! - Kill and Kill Again
E255Kill and Kill AgainHey! It’s not Kill and Take The Afternoon Off to Catch Up on Reading, it’s Kill and Kill Again! So get off your lazy duff and back to work! Who’s doing all this killing and follow-up repeat killing? Mostly Steve Chase, the world’s greatest martial artist. You wouldn’t know he’s the best from seeing his martial arts, but the movie tells you several times he’s the best, so he must be. The South African government needs him to rescue a scientist who’s been kidnapped and forced to create an army of martial artists to conquer the world. And if you can think of a more efficient way to conquer the world, you can just keep it to yourself! Steve Chase and his long, shiny hair get the old ragtag crew together for this one last job. And they truly are the ragtaggiest of ragtag crews, the “recruiting a guy who rents a box at the junkyard” scene is not to be missed. Oh, and also? The entire plot centers around making fuel from potatoes. So yeah, it’s your standard South African martial arts extravaganza based around root vegetable gasoline. You’re gonna love it, and love it again, with Mike, Kevin and Bill! - Mind RipperE256
Mind RipperIn a remote bunker in the desert, unthinkable experiments are taking place. Experiments where horror legend Wes Craven sells his name and credibility to a movie in exchange for a writing credit for his son Jonathan! In a slightly less terrifying experiment, some guys are also reviving a corpse. It does not go well. Sure, it’s your standard affront to decency and all that is holy, but it also has this gross long tongue that occasionally it’ll shoot into your brain. Hopefully it goes without saying that this abomination is named Thor and looks like Fabio. It’s up to Lance Henriksen and his family to display complete ignorance of the situation, split up in defiance of all logic, and gradually get picked off one by one. Er, we mean, save the day! Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and fortunately, no egregious nepotism for Mind Ripper! - Pressure PointE257
Pressure PointSebastian Dellacourt is leading a double life: he tells his wife that he’s a humble systems analyst. But he’s actually a D-list actor starring in films by the director of Time Chasers and Radical Jack! When an assassination attempt fails in a part of Chile that looks suspiciously like Vermont, Sebastian is thrown under the bus by his government. A shadowy group springs him out of prison, but it turns out that they want to blow up Congress. For some reason, Sebastian decides that he should stop them. It’s a race against time, budget, and the limits of plausibility! Asahi Guy and Nick My Boy co-star. Can Sebastian clear his name? Can he stop the bad guys? Will he be mistaken for a middle school gym teacher? Find out as Mike, Kevin and Bill riff Pressure Point! Head Writer Mike Nelson Additional contributors: Conor Lastowka - Senior Writer Sean Thomason - Senior Writer Contributing Writers: Molly Hodgdon, Jason Miller, and Mike Schuster - Westworld: Season 1 Episode 1E258
Westworld: Season 1 Episode 1Cowboys! Robots! Sex! Sex with cowboy robots! How could a show about all this be received as a prestige drama, and not just more trash TV? Simple: it’s not TV, it’s HBO, you uncultured swine. Wise up with Westworld! HBO’s Westworld is based loosely on the Simpsons episode written by Michael Crichton in which malfunctioning Itchy & Scratchy robots take over Itchy & Scratchy Land (pretty sure we got that right). It’s a theme park, a vicious playground for the ultra-wealthy to get their jollies doing the one thing rich people have always wanted most… to, uh, be a part of a mediocre Western? Whatever the reason, Ed Harris is there, and Thandie Newton, and so is Anthony Hopkins, taking a rare break from Odinsleeping to Odinwalk through this performance. Who’s a robot and who isn’t? What does it mean to be truly human? And didn’t Battlestar Galactica handle a lot of this already? For answers to none of these questions, and more, join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Westworld! - Batman V SupermanE259
Batman V SupermanThat’s right, it’s a RiffTrax of Batman v. Superman! Specifically Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, not one of the several other Batman v. Superman movies out there. As you may have heard/seen/wept, this movie is catastrophically bad. From Ben Affleck’s “tired heartburn sufferer” take on Batman to Jesse Eisenberg’s Jolly Rancher poppin’ millennial caricaturin’ Lex Luthor to SO MUCH MORE BAD STUFF, we realized we couldn’t do it alone. We had to call in some backup, some heavy-hitting friends to break this thing down into sections and defeat it as a team. So, as they say in the Justice League, let’s Assemble some Avengers! Along with team leaders Mike v. Kevin v. Bill, we’ve got riffing powerhouses: Mary Jo Pehl v. Bridget Nelson! Frank Conniff v. Trace Beaulieu! Janet Varney v. Cole Stratton! Matthew Elliott v. Ian Potter! And, in their riffing debut, Rifftrax Writer/Producers Conor Lastowka v. Sean Thomason! Join the team, call your mom Martha, no matter what her real name might be, and let’s take on Batman v. Superman together! - Jack FrostE260
Jack FrostOkay, now that we’ve got that out of the way, grab your stovepipe hat and favorite murder implement for Jack Frost! A truck carrying a vicious serial killer crashes into a truck carrying some non-specific chemicals, and, instead of just dying horribly, the serial killer becomes a serial killing snowman who loves making corny quips! Stan Lee would be proud. Jack is out for revenge against the small-town sheriff who put him away years ago, and he’ll stop at nothing to get it - again, before you forget, this is a story about a snowman, the big round carrot-nosed kind. He moves around by melting and re-forming through a very slow process, he is made of LITERAL SNOW, and yet people have a hard time stopping him. People including pre-fame Shannon Elizabeth. Actually, it’s probably safe to refer to everyone in this movie as “pre-fame.” Put a little horror in your holiday. Get the coal and corncob pipe and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Jack Frost! Head Writer Mike Nelson Additional contributors: Conor Lastowka - Senior Writer Sean Thomason - Senior Writer Contributing Writers: Molly Hodgdon, Jason Miller, and Mike Schuster - Starship InvasionsE261
