Late Show with David Letterman
Season 8
TV-PG
David Letterman's comedic talk-show after moving to a new television network. He retains largely the same format as the previous 'Late Night with David Letterman.'
Where to Watch Season 8
197 Episodes
- Renee Zellweger, Bonnie RaittE12
Renee Zellweger, Bonnie RaittAfter reviewing stills of Dave's hand being stitched up, we're ready for the removal of the stitches, simulcast on www.cbs.com/lateshow. In the guest chair is Dr. Lou Arrone; he says Dave "almost cut off the tip of his finger." Dr. Robert Hodgkiss comes out and puts on goofy glasses. The Hi-Ho Babes bring out the medical equipment. Dave plays with special small magnifying camera by putting it in his mouth and down his pants. Finally, all 3 stitches come out. Shortly afterwards, Rupert brings in potato salad. - Sally Field, Eddie IrvineE18
Sally Field, Eddie IrvineA "Banned from the Classroom" bit includes a jar of spit ball spit; Jack Daniels drink boxes; Professor George W. Bush's Build Your Own Electric Chair kit; the book Human Sexuality by the Gores; Elmer's Paste with Sprinkles; Dave Letterman anatomy chart; Crayola 64 pack cigarettes; and Hot Wheel Cars with (exploding) Firestone tires. - Sylvester Stallone, Rocco DiSpiritoE21
Sylvester Stallone, Rocco DiSpiritoDave goes on another lengthy tirade, correcting an article that appeared in yesterday's New York Times Magazine, calling Rush Limbaugh a "giant bag of gas," and then showing a photo of Jay Leno to demonstrate why his rival is "the goofiest-looking man in television." - Denzel Washington, Mark KnopflerE23
Denzel Washington, Mark KnopflerDave comments on Monday's rant by stating that while he has never been a non-voting Republican (according to the Times Magazine), he once registered as a Democrat. Later, Denzel Washington promotes "Remember the Titans" and wishes his wife a happy birthday. - Jada Pinkett Smith, LL Cool JE25
Jada Pinkett Smith, LL Cool JDave makes another Ball State Football Update, declaring last week's 74-0 trouncing by Kansas State as being closer than the score reveals. Later, Alan Kalter interrupts Dave to scoff at news of Barbra Streisand's last concert, takes some time alone, then sobs uncontrollably. - Farrah Fawcett, Loretta LynnE28
Farrah Fawcett, Loretta LynnPaul's sick tonight, so Anton's in charge and Cliff Carter sits in on keyboards. Dave calls "Paul" (who has a nasty upper respiratory thing), with Barry White providing the ailing bandleader's voice. Later, the annual "New for Fall" segment introduces "Biff Henderson's All-Star Impressions of Sleeping Celebrities" and drinking fountains filled with hot cocoa. - Kevin Spacey, Lenny KrayzelbergE29
Kevin Spacey, Lenny KrayzelbergBiff plays "Super Unlabeled Canned Goods of the Night" (now with institutional-sized cans). Biff tastes chili, but Warren thinks it was chili the last time he sat in. He's wrong: it was ravioli on Sept. 15. Oh yeah, and Paul's still sick. - Magic Johnson, JewelE30
Magic Johnson, JewelSince Paul's still sick, a guy comes out to show what Paul would have worn tonight; Eddie Brill fills in for Alan; Al Rent of Ball State comes out to give Dave the game ball from their big win that weekend; Ben Stiller has a dream where he walks onstage naked. - Jason Alexander, Anthony Boudain, Foo FightersE33
Jason Alexander, Anthony Boudain, Foo FightersCalvert grabs a Kleenex® from Dave's desk during the jokes; Warren Zevon is still sitting in for Paul, who has developed pneumonia; a segment called "What Does It Cost?" reveals that Dave Dorsett takes his pay in adult videos. - Mark Wahlberg, IncubusE35
Mark Wahlberg, IncubusDuring tonight's "Alan Kalter's Campaign Round-Up," the announcer sings an impromptu rendition of "Who Let the Dogs Out"; George Clarke attempts to lose weight by fasting through the rest of the show, only to end up treating himself to a hoagie after the first interview; Dave bullies Warren and Anton into writing and performing an original composition on the spot. - James Caan, Angela Perez BaraquioE36
James Caan, Angela Perez BaraquioPaul's back and finished with his lengthy bout with pneumonia; throughout the week Dave introduces vegetables that didn't win a prize at the fair, and tonight it's farmer Bob Fowler and his regular-sized squash; Miss America 2001 (Miss Hawaii) demonstrates one version of a hula. - Joaquin Phoenix, Allison MoorerE38
Joaquin Phoenix, Allison MoorerDave lists some rejected Ball State mascot names from long ago, and learns that their previous nickname was the "Hoosieroons." So, Dave announces that Ball State may name its football stadium for him provided they change the mascot back from Cardinals to Hoosieroons. Also, Dave shows Joaquin Phoenix what a silver dollar looks like. - Show #1500E42
