The Old Guard 2
The Old Guard 2
Andy and her team of immortal warriors continue their mission to protect humanity. This time, they have to face off against a formidable new foe who threatens the very fabric of the Old Guard, while also dealing with the return of an immortal who was thought to be long lost.
Jeremey reviewedJuly 11, 2025
— Unreal immortal mercenaries. Real beef crisis.
I stuck it out to the end — no pause, no bathroom break, just me, my couch, and a growing curiosity about the national price of 80/20 beef. By the time the final showdown hit, I was deep in a rabbit hole of ground chuck inflation charts.
Which says a lot about the climax.
Mainly that I didn’t notice it.
This sequel reunites the same undying badasses from the first movie… and proceeds to do absolutely nothing interesting with them. You’d think warriors who’ve lived through centuries of human carnage might have a few stories to tell. Instead, they shuffle around like tired coworkers at a mandatory retreat in Prague.
Charlize Theron still looks like she could knock out a rhino with a glare, but even she seems checked out — like she’s mentally trying to DoorDash out of the script. And the rest? Mostly there to say cryptic things and remind you they can’t die... which is ironic, because I felt like I did. Slowly.
The action is fine. The plot? It’s like someone fed the first movie into ChatGPT with “add sequel energy” and hit send.
And the ending?
You ever stare at your screen for ten seconds, wondering if your Plex froze — only to realize the movie just… ended?
That.
★★☆☆☆
One for the cast. Half for commitment.
And a bonus half-star because now I know beef is $5.69/lb at Walmart.