Starship InvasionsDo you ever stop to wonder what it would be like if Canadian Ed Wood directed Star Wars with a bunch of pages from The Happening randomly inserted into the screenplay? You do??? Please seek help immediately! Now that those parties are receiving the medical help and/or electroshock therapy they need, the rest of you can enjoy Starship Invasions. The action starts when an obese septuagenarian farmer is abducted so a seductive alien can harvest his bodily fluids, and it barely lets up after that! By “barely lets up” we of course mean “many characters communicate via telepathy because it was way cheaper to shoot without worrying about lip sync.” When the abducted earthlings start offing themselves in increasingly comical ways, The Intergalactic League of Races grow frustrated with the leader of the aliens, played by Christopher Lee with his head stuck in one of the arm holes of his leotard. Will war break out somewhere in the stars? Is the League of Races underwater pyramid the crappiest set we’ve ever seen?? Will Lemon Drink be eyed??? Find out when Mike, Kevin, and Bill riff Starship Invasions! - The Journey: AbsolutionE262
The Journey: AbsolutionMario Lopez takes his dimples to space military school in The Journey: Absolution! A movie that contains no journey and even less absolution. But it does contain dialogue like this, an actual conversation in the film: "What time is it?" "9:22." "9:22, that's about what I thought." Speaking of time, the movie finds us 30 years after some sort of vague apocalypse that has led to some sort of vague future military base where Mario Lopez, Richard Grieco, and Jaime Pressly can vaguely act. One thing that isn’t vague: the movie is mostly about shirtless army guys doing shirtless things together, shirtlessly. Think the beach volleyball scene in Top Gun but with even fewer shirts. Also it turns out later that some of the shirtless guys are aliens. Or monsters from another dimension, or something. It’s not totally clear, but the important thing is, it’s exactly 9:22. If that’s not enough, this film was made by the same director who brought you A Talking Cat!?! (he released that one under a pseudonym, but put his own name on The Journey: Absolution, so make that of what you will). This one is a lot of fun, we hope you’ll join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Journey: Absolution. No shirts required! Head writer Mike Nelson Additional contributors: Conor Lastowka - Senior Writer Sean Thomason - Senior Writer Contributing Writers: Molly Hodgdon, Jason Miller, and Mike Schuster - Berserker: Hell's WarriorE263
Berserker: Hell's WarriorBerserker: Hell’s Warrior (not to be confused with Berserker: The Squeakquel) takes your standard Viking movie and adds a unique twist: total narrative incoherence! This comes as a shock if you’ve seen any of the director’s previous work, such as previous RiffTrax Merlin: The Return (not to be confused with Merlin: Port of Call New Orleans), which is widely used in film classes to teach the arts of storytelling, cinematography, and how to humiliate actor Craig Sheffer. Berserker: Hell’s Warrior tells the tale of two brothers who betray each other in the quest to win the love of the Valkyrie Brunhilde, thereby incurring the wrath of Odin, not to mention Irwin Troll and Gaylord Buzzard. What follows is a time-travelling mishmash that's the cinematic equivalent of reading a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book directly from front to back without actually choosing an adventure. Will Boar remain a cannibalistic Berserker for all eternity? Will Barek encounter delightful fish out of water antics in modern day situations? Can Odin please just get thirty damn minutes of Odinsleep, he had a very long day hanging from Yggdrasil! Find out all these answers and more in Berserker: Hell’s Warrior! - Invasion of the Animal PeopleE264
Invasion of the Animal PeopleWhat do a furry monster terrorizing Lapland, a wrecked spaceship, John Carradine, and a beautiful skiing star have in common? Very little, as it turns out! Nonetheless, you’ll find them all in Invasion of the Animal People! It’s fitting that a monster movie like this be stitched together, Frankenstein-style, from the parts of other films. Films that should have been left to rot in peace. A spaceship crashes in Sweden -- or maybe it’s Zurich, the piecemeal movie is pretty consistently inconsistent about what country we’re supposed to be in. Suffice to say, the less you know about Scandinavian geography, the more things will make sense. Anyway, the crashed spaceship kills some reindeer (that’ll teach them to taunt Rudolph) and so some people go to investigate it, and talk a lot, and occasionally we cut to John Carradine, the narrator, who talks even more. But do we ever finally get to the titular Animal People? Yes! Well, no. But we do get one Animal Person, a hilarious monster straight out of the leftover inventory in the back of the Halloween store that sets up shop in your local abandoned Blockbuster every year. Spooky! Strap on some skis and rip up your map of Western Europe, it’s time to join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Invasion of the Animal People! - Son of SinbadE265
Son of SinbadAt some point, Howard Hughes found time in between meticulously cataloging his urine jar collection and forcing Smithers into the Spruce Moose at gunpoint to produce a film about the Son of Sinbad! It stars, well… a guy named Sinbad! His son is nowhere to be seen! We are told that his father is also named Sinbad, but he does not make an appearance! Would it have been easier to just make the character Sinbad instead of the Son of Sinbad? Perhaps! But maybe this is the kind of confusion that arises when your executive producer is distracted with his many, many jars of urine. Also appearing in the film is legendary Persian poet, astronomer, and mathematician, Omar Khayyam, who is of course played by noted Missouri native Vincent Price. We believe Price was only available because he’d foolishly turned down the role of T’Challa. It’s a Sinbad movie, but unlike Shazaam, it’s very real, so join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this RiffTrax of Son of Sinbad! - Oblivion 2: BacklashE266
Oblivion 2: BacklashRemember how the first one ended? If you do, you’re ahead of us. But the important thing is, all our favorite sci-fi space western characters are back! Like Lizardface Jim Carrey type guy, or maybe it’s his brother! The Librarian-ish Cowboy! Bondage whip lady! Just-here-for-the-paycheck Isaac Hayes! Laura Ingalls Wilder! Cat Prostitute! And, last but also absolutely definitely least, Snarling Drunken Embarrassment George Takei! This time around the gang is after a rare valuable space mineral in them thar space hills, while on the run from a new character, the Vaguely Dickensian Assassin. And, naturally, they wind up facing off against a giant space turtle. Throw it all together and you got yourself some Oblivion, baby! Saddle up with Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Oblivion 2: Backlash, the movie that’ll have you saying “Maybe I should’ve given Cowboys & Aliens more of a chance. - Godmonster of Indian FlatsE267