Show #1500During the annual "Halloween Costumes" segment, Calvert claims a dead fish as his treat and Dave's car the morning after All Hallow's Eve; George Clarke gorges himself on candy in the basement; Dave shows a clip of Kenny Sheehan's guest role as the metal shop teacher on the October 29 episode of "Ed"; after being mocked on last night's Tonight Show, Dave does a crude Jay Leno impression. - Alec Baldwin, Gil de FerranE43
Alec Baldwin, Gil de FerranCalvert stands right smack in front of Dave at his desk and has to be shooed away; Biff, with a little help from Benny Agbayani, does an experiment on juiced baseballs on the roof; Alec Baldwin sticks gum on Maria's jacket during a commercial break. - Don Rickles, Moby & Gwen StefaniE46
Don Rickles, Moby & Gwen StefaniDave reports that before the show he was trying to trim his hair above his ears and accidentally buzzed himself in the lobe; the winners of the NYC Marathon run through, followed shortly by Calvert; Moby and Gwen Stefani sing "South Side." - Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris ElliotE53
Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris ElliotCalvert comes out to clean his glasses on Dave's jacket; Michael McDonald (of Steely Dan and Doobie Brothers fame) sits in; the show closes with the CBS Orchestra playing the theme from Dave's 1980 morning show, which was written by McDonald. - Matthew Broderick, David GrayE59
Matthew Broderick, David GrayCalvert applies Chap Stick to his face; Dave finally gives an explanation for his behavior two nights ago (something involving how he won't let anybody touch his neck); during "CBS Mailbag," Dave and Paul rush to the aid of a reluctant virgin in Massachusetts; David Gray sings "Babylon." - Martha Stewart, Christina AquileraE61
Martha Stewart, Christina AquileraRather than do something, Calvert walks onstage, stands next to Dave for ten seconds, then walks away; Dave now has twelve flags behind his desk; Dave and Martha Stewart make Beef Wellington; live via satellite from Dallas, Al Cordova is stuffed into a giant duffel bag. - Jon Stewart, EverlastE62
Jon Stewart, EverlastCalvert cleans the cameras; Dave refers to Paul as "President-elect Paul W. Shaffer;" Dave mentions that magician David Blaine is frozen alive in a block of ice at Times Square...cut live to the boiler room, where George Clarke dumps a bucket of ice into his britches. - CBS Mailbag, At the Drive-InE67
CBS Mailbag, At the Drive-InPaul walks over to adjust Dave's shirt; Calvert drinks more egg nog; during Mailbag, we watch "Dave's Trip to Norway," in which he ends up in Finland by mistake; Gerard thanks the country for electing George W. Bush because "(he's) one lazy-ass writer," then brings out all the actors who played his son Kevin. - Sean Connery, Barenaked LadiesE68
Sean Connery, Barenaked LadiesDave shows a clip of President-elect Bush and Colin Powell hugging rather awkwardly; Rupert, Mujibur, Sirajul, and Joe G. decorate the Late Show Christmas Tree; in honor of the aforementioned clip, Dave and Sean Connery attempt to hug as well. - Tom Hanks, Darlene LoveE69
Tom Hanks, Darlene LoveIt's "Bosnia Night" on the Late Show: Dave wears night-vision goggles during the monologue; the audience consists entirely of members of the Armed Forces; the Hi-Ho girls deliver t-shirts to the troops; Tom Hanks arrives via parachute; Darlene Love performs "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)." - George Clooney, SadeE70
George Clooney, SadeIn honor of his 35 years with CBS, Dave gives cameraman Dave Dorsett a fake Christmas gift; Dave announces that staff morale at the Late Show has never been lower, so Paul suggests the services of Montel Williams as a motivational speaker; in honor of the film Castaway, George Clarke is locked into the theater's boiler room and quickly becomes disheveled and deranged. - Lily Tomlin, Anthony ClarkE73
Lily Tomlin, Anthony ClarkCalvert comes out with his shiny new scooter; Dave asks Steph/Monty to tape "Jackass" for him; Paul discusses Hanukkah, then admits that he's in a drunken stupor; Dave claims that he's cold, so one of his assistants walks onstage to give him gloves to wear. - Sarah Jessica Parker, Jamie BellE77
Sarah Jessica Parker, Jamie BellDave mentions that Ed won a People's Choice Award for Best New Series. He says he's never won one "because the people don't like me." Alan Kalter brags about winning a similar award for "Alan Kalter's Campaign Round-Up," then taunts Dave by ripping his shirt off. - Tim Robbins, Julie BowenE78
