Fountain of Youth
Fountain of Youth
Two estranged siblings join forces to seek the legendary Fountain of Youth. Using historical clues, they embark on an epic quest filled with adventure. If successful, the mythical fountain could grant them immortality.
neuroparadox reviewedJuly 24, 2025
I thought I might enjoy this as a Guy Ritchie fan, but I was not prepared for the bad bad, so instead of a review, I present my, Fountain of Notes:
This qualifies as a movie as much as this list qualifies as a review.
I've had so many taglines because this movie is boring as it is half-baked. Might help being full-baked to watch this hot mess. (Spoiler: it did not.)
HUH?!: THE MOVIE
Remember when movies were real? Like, had sets and/or real locations? And actors needed to be filmed together at the same time to interact with each other in a scene?
Actual dialogue:
"Dude: Maybe the letters aren't a place. Maybe they're a number.
Jim: Like a substitution code. Let's try celestial navigation. Let's see if the path matches up to any constellations..." ugh it gets worse.
I don't have a lot of good things to say about this movie other than I sure hope Guy Ritchie got hit with a heavy sack one way or another 🍆💰
It's incompetently competent in that it gives the verisimilitude of a bring an actual movie.
Okay so they mentioned Muography in the movie, which is an insane new technology and super cool and involves neutrinos. 🤌💋
More wasted talent than a Stripper Bus.
It's like watching a YouTube video of just a video games main cutscenes but all the story and world building from actual in-between gameplay is assumed.
Not a good-bad movie, more like a lazy-bad, money-grab, soulless-fuck movie to see-what-people-will-consume movie.
Omg how is there still 35 minutes left?!
How exactly does this fucking musical instrument work?...oh nevermind it's obvious. 🪇
Oh shit what's that Gunkata?! Nevermind 10/10.
National Treasure 2 is a superior film.,.. is a sentence I will stand by.
Ohhh that's definitely possible engineering for a 4500 year old structure.
I never thought something called the fountain of youth would make me age so much. Maybe be it's a commentary on the irony of Capitalism! 💰
I really hope there's an after credits scene trying to set up a sequel because lol this movie is gonna flop hard.
I'm gonna have to watch Swept Away to cleanse my palette.
This movie in 2 words? Shit emoji.
This feels like one of the fake, vapid movies from the, coincidentally, Apple TV show The Studio.