Godmonster of Indian FlatsAt its heart, this is really a movie about the importance of branding. The Mutated Sheep Embryo That Kind of Lurches Around Draggling a Vestigial Leg and Screeching of Indian Flats? Not interested! But the Godmonster of Indian Flats? Now you’re talking! When a shepherd wakes up after getting the crap kicked out of him behind a brothel, he’s disgusted to find that he’s cradling what appears to be a hunk of raw mutton. But it turns out that if you put that mutton in an incubator and bombard it with mysterious Mine Vapors, you can turn it into a gross creature entirely unworthy of the name godmonster. And this would be a spectacular bad movie even if it DIDN’T have scenes like: a funeral for a dog, but the dog’s not really dead, they’re just faking its death because they are racist. Think that will make any sense once you actually see the movie? You do??? How long have you been watching out stuff!?! The Godmonster of Ybor City? Please. The Godmonster of Walla Walla? Go to hell! Mike, Kevin, and Bill will only accept the authentic, original, extra vestigial Godmonster of Indian Flats. Join them for one of the weirdest movies we’ve ever done. - Dark FutureE268
Dark FutureImagine a world… a twisted world… a world where, against all odds, Greydon Clark is allowed to make movie after movie in genre after genre, all while going somehow unpunished for his serious crimes against audiences and the idea of film itself. A terrifying prospect indeed. Fortunately, we at RiffTrax are here to bring swift (perhaps even, Final?) justice for these misdeeds. Or at least, y’know, some jokes. Dark Future sets up a rich and complex post-apocalyptic world with only one flaw: it makes absolutely no sense. The few remaining humans are kept alive in a pleasure theme park. Who uses the pleasure theme park? Robots, naturally. Because robots are famously all about physical pleasure, specifically in Wild West-themed saloon settings. That’s right, it’s an inverted Westworld! But there’s more: some shadowy figures known only as The Patrons keep sending the robots to the human pleasure world, instead of going themselves. Why? No idea. But hey, whatever you’re into is your business, Patrons, no judgment. If Star Games was Greydon Clark’s Flight of the Navigator, then Dark Future is his That Episode of The Simpsons Where the Itchy & Scratchy Robots Attack. Don’t disappoint The Patrons, head straight into the Dark Future with Mike, Bill, and Kevin! - Fairy King of ArE269
Fairy King of ArFairy King of Ar is a delightful journey into the magical land of fairies. It starts with Grandma dropping dead and dad contracting emphysema. And once you get a look at the fairy “special effects”, we think you’ll agree it gets even more depressing from there. When former leading man Corbin Bernsen discovers an ancient gold mine on his family’s property, he thinks it could be his ticket out of doing movies like Fairy King of Ar. But the mine is said to be inhabited by goblins and the townspeople fear that entering it could unleash a terrible curse. So Corbin does what any real American dad would do: send his kids in first! Meanwhile, Malcolm McDowell continuously trespasses on the family’s property, literally assaults the children, and tries to bash a fairy’s head in with a shovel. This is the comic relief character. At this point it should be obvious that Grandma got off easy. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for goblins, fairies, giants, and perhaps the longest bike chase scene in any movie since Time Chasers in Fairy King of Ar! - Star Wars: The Last JediE270
Star Wars: The Last JediEvery now and then here at RiffTrax we like to feature an obscure little indie movie that went by unnoticed. Just to make sure everybody gets that we’re real film buffs, y’know? So, to that end, here’s an underappreciated gem known as Star Wars: The Last Jedi! We’ve seen Star Wars movies with Luke Skywalker. We’ve seen Star Wars movies with weird space milk. But now, finally, we have a movie with Luke Skywalker drinking weird space milk straight from the teat of a… a something. His wife? It’s probably his wife. Hopefully they’ll get around to clearing up that relationship somewhere around Episode 52 or 53. It’s got a scum-filled casino (NOT a scum-filled cantina, how dare you suggest it’s anything like a cantina). It’s got a flyboy making catastrophically bad decisions, but everybody is still okay with him because he’s cute. It’s got space-texting AND space-Skyping. But who are we kidding? You’ve seen this movie, maybe more than once. It’s time to see it again, the right way, the way Mon Mothma and the blessed St. Jek Tono Porkins would’ve wanted you to see it. Many Bothans died laughing to bring you this riff. We’ve got Porgs on the grill, come on over and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Star Wars: The Last Jedi! - The House on Sorority RowE271
The House on Sorority RowWhereas most slasher movies choose elderly, saggy retirement community members as their victims, The House on Sorority Row turns the genre upside down by instead murdering a bunch of attractive sorority girls! When the evil and poorly dubbed house-mother Mrs. Slater discovers that her sorority girls are planning a party, she’s quick to cancel it. The girls respond in a perfectly reasonable manner: they force her into a swimming pool at gunpoint and pretend they’re going to murder her. (In their defense, the band they had hired had a non-refundable deposit.) You’ll be surprised to learn that such a well thought out plan goes awry, and before you can say “I know what you did last summer” the girls are being picked off one by one by a mysterious killer with a clown obsession. Will any of them survive the night? Is Mrs. Slater really dead? And are we really meant to believe that a 23-year-old woman had a Garfield poster hanging up in her sorority dorm room? Find out when Mike, Kevin, and Bill riff the cult classic The House on Sorority Row! - Gammera the InvincibleE272
Gammera the InvincibleDo you take your Gammera with one M or two? It’s two for Gammera the Invincible, the (sort of) first movie featuring everyone’s favorite big spinny turtle! Gam(m)era’s first appearance was in Gamera, the Giant Monster, released in Japan in 1965. A year later, American filmmakers added a few unnecessary scenes with Americans, an M to the name, and Gammera the Invincible was born! With a large audience of “people who probably thought they were going to a Godzilla movie” the series went on for years, as anyone reading this probably knows. And all the hallmarks of the series are right here in the original: A weird child with a powerful affection for an irradiated turtle. A turtle who was born to spin and fart fire. And of course, everybody’s favorite, long scenes of rational argument among government officials concerning how to deal with the crisis! Will Tokyo survive? Will a boy be forced to part with his pet turtle? Will Mothra ever get around to helping out? Take a flame-farting spin with Mike, Kevin, and Bill aboard Gammera the Invincible! - The DarkE273