Tim Robbins, Julie BowenAn old man resembling Calvert walks onstage after the monologue; 60's pop singer Jackie DeShannon sits in and croons some of her biggest hits; Dave shows (bogus) footage of President Clinton moving his belongings to FlashDancers; Alan Kalter makes several lewd comments about Secretary of Labor nominee Linda Chavez. - Dan Rather, Vinnie JonesE82
Dan Rather, Vinnie JonesDave shows a photo of a cake Dorothy made to commemorate the one-year anniversary of his quintuple-bypass; Dave asks Steph/Monty for some Miller® Lite inflatable chairs; after Barry White cancels at the last minute, Nancy Agostini shows highlights from yesterday's Giants-Vikings playoff game. - Sean Penn, Lauren KesslerE83
Sean Penn, Lauren KesslerDave starts off the show by discussing the launch of Oprah's new magazine, and then he shows a copy of Martha Stewart's rag, claiming that for a time Martha was penniless and living in hollow tree. Then he points out that now Rosie O'Donnell has a magazine. Exasperated, Dave says he's getting his own magazine "chock full of tips on how to live your life just like me!" and shows bogus Dave and Oprah magazines. - Matthew McConaughey, Elle MacphersonE84
Matthew McConaughey, Elle MacphersonDave complains that his chair is not as comfortable as he would like it to be, then hypothesizes that it's the lumbar adjustment that's causing the problems; during the latest "Last Time" segment, Alan pleads with Dave to retain the Top Ten list; Pat and Kenny create some awkward sexual tension. - Tom Selleck, Richard AshcroftE86
Tom Selleck, Richard AshcroftOn the eve of President Bush's inauguration, Dave tells one last "Classic Clinton Joke" from 1998. Also, during Mailbag, the staff falls victim to a gas leak, while a question about Alan's hair is answered by the announcer turning bright red and running around like a loony. - Keanu Reeves, Tony SiragusaE90
Keanu Reeves, Tony SiragusaDave casually mentions that today is the nineteenth anniversary of his first foray into late night, and Nancy Agostini and Mike McIntee walk out and give Paul flowers. Later, Dave chats with Tony Siragusa of the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens. - Jack Black, Aimee MannE91
Jack Black, Aimee MannDuring Mailbag, Harold Larkin goes to Jupiter, then looses his pants due to their extreme gravity; Alan Kalter discusses Good Morning America's plan to show a live childbirth on Tuesday, then offers his services for a live conception; Jack Black promotes Saving Silverman. - Anthony Hopkins, Erykah BaduE92
Anthony Hopkins, Erykah BaduDave's desk has been repainted a gaudy light blue; Dave rants about last Saturday's debut of the XFL, demanding that the players huck folding chairs at each other; "non-surviving Survivor" Kel Gleason denies that he brought a secret food stash to the Australian Outback. - Jennifer Lopez, matchbox twentyE93
Jennifer Lopez, matchbox twentyDave mentions that the front of his desk was painted blue the previous weekend, and now we know why: it's a makeshift screen for projecting various pieces of videotape. Amongst the clips: a monkey washing a cat, a kaliedoscope, footage of the sinking of the Titanic, and a clip from Jennifer Lopez's new film The Wedding Planner. - Marv Albert, Katie HolmesE94
Marv Albert, Katie HolmesIn conjunction with a certain upstart football league, Dave announces that the show will change its name to "XLS- the Extreme Late Show," effective immediately. Also, Dave makes a long distance call to Melbourne, Australia just so he can hear somebody say "G'day." - David Boreanaz, Mitch HedbergE96
David Boreanaz, Mitch HedbergFor the last month or so, a little old man walks onstage during the monologue, stands next to Dave, and walks away. Tonight, there's a twist: the old guy walks out, and followed soon after by an annoyed-looking Calvert. Both walk off stage without incident. Also, during Mailbag, "Police Chief" Bill DeLace gives dating tips, while "Bill Clinton" (Gerard) steals one of the guest chairs. - Kelly Ripa, Jamie OliverE97
Kelly Ripa, Jamie OliverDave engages in a lengthy discussion about stomach flu, then calls Art Kelly upstairs to inquire about staff members with the virus. Shortly afterwards, Art hands the phone to Stephanie "Monty" Birkitt, and Dave asks her if controversial Clinton pal Denise Rich has answered his calls. - Stupid Pet Tricks, Tom CavanaghE98
