Onion News Network

Season 2010

TV-PG
Onion News Network is a parody television news show. The show premiered its ten-episode first season on January 21, 2011, at 10:00 p.m. EST on IFC.

In March 2007, The Onion launched The Onion News Network, a daily web video broadcast that had been in production since sometime in mid-2006. The Onion invested about $1 million in production and hired 15 staffers to focus on the venture. Carol Kolb, former Editor-in-Chief of The Onion is the ONN's head writer; and Will Graham is the showrunner and Executive Producer. It is implied on-air that the ONN show "FactZone with Brooke Alvarez" is "simulcasted" on IFC Friday nights at 10pm ET.

Where to Watch Season 2010

62 Episodes

  • VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill
    E300
    VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut SpillClean-up crews are hard at work after a VH1 bus carrying reality show contestants overturned, spilling 2,000 pounds of highly concentrated slut.
  • Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen
    E301
    Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every CitizenCongo lawmakers are convinced the stimulus package will give Congolese the assault weapons they need to obtain clothes, food.
  • Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads
    E302
    Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy AdsCiting White House Pressure, Hennessy pulled the Biden ads saying "Joe will always epitomize the smooth, original style of our world class cognac."
  • New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion
    E303
    New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting AbortionIn The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion.
  • Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever
    E304
    Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than EverProducers say the last season of 'Lost' will contain an unprecedented number of twists and turns for fans to endlessly debate around people who don't care at all.
  • Crime Reporter: Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her
    E305
    Crime Reporter: Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing HerIn this episode of 'Raw Justice,' a depraved sex fiend violated his wife's body almost weekly for ten years before finally murdering her.
  • Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity For Anyone Who Hit On First Lady Last Night
    E306
    Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity For Anyone Who Hit On First Lady Last NightRep. Bruce Durant proposes a bill protecting anyone who who may have had a little too much to drink at a White House event and called Michelle Obama a "beautiful queen."
  • Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season
    E307
    Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another SeasonChris Lukawski, a longtime devotee of the Packers and beer, is confident his battered liver and family can handle another NFL season of unrestrained alcohol consumption.
  • How To Put The Spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your Cat
    E308
    How To Put The Spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your CatMelissa Donley, author and cat relationship expert, visits Today NOW! with some tips for people in long term relationships with their cats.
  • Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk
    E309
    Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is DrunkComputer experts say individuals with upcoming bachelor parties or after work get-togethers are especially vulnerable to cyber attacks resulting in fraudulent late-night purchases.
  • NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018
    E310
    NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018The team of scientists says the $19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018.
  • New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other
    E311
    New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each OtherThe Minnesota law would nullify the marriages of an estimated 2.4 million couples currently living in silent resentment or seething hatred.
  • Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence
    E312
    Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To ViolencePanelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means.
  • Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed By Lars Von Trier
    E313
    Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed By Lars Von TrierTourism officials hope the acclaimed Danish director's bleak vision of unsettling sexuality and brutal violence will attract more visitors to their country.
  • Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting
    E314
    Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee MeetingRep. Cummings (D-VA) vows to ignore the haters and rise above the drama during the filming of his new reality series.
  • Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech
    E315
    Obama Caught Lip-Syncing SpeechAfter Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches.
  • How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?
    E316
    How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramshackle homes.
  • Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere
    E317
    Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening SomewhereExcruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.
  • Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python
    E318
    Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet PythonRich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.
  • Kentucky Violated NCAA Rules While Recruiting Basketball-Playing Dog
    E319
    Kentucky Violated NCAA Rules While Recruiting Basketball-Playing DogThe NCAA will investigate the Kentucky program for major recruiting violations including improper gifts of milk bones and rope tug toys.
  • Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter'
    E320
    Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter'Bestselling author Craig Wheedon stops by Today NOW! to urge ladies to face the truth and dump the shapeshifter.
  • Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals
    E321
    Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable MealsStouffers says the suicide prevention tips are available on all single serving microwavable dinners whether you enjoy veal parmigiana alone or beef stroganoff alone.
  • Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday
    E322
    Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die SomedayTulane University researchers say Quigley is now able to experience the crippling fear of impending death previously only accessible to humans.
  • Red Sox Announce Plans To Return Fenway To Original 1912 Conditions
    E323
    Red Sox Announce Plans To Return Fenway To Original 1912 ConditionsNostalgic Sox fans will be delighted by the re-antiquated Fenway Park complete with splintered bleachers and obstructed views.
  • Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything'
    E324
    Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything'Suspect Alex Croft, who has a ton of black friends, planned to kill Obama because of his socialist agenda; not because of his skin color.
  • DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son's Room
    E325
    DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son's RoomDEA Official Stephen Lovejoy says Matt Lovejoy was found in possession of 1/8th ounce of marijuana and a glass pipe in defiance of the law and his Mother.
  • Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation's Porn From Future Generations
    E326
    Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation's Porn From Future GenerationsCongress hopes the Pornographic Media Concealment Act will ensure a lasting, respectable legacy for our nation, unmarred by the massive quantities of filthy porn we regularly consume.
  • In The Know: Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?
    E327
    In The Know: Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?In The Know panelists debate how a high quality product like the EZ-Go Juicer could be available at such a low, low price.
  • 'Iron Man 2' Buzz Heats Up Over Rumors Gwyneth Paltrow Gets Punched In Face
    E328
    'Iron Man 2' Buzz Heats Up Over Rumors Gwyneth Paltrow Gets Punched In FaceMovie-goers are flocking to buy advance tickets for the sequel, hoping to be among the first to see the rumored scene in which Paltrow gets brutally punched in the face.
  • Jockey Liam Hollins The Favorite To Brutally Whip Horse To Kentucky Derby Win
    E329
    Jockey Liam Hollins The Favorite To Brutally Whip Horse To Kentucky Derby WinFresh from his Blue Grass Stakes win, Hollins moves onto the Kentucky Derby where he hopes to be the first to mercilessly beat a horse across the finish line.
  • Live Feed: Obama Attends The White House Maintenance Staff Annual Dinner
    E330
    Live Feed: Obama Attends The White House Maintenance Staff Annual DinnerLive O-SPAN coverage of the 75th annual dinner with a special awards presentation to the crew who tirelessly buffed every inch of the White House State Floor this past winter.
  • 'The Cressbeckler Stance' -- Coming Soon To The Onion News Network
    E331
    'The Cressbeckler Stance' -- Coming Soon To The Onion News NetworkThis spring on the Onion News Network '08 Presidential candidate and unabashed straight-shooter Joad Cressbeckler returns to tackle today's toughest issues. America's Goin' Joad.
  • Drew Barrymore's New Tell-All Coloring Book Hits Shelves
    E332
    Drew Barrymore's New Tell-All Coloring Book Hits ShelvesA Hollywood insider since childhood, Barrymore finally reveals all in her new 42-page autobiographical coloring book. 
  • Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public
    E333
    Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In PublicOrganizers say until there is absolute acceptance of breastfeeding, nursing moms must vigilantly expose their swollen, milk-sodden breasts everywhere from community cookouts to the local hardware store.
  • Semi-Literate Former Gold Prospector Given Own Cable News Show
    E334
    Semi-Literate Former Gold Prospector Given Own Cable News ShowThe former third party presidential candidate returns to helm 'The Cressbeckler Stance' and sound off on flannel-mouthed liars from Washington to Wall Street.
  • New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' Ears
    E335
    New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' EarsThe new feature reduces Google phone users' cell phone costs while providing them with unobtrusive, personalized ads delivered in a friendly whisper.
  • Future News From The Year 2137 - Coming Summer 2010
    E336
    Future News From The Year 2137 - Coming Summer 2010
  • Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming
    E337
    Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global WarmingConstitutional debate continues over whether public schools should include biblical Armageddon alongside global warming in end-of-world curriculum.
  • Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All Night
    E338
    Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All NightThe bipartisan group of representatives who submitted the emergency bill late last night say they stand by it, though they don't completely remember all of the details.
  • Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze
    E339
    Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy BlazeJim and Tracy welcome fallen firefighter Logan Norelli's wife on Today NOW! for a special tribute to a true American hero and total smokin' hottie.
  • Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining Subscribers
    E340
    Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining SubscribersThe paper says the new personalized articles target the interests of Massachusetts residents and final three Globe readers Michael Fisher, Camille Kresge, and Buddy.
  • Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?
    E341
    Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in their teenagers' bedrooms.
  • Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay
    E342
    Soccer Officially Announces It Is GayPlagued for years by swirling rumors about its sexuality, soccer has finally come out, becoming the world's first openly gay sport.
  • Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction
    E343
    Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human InteractionOn Today Now!, 87-year-old Beverly DeAngeles gives tips for trapping a census worker in your home for as long as possible.
  • USDA Recalls 96,000 Pounds Of Tainted Beef From One Family
    E344
    USDA Recalls 96,000 Pounds Of Tainted Beef From One FamilyOfficials say a positive E. coli test prompted the recall, affecting the Wharton family's stores of ground beef, beef chuck, and rump roast.
  • Congress, 1924: Rep. Demands Horses Wear Dresses To Hide Foul Penises
    E345
    Congress, 1924: Rep. Demands Horses Wear Dresses To Hide Foul PenisesIn June 1924 Representative Oliver Shaker (D) condemned government inaction on the issue of publicly exposed horse penis and proposed a law which would federally equire horses to wear modesty dresses.
  • Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation's Capitol To Spare Life Of 'Twilight' Author
    E346
    Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation's Capitol To Spare Life Of 'Twilight' AuthorONN's Terrorism Expert Omar Al-Farouq explains how Al Qaeda's love for the beloved teen vampire series prevented the death of thousands.
  • Future: News From The Year 2137 Trailer
    E347
    Future: News From The Year 2137 TrailerWhile other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. With our state-of-the-art wormhole satellites, we can now transmit Onion News Network broadcasts from the year 2137.
  • Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses
    E348
    Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New VersesSusan Eckman from The National Archives comes on Today Now! to share newly discovered National Anthem verses about brutally decapitating enemies during the War of 1812.
  • New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products
    E349
    New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac ProductsTech Trends' Jeff Tate explains the new service that pairs insufferable Apple customers with "friends" that will listen to them rattle on for hours.
  • Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate
    E350
    Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform DebateIn The Know panelists discuss yesterday's truck accident, and why nothing was done to prevent the vehicle from accidentally spiraling out of control and killing rafters in canyon below.
  • Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody
    E351
    Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody"'Molly' and Developmental Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Ives come on Today Now! to talk about her upbringing as a half-human, half-Wolf Blitzer.
  • Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From Africa
    E352
    Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From AfricaToday Now! welcomes entertainment reporter Alex Blair, who has all the gossip on Jen's adorable new man.
  • Guatemalan Flight's Data-Recording Parrot Holds Clues To Crash
    E353
    Guatemalan Flight's Data-Recording Parrot Holds Clues To CrashChilling audio recovered from Flight 1134's data-recording parrot, Banana, contain mentions of "altitude loss", "pretty feathers".
  • TIME Announces New Version Of Magazine Aimed At Adults
    E354
    TIME Announces New Version Of Magazine Aimed At AdultsDoing away with kid-friendly info bubbles and colorful photos, new 'TIME Advanced' will cater to adults with an interest in news.
  • Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit?
    E355
    Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit?The Panelists on In The Know discuss the many ways in which our educational system caters to students who try, care, are awake.
  • Police Seize More Than $50 In Wire From Nation's Wealthiest Crystal Meth Dealer
    E356
    Police Seize More Than $50 In Wire From Nation's Wealthiest Crystal Meth DealerPolice invaded notorious meth dealer Daryl Krogen's home, seizing dozens of bicycle parts and more than ten dollars worth of stolen paint.
  • How To Thrust Your Fat Into A More Appealing Shape
    E357
    How To Thrust Your Fat Into A More Appealing ShapeAuthor Nina Davis visits the hosts of Today Now and informs them that you don't have to diet to look slimmer, just mash your flab into a more flattering silhouette.
  • CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica
    E358
    CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa RicaIn this O-SPAN clip from 1963, the CIA explains that the accidental overthrow was due to "a little miscommunication" while overthrowing some nearby Central American countries.
  • Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve
    E359
    Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor ReserveThe emergency influx of bachelors is expected to combat crisis levels of good men ready for something real.
  • NASA Honeyfuggling America With Nonsense Space Dreams
    E360
    NASA Honeyfuggling America With Nonsense Space DreamsOnion News Network pundit Joad Cressbeckler takes NASA to task for getting full as a tick on the hard earned money of Americans.
  • How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You're Banging On The Side
    E361
    How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You're Banging On The SideOn Today Now!, golf expert Jordan Ritter has some Pro Tips for maintaining a steady swing while hitting the links with your mistress' husband.

 

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