The DarkAre you afraid of The Dark? You should be. Not because it’s scary, it most certainly isn’t, but because it will rattle your brains if you try too hard to understand what it’s about. Is it a 70s cop drama about a serial killer? Or a monster movie about a demonic alien creature zapping people with its laser vision? The answer is somehow both, but also neither. William Devane, currently starring in commercials where he convinces older folks it’s a good idea to put all their money in gold, is a “sexy” former cop turned novelist (sure, why not) out to avenge his daughter’s death in a battle against… whatever is happening in The Dark. Really, we spent a lot of time with this movie and we’re still not sure, we’d love your help. Rounding out the cast of stock 70s character actors who appeared in multiple episodes of Columbo, we’ve got “voice of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo” Casey Kasem as a grim police coroner, Cathy Lee Crosby, and Richard Jaeckel, who keen-eyed Rifftrax fans may recognize as the scientist who got yelled at by shirtless Leslie Nielsen in Day of the Animals. So yeah, there’s a lot to love in The Dark. But not a lot to see, because it’s dark. Step into the murk of the late 70s with Mike, Kevin, and Bill, and savor the darky darkness of… The Dark! - Omega CopE274
Omega CopThe surest way to tell you’re in for a really crappy movie, (other than “Written and directed by James Nguyen”) is the word Cop appearing in the movie title. We’ve covered Samurai Cops and Cyborg Cops and now we turn our attention toward whatever the hell an Omega Cop is. Seriously, we’ve watched this movie a bunch and are still not sure. We have learned that Omega Cops A) Take orders from Adam West B) Have to avoid solar flares that turn you into black-faced zombies and C) Are surprisingly reliant on crotch kicks as a way of dispatching enemies. Spanning exotic, post-apocalyptic locations such as The City Dump and The Bleachers at the Local High School After Field Hockey Practice Lets Out, Omega Cop is truly a feast for the senses, in the same way that an invasive pest who burrows into your nasal cavity will proceed to feast on your senses. - A Talking Cat!?!
E275A Talking Cat!?!Who is the Cat who Talks? None other than Eric Roberts! Director David DeCoteau (who directed the movie under the alias Mary Crawford, can’t imagine why) famously admitted that Eric Roberts recorded all of his lines in 15 minutes in his own living room. Which you’d never believe, hearing him in the movie! Because it sounds much worse than that, like he’s speaking from inside a tin can deep in a garbage truck in another dimension. Or maybe Eric Roberts’ living room IS a tin can deep in a garbage truck in another dimension? We may never know. There’s way too much good weird madness going on in A Talking Cat!?! to unpack in this blurb. But basically, he’s a cat sent by some mystic force with a magic collar that allows him to speak out loud, but only once to any given person, and always in a sarcastic tone of voice. He also thinks in a sarcastic tone of voice, like Garfield, but it takes a while to figure out when he’s talking and when he’s just thinking. Also, he’s there to set up a tech millionaire with a single mom who’s a caterer. Her catering business is apparently based 100% on her “top notch” cheese puffs. She’s all about cheese puffs, and you will never find a movie where the phrase “cheese puffs” comes up more often. Cheese puffs should honestly be mentioned in the title. And that’s just the beginning. This dish of lasagna just gets weirder with every layer you pull back. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this insane riff of A Talking Cat!?!, which they may or may not have recorded in Eric Roberts’ living room. - Ice Cream ManE276
Ice Cream ManIs there anything more unsettling than an ice cream truck? Driving around slowly, playing a tinny recording of a song that was popular a century ago, trying to lure children with crude hand-painted knockoffs of cartoon characters on the side of the truck? Yes, it turns out there is something more unsettling, and that’s if the ice cream truck is driven by a serial-killing Clint Howard. Ladies and gentlemen: Ice Cream Man. The kids in this sleepy little town are concerned their ice cream man might be a murderer who puts human parts in his ice cream, which is a fair concern because he basically tells everyone he meets that he is a murderer who puts human parts in his ice cream. Also a fair concern because, again, he’s Clint Howard. Traumatized by seeing gangsters murder the previous ice cream man when he was a boy (this is his actual origin story, not a joke), Clint grew up to somehow take over the business and add murder to the menu. From Jan-Michael Vincent as the world’s most bored cop to David Naughton as the world’s horniest rich guy, the movie is packed with bad adults doing bad things. So hey, who are THEY to judge the Ice Cream Man, really? Just kidding, they are right to judge him, he and his ice cream are beyond disgusting. He’s goofy, he’s gross, but at least he doesn't charge extra for a waffle cone. He’s the Ice Cream Man, join Mike, Kevin and Bill for three scoops of him today! - SpikerE277
SpikerThe year was 1983 and volleyball was everywhere! Beaches! Family reunions! Multiplexes (provided you were there on the single day that the awful volleyball movie Spiker probably ran in theaters!) Spiker tells the story of the men whose dream it is to represent the United States in the Olympic volleyball championship. It’s a lofty goal that requires sacrificing your career, enduring brutal training, and forsaking personal relationships. These men are, of course, idiots. But it’s all worth it for the shot to compete on the highest stage in something that dozens of people consider a legitimate sport. You’ll meet all the volleyball hopefuls: Sonny, Newt, Catch, and several more who presumably also have terrible names. You’ll marvel as Spiker morphs from a dumbass Top Gun ripoff into a hamfisted cold war parable. You’ll wonder how on earth one movie can possibly contain this many scenes set in regional salad bar buffet restaurant Souplantation and—OH MY GOD, are they really going BACK to Souplantation?? They were just eating there!! I thought this was supposed to be about volleyball!!! Grease up, crank “Playin’ With The Boys”, and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Spiker! - The Phantom CreepsE278