Stupid Pet Tricks, Tom CavanaghIt's milestone in the long and celebrated history of "Stupid Pet Tricks" as Regis the duck eats cottage cheese out of owner Rebecca Kraft's mouth. The sight of the stunt is so repulsive that Dave shows the clip repeatedly for several weeks to come. - Chris Rock, SpacehogE99
Chris Rock, SpacehogDave shows a Valentine's Day bouquet he claims came from Jackass star Johnny Knoxville; Dave comments on last night's grotesque Stupid Pet Trick, then shows the clip of the "rabid dingo" biting him in June 2000; Dave offers an office and a plump, young intern to President Clinton. - Megan Mullally, Eddie BrillE101
Megan Mullally, Eddie BrillA segment called "Dave's Henchmen Force a Price Waterhouse Executive to Reveal the Best-Picture Winner" pretty much explains itself; during Mailbag, a spoof of the upcoming film "Hannibal" reveals that Paul's brain is made out of guacamole; "George Clarke's Celebrity Interview" finds our hero shirtless, much to the annoyance of guest Kelsey Grammer. - Julia RobertsE102
Julia RobertsDave goes on one of his all-time greatest rants, this time protesting the inhumane conditions on Survivor: Outback, then chastises Tony for supposedly picking his nose with a cue-card. Also, the latest eliminated contestant on the aforementioned reality show, seven-foot-tall musician Mitchell Olsen, suddenly starts singing "I Will Survive." - Samuel L. Jackson, Timothy TreadwellE103
Samuel L. Jackson, Timothy TreadwellAlan Kalter interrupts Dave with a few seductive words for Jennifer Lopez on the occasion of her break-up with Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs. Shortly afterwards, he starts singing some sort of ballad, when suddenly "Big Red" is shot several times. Dave, looking rather deadpan through all of this, recommends Bacitracin® ointment for Alan's multiple gunshot wounds. - Bill O'Reilly, Jim GaffiganE106
Bill O'Reilly, Jim GaffiganSam Moore (of Sam & Dave) and Billy Preston sit in; Kansas State University high jumper Nathen Leeper can't demonstrate his talents on 53rd Street because of a snowstorm; during Mailbag, Alan smears macaroni & cheese into his hair, while "police chief" Bill DeLace threatens the audience; Nathan throws a dummy over the high jump bar. - Heather Locklear, Allison Krauss, Gillian Welch, Emmylou Harris, The Soggy Bottom BoysE108
Heather Locklear, Allison Krauss, Gillian Welch, Emmylou Harris, The Soggy Bottom BoysDave shows the woman/duck and "rabid dingo" clips yet again; Dave discusses the new theory that a meteorite may prove life on Mars, prompting Alan Kalter to go berserk with conspiracy theories; Emmylou Harris, Gillian Welch, Alison Krauss and Dan Timinski and the Soggy Bottom Boys perform a medley of songs from the film O Brother, Where Art Thou? - Martin Short, Jake JohannsenE110
Martin Short, Jake JohannsenDave sheds more light on his rant from the previous night, asking Paul if an network exec has ever said to him, "Do you have a problem with me?" Also, Martin Short performs a musical number about the recent one-year anniversary of Dave's return to television, complete with dancing nurses. - Michael Imperiloli, Josh Joplin GroupE111
Michael Imperiloli, Josh Joplin GroupMailbag: "My son Tommy turns five on Saturday. Will you come to his party?" Dave says he'd love to, then drives over to the kid's house. The magic of a celebrity guest appearance is hampered, however, when Tommy admits that he wanted Leno instead. - Antonio Banderas, Nick CaveE115
Antonio Banderas, Nick CaveThe suit that Paul's wearing tonight reminds Dave of Colonel Harland Sanders; the band plays songs by The Mamas and the Papas, in honor of the recently deceased John Philips; Dave rants about Tivo; after Dave mentions that the Survivor runners-up receive gifts when they appear on Rosie O'Donnell's talk show, latest loser Alicia Callaway brags about her new recliner and flat screen TV. - Kristin Davis, Grant PaulsenE116
Kristin Davis, Grant PaulsenJohnny Johnson and James Burton sit in with the band; Dave shows footage of MIR returning to earth, only to decimate the camp where [i]Survivor: Outback[/i] was filmed; Alan rants about why The Bay City Rollers are not in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, then suddenly starts singing "Saturday Night." - George Carlin, PowderfingerE118
George Carlin, PowderfingerA segment called "What We Love about Spring in New York" finds George Clarke in his favorite sundress and Harold Larkin beating the crap out of a pay phone. Also, Dave refuses to read #1 on tonight's Top Ten because he disagrees with the joke ("Gladiator sucks!"). - Nathan Lane, Shannon Elizabeth, Cast of The ProducersE119
Nathan Lane, Shannon Elizabeth, Cast of The ProducersDave announces he's feuding with AOL, claiming that they're "a rinky dink little deal" and that the "bastard geeks" are monitoring his email; the Top Ten is aborted; Nathan Lane performs a number from the hot Broadway show The Producers. - Isabella Rossellini, Wendy LiebermanE122
Isabella Rossellini, Wendy LiebermanAt the end of the monologue, Dave does his suit-modeling shtick; during Mailbag, Dave gets included in this year's Academy Award "In Memoriam" reel; Dave decides that from now on he'll do one thing each evening to annoy CBS, and for starters, he yawns repeatedly. - Hugh Grant, SadeE124
Hugh Grant, SadeDave claims he's been sending tons of obscene e-mail to AOL and that is ready to sue them for monitoring everyone's messages; Biff makes his annual visit to Yankees Spring Training; after Dave brings up David Copperfield's latest stunt "The Tornado of Fire," we go to the boiler room for George Clarke's "The Tornado of Soup," in which several buckets full of soup are thrown at him. - Paul Reubens, Run DMC & Stephan JenkinsE125
Paul Reubens, Run DMC & Stephan JenkinsThe "Late Show All-Star Security Camera" finds 70's sitcom star Gabe Kaplan trying to sneak inside the theater; Dave and Gaines argue over a Top Ten list that may be too offensive to air on TV, but Dave reads it anyway; Alan rants about the upcoming final episode of Xena: Warrior Princess, and to no one's surprise, falls to the ground and sobs in the fetal position. - Carson Daley, Jann Karem, The CBS Giant OrchestraE127
Carson Daley, Jann Karem, The CBS Giant OrchestraAfter four days in the making, it's "Orchestra Night" at the Late Show, with fifty combined strings, brass, and woodwind players taking up nearly the entire stage; during Mailbag, Paul and Dave settle a small claims dispute on the new daytime law program "Tony Mendez: Angry Cuban Judge"; Carson Daly is introduced to the tune of Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir"; Dave gets a free harp lesson. - Mike Krzyzewski, SemisonicE128
Mike Krzyzewski, SemisonicDave fumes over the reworked DVD edition of Lawrence of Arabia, and Jerry Foley letterboxes Dave and turns him blue to show the home viewers what Daddy saw on the disc. Later, he chats with Coach Mike Krzyzewski of NCAA men's hoops champ Duke University. - Holly Hunter, IdlewildE130
Holly Hunter, IdlewildDave returns to last night's rant about his faulty Lawrence of Arabia DVD, and announces that the producers sent him a new copy today, and that it did the same thing, thus leading Dave to the conclusion that his Pioneer DVD player was the problem all along. Later in the show, he flips through a catalog to pick a new player. - Tom Green, Dr. Geoffrey MarcyE131
Tom Green, Dr. Geoffrey MarcyDave celebrates birthday #54 by repeatedly showing a Gap ad featuring a very comely woman dancing/walking; we are treated to a clip show of some of the various moments of the last year, including the "dingo" bite and the cottage cheese-loving duck; Maria mentions that Pioneer was willing to give Dave a new DVD player on-air, but Dave politely screamed "No!"; the Hi-Ho girls bring out a giant cake, and Biff delivers slices to the audience. - LL Cool J, The Living EndE132
LL Cool J, The Living EndCBS Mailbag: "Who does your taxes?" Dave points out that someone named Jimmy does his taxes, and via flashback, we learn Jimmy is actually a dog. At the end of the segment, Jimmy walks onstage to a standing ovation. Also, Dave claims Paul and Felicia were married in Brussels, Belgium over the weekend, and ten accountants (including Fred Nigro) present the Top Ten. - Billy Crystal, The Bee-GeesE134
Billy Crystal, The Bee-GeesDave announces the woman from the Gap commercials is going to be on the show later this month, and then grumbles that he's given the Gap® several free runs of the commercial and he hasn't gotten any freebies from them. In a last ditch effort, Dave orders Jerry to run the commercial two more times, and near the end of the show he skims through their latest catalog. - Don Rickles, Jayson WilliamsE135
Don Rickles, Jayson WilliamsDave reports CBS sales figures the Late Show has run about $750,000 worth of free Gap® commercials so far, and for the first fifteen minutes of the show Tony accounts the free items Dave may or may not be receiving (a $640 value). In honor of having "Gap Girl" Melissa Bernheim on the show tomorrow night, George Clarke does his own version of the scintillating commercial. - Sylvester Stallone, Green DayE136