The Phantom CreepsBela Lugosi! An ugly robot! The power of invisibility! A military intelligence officer romancing an ambitious reporter! All of these exciting-sounding elements are undeniably contained within the runtime of The Phantom Creeps! Originally released as 12 serial episodes - some of which were riffed on MST3K - The Phantom Creeps was later stitched together into this feature-length film. Taking a big story like that and compressing it into something much shorter would take a lot of artistry and skill. It sure would. Fortunately for us at RiffTrax, that is NOT what happened here! Bela Lugosi plays Dr. Zorka, a mad scientist who has taken on a few too many projects at once. Robots, invisibility belts, picking up hitchhikers and then immediately driving them off cliffs, he’s a busy guy. Fortunately he has help from his beefy henchman Monk. Fans of the Batman serial we riffed will remember Gabe, another great henchman. If you liked Gabe, you’re gonna love Monk. The fact Monk and Gabe never got their own spinoff is a real shame, as all serious film scholars would definitely agree. The Phantom Creeps is full of mysteries, chief among them, exactly what element of it is supposed to be the phantom, or the creeps, or what? Puzzle it out with Mike, Kevin, and Bill! - Ready Player OneE279
Ready Player OneHey gamers, strap into your X1 boot suit with microfiber crotch inlay and get ready to gunt. And remember, “a fanboy knows a hater!” NOTE: Everything in the preceding two sentences is straight from Ready Player One, we didn’t have to exaggerate anything, it’s really that gross. This alleged movie is an epic feat of fan service, assuming as a “fan” you feel “served” simply by seeing things you recognize flash by on screen. Watching it feels like being stuck in an unplayable cut scene from a video game, a video game you never get to play, and quite frankly wouldn’t really want to play if you could. But hey, gotta cut some slack for the novice director, probably their first time doing a big movie like this, let’s just check and that name, looks like it’s someone called -- STEVEN SPIELBERG?!?!? It’s a big messy sandbox, but it’s the perfect kind of mess for a RiffTrax, and this one is not to be missed. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill and howl into the void of empty nostalgia that is Ready Player One! Written by: Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, Sean Thomason, Conor Lastowka Contributing writers: Jason Miller, Zachary Shatzer - Terror in the Wax MuseumE280
Terror in the Wax MuseumTerror in the Wax Museum is a redundant title. Obviously, there has never been a movie wax museum that wasn’t swarming with unimaginable terrors, just as there has never been a John Carradine movie where he didn’t dodder around a secret laboratory full of Bunsen burners and dry ice. (Many people forget that during the famous “I’ll be there” speech in Grapes of Wrath, John’s in the background getting his tongue caught in a beaker.) When bodies start turning up in London, there’s only possible explanation: the various wax dummies have gained sentience and started murdering people. It’s actually a lot more plausible than the actual twist the movie serves up. Along the way you’ll get to watch people gawk at history’s greatest monsters: Jack the Ripper, Genghis Khan, Lizzie Borden, and the local lounge singer who, though she technically never killed anybody, really needs to improve her vocal range or at the very least learn another damn song! Mike, Kevin, and Bill all hope to one day be enshrined in Madame Tussauds. Until then, they’ll be setting for this riff. - Trucker's WomanE281
Trucker's WomanIf the old dusty carousel of audio cassettes at a truck stop could be distilled into a movie, this would be that movie. From the title to the fashion to the hair to the faces, one of the most 70s things you will ever experience is Trucker’s Woman! It’s a classic tale: a middle-aged man drops out of college when his trucker father is murdered by trucking mobsters, then immediately becomes a trucker himself so he can get to the bottom of things. Because there’s obviously no other way! Along the path to vengeance, the titular Trucker makes time to make time with various truck stop ladies at various truck stops and other trucking-based locations. Which one of these women is the Trucker’s Woman from the title? Not clear! All that, plus a nice role for Doodles Weaver! Don’t know who Doodles Weaver is? You will after this. He’s easily one of the top five most famous people with the name “Doodles,” after all. This movie is so 70s that it’s basically the Guy From Harlem of trucking movies, and that’s high praise indeed. Hop in the cab with Mike, Kevin, and Bill, and tune the CB radio to Trucker’s Woman! - Stranger Things Season 1 Episode 1E282
Stranger Things Season 1 Episode 1Flying in the face of Die Hard Law, Stranger Things is NOT a sequel to a show called Strange Things. It is, however, a sequel to just about everything else that came out in the 80s. And this is the episode where it all started, “it” meaning America’s vague awareness that there was a kid out there named “Finn Wolfhard.” Stranger Things gave us many exciting cultural touchstones such as The Upside Down, spelling words with Christmas lights, and a newfound appreciation for Eggo waffles. None of them will be appearing in this episode. But there is plenty of that guy from the commercial for those things you’re not supposed to eat! (Burger King’s Chicken Fries) Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and Barb for the very first episode of Stranger Things! Written by: Mike Nelson, Conor Lastowka, Sean Thomason Contributing Writer: Zachary Shatzer - Santa's Summer HouseE283
Santa's Summer HouseWhen a mysterious fog (fog FX not depicted) reroutes their resort shuttle, a group of tourists find themselves stranded at an elderly couple’s house. They don’t realize that it’s actually Santa’s Summer House, perhaps because the old man looks nothing like Santa and doesn’t even have a beard, and the home decor remains unchanged from A Talking Cat!?! (We assume that the house still smells like waffles.) Voluntarily returning to the mansion where A Talking Cat!?! was filmed may seem as reckless and irresponsible as Wendy Torrance returning to the Overlook Hotel. And while there are no axe-wielding maniacs, there is a trademark DeCoteau catering subplot! Speaking of eating, you probably shouldn’t eat anything that fell on the floor of this house, you don’t know what kinds of movies they’re shooting here after hours... Santa is played by Hollywood legend Robert Mitchum’s son Chris, who may just be the biggest paternal disappointment since Oedipus. Santa attempts to fix his guests' relationship problems; for some reason, this plan involves the longest croquet match in cinema history. To be honest, they might have been better off stranded in The Overlook with no TV and no beer. Mike, Kevin, and Bill may have been better off at Pirate’s World, but they invite you to join them for Santa’s Summer House! - Solo: A Star Wars StoryE284