Sylvester Stallone, Green DayThroughout the night, "Gap Girl" Melissa Bernheim dances onstage; Dave mentions his victory at last night's American Comedy Awards; Dave says CBS will air this year's semi-controversial Miss Universe on May 11, so "Miss France, Elodie Gossuin" (Gerard) attempts to put at rest the idea that Miss France is male, with little conviction. - Kirsten Dunst, Cirque de SoleilE138
Kirsten Dunst, Cirque de SoleilDave comments on Survivor contestant Elizabeth Filarski's hair loss and how the producers of the show did not come to her aid; Dave (repeatedly) shows a clip from last night's live performance of On Golden Pond, during which he rants about censorship after the clip shows a boy saying "bulls***ting'" rather than stand by Maria's desk, Dave invites Elizabeth to sit down; Kirsten Dunst celebrates her 19th birthday. - Matthew Broderick, Brandi ChastainE139
Matthew Broderick, Brandi ChastainDave says the ladies on staff at the Empire State Building gave him a private viewing at the Hayden Planetarium. Also, Dave shows a (fake) clip of The Weakest Link where "Anne Robinson" (Kathleen Ankers) goes on a profanity-laced tirade. - Regis Philbin, David GrayE140
Regis Philbin, David GrayDave tells multiple "It was so hot today…" jokes; the outside cam catches a doctor at a sidewalk booth doing laser eye surgery with a magnifying glass; Dave plays the background music from "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" during his latest chat with Regis. - Tina Wesson, Kate Hudson, The Blind Boys of AlabamaE143
Tina Wesson, Kate Hudson, The Blind Boys of AlabamaDave mentions the Kentucky Derby, then whines about not getting to hear Dave Johnson saying "…and down the stretch they come!" Luckily, the other Dave does it for Daddy by phone. Later, Dave (the host) chats with Survivor: Outback champion Tina Wesson. - Kid Scientists, Juliette LewisE145
Kid Scientists, Juliette LewisIn her first appearance on the show, intuitive Deborah Lynn attempts to get George Clooney's phone number. She gives Dave a random number, but it's invalid. After the first commercial break, Dave asks her to find Pamela Anderson's number, but he ends up chatting with the owner of a trucking company in Idaho. - Jenna Elfman, Destiny's ChildE146
Jenna Elfman, Destiny's ChildDave rants about last night's Country Music Awards, claiming it's not "real country" anymore; Harold Larkin addresses an important labor issue until the whistle blows and he has to go back to work; Jenna Elfman tells a funny (albeit lengthy) story about donating bone marrow. - Heath Ledger, Lewis BlackE147
Heath Ledger, Lewis BlackMailbag: "I'm going to see a movie this weekend. Which one should I see?" Dave introduces a segment called "Kenny Sheehan's Movie Review," during which the stagehand watches a movie, and then hates it so much he destroys the projector. Also, Dave wishes his mom (live via satellite) a Happy Mother's Day, so a stand-in for Dave gives Dorothy a hug, and later they chug a few Heinekens. - Charlie Sheen, Missy ElliotE148
Charlie Sheen, Missy ElliotDave calls Art Kelly (the theater receptionist) about a possibly offensive joke from last Fridays' monologue involving Miss Columbia and having smuggling heroin as her talent. Dave apologizes (sort of) to a Columbian consulate, then goes on with the rest of show. Also, "Biff Henderson's America" takes a look at the hamlet of Whiting, Maine. - John Travolta, R.E.M.E149
John Travolta, R.E.M.Returning to last night's controversy, Dave announces Miss Columbia 2001 will be a guest on Thursday's show, then profusely apologizes for the heroin-smuggling remark; Dave shows an ad for CNN's season-ending cliffhanger; R.E.M. performs "All the Way to Reno (You're Going To Be a Star"). - Andrea Noceti, Jack Hannah, Ricky MartinE151
Andrea Noceti, Jack Hannah, Ricky MartinA technical issue near Paul's keyboards is repaired in the middle of the first act; Dave mentions that a cover of The Weathergirls' "It's Raining Men" (written by Paul in 1983) is the #1 hit in the UK for the second week in a row; Dave apologizes in person to Miss Columbia Andrea Noceli, then almost forgets to give her flowers. - Ray Romano, Dennis TitoE153
Ray Romano, Dennis TitoBuddy Guy sits in on guitar; Dave congratulates Regis on his much-deserved Daytime Emmy win; Steph/Monty tells an amusing story about her incontinent Doberman; Alan Kalter has a special message for the five wives of a recently convicted polygamist in Colorado City, Utah. - Stupid Human Tricks, Ellen DeGeneresE154
Stupid Human Tricks, Ellen DeGeneresDave shows the audience his favorite (bogus) moment from last night's show: astronaut/billionaire Dennis Tito vaporizing Dave's head with his laser eyes. Also, Ellen Degeneres promotes an upcoming cable special, while a Stupid Human Trick is performed twice. - Tom Brokaw, Badly Drawn BoyE156
Tom Brokaw, Badly Drawn BoyDave celebrates Bob Dylan's 60th birthday with concert footage of a very old man struggling to play the guitar; Tony Orlando interrupts Dave to sing an original number about Memorial Day; Badly Drawn Boy (aka Damon Gough) performs "Once Around the Block." - Danny DeVito, Larry MillerE157
Danny DeVito, Larry MillerMailbag: "Have you ever seen the Monkey Man?" Dave introduces the Monkey Man, who as any keen-eyed viewer can attest, is actually Gerard Mulligan in disguise. Monkey Man shows us a clip what is supposed to be his footage of him wrecking havoc, but instead it's him superimposed on Shecky's "monkey washing the cat" stock footage. Afterward, Dave observes, "That's it. That's the lowest we've sunk... ever." - Helio Castroneves, Tom Dreesen, Lucinda WilliamsE158
Helio Castroneves, Tom Dreesen, Lucinda WilliamsDave presents the new studio floor, which is now dark blue after several years of being crimson red; Dave admits he's having problems with his computer; Biff mentions that he's lost twenty pounds in the last month, then introduces yet another "Fun with a Bullhorn" segment. - Jimmy Fallon, The Black CrowesE160
Jimmy Fallon, The Black CrowesIt's time for a segment called "For the Kids." George Clarke hogs the attention of an ice cream vendor, a Toys r Us employee takes a bow, Tony attempts to teach basic phrases in Spanish before going on another one of his rants, and Alan gives birth. - Dan Rather, Elvis Costello & Anne Sofie von OtterE161
Dan Rather, Elvis Costello & Anne Sofie von OtterDave drones on and on about a buzzkill staffer who declined Dave's offer of a free apple; in honor of this unknown staffer, Paul reprises his hit song "Lumpy Colon"; Dave repeats Rupert's very first "bothering people" bit from 1994. - Kim Cattrell, Mary Chapin CarpenterE165
Kim Cattrell, Mary Chapin CarpenterDave helps Paul with some computer problems; in honor of the coming demise of Bozo the Clown, Dave shows (bogus) footage of the kiddie show star; Tony Mendez tries to help NYC's reputation by going out and giving a tourist some help, only to end up shoplifting a VCR at a electronics store. - Star Jones, blink-182E166
Star Jones, blink-182Dave continues to discuss the retirement of Bozo the Clown, but his remarks about big, red, ugly hair results in an inevitable hissy fit from Alan. Also, Dave honors the passing of Leonard Tepper with old clips of "Leonard Tepper's Hidden Video" and Dave directing him and Rupert on how to annoy people. - Jon Stewart, David BrennerE167
Jon Stewart, David BrennerMailbag: "Can I host the show for a few minutes?" Sure enough, viewer Jason Lynch is hosting the show, while Dave sits in the green room watching Leno. Also, Paul admits that he just can't get the hang of one of Dave's favorite phrases: "…and down the stretch they come!" - Tom Arnold, David SedarisE169
Tom Arnold, David SedarisLate Show with David Letterman is an American late-night talk show hosted by David Letterman on CBS, the first iteration of the Late Show franchise. The show debuted on August 30, 1993, and was produced by Letterman's production company, Worldwide Pants, and CBS Television Studios. - Ewan McGregor, MobyE171
Ewan McGregor, MobyPaul sits in the guest chair for five minutes so he can promote Cover Wars, a new game show he's hosting on VH1. Also, Alan announces that Epil stop n' spray is the new official sponsor of the Top Ten list, then shows video footage of it's hair "restoration" abilities. - Chris Elliot, Harry HillE172
Chris Elliot, Harry HillMailbag: "What would you do if the world was coming to an end?" Dave admits he doesn't know much about this topic, so he introduces astrophysicist "Dr. Saul Perlmütter" (Gerard), who announces that the world will end somewhat earlier than was previously thought; around Labor Day 2001, an eerie prediction. - John McCain, Shawn WayansE173
John McCain, Shawn WayansDave has another rant about his computer problems, claiming that Late Show techno-guru Walter Kim keeps coming to his house on weekends to try to help, but he steers clear of insulting IBM because of an advertising agreement with CBS. Also, Dave brags out Max Papis' (of Team Rahal) victory in last weekend's Portland 200. - Sean Hayes, Brian Wilson, Darrius Rucker, Matthew SweetE176