Solo: A Star Wars StoryStrap on a vest and your smirkiest smirk, it’s time for Solo! The first Star Wars title that tells you exactly how high to set your expectations. It’s also the first Star Wars movie that’s officially a Star Wars Story. It turns out those other Star Wars movies weren’t stories at all, they were cinéma vérité documentaries. Which is really the only explanation for those long C-SPAN style Galactic Senate meetings. But there’s none of that dullness here! Well, okay, there is, lots of it. But it doesn’t feel like dullness! It’s an action-packed slog to the finish that dutifully checks off Star Wars trivia boxes like “the Kessel Run” and “meeting Lando” and “Han Solo’s famous lucky dice, you know, the dice that he definitely always had and have always been really important to everyone involved.” It’s got romance, a train chase, endless double-crossing, someone from Game of Thrones, and someone from Cheers. Also, fun new Star Wars facts like “Chewbacca has eaten people, like, a lot of people.” Gotta love him! Solo: A Star Wars Story proves once and for all that, before he became Harrison Ford, Han Solo was just a young guy doing his best Jack Nicholson impression. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill and see how it all happened! Written by: Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, Conor Lastowka, Sean Thomason Contributing Writers: Jason Miller, Zachary Shatzer Guest Riffs written by our Drip contest winners: Nick Pranger and Kurt Storm - KRULLE285
KRULLFor the first time in this or any other galaxy, the RiffTrax crew is delighted to take on the sci-fi fantasy classic Krull. Directed by Peter Yates, who also made Bullitt, The Dresser, and Breaking Away comes this thrilling, swashbuckling space opera. Travel to the magical planet Krull, where people travel freely through time and space, and yet everything is still lit with torches. Here Princess Lyssa and Prince Colwyn plan to marry and rule the land. But wait! The fair kingdom is invaded by a beast, appropriately named The Beast, and his army of Slayers, who slay a LOT. Princess Lyssa is kidnapped and it’s up to Colwyn to rescue her. Naturally he assembles a rag-tag band of misfits to help him. A wizard! A cyclops! Another wizard! A Robbie Coltrane and a Liam Neeson! Will Colwyn save his Princess from the clutches of dark magic? Probably! And he’ll do it with the help of his magical throwing toy, the Glaive. Join Bill, Mike and Kevin on their epic joke-fueled journey to the land of Krull! - Yor, the Hunter from the FutureE286
Yor, the Hunter from the FutureIt’s the future! Dinosaurs have made a comeback, whereas pants have gone the way of the dinosaur! At the center of it is a man named Yor, who is here to kick ass and hang glide on giant bats, and fortunately he’s not out of giant bats because boy is that scene where he hang glides on a giant bat hilarious! Yor is of course played by RiffTrax favorite Reb Brown, a Green Bay Packers Cheesehead Hat Who Assumed Human Form. In this film, Reb defies expectations, portraying Yor as a sensitive-yet-brilliant poet, who through articulate calls to reason—we’re just kidding, he punches dinosaurs and horns out on cave-babes. With an over-the-top theme song, cheesy creatures fx, and a ridiculous final act that will truly surprise anybody who didn’t finish reading the title, this flick is truly an 80s cheese connoisseur’s delight. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Yor - The Hunter from the Future! - Killers from SpaceE287
Killers from SpaceWhen an atomic bomb test triggers the arrival of invaders from another planet who command an army of mutated lizards and insects, one thing is clear: some hack director has combined the dumbest plots of about a dozen b-movies into a single film! There’s one thing standing in the killers way: a square-headed, big-faced guy who, since this is the fifties, we assume is named Steve or Bill. Steve or Bill can’t remember how he got the mysterious scar on his chest, which means we’re in for many long scenes of men in drab rooms looking serious. Sometimes they invite a woman into the drab rooms and graciously allow her to occasionally indicate that she is concerned. But when the killers finally appear, all is redeemed! Because they’re wearing prosthetic eyes (this is a fancy way to say “ping pong balls cut in half”) that make them permanently look like a cartoon wolf who has just noticed an attractive lounge singer. Join jarringly unnecessary closeups of Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Killers From Space! NOTE: Contains brief old-timey racism at the very beginning. - The Sorcerer's ApprenticeE288
The Sorcerer's ApprenticeNo, it’s not the terrible Sorcerer’s Apprentice movie with Nicolas Cage, come on, we wouldn’t do that to you. It’s something MUCH WORSE than that! The Sorcerer’s Apprentice comes from the same childlike-whimsy mill that brought us The Little Unicorn and Merlin: The Return. Speaking of Merlin: The Return, Merlin returns in this movie, too. There’s just something so compelling, and public domain, about that character! But this time, he’s played by the endlessly magical Robert Davi. And evil sorceress Morgana? None other than Kelly LeBrock, here to finally settle the question posed by Ghosthouse: who’s more popular in Denver, her or Kim Basinger? We’ll find out at last! We’ll also find out if the little blonde boy who’s in all of these movies fits in at his new school, reconnects with his father, and impresses a girl with his card tricks (okay, we all know that last one’s not happening). Okay, Merlin has returned three more times since we started this paragraph, so hurry up and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Sorcerer’s Apprentice! - The Girl from RioE289
The Girl from RioThe Girl From Rio, as you might guess, is about the island nation of Femina, which is inhabited by scantily clad superwomen intent on conquering the world. At some point, one of them goes undercover as a nail salon worker in Rio. In retrospect, the marketing department realized that they should have put more emphasis on the machine gun toting babes and less on the manicures. Also deserving less emphasis? The movie’s leading man, Jeff, a spy who on a scale of Jason Bourne to James Bond rates somewhere around the level of bathtub mildew. He’s come to Rio to kick ass and wear size fifteen sport shirts and fortunately the hotel is well stocked with size fifteen sport shirts. It must be a Rio thing. It’s Carnival time, so grab your beads and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill before the Girl From Rio pulls a Guy From Harlem and moves to Miami. - Rats: Night of TerrorE290