Sean Hayes, Brian Wilson, Darrius Rucker, Matthew SweetDave goes on a spiel about the traffic on the interstate this morning; an "Incredible Dog Challenge" is held outside, with the winning dog jumping over a giant phony check for a million dollars; Brian Wilson, Darius Rucker, and Matthew Sweet perform The Beach Boys' "Sail On Sailor." - Reese Witherspoon, Jonatha BrookeE178
Reese Witherspoon, Jonatha BrookeDave announces that he may have parasites crawling around head, prompting Paul to call him a "maggot brain"; Dave and Steph/Monty go over vacation pictures; Dave confirms that he has parasites by taking a sentence on a blue card too literally; a guy bouncing a giant tether ball to his head makes an appearance on "Is This Anything?" - Julia Roberts, TravisE179
Julia Roberts, TravisDave announces that Jude Brennan's cousin (a parasite expert) has told him that there's nothing to worry about. Also, on a remarkably star-studded night, Puff Daddy appears for a special Top Ten list, while Dave sees through Julia Robert's blouse and asks her if she's getting laid. - Edward Norton, DidoE180
Edward Norton, DidoDave grumbles about the lack of quality guests appearing on the show, during which Paul comments on his inappropriate question towards Julia Roberts ("Are you getting laid these days?") last night. Dave replies with "exclusive" footage of Paul asking Barbara Bush the same question. Also, Pat, Kenny, and Harold Larkin star in the new HBO series "Sexy Guys, Sexy City," while a renegade blue card knocks out Tommy Lasorda. - Juliana Marguiles, George MillerE181
Juliana Marguiles, George MillerDave theorizes on the show's four Emmy nominations (announced earlier that day)- either no one's watching or the voters don't care anymore; for the second night in a row, Alan is beaten up by a guy twice his size; a comedy bit from Show #499 about Steve Martin's preparations for appearing as a guest is repeated. - Piedmont Bird Callers, Hank Azaria, Maria McKeeE183
Piedmont Bird Callers, Hank Azaria, Maria McKeeRather than come out of nowhere, Dave orders the muscle guy to pummel Alan; during a segment called "Summertime Leftovers," Dave once again shows footage of his "look-alike" (himself, circa his morning show) playing "Camptown Races" on the fiddle; Simpsons star Hank Azaria plugs America's Sweethearts. - John McEnroe, Youssou N'DourE185
John McEnroe, Youssou N'DourAlan orders a pizza, and the delivery guy beats him up; live via satellite from the Indianapolis suburbs, Dorothy celebrates her 80th birthday with a Dave impersonator and a fridge full of Colt 45®; John McEnroe is interviewed twice after Dave gets curious as to which fellow tennis players he's dated. - Jeff Meyer, Christopher Walken, Widespread PanicE188
Jeff Meyer, Christopher Walken, Widespread PanicA celebration for Calvert's 80th birthday turns into an excuse for Dave to ignore him and flirt with the Hi-Ho girls; Dave chats with Jeff Meyer, who named a poplar tree after Daddy; Christopher Walken talks about his recent appearance in the Fatboy Slim video "Weapon of Choice." - Mark Wahlberg, Michael Lomonaco, Tegan & SaraE190
Mark Wahlberg, Michael Lomonaco, Tegan & SaraDave proudly announces that he's wearing orange socks tonight, but only so he can shove Steph's face into a birthday cake after the show; Alan gets beat up yet again, and remains bruised and bloodied for the rest of the show; Mark Wahlberg promotes the remake of Planet of the Apes. - Greg Kinnear, Afro Celt Sound System & Peter GabrielE191
Greg Kinnear, Afro Celt Sound System & Peter GabrielThe tambourine player sitting in with the band beats up Alan; Dave shows another old comedy clip to kill time (Show #818, Dave's harassment of delivery people); Greg Kinnear tells Dave what it's like to pilot a single-engine airplane. - Marilu Henner, Hugh FinkE192
Marilu Henner, Hugh FinkMailbag: "How long has Paul been bald?" Dave fears that this might be a sensitive question, but Paul rubs his chin anyway. A flashback reveals that Paul used to have a long, wavy mane before an accident with Dave's chemistry set turned him into a bald, hideous freak. Vowing revenge, Paul turns into a superhero and eggs Dave's car. - Kristin Davis, Nanci Griffith, Mark BorschardtE193
Kristin Davis, Nanci Griffith, Mark BorschardtSome guy dressed up as "Lance Armstrong" comes onstage on a bicycle and beats up Alan, then runs over to Hello Deli to pummel Rupert. Later, Dave shows photos of him stuffing Steph/Monty's face into a birthday cake, while filmmakers Mark Borchardt and Mike Shank go to Comic-Con.