Rats: Night of TerrorThe atomic bombs have fallen, and a plucky brigade of… well, let’s face it, morons, are all that remains of humanity. For reasons unexplained, they go into town. Why do they live in out in the desert instead of town? This is also not explained. When it turns out that the building they’ve chosen to spend the night in is infested with rats who begin to pick them off one by one, why do they not leave? Not explai—Hey, you’re already ahead of us! Rats: Night of Terror delivers an abundance of the first word of its title, and pretty much none of the last word. You’ll meet characters such as Video, Chocolate, Lucifer, and Rat Victim #2. You will wonder how someone gets a job dumping buckets full of live rats onto willing actors, because honestly, it seems kind of fun. And you will encounter a titanicly idiotic plot twist that we really wish happened earlier in the movie. Please join Mike, Kevin, and Bill (all apprentice rat wranglers) for Rats: Night of Terror! - Zombie - AKA I Eat Your SkinE291
Zombie - AKA I Eat Your SkinZombie, AKA I Eat Your Skin, the movie so nice they named it twice! Or, if you’re more into “facts,” the movie they renamed for a re-release in 1970 to be paired with I Drink Your Blood. It was an interesting move to change the name to I Eat Your Skin, though, since the movie contains absolutely no skin-eating at all. Not even an earlobe nibble! A more accurate title would have been I Occasionally Chop Off Heads With a Machete Because I’m The Voodoo Kind Of Zombie, Not The BRAAAAINS Kind. See how snappy that would have been! Our hero is an oversexed pulp novelist who gets swarmed by women everywhere he goes, like he’s a Beatle or something. This time, he’s going to an island, and, we’re not kidding about this, the island is called Voodoo Island. What could go wrong? Well, plenty, because the island is home to a scientist who’s trying to cure cancer with snake venom, which keeps turning people into zombies instead. Big Pharma strikes again! Will the novelist, his new girlfriend, and his alcoholic publisher friend get away with their lives? Will a novel be written? Will any skin be eaten? (The answer to that last one is a definitive NO). Join Mike, Kevin and Bill for a weekend jaunt down to Voodoo Island for Zombie, AKA I Eat Your Skin! - Blood TheatreE292
Blood TheatreEvery time the Blood Theatre has opened for business, someone has died. But this time, the most incompetent theater owner in town has a good feeling about his chances! After all, he’s the brains behind such innovations as the totally necessary “movie theater employee locker room” and the enormous PA system that’s constantly blaring announcements to people who have already bought their damn tickets. So it will come as no surprise that things immediately go wrong and people die. But at least their theater uses real butter instead of that gross artificial stuff! One thing the Blood Theatre has going for it? It doesn’t show movies directed by Hobgoblins auteur Rick Sloane. Unfortunately, this huge plus is immediately negated by the fact that Blood Theatre itself is directed by Rick Sloane. It’s up to you if you wanna join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the riffing; the rest of us are gonna watch a nice, safe Neil Breen movie instead. - Giant from the UnknownE293
Giant from the UnknownYou know that feeling when you’re being chased by a murderous re-animated giant, and you’re like, “Where’s he FROM? What middle school did he go to? I wonder what he’s all about?” but there’s no time for small talk because he’s a murderous giant trying to murder you? Well, good news, we’ve found a movie that tackles this awkward situation head-on: Giant from the Unknown! A sleepy mountain town called Pine Ridge has a big problem: someone’s been mutilating their cows. Ah, it must be the giant from the title of the movie, you’re probably thinking. Spoiler alert: nope! Who IS mutilating the cows? Another spoiler: we never find out! It’s just one of the many confusing joys of this movie, with its unlikeable sheriff who seems like a villain but isn’t, and its Giant from the Unknown who is quite clearly a Giant from Spain, as the archaeologists searching for him make extremely clear over and over again. WILL we find out where the Giant is from? (Yes, Spain). WILL the mutilator of cows be brought to justice? (No, that storyline won’t be resolved in any way). WILL the hunky archaeologist hook up with the blonde or the brunette who are the only women in town? (We’re not telling you that one, tune in to find out!) Don’t miss the Giant from Spai-- er, sorry, Giant from the Unknown, with Mike, Kevin, and Bill! - The PowerE294
The PowerIt seems like every time a movie character unearths a mysterious idol from an ancient ruin, some cursed demon ends up imbuing them with a psychotic need to kill. But the characters in The Power have a pretty good feeling about this mysterious idol from an ancient ruin! When some teens bring a ouija board to a graveyard, they’re immediately arrested by the cliche police. Here to help them is Jerry, who’s in town visiting his...Sister? Ex? Daughter? We’re not exactly sure. What is certain is that nobody has ever been less of a leading man than Jerry. (This includes the teens’ Ouija board.) When The Power seizes control of Jerry, it’s all the teens and his sister-girlfriend can do to resist. Resist the urge to laugh at the laughable prosthetics they use to make Jerry look evil, that is. Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and a harmless little tiki idol that Kevin brought back from Hawaii for The Power! - Yesterday's TargetE295
Yesterday's TargetOnce upon a time, way back in 1996, the stars aligned and gave us Yesterday’s Target, a TV movie starring LeVar Burton, Malcolm McDowell, and a Baldwin brother! No, not Alec, too famous. No, not William, too handsome. No, not Stephen, too “funny.” The other one. No, come on, there’s another one, you just don’t remember. Think. THINK. Okay, fine, we’ll tell you: it’s Daniel. Yes, Daniel Baldwin! No we didn’t make him up; he’s real, he’s in Yesterday’s Target, and he’s travelled time to save us all, or something - so you should show him a little respect! In this world, unexplained eleven-month pregnancies are bringing on a new generation of people with psychic superpowers - one might call them “mutants,” or “X-Men,” if one weren’t too afraid of litigation. Daniel Baldwin, who can sorta move stuff with his mind, and a couple of his psychic pals have been sent back from the future to do… something? We’re not really sure; it doesn’t quite add up, but they do get a lot of headaches and grimace a lot. Perhaps the strangest choice the movie makes is casting LeVar Burton, the world’s nicest and most likeable actor, as a heartlessly cruel bad guy. Sometimes casting against type really works! Sometimes, it really doesn’t. To paraphrase the Reading Rainbow theme song, “Take a look, it’s in a book, it’s a bad moooovie.” If all this sounds kind of strange and nonsensical, that’s only because it is. Strap in for a psychic time-travel romp of Baldwinian proportions, join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Yesterday’s Target! - 1990: Bronx WarriorsE296
1990: Bronx WarriorsThe year was 1990. Milli Vanilli began their unstoppable march up the pop charts. The Church Lady was the favored impression of dorky dads everywhere. And evidently The Bronx was a wasteland overrun by gangs with really lame themes. There’s a tapdancing gang! A rollerskating gang! Presumably there’s a gang who only wears Zubaz pants (it being 1990). MST3K fans may recognize the sweet, lovable hero Trash from the Season 7 offering Escape 2000, the kind-of sequel to this film. Trash just wants to get to the other side of the Bronx. We think his goal is to evade The Warriors' copyright attorneys. If you’ve read this far, you’ve probably already guessed that former NFL star-turned-B-movie-king Fred Williamson is in this movie, and you would be correct. Also mentally cashing a paycheck throughout the production is Vic Morrow, who plays the era-appropriate Hammer. All things told, you could do worse for entertainment in 1990. Exhibit A: "Shiny Happy People." Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the only movie more 90s than Cool As Ice, 1990: Bronx Warriors! - Kill or Be KilledE297
Kill or Be KilledOh, Kill or Be Killed, where to begin? It’s a cornucopia of wonders, specifically South African martial arts wonders. If the title and long-haired karate hero seem familiar, that’s because we already riffed the sequel to this movie, Kill and Kill Again. Why did we riff them out of order? That’s a good question. Another good question would be, why were either of these movies made? The answer to both questions is “who knows, but enjoy!” The plot of Kill or Be Killed is somehow even more whacked-out than the sequel. Back in the 1940s, a Nazi officer disgraced himself when his German karate team lost to Japan in a tournament attended by none other than Mr. Adolf Hitler. Um, embarrassing! Now, 30 years later, the Nazi has built a castle hideout in the desert, where he challenges his Japanese karate rival - who is named, no joke, Miyagi - to a redo of the tournament he lost decades ago. But this time, there will be no audience, and also no purpose, other than trying to soothe the Nazi’s hurt feelings. Quite frankly, this Nazi is kind of a weenie. Both teams try to recruit our hero, karate legend Steve Hunt - played by none other than James Ryan, who you might recognize as the villainous MacPhearson from Space Mutiny (he does much less karate in that movie). But Steve isn’t really interested in the pointless tournament, he’d rather hang out with his girlfriend, who also does karate, naturally. All that, plus Chico! Chico is the Nazi’s wisecracking sidekick, but he’s so much more than that. We don’t want to give too much away, but Chico is without a doubt the real star and hero of this movie. Get Chico fever, and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the vague revenge saga that is Kill or Be Killed! - The Million Eyes of SumuruE298
The Million Eyes of SumuruAn international cabal of sexy ladies has set their sights on the world’s richest and most powerful men. There’s only one thing that can stop them: a middle-aged guy who wears his pants hiked up maybe three inches below his nipples. Typically this would not present a problem for such an advanced organization, but they didn’t count on one thing: this idiot is the star of a sixties movie and they are therefore required to fall in love with him despite the fact that he looks like someone who might have unsuccessfully tried to sell Don Draper flood insurance on Mad Men. Assisting our hero is Frankie Avalon, who, despite not being Frankie Vallie, still sucks big time. They’ll also encounter Klaus Kinski, who apparently was able to embarass himself in B-movies on the rare occasions he wasn’t shrieking at Werner Herzog. There’s also statue rays, army guys in tiny shorts, and killer nuns because hey: that’s Sumuru’s vision, and she’s the one with the million eyes. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Million Eyes of Sumuru, and then stick around for the next film in the SCU (Sumuru Cinematic Universe) The Girl from Rio! - Street FighterE299
Street Fighter“Hadouken!” “Shoryuken!” Perhaps the two most iconic special moves from the classic video game Street Fighter II. Will you see or hear either of these moves in Street Fighter, the film adaptation of that game? No! Were 90s kids disappointed by this movie? Very! Apparently the makers of Street Fighter decided the basic structure of the video game - a fun, colorful martial arts tournament - would NEVER WORK as a movie. Instead, they plugged the game’s characters into a storyline about M. Bison - played by Raul Julia in his final role - trying to take over the world as a military dictator. Who needs karate-fireballs and exciting monsters when you could watch General Bison lay out his plan for a new currency, right kids? Opposing Bison is Guile, played by JCVD himself, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Guile is the leader of some sort of Allied Nations military group because sure, why not. Joining him is Chun Li, except now she’s a TV news reporter, and E. Honda, who is now a Hawaiian sumo wrestler and part-time news cameraman. Also Ryu and Ken are there, as gun smugglers dispensing lame quips instead of the aforementioned Hadoukens and Shoryukens. See the movie that had kids everywhere saying “Mommy, is that sickly looking guy really supposed to be Blanka? Can I go sit in the lobby and cry?” Smash a car with a lead pipe in the bonus stage and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Street Fighter! Written by: Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, Conor Lastowka, Sean Thomason Contributing Writers: Jason Miller, Zachary Shatzer - Subspecies IV: The AwakeningE300
Subspecies IV: The AwakeningThe Subspecies movies chronicle the growth and evolution of the lifeforms developing on the vegetable ingredients behind the sneezeguard at a major sub sandwich franchise. Oh, sorry, that’s wrong, it’s vampires, the movies are about vampires. Either way, it’s probably a good idea to take some antibiotics before digging in to Subspecies IV: The Awakening! Now, don’t worry if you haven’t seen the first three films in the series, we haven’t either. You’ll have no problem getting up to speed, because roughly 30% of Subspecies IV is just flashback footage reused from the previous movies. Convenient AND cost-effective! Subspecies IV tells the tale of some very whispery, ancient, and deeply unappealing vampires fighting for power and ownership of an artifact called the Bloodstone. The story is set in a vaguely Transylvanian town full of vaguely Transylvanian people. Basically, the movie feels like a group of goth teens improvising a vampire LARP, but with lower production values. What are you waiting for, these Subspecies ain’t gonna Awaken themselves! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Subspecies IV: The Awakening, and get ready to drink a few precious drops from the Bloodstone.